Husband who holds all the cards

[Whattodo75]

Hi all,I'm a new member have been lurking for a couple of weeks now. I have a major problem with a depressed dh although I've been more than helpful and tried my best to understand what he was going through by pushing him to go to the doctors and a councillor to seek help with his depression. His depression comes from alcoholic parents and a terrible childhood. When I married him there was no signs of this,sorry for the long post but his brother committed suicide a few years ago and lately he hates himself and even the slightest fight kicks off with him storming off . I'm at the stage where I feel I'm been held accountable for his choice to live or not please help should I be phoning him begging him to come home or let him choose his own way?? Please understand I've lived with his depression for over a year and it's not the 1st time this has happened any help is welcomed

How are you doing Whattodo75? Any news?

Yes, I was wondering as well. Hope you are okay. I've been in a similar situation and it is so so so easy to get sucked back in.

Important thing to remember: Being supportive to someone who has depression does not necessarily mean allowing them to run riot over your life or dragging you (and your family) down with them. It does not mean enabling the depressive behaviour to continue. Sometimes it may have to mean cutting them loose to enable them to make their own way and work on themselves, as well as making them realise that the reality of the situation is they either shape up/get help or lose their family permanently. In the long run, you cannot be responsible for their recovery. They need to take responsibility for it themselves. You cannot MAKE them want to get better.

My H (we're currently separated) claimed I was not supportive because I didn't allow him to just do what he wanted, behave the way he wanted - for example, wallow in bed all day, drink booze, and display a nasty abusive temper to both myself and the DCs. I told him he needed to get counselling, stop drinking, get to his GP and get on ADs if needed, and stop any and all abusive behaviour. I also encouraged him to get up and get dressed each day, get a routine going, eat regularly, get some easy exercise (even just walking the dog every day), because all of these things are important and can help to some extent (and are recommended by GP to help). Hence the separation.

Trigglesx - separation sounds very serious / last resort. So sorry to hear you are in this situation. Is your separation implying an agreement that you will get back together if your partner will find ways to keep his condition under control in the future?

Do you find that separation helps him to focus on getting better (so far?), or does it help you to cope whilst he falls back into his ways?

...or both?