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Original poster

Telling my parents I'm going to get engaged

35 replies

Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 10:21

Have been with boyfriend for 6 years. We live apart due to work. I'm planning to propose NYE ( very cheesy but it's an in-joke of ours)

I want to wear my aunties engagement ring, which my parents always said I could have. Therefore I need to tell them about it! The problem being that they don't particularly like him, mainly down to them being very strict Catholics and he is not at all.

I only recently moved out, maybe 6 months ago, as I had been caring for my mum before that. I have a good job and rent a nice house. I'm mid twenties and therefore... I know that I can decide who to marry! But I seem to have regressed this morning to a nervous wreck at the thought of telling them. I'm meant to be meeting them for lunch and I've decided to tell them about it then. But I am so nervous! What's the best way to do it?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 10:39

Why not get engaged first and discuss the ring with your family when the dust has settled? Plus if he says no, you'll feel like a berk...

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 15/12/2013 10:41

Yes.... if u r going to propose, wait and see if he says yes. :-/
If your jobs are in different cities, an engagement wont bring the cities closer together.
Good luck

SoloXantiaClaws · 15/12/2013 10:41

Agree with Snargaluff and was just coming on to say the same!
Good luck!! :)

MrsCosmopilite · 15/12/2013 10:46

Ask him first, get your mitts on the ring later.

After the engagement will you be looking to live together or wait until you are married? It may help to have answers to this and other questions (e.g. how long will the engagement be?, where will you end up living?) on standby for your parents.

WhatEverZen · 15/12/2013 10:55

Another one who thinks you should ask first, then have the conversation with your parents?

What are you going to do if your partner says yes but wants to give you a ring himself ? The ring presumably has some sentimental value for you but it may not for him.

Original poster
Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 10:58

I'll ask him first, I really wanted a ring to wear though!
Men tend to buy a ring before asking, so that would be me doing the equivalent

OP posts:
Original poster
Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 11:00

We have lived together- but he had to retrain and there's only one place he could do so, which is a few hours away. I moved back with parents and have recently moved out.That's why we live separately. So when he is finished with his in-job training we will move back in.

OP posts:
UmpireHalfTimeKids · 15/12/2013 11:00

Forget the ring. Thats still his job! Let him take care of it. You dont want it to seem like its all all about the ring.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 11:22

Rings aside, is there any reason besides absence of catholicism that your parents don't like him? Having once opted - in a rebellious mood - to marry a man myself that my family couldn't stand and then regretted it, I'd hate you to make the same mistake.

olathelawyer05 · 15/12/2013 11:45

"Forget the ring. Thats still his job!..."

Hmm...yes we all have assignments don't we. I note its still HIS job, even when HE isn't doing the proposing...

weregoingtothezoo · 15/12/2013 11:58

If you're proposing, wouldn't you buy a ring (or ring substitute) for him?Confused

Is he baptized a Catholic? Does he have any faith at all? Do you? I'm surprised also that in 6 years he's not considered marriage to you. If you have no faith, do you think marriage means to you what it means to your parents?

I just wonder if you and your parents are kind of speaking different languages about the same thing iyswim and tho that doesn't help with you wanting the ring maybe it provides a bit of insight into why your parents and you don't agree.

UmpireHalfTimeKids · 15/12/2013 13:40

Olalawyer , just suggesting that she leave a little room for him to do something himself.
Or she could just do it all herself.

Original poster
Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 13:45

I'm not that old- we were young when we met so six years is not all that long in that sense. We have talked about marriage a lot.

Seems the ring is a bad idea, so I won't bother. I know you can get the man a ring if you propose, but I'm not sure he would wear it! I could think of something.

I'm getting slight negativity from people that I'm planning on proposing; honestly I would not do it if for any moment I thought he would be put out. He's not traditional in that sense at all.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2013 13:45

Wait until after you've proposed, present it as a done deal, you are then saying "DP and I are getting married! Probably in [month] [year]." not "I'm goign to get engaged." You are getting married, it would be nice if they let you have hte engagement ring you were always going to have, but not the bit that's important. If it's likely htey will object on grounds of his religion, then don't let them in at hte stage before things are decided.

Your DP might also want to buy you a ring himself, not a family one, and particularly not if he's felt unwanted by your parents. (getting the right man is far more important than getting the right ring)

DontmindifIdo · 15/12/2013 13:48

Oh and there's nothing wrong with you being the one to propose! Just don't tell lots of people beforehand. (too much pressure being put on you!)

Original poster
Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 13:54

You're definitely right. I shall wait until afterwards. I won't tell anyone then.

Also to the poster who asked if they dislike him for a reason. They quite like him as a person, they just want me to marry a catholic. I don't particularly have a faith though.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/12/2013 13:56

OP, do you think that if you didn't propose to him, he wouldn't propose to you?

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2013 13:58

Is he outspoken about Catholicism? Do they argue with him about it?

Are there any other reasons they don't like him?

Are you Catholic? If so, would you want to marry in a church? Would you want your children to be baptised and to go to a Catholic school? Would you and he disagree on this?

Hogwash · 15/12/2013 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 14:29

I know! Although to be fair I sometimes don't comment exactly on what the OP has said when I comment on threads, so I mustn't get knarky.

I'm not a catholic. He is not outspoken, he's not against Catholicism, he's just not that bothered. My parents just didn't like that we slept with each other before marriage and that I used contraception (the horrors of moving back with parents!)

I'm sure he would propose if I didn't, but we have a joke about it. So I'm going to do it! I know it's not traditional, but I'm not bothered. He's had an awful year and I want to end it on a happy note.

Thanks for all the advice though, I have had lots to consider

OP posts:
Phalenopsis · 15/12/2013 15:02

OP, I wouldn't tell them I was getting engaged. I'd tell them after the fact (assuming he says yes of course. Grin). If their dislike of him is purely because of his lack of religion then just wait until it's a done deal and announce your engagement.

Phalenopsis · 15/12/2013 15:04

Btw, if they dislike him for any other reasons, then perhaps listen to them and decide whether their opinions have any truth to them. Good luck.

antimatter · 15/12/2013 15:07

so they disliked him because you decided to have sex before you married him?

is there more to this story you aren't telling us?

Original poster
Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 16:16

No... That's it!

OP posts:
Hogwash · 15/12/2013 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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