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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can my ex do this?

33 replies

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 07:17

Brief history; I separated from my EA ex two months ago. He has been staying with a friend through the week, in another town, and staying in the (rented) house at weekends. He has been studying full time and working part time; his studies are ending and he wants to get somewhere to live close to the children. He has been putting pressure on me to make a decision regarding allowing him to claim child benefit for one of our three children. He says this will enable him to get housing benefit in order to rent a place large enough for him to have the children there. Does anyone do this? Everyone I ask seems to think it's a bad idea. We are going to mediation next week and I need to figure this out. I have ADD which means I have poor focus and concentration at points so I'm really worried I'm going to get led into the wrong decision. He recently tried to refuse to leave the house in order to talk me into a recorded conversation alone with him; I had to leave the house because I know from the relationship that he would manipulate me into giving him what he wants. I even considered moving out and working, myself, in order to settle things and try to get some money together. If anyone knows anything about this and can advise, it would be great.

OP posts:

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/12/2013 07:29

Not sure of the legalities of this but if you are the RP & the child is with you predominantly then NO don't be pressured into it.

Also if EA i involved it is recommended that mediation/counselling can be a waste of time as he will use it as an opportunity to bully you into accepting stuff you shouldn't and make you feel worse about it all.

Have you considered ringing WA they can be very helpful.

If you have a good mediator they should give you each a session on your own first before your joint session, use this time to highlight your concerns.

TBH I think you need to put more distance between you, are you joint tenants? He needs to find his own place ( even if small the kids will be fine visiting, they are there to see HIM not have a posh house) and you either move to your own or sort out getting sole tenancy.

Good luck!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 07:33

Sounds like a bad idea to me, purely because he seems entirely motivated by self and by the need to control and pressure you... and is not motivated by what is best for the children. If you are the main carer then any child-related benefits come to you and he has to make his own arrangements. You mention mediation but have you had legal advice first? Mediation with unreasonable/selfish people tends to be a waste of time

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 07:43

MissMarple thank you. We saw the mediation counsellor separately and I told him about my focus issues and about the nature of the relationship. I said I was worried about being talked into things I wasn't happy with, as this had already been an issue straight after the breakup. Ex wanted to basically keep control of me in various ways and presented this as being less disruptive for the kids. I ended up agreeing while under pressure then realising I wasn't happy with what I'd agreed to. I've already been told I am unreasonable and hurting the children for not wanting to let him stay in the house when he's there, etc.
He clearly doesn't want to talk things through in a situation where another person will tell him he's being unreasonable. I have sent him a long text about what I think he has done throughout the relationship, and telling him to stop texting me every day trying to have a conversation about the kids (but really to keep involved with me, I believe).
Mediation counsellor said any advice would always be given for the sake of the children. He also talked about power balances. He seems very experienced I'm at a point now where I don't trust ex's motives so will be trying to make good decisions based on my own judgement. Ex is saying that the child benefit thing is 'quite common' but nobody I've spoken to seems to have heard of it being done? So I suspect he's lying

OP posts:

BohemianGirl · 15/12/2013 07:46

It's not common at all. You would be foolish to enter into that sort of agreement, it's akin to declaring the child doesnt live with you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/12/2013 07:47

I'd suggest that you drop all communication with your ex for now. Leave the discussions to mediation/legal teams rather than getting drawn into conversation (via long texts or otherwise). Emotionally abusive people do not stop being emotionally abusive just because the relationship officially ends and will treat any point of contact as a chink in your armour. So cease contact except for the very barest essentials but otherwise ... 'talk to the mediator'.

Hissy · 15/12/2013 07:47

Trust your instincts!

Speak to the CAB about what your optiona are.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 07:49

Cogito - I saw a solicitor for a free half hour, she advised against letting him in the house but was slightly unclear about the benefit thing, said I might need to talk to a housing solicitor. My landlord has given us both notice for the end of
February, at which point he will allow me to renew the lease under my name only. So ex will have to get his stuff out. I'm getting panicky at the thought of having to talk to him, even with the counsellor there. He's very logical and will have a list of things he wants. I am not logical and get overwhelmed by lists! The counsellor said we can take as long as we need though, it takes me a while to think things through so that sounds good.

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MissMarplesBloomers · 15/12/2013 07:54

If anything needs clarifying by text, keep it short, business like & ignore any questions or digs about you personally. Keep it all about the kids.

Agree with Hissy trust your instincts, EA-ers can't be reasoned with as they are always right (in their eyes) therefore you are the reason its all fallen apart, (in his eyes) and I found when I accepted that I wasn't going to change his mind about me I stopped caring & it was very liberating.

YOU know you have done the best thing for your DC & yourself, what a much more positive role model you are showing them!

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 07:55

Cogito, thanks, I have done this as of last weekend. My friend advised me to send him a text - so I had it as evidence that I'd sent it - telling him I wasn't going to speak to him without another adult being present. When I'd done it I felt so much better! Speaking to him has been setting of panic attacks so hopefully I'll be calmer and more capable of making good decisions. CAB couldn't tell me if the benefit claim was definitely the wrong thing to do, they dis seem very doubtful and they arranged the solicitor's appointment.
Bohemian thank you, I just need confirmation that this isn't reasonable and that he shouldn't be trying to tell me I'm wrong on this.

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Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 08:00

MissMarple yes it's very much me who has 'done this to him' and he has been trying to make me responsible for his welfare! And because I've had 9 years of being brainwashed into thinking everything revolves around him, I have fallen for it over and over. The further away I get from it, the better I feel and the more I am able to see it for what it was. And yes to being a better role model! A big part of feeling able to leave was down to wanting my children to not see this relationship as being acceptable. Thank you.

OP posts:

TheRobberBride · 15/12/2013 08:00

The child benefit situation he is suggesting is not 'quite common' and I would urge you not to agree to it. If you are the RP then you need that money to help provide for your children. Allowing him to claim some of it would not only leave you worse off but would be effectively be declaring that the child lives with him the majority of the time. This could have consequences with regard to his maintenance payments for the children. Also with regards to school admissions, the child benefit address is usually taken by the LA to be the main residence of the child so take that into consideration too.

In short, refuse to be bullied and do not agree to this. If you do go through with mediation, I think it's worth telling the mediator that this is one issue on which you are not prepared to budge.

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/12/2013 08:01

At mediation, you don't need to agree to anything, the mediator will make notes of what was discussed, & send you a copy. You can ask to have time to go away & consider the list of demands suggestions.

Make some of your own, but don't be badgered into agreeing to anything until you have had time to digest it.

Good about the LL agreeing to change the tenancy, less upheaval for you all. Make sure the locks are changed once its yours, I'm sure the LL would do that for you.

If ex is dithering about getting his stuff out put it all in boxes ,bags & tell him it is available until the last date of your tenancy & then its going to the charity shop. No discussion.

it is all overwhelming at the moment but baby steps, although a cliche, are the way forward, just take it a dya at a time.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 08:05

Thank you MissMarple, that all sounds good. He has so much stuff and is so attached to it, he'll really hate me for that! And yes I will change the locks, landlord should be fine with that.

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Hohohowhatfuckeryitis · 15/12/2013 08:11

If you are claiming benefits of any kind it would affect your claim. It could affect your housing benefit under twatting bedroom tax. And you are RP so no, he shouldn't claim any CB. He is doing it, as you know, as yet another controlling mechanism.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 08:14

Hohoho no I didn't realise it was that, although it makes sense that it would be. I thought it was more laziness and/or fear of not having a home. But yes controlling. And thank you.

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RandomMess · 15/12/2013 08:15

The benefit thing is not common at all. The only situation where it would be acceptable is if you were going to share care 50/50 - so he had them all for half the days and nights of a fortnight and you the other.

As he is EA then no, no, no, no. Well done for stopping him texting you and everything else you've done

aaaaaaa · 15/12/2013 08:28

I don't think he can claim CB unless the child lives with him?

i tthink he is confused...he will get HB/ priority on council property if he has the child/ren for 3 or more nights a week...is he asking you to say this is the situation? And he is wanting to claim CB as kind of proof?

Cadsuane · 15/12/2013 08:29

If he gets the Child benifit not only do you loose that money but it can affect anything else you are claiming, tax credits, housing benifit and any child support he is due to pay. In fact he could claim the tax credits for that child.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 09:09

He was hoping to get a new house before Christmas originally. Most people have said that he needs to put in a claim for housing benefit and that if we have a shared care arrangement as you have described, this should be enough to get him somewhere big enough to have the kids overnight. So nobody I have spoken to understands why he would need to claim child benefit. Yet he claims he has spoken to the housing authority and they said it's fine.

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summermovedon · 15/12/2013 09:16

Do not do this. If you are claiming housing/any other benefits now or may need to in the future it will affect your claim. Also, it will affect any child maintenance you receive from him. It may affect your pension. And if it is untrue it is fraud.

summermovedon · 15/12/2013 09:16

If in doubt, go and speak to the council housing people yourself and ask them. Why not.

ijustwanttobeme · 15/12/2013 09:39

He would be committing housing benefit fraud as the child he is declaring on his application would not actually be resident at the property.

I work in housing benefits and if in doubt, would look closely at this type of claim. I would want to know where the child id registered for the doctors, what is the primary address, that the school has for the child and so on.

Plus if you later need to claim housing benefits yourself, this could make a difference to your claim, as HB now takes into account the number of bedrooms a household need. Eg: you and your 3 DCs would be eligible for a three bed Local Housing Allowance rate. If it looked like he had one of the DCs, depending on the ages of the other two, you would only be entitled to the two bed rate. As if he was declaring that he had one of the DCs ( and had proof of this via CHB letter), you would not then be able to have that same child on your claim. The child cannot be part of two people's households at once ( in benefit terms that is)

You are the main carer for them so please do not be swayed by his request.

PottedPlant · 15/12/2013 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 15/12/2013 15:47

Ijustwanttobeme - thank you! Don't understand why the solicitor and CAB didn't tell me that but can see why he has been trying to get me to agree to talking to him alone in order to get me to agree to this. Thanks so much.

OP posts:

Jebus · 15/12/2013 16:05

Don't do it I think if he claims for cb for a child he can then claim for ctc (child tax credits ) if he works he will also be able to claim working tax credits,all for a child that doesn't live with him for what it's worth my ex,dc's dad was given a 2 bed because our dc needs a room to sleep in..dc has never stayed there and never will.

He is still trying to beat you with any emotional stick he can find and controlling.

Disengage,and be non committal to any conversations he tries to have with you regarding anything your not happy I talk about or do.
His living arrangements are not your concern.

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