Giving up too easily? Just need to vent

[KittyConfused]

I don't know where to start really, just need a place to vent some feelings as feels like I'm going to explode and don't have anyone who I can talk to about this kind of thing.

I've been with my husband for 7 years and got married in September last year. I've had depression in varying degrees since we've been together, there's been points where I've been extremely low. I've tried telling him about it in the past and explaining how I felt, only to be told to 'get it sorted then' or 'go to the doctor then'. I've been unhappy in our relationship for a while, maybe a couple of years but always thought that everyone goes through rough patches and gets bored after being together for a long time, and that at least I had a comfortable familiar relationship with someone. Recently though I've wanted to leave, in my head I'd kind of given up on us and thought that my husband wouldn't be bothered as he seemed like he'd given up too.

A couple of months ago I cheated on him with a random person I met at a bar, I told him about it a while afterwards (he'd had suspicions since the night it happened) but since I told him, he's been obsessively snooping, looking through my phone and my emails every couple of days, he managed to track down the name of the person I cheated on him with online, has searched some really horrible things on google 'in case it was videoed' and uploaded to porn sites, has looked on dating sites in case I have profiles on there. I want to feel angry at this but as though I have no right as I'm the one who cheated. In all honesty I thought that cheating on him might end the relationship, I'd always said that if I ever cheated I would just leave as you obviously have to be unhappy to do such a thing, and he always said he wouldn't be able to forgive me if I ever did.

When I told him about the cheating, I said I wanted to leave him, told him about my depression again and said how I felt our relationship had been awful for the past few years. He forgave me for cheating, said he hadn't realised how serious my depression was and promised to support me through the process of getting help as he thought this was a big factor in why I was unhappy in the relationship. I agreed to give it a couple of months and see how it goes, a month later and I don't feel as though I've changed my mind, I feel like somewhere along the way I fell out of love with him and he's trying to force it back where it's something that can't be forced. It feels like I'm dragging out an already horrible process of breaking up, and it's going to be worse for him as he makes an effort and gets his hopes up, only for them to be dashed at the end of it :( I don't know if more time will change this and feel as though I owe it to him to try at least. He is trying to get the relationship back on track and I don't know whether I'm being dismissive too soon or it's a case of too little too late. It's all so confusing :(

Wow, this is long! If you're still with me, thanks for sticking it out, it feels better to at least have all this confusion written down somewhere

I think your relationship is dead in the water and it would be better for you both to be apart.

I'm not impressed with a man who upon learning his wife is suffering reacts by telling her to 'get it sorted'. It is interesting to note that your depression coincides with your marriage. I don't believe that that is coincidental.

I don't believe people owe it to others to try at relationships. If a party wants to end it and their feels have changed then it is far fairer to put the other out of their misery than string them along as it won't do any good in the long run.

Yup end it now. It won't get any better for the simple reason that you heart isn't it and you can't force yourself to feel something you don't.

Thanks for your reply Phalenopsis, sorry I should have made it clearer that I've always had depression, even before we were together. It's been particularly bad for this past year or so though and I believe it probably is because of being unhappy in the relationship. Other times when it was bad, early in the relationship, it was down to things like work or just the natural nature of depression I suppose, but when I tried to explain why I was acting the way I was, was just dismissed. Now I've actually forced him to listen to me though he does seem genuinely sad about how much he ignored it before, and is really trying to understand and help me. This is partially why I'm so confused about staying or not

Depends on whether your feelings are because of your depression or because the relationship is dead. What treatment are you having for your depression?

I'm inclined to agree that your relationship is beyond repair. Starting a relationship is a choice that has to be made by both parties but ending one only has to be the decision of one party. If you want to end your marriage then he can't veto that.

I don't mean to be hurtful, but if the roles were reversed - a cheating DH with on going depressive episodes - everyone would be telling you to LTB and make a life for yourself. I think your DH deserves the same consideration and a chance to be happy with someone. I don't think the pair of you are suited to each others needs.

I went to the doctor for a consultation over 3 weeks ago, was told I was being referred to the hospital's mental health dept but still haven't heard from them. So, technically, nothing yet. That's the reason why he's asking me to take some time, to see whether it's the depression that's causing me to be unhappy or the other way round. I know that in my gut that I'm unhappy, depression has been a constant throughout our whole relationship, but I've only had these feelings of wanting to leave recently. I can't be sure of that though, that's just the way I'm thinking :( BohemianGirl, I totally agree with you and know that if it was the other way round and he'd cheated on me, everyone would be saying to chuck him, and that's what I would have done. What's LTB? (I'm new around here!)

Leave the bastard. Sorry OP.

LTB = Leave the bastard.

I bet the number of people who split up within 18 months of marrying following on from years spent together is probably higher than we'd think. A ONS with a random guy is as big a declaration you are finished as you could make. If depression has dogged your entire time together it really raises some questions.

He was slow to pick up on how seriously your mental health was suffering. A genuinely decent person who cares about you might still not be a good match. A lover who blanks out what their partner is consistently telling them certainly isn't much of a catch.

This is a very difficult one.If your husband is the cause of the depression,then he's got to go.
Have you suffered from depression before you met him?
One of the many problems with depression is,decisions made while you are particularly low,may not be the same decision you would make if you were in full health.
Your husband does seem deeply insensitive about your depression though and that in itself could be the motivation to end it.

Funny thing how, when you were "just" depressed, your H was not at all sympathetic. Now you've taken some drastic action which you hoped would be the end of things, he's suddenly become all understanding, just when you didn't want him to.

You know, you could decide to leave him because you want to. You don't have to cheat in the hope he will throw you out. You can just - go. I know it's not as simple as that, but splitting because of infidelity isn't any simpler. The logistics are the same either way.

Abbykins, I met him when I was 19, I believe I've always had depression to some degree, but before that it was being covered up by teenage angst lol, even when we first started seeing each other and I was happy in the relationship, it still felt like there was an underlying feeling of depression though so I don't think it was anything to do with us, just something that was always there if that makes sense?

Annie, I know what you're saying, I didn't consciously go out and cheat in the hope I'd get thrown out, but now that I did that's always going to be the cause of the breakup in his mind. I feel as though now I don't have a 'reason' for leaving, he's forgiven my infidelity, is trying to help me with my depression and is trying to improve our marriage which makes it a heck of a lot harder to sit out another month and then possibly still leave him at the end of it.

But before the good month he spent seven years not listening to you.

Hi Kitty,what you are saying about depression makes perfect sense,especially being someone who has suffered a lot from it myself.
Also,I recognise in you something I have done a few times in the past.
When I have been in a situation,job,relationship,whatever,that I want out of.I have rarely if ever had the strength or what it takes to say,that's it,it's over.That's the depression at work.
So I engineer very elaborate schemes to get me off the hook and take the decision out of my hands.
A bit like your affair.
The only thing I can offer you now is,when I have taken such action,it was the right thing to do and I am glad I am out of whatever it was that was getting me down.
So getting right back to your current situation,if what has happened doesn't get you out of the relationship,you may well do something else.
I think you said to your husband you will give it a couple of months and you are one month in,you have been very fair with him and there's one month left.
Be as nice as you can to him now but don't give him any false hope.
It's over.

Are you saying you've only recently accessed any professional medical help for your depression?

Because if that's the case, I've got a lot of sympathy for your husband, quite apart from the sympathy I've got for him being cheated on by his new wife.

I can also understand why an exasperated 'sort it then' might be uttered after living with someone who won't seek help for their mental health. In fact, although I've got huge amounts of sympathy for anyone suffering from depression, that extends to their partners, children and wider family. It has a ripple effect that harms lots of people.

I hope you get the help you need now, but from what you're saying, this relationship has run its course. I don't agree that people only cheat when they want out of their relationships or because they are unhappy in them, but it seems to have been a factor in your decision to cheat, along with possibly a need to feel something in the midst of the depressive numbness.

It also sounds as though your husband could do with some help if he's consumed by snooping and checking. While I think that's an understandable reaction in someone who's been hurt badly, it sounds like he's focusing on finding wrongdoing and unethical behaviour in the ONS partner instead of looking at your behaviour and why it happened. He's also probably clutching at straws and pinning it all on the depression and not on your desire to leave the relationship, or the choices you made. A mixture of blaming the wrong person and denial.

We often advise women posters coping with depressed, unfaithful partners that although depressed people are more likely to be unfaithful, the depression itself cannot be blamed entirely for hurtful behaviour. Personality is a factor, because not every depressed person acts in this way- and sometimes, the behaviour is because the person lacks the maturity or the skills to end a relationship that's no longer working, responsibly and cleanly.

Be as honest as you can and don't string this out.

Leavenheath,

You claim to understand depression and you make statements like this,
“the behaviour is because the person lacks the maturity or the skills to end a relationship that's no longer working, responsibly and cleanly”.

You only marginally stopped short of telling Kitty to (Pull herself together).

You say “Personality is a factor”.

Depending on the severity, depression all but wipes out the personality.

Are you a bloke? !!!!

You talked about what happened if you cheated, and he said he'd have a zero tolerance policy. (Was that a one way conversation btw, was it assumed that you'd be the one to cheat?). In the event he didn't react as you hoped. You expected a cauterizing final confrontation in which he threw you out and you gladly exited. Now you feel as if he's further let you down.

Why haven't you just packed a bag and left if you are so certain this partnership can't work?

The 'sort it out' was said from the first time I told him, along with being told he didn't believe me. It had taken me a long time to build up the courage to tell him, being shot down like that pretty much ruined any chance of me getting professional help as if you can't even talk to your partner, what if a doctor says you're just wasting their time? Recently, when we nearly split up and he told me to 'go to a doctor then' I said I would but I needed his support and understanding before I could do so as the lack of it is what was stopping me from going previously. I'm not trying to blame the cheating on the depression, I think it was a factor but not the whole reason. I think I have a lot of unhappiness due to the relationship which is separate from the depression, but how could I know that until I remove the depression factor? All I have to go on at the moment is gut feeling

No we both said the same thing. I tried to break it off a month ago, told him I was unhappy and wanted to leave, he talked me into staying for a couple of months with promises of improvements and to be honest I felt guilted into agreeing but also wanted to see if something could be salvaged and see if we could make it work. One month in and although things have been better, I still feel as though I'm not in love with him and it would be better if I left, I don't want to feel as though I gave up too easily and didn't try hard enoufh to get us back on track though :(

Regarding your H snooping and trying to find out details of your ONS, if the roles were reversed you would be advised by MNers to push for all the details, they would tell you that your H should be open and allow you full access to his passwords/phone/email etc to show that he was transparent and trustworthy.

To me the fact that he is having to snoop means that you haven't given him the information and the reassurance he needs that this isn't an ongoing thing and that it won't happen again.

I too feel that cheating is a deal-breaker, for me it would be unforgivable, whether a drunken ONS or an ongoing relationship (although it would be more hurtful if it were the latter).

I think you should cut your losses, separate and see how you both get on apart. If you both find that you'd rather be together then you can start from scratch, but in your shoes I would want to be taking care of myself, not worrying about someone else's feelings, especially if they weren't the supportive type.

Not a bloke and no I didn't ever say I 'understand depression'.

I said I sympathised with anyone suffering from it, but that includes loved ones as well as the sufferer.

Your last posts OP seem to be blaming your husband for you not seeking professional help for your depression. I don't think it's reasonable or fair to pass the responsibility for your own poor health (that predated this man anyway) to anyone else. It's your responsibility and although I agree he should have been much more encouraging and supportive, at no point did he advise you not to go to the doctors; just the reverse.

Like others have said, if you were a bloke who'd failed to get his depression treated for years and years, had cheated on his wife and then tried to blame her for him not going to the doctors, he would be slaughtered.

You haven't been (I don't agree with anyone being slaughtered on here FWIW) but you have had some honest opinions and at least some similar advice to what would be given to a man in the same position, which is that ultimately he should let his wife go and find someone better for her, taking complete responsibility from now on for his own health.

I feel quite sorry for your husband tbh.

MS Leavenheath.

When you start pontificating about a subject,you are by the very fact implying that you have an understanding of it.
By employing semantics to defend your argument,it proves that you don’t actually have one.

But if it makes you happy,go ahead.

But,

Here’s how I see your stance in this situation.
Someone has been knocked down by a car and has suffered multiple injuries including two broken legs.
Me Levenholm rides to the rescue and says to the injured person,who's lying on the floor in agony and can’t move.
Why don’t you get up and walk to the casualty department,it’s only a mile down the road.

That’s how helpful you are Mrs Leventhope.
: )

How baffling.

OP, you have demonstrated by your behaviour that you want to end your marriage but your husband won't let you

Have I go that right ?

he isn't in charge. You can end it any time you like. I think you should, for both your sake's.

I agree with Abbykins1 in that the whole thing about depression is it dampens your judgement and your ability to take action. It's not just about feeling miserable or even very very miserable. Not just your emotions but your functionality is depressed. Your confidence and decision-making are shot. Sometimes you just can't do the right thing off your own bat. You are doing well if you can even see what the right thing is, then actually doing it is a whole new thing. When someone who appears confident and authoritative tells you you don't need to, you certainly wouldn't have the strength of purpose to go against them. You'll be all too glad for an excuse to pull the blanket over your head and hope it all just goes away. You can't just pull your head out of your arse. It feels like it's glued there.