Giving up too easily? Just need to vent

[KittyConfused]

I don't know where to start really, just need a place to vent some feelings as feels like I'm going to explode and don't have anyone who I can talk to about this kind of thing.

I've been with my husband for 7 years and got married in September last year. I've had depression in varying degrees since we've been together, there's been points where I've been extremely low. I've tried telling him about it in the past and explaining how I felt, only to be told to 'get it sorted then' or 'go to the doctor then'. I've been unhappy in our relationship for a while, maybe a couple of years but always thought that everyone goes through rough patches and gets bored after being together for a long time, and that at least I had a comfortable familiar relationship with someone. Recently though I've wanted to leave, in my head I'd kind of given up on us and thought that my husband wouldn't be bothered as he seemed like he'd given up too.

A couple of months ago I cheated on him with a random person I met at a bar, I told him about it a while afterwards (he'd had suspicions since the night it happened) but since I told him, he's been obsessively snooping, looking through my phone and my emails every couple of days, he managed to track down the name of the person I cheated on him with online, has searched some really horrible things on google 'in case it was videoed' and uploaded to porn sites, has looked on dating sites in case I have profiles on there. I want to feel angry at this but as though I have no right as I'm the one who cheated. In all honesty I thought that cheating on him might end the relationship, I'd always said that if I ever cheated I would just leave as you obviously have to be unhappy to do such a thing, and he always said he wouldn't be able to forgive me if I ever did.

When I told him about the cheating, I said I wanted to leave him, told him about my depression again and said how I felt our relationship had been awful for the past few years. He forgave me for cheating, said he hadn't realised how serious my depression was and promised to support me through the process of getting help as he thought this was a big factor in why I was unhappy in the relationship. I agreed to give it a couple of months and see how it goes, a month later and I don't feel as though I've changed my mind, I feel like somewhere along the way I fell out of love with him and he's trying to force it back where it's something that can't be forced. It feels like I'm dragging out an already horrible process of breaking up, and it's going to be worse for him as he makes an effort and gets his hopes up, only for them to be dashed at the end of it :( I don't know if more time will change this and feel as though I owe it to him to try at least. He is trying to get the relationship back on track and I don't know whether I'm being dismissive too soon or it's a case of too little too late. It's all so confusing :(

Wow, this is long! If you're still with me, thanks for sticking it out, it feels better to at least have all this confusion written down somewhere

got

So have you ever had any treatment for your depression?

Leavenheath has some good points to my mind.

Sorry OP but while depression is devastating, at the same time it is your responsibility to seek help, hard as it can be, regardless of anyone else at all.

I think you need to do that now, and to take a very long look at yourself and your situation. Not sure there can be a future for you two as it seems to take a very long time for real forgiveness to happen after cheating, but some people do pull through. But it seems to me that you don't really want to be with him and that you're looking for a way out.

Hope you can find the support you need and the clarity to know exactly what you do want. Not always the easiest thing to know.

The thing about depression is that like any illness, it doesn't affect everyone the same way.

So while I can understand posters who've suffered severe depression which caused them to lose their functionality and decision-making abilities projecting their own experiences on to the OP, she doesn't appear to be saying it was like that for her. She hasn't said she lacked all functionality at all and in fact says that for large chunks of time even before she met her husband, her condition was 'underlying'. She didn't seek medical help then either.

Strangely enough I came across another thread at the weekend (probably on AIBU) from a woman who is being driven to despair by her permanently angry husband who keeps walking out on her and threatening to end the relationship, who won't get help for his depression either.

I agreed wholeheartedly with the advice given by every poster that she wasn't responsible for his health, his anger or his threats to end the relationship and that the only people she was responsible for were herself and her children, who were all suffering because of this upsetting behaviour from a man who refused to go to the doctors. Several posters sagely observed that this might not be all down to the depression, but his core personality as well. I agree with that.

There's an interesting passivity here OP - your can't go to the doctor about depression without your husband's support/approval. You say you're unhappy and want to split, he wants to work at it - so you do. Do you know why you confer choices about your life to other people?

I wonder how you ended up getting married a year ago, given that you've had doubts about the relationship for some time? Was that another idea of his that you just went along with? Or were you hoping that marriage would right things?

It could be that the passivity is part of your depression. Or your depression could be fuelled by you not taking adequate agency in your own life to act on the things you want or need to do.

You don't need anyone to tell you that it wasn't fair on your husband to cheat. But I do think you might look at why you chose that method over just being honest with him. Because the method you chose - to me - seems much harder. And it's a way of avoiding a necessary conversation. By cheating - you assumed he wouldn't forgive you and it would be over without the need to actually end it yourself. Another decision conferred over to him.

It sounds like you need to strengthen your ability to speak up, speak your truth, 'walk your walk and talk your talk' as the saying goes.

Great, insightful post Twinklestein.

Thanks for all your replies, I'll try to address some of the points being made. Leavenheath, I know it is no-one's responsibility but my own to sort out my mental health, and by no means am I blaming my husband for my having depression in the first place, in fact I said that it was there before I even met him, but has gotten better and worse sometimes depending on what's happening in my life, which sometimes includes what's happening in the relationship. I have to admit that his comments are one of the reasons why I didn't seek professional help before now though, when you're asking for support and admitting that you have a problem, being told you're just imagining it and being dismissed isn't something that would encourage you to talk to someone else. I understand now that I should have just gone anyway despite this as it might have saved a lot of heartache down the line, but hey ho, it's easy to say that now.

Twinklestein, it was a case of knowing I was unhappy before getting married, but thinking things would improve, or even if they didn't at least I was in a comfortable relationship where sometimes things weren't great but that's what it seems like what marriage is. I think you're spot on with what you say, I'd rather be unhappy and just put up with it and avoid conflict than actually say how I'm feeling and take action for it. It was easier to get married when I was unhappy than to disappoint all my family and friends and have upsetting honest conversations with my husband. Now I've realised that I probably still want to leave but I'm still just agreeing with what he's saying rather than 'rocking the boat' as it were.

Kitty.

Look after yourself.

Start spoiling yourself and start to give your own feelings and well being priority.

Hopefully things will start to settle for you soon.