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Original poster

dumping someone to protect them?

33 replies

yourowngood · 14/12/2013 07:52

Testing NC...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 08:08

Intriguing title ...

Original poster
yourowngood · 14/12/2013 08:16

Ok so, I have been seeing someone who I was friends with for a long time. I hadn't seen him for a year, and then we went out with friends and 'things' happened Blush.

I like him, so have seen him again. I've been very upfront about not wanting a relationship, I've just come out of something.

But I think he's in love with me. Like he's waited a long time to be with me.

I don't want to hurt him, or lead him into thinking he is going to get more than I can give, and I want to protect his feelings. I do care for him. I'm not ready for a relationship.

So should I stop seeing him? Is it for me to try to manage his feelings? I've been in this trap before.

He's not done anything wrong, he's said and done the right things, it just seems he wants more than I can give, but he'll take whatever I might give him IYSWIM.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 14/12/2013 08:22

Just keep being honest about what you want, but don't fix your mind that you're closed to the possibility if more either!

Original poster
yourowngood · 14/12/2013 08:37

I feel like I'll be having the cake and be giving him the scraps from the table :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 08:48

Yes you should end it if it's never going to go anywhere. It would be cruel to string him along... even if he appears to be a willing victim and even if cruelty is not your intention. You're not obliged to be with him just because he has feelings for you.

Original poster
yourowngood · 14/12/2013 09:21

I don't feel obliged. I'm happy enough to be seeing someone without it going anywhere. I don't want to be alone until I'm ready for proper commitment. Aren't there options apart from 'going somewhere?'

He's funny and clever, I am attracted to him. I feel like its just too much responsibility if I am making him this happy IYSWIM!

If I stop seeing him it will be because I feel like he's going to get hurt. But he's a grown up? I have a friend who got dumped for these reasons and she was most upset she never got to decide for herself...

OP posts:
Maoamstripes · 14/12/2013 09:30

End it. Been there done that. It wont be just him who will end up getting hurt, YOU will too. You are already getting emotionally attached, so it's time. He wants more, you don't, let him find someone who is ready.

ALittleStranger · 14/12/2013 13:00

You sound a bit confused OP.

Do you not want a relationship, or do you not want one with him?

If it's the latter than cut him lose. If it's just that you don't want to get into anything, well I think that's more complicated. Not rushing into something is wise, but relationships don't come along according to some grand plan and be careful you're not missing out on something for fear of getting hurt. I wonder if your fear of hurting him has an element of projection?

You like him, you're attracted to him. If this is true then I would be inclined to be very honest with him. He can then make his own choice. Casually seeing each other may be enough for him. Or you might start dating and realise it's not as scary as you think it is.

If you're only motivation for dumping him is to stop him getting hurt then I think you have to have a really hard think about what's really going on. Is it him you're protecting or yourself? If you're emotionally attached that doesn't have to be the cue to run away, it can just be a good progression.

Original poster
yourowngood · 14/12/2013 13:50

I am afraid of being responsible for the emotional well being of another person. That's what it boils down to. Also I don't want to be exclusive in a monogamous relationship for a LONG time.

OP posts:
bestsonever · 14/12/2013 13:56

You don't want a relationship that leads somewhere, and you don't want to be on your own until you are ready for a relationship that goes somewhere? You are a little confused I think perhaps.
Does anyone start a relationship thinking it's forever? Surely leading somewhere, is something you don't worry about until much later on anyway when you know more. If he has started being OTT about sharing a future when you've only just hooked up, then the issue is as much with him as that smacks of obsessive bunny-boiler behaviour.

However, if he is relaxed then you may be over-thinking this and not going with the flow. Obsessing maybe about the possibility of hurting him? You both keep seeing your friends, family, live life and meet here and there and in time you will know if you want it to go somewhere. Promises for a future made from the start are of little worth anyway and are usually made by imature people who have not yet realised that there are a huge number of factors involved to make something long term so noone can make valid promises from the beginning.

bestsonever · 14/12/2013 14:00

Ah, still longing to experience other people when with someone, that's probably does mean he's not for you at present. So better be honest and tell him - but shut the door, don't smooth it over by saying you may feel different in future as it's never fair to leave someone hanging in hope.

Original poster
yourowngood · 14/12/2013 14:01

There's no promises. He just likes me a lot. I'm over thinking.

Previous relationship I felt like I had no emotions of my own, he was so over-riding in terms of his needs I just reacted to him.

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 14/12/2013 14:03

Well on the one hand if you are being upfront and have really stressed that it's not going to change in to a serious relationship then he is an adult and can make his own decisions about what to do with that information and if he is only interested in a serious relationship, in theory, he will choose to end it and find someone more suitable. On the other theory does not equal practice in human relationships. If he really likes you there is a very good chance he will shut out what you are saying and even if he says something casual is just what he's after too, he will probably cling on to the hope it will develop into something more. It's not, strictly speaking, your responsibility for him kidding himself that he's ok with this or that you will change your mind, but if you know you won't and you know he is deluding himself slightly then I would say end it now.

Original poster
yourowngood · 14/12/2013 14:12

Billybanter that is exactly my thinking.

So I have to end it based on how I imagine he is feeling. That's the question for me. I want to carry on seeing him. That's selfish on my part, I know. And then I end it because I am trying to protect him from over-investing in me?

OP posts:
Original poster
yourowngood · 14/12/2013 14:22

I need to stop it don't i? :(

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 14/12/2013 14:29

Personally I wouldn't.

You say yourself this is based on how you imagine he is feeling. He sounds like he's probably more robust than you!

You also said you don't want to be responsible for someone else's emotional well-being. You won't be. Someone can only be responsible for their own emotional well-being.

I think you're doing what is common off the back of a LTR and forgetting what the early months and years of a relationship are like as well. It is normal to take it slow and retain a strong sense of self.

If you don't think you can be monogomous and he needs that then that's a different story though.

FluffyJumper · 14/12/2013 14:48

So long as you're honest I don't see the problem.

Finishing with him to protect him from hurt in the medium to long term is making yourself responsible for his emotional well being and contradicts what you say you want. If you don't want to be responsible for him then just be honest Jane let him make his own decisions.

FluffyJumper · 14/12/2013 14:49

Jane? Confused I meant and.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 14/12/2013 16:09

I have done this. I cannot start a relationship with someone if they are more into it than me. I feel its unfair because I don't know if I'll ever feel the same about them.

Hogwash · 14/12/2013 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 14/12/2013 16:39

I've been in this situation when I was younger, similarly with an old friend. I thought as long as I was completely honest about the fact I wasn't looking for something serious, it would be ok. I told myself not to imagine what he was feeling, because, although I thought he may be in love me, he didn't it or even hinted, so maybe I was just being bigheaded.

Well I wasn't and he was, and it ended badly. As long as I was there in a relationship with him he ignored what I said at the same time as hoping I'd change my mind. He thought maybe I'd fall in love with him.

So I echo what others are saying here, that if you are completely sure that you could never love him, and you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship, then you need to end it.

Twinklestein · 14/12/2013 16:40

He did sayit^^

AnandaTimeIn · 14/12/2013 17:26

You can't look into the future....

It could be that you fall in love with him.

In how far is your mind thinking to protect yourself? (by pushing him away).

Twinklestein · 14/12/2013 18:12

didnt say it aaargh - get a grip.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 14/12/2013 18:20

I was this 12yrs ago.

Imagine my surprise when I finally realised he was the one. Been married 10 nearly.

Go with it for a bit. Never know where it might end up.

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