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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone managed to change their abusive DH?

47 replies

zaralala · 13/12/2013 23:59

Thanks to lurking on here and posting a few times I realised that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been standing up to him more and I feel like things have improved over the last 18 months. I keep looking back to 5/6 years ago when the shouting, criticizing was so bad and things are much, much better now. The problem is I don't know if this is because I have modified my behavior to avoid problems. Also, he works much longer hours now, so we do seem to get on better/appreciate eachother.

When we are intimate I don't know if I am doing it for him or whether I am just playing the role of the perfect, loving wife. He gets upset if he thinks I am just "ticking the box". I used to get shouted at and bullied/ told I was boring/bad wife if I didn't. I can say no now for 2/3 days without him starting up again. He has a high sex drive.

Sometimes I think I have been reading this forum so much and reading up about abuse that I am being overly critical of him. I really am so confused.

He smokes weed everyday and on his day off I am nervous of his mood swings when he needs a joint (he needs 3/4 spaced through the day). Once he has a smoke he goes back to the normal/gentle man I married. He is on a warning to quit the weed by the end of the year or I will leave. We have DD(6) and although she is aware of her father's grumpiness she has been shielded from most of the bad stuff. As she gets older I can't make excuses and hide what is going on, especially the weed.

He has good points; he is generous with money with me, very affectionate, constantly tells me he loves me, very hard working. But during arguments he says stuff like he will smash my face if I don't stop arguing (totally empty threat to intimidate me). Things like this are still so wrong.

I am so very confused. Sometimes I feel like I am a shell, a robot on autopilot. Other times I am happy and think it's all going to be OK. The fact things are better than before makes me think I should persevere. But sometimes I am so angry for putting up with him before, I don't know if I can get over it.

Sorry if this post is all over the place, I just need to get the words on the screen and clear my head.

OP posts:
Squidwardtenticles · 14/12/2013 00:04

My grandad finally stopped abusing my nan when he went in the ground. My dad stopped abusing my mum when they divorced. My uncle stopped abusing my auntie when he was put into prison for abusing her. See the pattern? Abusers never change, the anger will always be there.

Moxiegirl · 14/12/2013 00:06

What happens after 2/3 days?

Original poster
zaralala · 14/12/2013 00:12

After 2/3 days he gets angry and gives me a speech about how uncomfortable he is and that I am being selfish, Why does sex have to be on my terms etc. To be honest, I don't ever push it longer than that.

Maybe I have been conditioned. He once made a joke about having "trained "me. The comment left chilled me, but he is normally so warm and loving that I put it down to me being paranoid. English isn't his first language.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 14/12/2013 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaWhispers · 14/12/2013 00:18

I used to be with someone who could be like that about the sex. How do you feel about 'not pushing it longer' than 2 or 3 days? Please be careful with this, even if you think you are 'a robot on autopilot' you could end up really confused. It is sexually abusive if he is coercing you into having sex.

Bogeyface · 14/12/2013 00:19

In a word, no.

You have a choice. Either you stay and accept that this is going to be your life, and that it will teach your DD the model for all her future relationships. Or, you make plans to leave.

It really is that simple.

randomfemale · 14/12/2013 00:22

I have not managed to change my physically and mentally abusive DH but it is now 27 months since he last punched me and he claims he will never lay a finger on me again (after being beaten regularly for 14 years) I don't trust him, despite his words and I doubt I ever will.

Original poster
zaralala · 14/12/2013 00:25

I would have left him by now if I didn't have DD. In a way I can protect her from him now. If we divorce I am worried about him messing with her mind. He will tell her things to turn her against me, she will be messed up by a break up. It will be nasty. I just want to protect her.

What if he is changing? The times we are all cuddled up on the sofa watching a film, I just keep thinking, how can I rip this apart?

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 14/12/2013 00:26

Has until the end of the year to stop smoking the weed, as in about 3 weeks time?

MatildaWhispers · 14/12/2013 00:30

The cuddling on the sofa probably does seem like him being 'nice', but if he really was a nice man then he would not be doing all the other crap stuff. He could not be an arsehole the entire time or obviously you would not be with him at all. But the little bits of 'nice-ness' are very confusing. They can make you feel like he is changing, or that you read the whole thing wrong and actually there is nothing wrong with the relationship at all. But if he was changing, and worth being with, he would not be doing any of the abusive stuff at all.

Original poster
zaralala · 14/12/2013 00:32

randomfemale - do you mind if I ask if you have thought of leaving? And what made him stop after 14 years?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/12/2013 00:34

How much time does he spend on his own with her? Do you think he would want her for extended periods of time? Do you truly believe he will give up the weed? If not then you can apply to have supervised contact, as a man with a drug addiction would not be allowed, either by the courts or social services, to be alone with a young child.

You can quite legally refuse to allow unsupervised access as he is a drug user. Most town have contact centres where you drop her off and pick her up, you need never see him and she gets her time with him with no risk of him smoking around her or her being at risk.

I just keep thinking, how can I rip this apart? Because if you dont, she will grow up thinking that this is how relationships are. It would hurt you far much more to see her in a relationship with a man like him, knowing her pain and her misery than it would to deal with the temprorary upset of you splitting up.

randomfemale · 14/12/2013 00:39

No I don't mind you asking zaralala - I have thought of leaving many times over the years. Lack of money, low self esteem, no real friends and estranged from family (so no RL support) always stopped me. What made him stop? He would never admit it but I feel it was our DC became teenagers and suddenly they were not prepared to put up with 'daddy' hitting mummy anymore.

Original poster
zaralala · 14/12/2013 00:40

Dirtybadger - Yes 3 weeks. In a way it is black/white about the weed, I can argue the case of that being unacceptable. The abuse is harder to put my finger on.

The problem is, I left before and then came back when he promised to stop. Of course, he didn't, but since then his behaviour has improved and he will apologise for his ranting and criticism. It is an improvement but not good enough.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 14/12/2013 00:42

"Better than completely shite" does not mean good.

It means that he isnt as bad as he was but as he is still on the drugs, still abusing you and still making you feel this way, I dont see that there has been much of an improvement tbh.

Original poster
zaralala · 14/12/2013 00:51

I don't think he is a risk in terms of safety. More that he would try to manipulate her. She is just finding her way, discovering herself. I thought that if I waited a bit she would be older and see him for what he is. Right now he only sees her a handful of hours a week and his 1 day off due to his working hours. If DH jokingly teases me she will tell DH off and defend me.

OP posts:
Original poster
zaralala · 14/12/2013 01:00

I do not think he will stop the weed. Somehow I have to find the strength to leave this time and stick to my guns. I really don't want things to get nasty and rely on contact centres etc. He will still know where we live. He comes from a country that he could easily disappear to with DD and never be seen again. Maybe part of me is scared of him, as I said I am so confused.

OP posts:
wallaby73 · 14/12/2013 07:27

From experience, considering your DD is 6, the sooner you do this, the younger she is, the better. The longer you leave it, the more she absorbs this "template / blueprint" which she will model her future rrelationships on. The poster above suggesting how you would feel, fast forward 20+ years, if your DD was in a similar relationship.....experiencing the misery, self doubt and helplessness you feel now? That's what did it for me. Wishing you strength x

Cabrinha · 14/12/2013 07:39

He's not jokingly teasing you though, is he? He's being mean in a way that makes you look like the bad guy if you don't have a "sense of humour" isn't he? And I'm sorry, you're not able to shield your daughter - there you are, with her telling him off.
Get her, and you, away from this awful man.
Younger the better... Iess learning of his abuse, and easier to get over split I think. My 5yo is perfectly happy with divorce - I really do think the younger the better, they don't get so caught up in the idea of emotions around it.
Good luck - you should have a happier life than this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/12/2013 07:44

I'm sorry but I think you're rationalising his behaviour rather than it getting better. That he waits 2 - 3 days before bullying you into sex is really not an improvement. Temporary cessation of abuse is not kindness. It is clear you are scared of him.

I think, especially given the international element, that you would benefit from some legal advice. Whether you leave or stay, you'd be much more sure of your ground that way. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 would love to help you and are a good resource for information, even if you don't need emergency refuge.

GinAndIt · 14/12/2013 07:50

'Somehow I have to find the strength to leave this time and stick to my guns.'

Yes, you do.

Your husband is verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive. He is also a drug addict. This is who he is. He will not change, ever.

He coerces you into sex you don't want to have. He verbally abuses you if you say no. He screams at you and threatens violence when you argue (it doesn't matter that he hasn't, so far, actually hit you, btw). You are scared of him and you're walking on eggshells all the time, I bet. All of this is completely and utterly wrong.

If he was going to give up the weed by the end of the year he'd have done it by now, wouldn't he? He doesn't think you'll follow through on your ultimatum, so why should he bother?

You're right that you can't carry on protecting your dd. She will have already seen/heard/sensed more than you know. If you stay, this will become her normal, and she may well go on to repeat these patterns in her own life. If you leave, you'll show her that she is worth more than this treatment.

Keep talking here. You know MN can help. There is a ton of great advice here, hopefully it will give you the strength to get yourself out of this horrible situation.

Lweji · 14/12/2013 08:12

Definitely don't wait until your DD is older. She may well turn against you because you wouldn't leave or stand up for yourself. She may start bullying you too.
And she is more likely to try weed as well.

Why would you subject her, and you, to more years of his behaviour?

The time is now for you and for her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2013 08:17

Is this really what you want to be modelling as a relationship to your six year old?. It is dysfunctional and toxic on so many levels.

Your own lack of self esteem and worth which he has done to further lessen have kept you within this, this relationship was over years ago. He has caused you to mistrust your own judgment and run you into the ground.

You cannot even begin to protect your DD fully from his abuse of you and by turn her; she is learning and fast that this is actually how men treat women. She won't thank you for staying with this person if you were to choose to do so, she will hate you instead and ask you outright why you put this man before her.

Womens Aid can and will help you; please call them today.

RubyGoat · 14/12/2013 08:17

Yes. I changed him for someone decent.

My ex was EA, Passive Aggressive, & verbally very violent. He used to have a massive go at me (verbally) if he wasn't happy, anywhere & everywhere, it was so humiliating, I would just stand there unable to respond as I was so beaten down. He used to bully me to try things I wasn't happy with to satisfy him in bed. He blamed me for his occasional performance issues. He used to insist we stuck to one particular method of protection, which I was allergic to, as all the other options went against his religious/ethical beliefs (the irony) with the result that I was often in a lot of pain during/after sex. He then blamed me when I had to turn him down. He had appalling road rage, I would often be in tears terrified & mortified at his behaviour/speed, if I dared comment he would turn on me & literally scream at me that I was unsupportive & it was my fault for winding him up, I used to dread getting in the car. He used to buy me expensive gifts whenever we had a major row, like that somehow made it ok. He used to threaten to cheat on me if we didn't have sex enough, I still don't know if he actually did, his reason was that he had needs & if I wasn't able to fulfil them I was failing & he was programmed as a man to need sex. There are other things. The only saving grace is that we didn't have children. I am ashamed to think how long I put up with that man.

I left him, and am with my lovely DH. We are broke a lot of the time but I have never, not even for a moment regretted leaving that spoilt twat.

lottieandmia · 14/12/2013 08:19

Nobody can change another person. If someone changes it's only because they want to. And abusive people often lack enough insight into their own behaviour to contemplate doing this.