Has anyone managed to change their abusive DH?

[zaralala]

Thanks to lurking on here and posting a few times I realised that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been standing up to him more and I feel like things have improved over the last 18 months. I keep looking back to 5/6 years ago when the shouting, criticizing was so bad and things are much, much better now. The problem is I don't know if this is because I have modified my behavior to avoid problems. Also, he works much longer hours now, so we do seem to get on better/appreciate eachother.

When we are intimate I don't know if I am doing it for him or whether I am just playing the role of the perfect, loving wife. He gets upset if he thinks I am just "ticking the box". I used to get shouted at and bullied/ told I was boring/bad wife if I didn't. I can say no now for 2/3 days without him starting up again. He has a high sex drive.

Sometimes I think I have been reading this forum so much and reading up about abuse that I am being overly critical of him. I really am so confused.

He smokes weed everyday and on his day off I am nervous of his mood swings when he needs a joint (he needs 3/4 spaced through the day). Once he has a smoke he goes back to the normal/gentle man I married. He is on a warning to quit the weed by the end of the year or I will leave. We have DD(6) and although she is aware of her father's grumpiness she has been shielded from most of the bad stuff. As she gets older I can't make excuses and hide what is going on, especially the weed.

He has good points; he is generous with money with me, very affectionate, constantly tells me he loves me, very hard working. But during arguments he says stuff like he will smash my face if I don't stop arguing (totally empty threat to intimidate me). Things like this are still so wrong.

I am so very confused. Sometimes I feel like I am a shell, a robot on autopilot. Other times I am happy and think it's all going to be OK. The fact things are better than before makes me think I should persevere. But sometimes I am so angry for putting up with him before, I don't know if I can get over it.

Sorry if this post is all over the place, I just need to get the words on the screen and clear my head.

That's like asking if I could change my loving DP into a nasty twat - no.

My abusive H stopped abusing me when he died

Of course he hasn't changed. He's chosen to stop some of his abusive behaviour for his own reasons but he continues to be abusive. You couldn't change him I to a decent man in a million years.

You've had a lot of good advice here. My contribution is very out of context but please bear with it, it leads somewhere. My Mother had to go into residential care this week, she has Dementia. Live in Carers were tried but haven't worked.

My Brother has to make the decision as he is Attorney but as the one here I've been giving him my thoughts. She has started using increasingly violent language and she has said 'I wanted to smash her face in' several times recently.

That has hugely concerned me as it is evidence of behaviour that deviates from normal behaviour that you expect from a rational person with no cognitive impairment and this has featured heavily in my recommendation to my Brother that she is now a danger to herself and potentially others. my pre Dementia Mother would be mortified if she knew what she was saying.

You live with this and it is just one small part of your DH's behaviour towards you.

To answer your question OP, no. The father of my DD, I finally felt safe from when I saw his coffin sliding through the crematorium door.
My DS's father, I pity his present partner. I know he will never change.
Although I tried.

Oh dear. You're not in a good situation.

What you've described, that is not a nice relationship. He is abusive and a drugs user. You are scared and normalizing it. Your daughter is protecting you and being exposed to rely damaging things.

Ever heard of the frog analogy? Put a frog in boiling water and it'll try and jump out. Put a frog in cold water and slowly heat it up, the frog won't try and save itself, it will sit there until it dies.

Lego - Your post sounds exactly like my DH regarding the driving and sex.

Thanks for all your replies. I think I really need to hear this. I do feel like I am making excuses for his behaviour and after 8 years together I feel like I have lost perspective. He left the house sulking this morning because I turned him down. I'm amazed at how scared I feel inside of making a fuss. I can see that what is going on is wrong and yet it's almost like I've lost my inner strength to fight back.

I have other things going on in my life that have left me drained emotionally and that makes this all so much harder.

Sustained bullying (or emotional abuse) always leaves victims feeling confused, weak, emotionally drained, scared of making a fuss, guilty, insecure.... the list goes on and on.

I'm glad you've shared your experience here because another common effect of living with this kind of behaviour is to wonder 'is it me?'... 'am I expecting too much?'.... 'is this normal?'.... 'am I overreacting?' No-one likes to think they are in an abusive relationship - there is still a stigma attached - but it is depressingly widespread and is no reflection on you as an individual. You are clearly intelligent, strong and capable.

No you can't change him. ONly he can, and only if he wants to. But abusive people get way too much out of it to want to change, usually. There are rare exceptions - the people who ask for help. Yours isnt one.

Your DD is being damaged right now by seeing what you are putting up with. Even if it's after bedtime, she is being affected.

Can anyone find the thread on 'did they regret leaving their abuser?' < cant manage it atm>. Very very few people regretted it. Most regretted staying so long.

Come over to the EA support thread and share with folks who recognize what you are going through and can give you back up! I would like but can't on mobile...

Link even...

The only thing I can think of that could possibly excuse his behaviour at all (and even then I'm not sure it's enough of an excuse) is the drug use. I've known people who habitually smoke weed, it makes them unpleasant, paranoid, aggressive, depressed, all sorts of things. Not necessarily while they are high, but after. While they are high, they are often fine. There's evidence to suggest it can cause MH issues (not that this would be a reason for you to stay). What saying is, I think the only thing if could possibly say or do to show you that you shouldn't leave, is get off the weed, stay off it, & start being nicer to you.

The reason why I've mentioned this, your comment about him needing a smoke & then being fine when he'd had it, really rang alarm bells for me. It sounds very much like he needs that, just to function normally, this is very bad & would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

Do you think he will get totally off the weed by the deadline you've given him? It doesn't seem likely, from what you've said.

Or, he night just be a nasty unpleasant person, even without the weed.

My ex was emotionally abusive with flashes of 'mild' physical abuse. Between these incidents he was a really great guy, loving, fun, generous, hard working yadda yadda yadda! At first I could ignore the bad times as the great really were great, these just whittled away until I found myself miserable. In the end it was like a switch in my brain, it was over!
It was hard but it was over and I stuck to my guns.

After he'd started on me, I found out he'd done it to others, I also know he's gone on and done it up others since. His last marriage ended within a week when he bit through her ear. Lovely man huh?

Now, many of you will have balked when I said "mild" psychical abuse, I said that only to demonstrate the escalation in his levels of abuse. The emotional abuse of his first gfs, the emotional and physical abuse of me with hair pulling, choking and shoving onto the terrible abuse of his last wife by biting through her ear.

If abuse goes on without consequence it escalates, it does not calm down or disappear.

Good luck x

No, you cannot change him.

He sounds to me like an abuser and an addict.

He needs to seek help if he wants to change this.
Chances are he won't .

You cannot control or change his behaviour, only how you respond to it.
Love and strength.

Yeah he's right. He's certainly got you well trained. In fact you're so well trained that you think you're training HIM to be less abusive, as if that's something to be thankful for.

Oh, he is good.

He is abusive, but the difference is now that he has established cause and effect (you do what he wants or he abuses you) so now he doesn't have to go to so much effort to get you to toe the line.
The sooner you get you and your dd out of there the better. She has plenty of hold hood left; don't let her grow up thinking this is what women should accept.

I don't think he will manage to quit the weed, I have been begging him for years. I don't think he thinks I will go through with leaving him if he doesn't. Even though things are relatively OK at the moment I feel so cold emotionally. I look at him and the way he speaks to some people (including myself) and I wonder how it came to this.

Sorry if I am rambling on. I guess I am trying to build myself some strength to leave when my deadline hits. It will be bad. He manipulates me by threatening to leave and somehow I end up a pathetic mess. Then he will say he will come back if I change my ways. I can see this happening, I understand he's doing it but I don't know how and I don't understand my behaviour. My self confidence and self esteem are at rock bottom.

Thanks for all your replies, I have read them over and over again.

Good luck, OP.

I'm amazed at how scared I feel inside of making a fuss.

Think back to your younger self. Is this what you would have wanted for her?

This man is your enemy. Once you get that straight in your head, it all becomes a lot easier x

I understand he's doing it but I don't know how and I don't understand my behaviour

He's really done a number on you, OP. You need to get away from him. I think that once you're away from him, you'll gradually start to see just how awful he was and you'll start to understand your own behaviour. I really don't think things are going to improve as long as you're with him though.

Read 'Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft and you will have the answer to your question of how and why he is doing all of this.

You need to leave. I know it is really hard, but for the sake of your own sanity and your DD's emotional heath, this has to be done. And do not come back.

He will find someone else. You may or may not be surprised how quickly he finds his feet.

Don't beat yourself up asking how you got into this mess. Conserve your energy for figuring out how to get out.

You might like to contact Women's Aid for counselling and help. 0808 2000 247. The WA Freedom Programme might give you insights into your own relationship behaviour, but for now, concentrate on moving out and on with your life.

Please do not allow the illusion of control govern your actions here -- you are not in control over the effect he is having on your DD as things stand just because you are all there together. The only aspect of this that you have any control over is how you decide to deal with it.

You will not necessarily have to send your DD off to his care for any more than every second weekend. You will have input into how all of that pans out.

And you cannot appease abuse. It always escalates. It is a beast that the abuser must feed.

Think about a regular day in your house, how you walk on egg shells, how you feel sad all the time, how your heart drops when you see him rolling up, how you feel about yourself and how you're losing all of your self respect and how that makes you cry and how alone you feel.

Now think about arriving home to a much smaller house, maybe even a tiny flat, how you'll be holding your dd's hand, about laughing and chatting together, switching on the lights and preparing a meal, still chatting, maybe the tv on in the background or some music playing, about putting her to bed and turning round to sitting down with maybe a book before settling down yourself for a peaceful sleep.

Honestly, which picture makes you happier, go for it!

Begging him to quit smoking weed, nagging him, threatening to leave - none of this will make any difference.

When you have the strength, leave.
You'll be surprised how quickly you feel so much better and will find confidence in yourself again.

Then, when you and DD are actually gone, he might consider whether changing his ways is worth the effort. If he becomes clean and shows you evidence of having changed (not words; deeds), you may consider careful and slow contact again.

Until you leave, nothing will change, I fear.