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Original poster

Sensitive Post.. Please be honest. What would you do?

28 replies

4thTimeLuckyWithBoo · 13/12/2013 13:50

Firstly this is a sensitive post.. But i know people will have different opinions.

I'm just over 18 weeks pregnant after losing my son at 6 months in 2012. You can imagine that mine and my partners relationship has been rocky but the past year it has been really good.

Anyway I got took into hospital Monday because I had cramps and a little bleed. They said everything was fine but wanted to keep me in. My partner was 6 hours away at this point working and couldnt cone home. I kept him upto date, and messaged him at half 11.. I got no reply. I thought nothing of it.

The next day the scanned me to find that my cervix had gone from 2.5cm to 1.2cm in a matter of days. I had a cervical stitch placed on Tuesday at 5pm. My partner at this point just started travellig home. He got home at 12.30am on the wednesday and stopped at the hispital with me.

On the wednesday morning I woke up the usual.. I got checked over, had some blood so had to stay in longer. My partner. went to make me breakfast in the patient kitchen whilst I was on his phone trying to find a webpage for girl clothes on his history which i previously looked at.. I found porn on his history from the first night in hospital when he never text ne back. Atleast 5 links :-(.

I confronted him he said he didn't do it. I left it at that because i couldn't get worked up. Yesterday when he was away i text him about it.. he admited to viewing it.. he said he didn't watch it and it didnt do anything for him :-(. I text him that night and he never replied because he was to busy with porn :-(. I was ill with our daughter in me :-(.

What would you do if you was in my situation? I'm distraught how he did this to ne whilst i was ill!

He is now acting like nothing has happened, I can't really do much because I'm on rest so relying on him. We was meant to be getting married in four months :-(. Be honest.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 13/12/2013 13:59

to be fair he didn't know you were, I don't think he ever saw your text that eve. But personally I'm not a fan of men who watch porn when they have a relationship, without the wife approving or takig part. For many women, it's acceptable. I think it depends whether it was a one off when hje's away and stressed, or is this his habit.

LunaticFringe · 13/12/2013 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreggsOnLegs · 13/12/2013 14:00

It really doesn't matter what we would do.
This is about you and how it makes you feel, not us.

Do you want to marry a man that puts his sexual needs before the needs of his daughter and wife to be?

brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 14:01

This is a tough one, my initial thoughts were maybe he is stressed out/worried with what's happening to you after your previous loss and he needed something to take his mind off of it?

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 13/12/2013 14:13

Honestly - leave the porn out of it for a moment.

If I had been in hospital with a threatened miscarriage, and my partner was surfing the net looking at cars/twitter/whatever... I would be seriously considering my options.

I am not going to say LTB, but I would advise you to think carefully about your future with him.

Original poster
4thTimeLuckyWithBoo · 13/12/2013 14:15

He new I was in hospital and he saw the text but at the time I sent it he was playing on the playstation with his friend. He then went to bed at half 1 and watched or what ever the porn.

He new that I was having a few difficulties which is why I had to stay. I just dont see how he coukd put his sexual pleasure before me and his daughter :-(. And then he lied to my face, which He has done before.

I'm thinking of cancelling the wedding because I will be 36+ weeks and I have my stitch taken out at 36weeks and I will go into labour within the week and she will be in nicu for a week qpparently.

I love him more than anything and I've NEVER hurt him but he keeps hurting me. Well first time he has in a yearish...

OP posts:
Andy1964 · 13/12/2013 14:18

For some women it's un acceptable, for others it's different.

For you, your in a really vunerable position at the moment.
I imagine if you were to get to the bottom of this you will find that DH feels terrible about not only you finding it but also having viewed it at that particular time. I'm almost 100% sure that had he known your position his mind will have been with you and what you have in your oven.

Concentrate on yourself and your baby, don't let this get in the way, there are far more important things to be worrying about.

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 13/12/2013 14:22

That is it though - its not about the porn (that is a whole other issue).

He was playing Playstation when you texted him and he didn't reply. That is incredibly cruel and self-centred.

I am sorry you are going through this.

nilbyname · 13/12/2013 14:22

There is obviously more to this than you're saying here, but it sounds like you have serious doubts.

Cancel the wedding to give yourself more time?

Personally I would not be with someone who used porn regularly. Personally.

brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 14:25

I think the Playstation and the not texting back would bother me more than the porn.

So you will be getting married while your pregnant?

Original poster
4thTimeLuckyWithBoo · 13/12/2013 14:25

The porn situation doesn't bother me. If he wants to watch it atleast cover his tracjs because I dont want to know. But he could of atkeast text me back.

The main reason it is bothering me is because I find porn very degrading towards women and I find that the woman are often being overpowered by the men. I have been sexually abused myself which is why I can't stand it. he knows this.

I just thought he would of had a little bit more repect for me than that.

I have told him I am staying with him, because it isn't just me in the equation. But I'm going ti have to come to terms with this whole situation before she gets her which will be hard but it needs to be done.

I'm just scared that everytime i brush something like this on my shoulder things get better for a short period of time thwn it escalated and worsens again.. that petrifies me

OP posts:
crunchypower · 13/12/2013 14:29

I personally, wouldn't worry about it. Some people pleasure themselves to help them sleep. It sounds like he is there for you, caring and attentive.

passedgo · 13/12/2013 14:31

The only reason someone would lie to your face is because they have something to hide. They have something to hide because

a) they want to have their cake and eat it too / are devious
b) they are worried about your reaction and want to avoid conflict

But you have to have absolute proof of what he has done and when - don't assume anything. Also remember that he will probably be as scared of losing the baby as you are.

Original poster
4thTimeLuckyWithBoo · 13/12/2013 14:31

Nilby he doesn't use porn often as he works really long hours so doesnt get the chance to.

Brussle, yes the wedding has been planned for a while and I didn't expect to be pregnant. We was going to go ahead with it but obviously now there is a high chance our little girl will be here and I'm not 100% sure if I want to go ahead i may cancel. Also the prom isnt bithering me as much as the not texting me bavk and me being hospital. But when i add the porn into the equation it nakes matter worse.

OP posts:
passedgo · 13/12/2013 14:33

Did you just say you have a repeat pattern of sorting out a problem and then things getting worse again - is that always about porn or is it other things?

Meerka · 13/12/2013 14:37

An awful lot of men watch porn. Personally I don't think it really matters - depending on the porn; there's porn and porn isnt there :/

Watching some porn, tactfully tidied away and not in your face, just isnt that big a deal to my mind. Not my cup of tea, but not a problem as long as he doesn't rub my nose in it. Specially as ahem I'm out of action myself due to pregnancy.

However, not answering a text when you're in hospital with trouble with your pregnancy is a big deal. Doesnt matter the reason, playstation's as bad. It's not a matter of his sexual pleasure before you, it's a matter of his enjoyment before you. It's bang out of order not to be there for you.

The fact he's lied to you is also a problem.

Cancel the wedding? I don't know. It depends on what else is going on, as nilbyname says it sounds like therés more going on here. Clearly you are very upset (rightly so over him not being there) and I do think you and he have to get to the bottom of that and resolve it before going further with wedding plans.

Meerka · 13/12/2013 14:39

I'm just scared that everytime i brush something like this on my shoulder things get better for a short period of time thwn it escalated and worsens again.. that petrifies me

this is worrying. This needs to resolve before you go any further.

brusslesprout · 13/12/2013 14:42

If you're not sure about the wedding then you don't have to go through with it, unless it's really important for you to be married before the baby comes? Sounds like you could do without the stress of a wedding!

MmeCinqAnneauxDor · 13/12/2013 14:51

It's not a matter of his sexual pleasure before you, it's a matter of his enjoyment before you. It's bang out of order not to be there for you.

Original poster
4thTimeLuckyWithBoo · 13/12/2013 15:06

Crunchy, he is a very supportive man and has always been there me. I know our little girl already means the world to him, he cant stop looking, holding or kissong my belly and blowing rasberries on it! I know it is overwhelming him that I'm pregnant again after the loss of our son. He took the loss of our son badly and didn't cope as well as me.

OP posts:
Original poster
4thTimeLuckyWithBoo · 13/12/2013 15:16

I understand he couldnt be at the hospital eith me because he was six hours away and his boss told him if he left then he wouldnt have a job. I told him to stay as the problems werent bad then.

I really want to marry him. And I wanted to before having a child because I didnt want to bring my child into yhe world out of wedlock. I dont know why its just my views.

The previous problems are mainly to do with and ex. She was kinda obsessed with him and he just told me its a girl he used to like but nothing came from it.. he didnt even know 'her name'. Turns out it was his ex fiancee, he was with her for about 3 years and she was trying to get back with him. His ex fiancee was also his best mates sister. So when he stayed at his best mates she wuld be there and I obviously didn't have a clue about this until a year into our relationship. Since finding out about this she has been telling people she is going to get hom back, she has been messaging me lies about there relationship to try and break us up. So his lottle lie of hiding who she was made her feel special, which led her to trying to destroy our relationship countless times. I dont blame it fully on him which is why I decided to brush it inder the carpet. Abit petty really.

OP posts:
gaygirlwales · 13/12/2013 15:40

Hmm in the circumstances I would be annoyed, perhaps not enough to cancel the wedding. I would talk more about it.

On a seperate note. I watch it and am incredibly in love with my gf

FluffyJumper · 13/12/2013 15:48

Honestly? I don't see what he's done wrong.

Jan45 · 13/12/2013 15:59

I wudn't like my partner watching porn but we're all different. the fact he never got back to you is not good either, whether this for you means the wedding is off is your prerogative but talk to him, maybe once he has explained it, it will seem less upsetting for you?

Original poster
4thTimeLuckyWithBoo · 13/12/2013 16:10

The wedding wont just be of due to what has happened.. a midwife told me it might be best because they will take my stitch out at 36weeks and they probably won't wait untilafter the wedding which will be 36+5.. which means I could be in labour on my wedding day or i might have had baby by then and she will probably be in nicu. Tough decision to make.

Jan we spoke last night, he said he didnt know why he searched for it but before he could watch it he felt disguisted in his self for even thinking about it. He actually looked like he was sorry.

OP posts:
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