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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic abuse

48 replies

honey2674 · 12/12/2013 20:30

Hi, i am a 39 year old mother of 3 and been in a relationship for 20 years. This weekend my children saw so much that my daughter (12) called the police. He is now at his parents in a different town and with the special bail conditions. I have been speaking through texts which i know i shouldn't and panicked when he spoke of suicide today. So much so that i feel so awful about that i have said that maybe we could try. I'm so lost, angry at myself and confused. Has anyone been here and stayed and not regretted it? His violence was always when drunk but i have become aware that domestic abuse is not just violence.

Looking at all the years i see what he has done to me. He is going to meetings and setting up counselling and i am finding it so difficult to ignore. I hope no-one sees me as weak, or stupid, i just feel so unsure of myself and everything.

OP posts:
Minnieisthedevilmouse · 12/12/2013 20:32

It's ok. You won't be the first or sadly last my dear. Listening. Where do you want to start?
Best
Minnie x

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 12/12/2013 20:34

in my admittedly limited experience those that mean suicide just get on with it ( failing or succeeding) those that flounce won't actually go there it's just fluff for attention and to confuse

Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 20:34

You are right there. I grew up in my teens with a drunken abusive stepfather, yet here i am doing the same thing to my children. I feel myself being sucked back in and i am so angry at myself for doing that. Thank you for responding

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Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 20:36

That is a very good point. I feel so stupid

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mmmmtoffee · 12/12/2013 20:38

Hi

im currently fleeing domestic abuse.

my ex p is apparently going to comit suicide, ive told my DV worker who said most of them say it to try and wean tou back in and im not to follow it.

sorry to hear you are also going through DV.

Monetbyhimself · 12/12/2013 20:39

Threats of suicide are classic abusive behaviour. He realises that he is losing control of you. My Ex made suicide and suicide/murder threats. I really recommend a boom by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'
Have you spoken to anyone from Womens Aid ?

Lweji · 12/12/2013 20:40

The best way not be sucked in is to keep remembering what happened and cut all contact.

You said you could try, but you can change your mind.

Think of what your children are going through, that one felt compelled to call the police. Massive :(

Even if you are willing to eventually go back, he should work on himself, by himself, with you and your children safely in your own home. You should give him enough time to either really become a better person or show himself up for the bastard he is.

If he has intentions of working on himself, he'll not force you and give you enough time.

That he's emotionally blackmailing you through suicide threats is a very bad sign. Sorry.

GinAndIt · 12/12/2013 20:42

As I'm sure you realise, your daughter must have been terrified to feel she needed to call the police. For your children's sake, you should not 'try again' with this man.

Violence when drunk is still violence and, as you say, domestic abuse is not just about using your fists.

It sounds like you were young when you met him. He is probably pretty much all you've known, relationship-wise, yes? And you already know you're repeating the patterns you few up with. I'm sure you don't want that for your own dd.

Stay here, talk. No on will judge you and you'll get good advice. But don't expect any of us to tell you that you won't regret it if you go back, because you will. And so will your children.

GinAndIt · 12/12/2013 20:43

*grew up with

Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 20:49

Thank you for your responses. As soon as i said 'well maybe we could', i felt it in the pit of my stomach that it was wrong. God, i feel like such a mess. I see how responsible he has made me for his emotional health and after 20 years, yeah i am struggling to pull away, despite the fact i am intelligent enough to see 'us' as wrong

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Lweji · 12/12/2013 20:51

Just giving my personal experience, every single time I trusted exH in some way, he broke it.
To the point that now I prefer to distrust than to give him the benefit of the doubt. And occasionally I still see in his behaviour the reasons why I don't trust him, even though he seems a lot better.

Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 20:51

Of course i dont want this for any of my children which is why i said yeah, just call the police

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Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 20:52

Lweji, are you still together?

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Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 20:52

Wait, sorry, read to quickly, i now see you said ex

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MerryFuckingChristmas · 12/12/2013 20:58

Extricate yourself for your children.

Do you want to put your 12 yo back in that situation ? Are Social Services involved ? They should be. Someone needs to protect your children if you cannot.

Lweji · 12/12/2013 20:59

Yours was a normal reaction to being emotionally abused in the phone calls. You just want them to end and you want to believe the best in people.

I've been there. It's very hard to break away, but you will have to. For now just stop all the phone conversations. You can communicate by text or email. You can read them when you want and you can chose what to reply when you feel ready to. You can even give them for another person to read.
I highly recommend doing this.

I even automatically redirected his e-mails to a separate folder, that I couldn't see when I logged in. So, I'd just checked the folder when I felt strong enough to read them.

Knotter · 12/12/2013 21:00

I was with my exh for 16 years and he was violent to me for the last 7 years, mainly when drunk - not all the time or I'm sure I would have ended it sooner. My dd1 also told me quite firmly that I must call the police - she was 6 Sad. Be strong and keep this man away - if nothing else for the sake of your dcs, who will be damaged I'm sorry to say. My dd1 is still affected by past events even though they were some time ago now. You don't want the cycle to continue into another generation.

Try to get some counselling for yourself, or the Freedom Programme if it's available locally for women coming out of abusive relationships. Best of luck.

Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 21:01

I'm so sorry mmmmtoffee to hear you are going through this too. I didnt realise that suicide was a classic sign. So naive huh. Not spoken to womens aid yet. Seeing a lady on Monday morning from Barnados who has done this kind of thing a long time. Apparently she is great and will help, so i hope i just stop being an idiot till then

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CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 12/12/2013 21:10

Not naive, honey. You've only seen your own experience, how would you know? But it is helpful to hear from others who have seen a wider picture, isn't it?

That's great that you have someone lined up to support you. Try not to respond to his messages at all for the moment. I can't imagine there's anything that needs to be talked about before Monday, say? This is your chance for a bit of breathing space. I'm sure you need it!

Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 21:12

Thank you Charlotte. Yeah i need to ignore the messages. I feel like i have set him up by saying maybe and im terrified of what he will do

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Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 21:16

Thank you merryfuckingchristmas, helpful...not

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CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 12/12/2013 21:16

Of course you haven't set him up, as that wasn't your intention, although I've no doubt that he'd be happy for you to think that. You are used to thinking along his skewed lines of reasoning and that is part of the ongoing DA that isn't the violence bit.

Re worrying about what he will do, can you break it down into specific scenarios, so that you can plan for them? You can phone the police and check with them if you should call them out for scenarios you're worried about, if you're feeling unsure.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 12/12/2013 21:23

It's helpful for your kids. Your 12yo called the police. Are you saying that SS are not involved ? I would have thought that was an automatic referral, and they would be a help to you if you prove that you don't put your relationship with an abuser over the welfare of your children.

Original poster
honey2674 · 12/12/2013 21:25

He has said things over the years like he would use my ms to show i am an unfit mother, hurt my sister by lying to her boss, kick me out of the house and leave me with nothing, use the fact i was sexually assaulted to say that i slept with someone else and cried rape.......endless

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CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 12/12/2013 21:29

He sounds vile. Write yourself a list, starting with what you've just written, and reread it every time you're tempted to take him back (or try again - what a horrible phrase, as if a lack of effort on your part is in any way responsible for his behaviour). Add more to it as it occurs to you.

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