Domestic abuse

[honey2674]

Hi, i am a 39 year old mother of 3 and been in a relationship for 20 years. This weekend my children saw so much that my daughter (12) called the police. He is now at his parents in a different town and with the special bail conditions. I have been speaking through texts which i know i shouldn't and panicked when he spoke of suicide today. So much so that i feel so awful about that i have said that maybe we could try. I'm so lost, angry at myself and confused. Has anyone been here and stayed and not regretted it? His violence was always when drunk but i have become aware that domestic abuse is not just violence.

Looking at all the years i see what he has done to me. He is going to meetings and setting up counselling and i am finding it so difficult to ignore. I hope no-one sees me as weak, or stupid, i just feel so unsure of myself and everything.

What I'd say to you is that, just because you've said 'maybe we could try', you don't have to follow through. You can change your mind. You're not stupid but you have to drop contact as a matter of urgency. After half a lifetime of abusive & manipulative treatment you're going to need a lot of support ... emotional, legal, financial.... to stay strong and keep him away. Unfortunately, SS will be interested in your kids - and not in a good way - if you take him back. So please take up any and all offers of help and make you and your DCs top priority. You might benefit from talking to Womens Aid, for example.

Your DD sounds like a terrific kid btw. Very courageous. If you feel weak at all, try to match her example. Good luck

Ever said you will go on a diet and not?

Same here. Just coz you say one thing, you can actually do another....

Give dd a squeeze from me. She sounds a top minihoney.

You can follow up the "we could try" with "in two years if you show no signs at all of being abusive".
I bet he'll fail just in the response to that.

Here is a link to the online freedom programme.

There are always some posters here who will be too blunt .. Ignore them. Take the good advice on offer. You need to be string now for your childrens sake. Take any help you are offered. Dont let him reel you back in. I have heard amazing things from posters here about the freedom programme. That's what you can be now. Free. Your dd did the best thing. You can't let her down now. Baby steps. You will get there. Keep posting.

Is it possible to be "too blunt" when your 12yo makes a serious cry for help, he is officially removed from your family because of it, and yet you are still considering getting back with the abuser ?

Blunt is ok.

Blunt with understanding is better.

Have you ever been scared for your safety with a close relative, Merry?

Charlotte, have you ever been that child ?

Hi OP. I don,t have any pearls of wisdom other than as a fellow ms sufferer. You need to take care of yourself to stay well...stress is a big trigger for a realpse

Hi OP, don't say you're stupid. You're not. You've just been in a very difficult situation for a long time, it sounds like you have been manipulated and abused and have lost trust in your own instincts and decision making.

Are you in touch with your local Domestic abuse service? You will get the specialist help and support you need there.

MerryFuckingChristmas is blunt but her point is valid. You need to protect your DC as well as yourself. But I'm sure you already know that. With the right support you will get there and find the confidence to move on and ignore his attempts to regain control of you.

I haven't called OP any names. I sympathise with her. But I sympathise with her kids more

As will any real life agencies involved. She needs to let them help her keep this man out of her children's life. She has been given a chance with the special bail conditions but is already breaking them from her side of the fence. How is that going to look when the people tasked with safeguarding her children are aware of it ?

It may be "blunt" but hand holding won't cut it here, I am afraid.

I was hoping you'd stop and think rather than firing back your own question without answering mine...

No, I haven't - but OP has.

All I was saying was that a little empathy might help to get your point across.

X-post!

There's the empathy... I retract my point! :o

opreadthislink
You can do this

I think Merry's advice was spot on. The first thing I thought was if SS are involved those kids will not be allowed to go back into an abusive situation and the OP needs to realise that when she has moments of weakness.

I agree with Merry, leave for your kids.

When you have been in an abusive relationship it crushes everything, your belief in yourself, your ability to make decisions, to trust yourself, everything. What you need to do is to build that up again. Simple things like making a list of good things you have done and a promise to yourself (eg I will not contact him today. I will let him be responsible for his own actions).

What you do not need is anyone else bullying you and telling you what to do or making you feel worse about yourself (even via the internet, because that is what abusers do).

Other posters might like to read Lundy Bancroft's chapter on how to help children who are victims of domestic abuse. How to help, is to support the mother to trust herself to do the right thing.

Women's Aid may be able to organise family therapy for you and older dc to help heal what has happened to you.

Everyone is allowed to change their mind. So you said "maybe you could try". So what? You are allowed to change your mind. Especially since he was blackmailing you with threats of suicide.
You don't owe him anything.

On a practical point - bail conditions in DV cases usually include the absolute ban on personal contact from the abuser to the victim. If he is contacting you under these circumstances then he is in breach of his bail conditions. Report him to the police if that is the case and try and give yourself some time to come to terms with the new situation. You do not have to reply to any direct contact from him ever again, it can all be done through solicitors or third parties.

I second letting the police know about his texts, you can say you felt pressured to say you would give it a go due to his suicide threats. It is important social services know that you are not getting back together. His threats re the children are very very common. In a non abusive relationship your 12 yo would be asked who she wanted to live with and this would be considered.

Please keep the texts and report him, this will help you if this goes to court. Keep financial documents too, payslips, statements, pensions, shares, I know you may not be in the right frame of mind but this may be your best chance to get everything in order.

Just wanted to add that you will not get into any sort of trouble by answering his texts, the bail conditions apply to him not you so don't let that stop you reporting him.

How are things honey?