Ok, thank you.
If this contains too much info please can some one report it to be deleted. I am not sure how much I am allowed to say on a forum.
Sorry if this is a bit jumbled and long. I am 24 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, so this has brought a lot of things to a head.
I think my dad abused me in a sexual way from when I was small. I say think, because I am not sure really, but the things he did certainly made me feel uncomfortable about myself and my body.
There are home videos of me naked, aged 2 to 3 (when we first got a video recorder), and those videos zoom in very closely between my legs. My dad apparently thinks these are normal. He brought some family videos to show us a year or do ago, dh was shocked. He didn't say much to me, but he said they obviously made him feel uncomfortable, seeing a baby like that. He left the room while they were on. Each of those sciences last a few mins, I was naked and jumping round on the bed, like a normal toddler, but I would never dream of filming my child's intimate areas in such detail.
My dad was always touching and kissing me as a child. Not in intimate areas but I often felt uncomfortable.
I slept in my parents bed until I was 8. They said it was because I was too scared to sleep in my own room, but I don't remember feeling that way at all. The had sex while I was in their bed and I sent many nights laying there petrified, pretending to be asleep and praying I would fall back to sleep, trying to control my panicked breathing so they wouldn't know I was awake. It was only a normal double, and my mother was quite a large lady, so I was in very close proximity. It wasn't quiet or discrete sex either, I found it utterly traumatising.
My dad also insisted on bathing me until I was 12 years old. He used to make me get on my hands and knees so he could was me from behind and it look ages, I felt increasingly uncomfortable especially as I aged. He also had a 'game' where he would ask id I wanted my private parts washed 'yes or no' I'd say no, I was obviously uncomfortable with it, he would laugh and it would be the more I protested, the funnier he found it. The washing would be quite rough and a lot more intimate and 'further up' than it needed to be. I also started to develop early, I had breasts and pubic hair at 10 and there was no hiding. It made me so uncomfortable.
As I said I am pregnant with a girl. I know DH wouldn't harm her, he's a good man. But last night I was looking at baby bath seats etc, and DH said 'she can come in with me when she's tiny, it will be easier for us to wash her if she's being held, won't it?' and I froze. It scared the life out of me. I know its perfectly innocent, I know of many mothers/fathers who bathe small babies with them as it's easier (I have an older ds from a previous marriage, I bathed with him as a small baby).
My ex was a lazy shit, he never did a thing for ds so I never had the worry, it was always me bathing/changing so I never had the worry with him.
Dh doesn't know any of this. He thinks my dad is great and I am horrible to him. He thinks I am fucked up because I am very cold towards my father (my mother is dead) and uncaring. He has a lovely relationship with his parents, hugs, kisses, telling them he loves etc. I can't even sit on the same sofa with my father or I feel physically sick, let alone hug him.
I can't tell dh. I've been with him for three years. It's not the sort of thing you tell someone on a first date and there is never a right time.
I had horrendous PDN after the birth of ds, as well as having depression since i was a child i told him about a year ago. He stated shouting at me, saying he didn't know who I was, when was I going to tell him I was a 'nutter'. It's the same with everything, my first marriage was abusive, when I have told him things its always the same, "I don't know you at all, do I, what else have you hidden/are you lying about".