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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was this rape? Sorry if sensitive.

27 replies

sillymillyb · 11/12/2013 23:15

I was talking to a friend about how her partner was raped by her ex - he often used to wake her up having sex to her.

It just made me think, my ex used to do this to me. I would often wake up with him inside me - which I hated. He knew this (it used to make me cry) especially as he wouldn't have sex with me when he was sober / I was awake.

It was an abusive relationship in other ways, but I had never thought of this as rape as we were together. I'm totally fine, please don't feel you need to offer support - I'm just a bit confused!

Was it rape or was he just a bit weird?!

Ps was going to name change, as a bit sensitive, but had a few glasses of wine and it seems less important now!

OP posts:

crazyafterall · 11/12/2013 23:16

God I'm sorry but yes that sounds like rape to me.

Original poster

sillymillyb · 11/12/2013 23:19

It was a very long time ago (about 5 years) so i am fine now, I just never thought of it as that.

Thanks for answering, I needed an impartial view, its a bit of a weird concept to me (if that makes sense?)

OP posts:

VanitasVanitatum · 11/12/2013 23:21

Definitely rape, how can you consent when you're asleep? In fact you had told him you did not want him to, so you had clearly indicated you did not consent.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

crazyafterall · 11/12/2013 23:21

No I know what you mean. You are not being silly. It's almost like validation for you after the event.

But he sounds abusive and dreadfully cruel. I'm so glad you have it behind you.

crunchypower · 11/12/2013 23:23

Yes

Cuddleswithcats · 11/12/2013 23:23

Yes, this is rape. I'm sorry this happened to you

LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 23:24

Definitely rape. What a cunt.

Original poster

sillymillyb · 11/12/2013 23:27

Wow. ok. I really wasn't expecting that!

How odd, I don't know how to react! It was years ago, and like I say it's totally fine now, it just never occurred to me that that was what it was.

He always said he had no control over it, as he was half asleep - he was pissed off with me for being upset I think.

Thank you for all replying, it doesn't change anything but it's given me something to think about. I appreciate it.

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 23:34

What else could it be? As someone said, you can't consent if you are asleep and rape is sex without consent.

And bollocks to his not being able to control it. It's not like sleepwalking.

LoisPuddingLane · 11/12/2013 23:36

And being in a relationship with someone does not give them blanket consent to enter your body at will. Consent is an ongoing thing. You can withdraw it at any time. Telling him you did not like it was showing you did not consent, and the fact that it was making you cry would have cause a decent man to pause and, hopefully, stop.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 11/12/2013 23:36

yes, it was. Sorry.

Not able to give consent means you were raped.

Lweji · 11/12/2013 23:49

he was pissed off with me for being upset I think.

And that should tell you all you needed to know. A good person would be upset if the other was upset.
He knew what he was doing. He just didn't like being challenged.

Original poster

sillymillyb · 11/12/2013 23:57

We had many sexual problems to be honest - I used to glamour model (I was abused as a child, that was my way of taking control while I was processing it I think) and he hated that. He used to refuse to have sex with me as he felt that I was used / dirty (he was the most mild mannered man till drunk) so I think he felt he was doing me a favour by having sex with me and therefore couldn't understand why I was upset.

I realise it all sounds like a totally dysfunctional relationship, but to talk to him you would honestly think he was the nicest man.

I think I have always felt a bit confused about why It upset me - I have known it wasn't "right" but to hear my friend describing it as rape was a totally new aspect for me.

Sorry if not making much sense, I'm on my phone and am struggling to work out how I'm feeling / thinking about it.

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 11/12/2013 23:59

Yes it is. My ex used to do this as well.

Lweji · 12/12/2013 00:02

You're not the only one who has been through this and thought it was "normal" at the time.
There have been threads started by people complaining about this and people coming on saying that's normal, as their OH's do it (did it) as well.
It's part of the abuse, that you are abused and feel that there is something wrong with you instead.

Mellowandfruitful · 12/12/2013 00:10

Definitely rape. And utterly disgusting other behaviour towards you as well. Someone who deliberately does something they know hugely upsets their partner is being horrible and controlling anyway. To try and say he didn't have control over himself is just awful and pathetic. Thank goodness you are rid of him now.

CoffeeQueen187 · 12/12/2013 00:16

This happened to me too and I never thought of it as rape either untill now.

It happened to me mostly whilst I was pregnant with mine and my ex's son (my eldest) and for a while afterwards. It only stopped because I split up with h when DS was 8mo.

But, again, I never thought of it as rape. I don't know why I told him I didn't like it etc (especially when pg) but he didn't seem to take any notice :(

MatildaWhispers · 12/12/2013 00:22

It was rape, and it is weird realising that a man that you would describe as a 'nice man' could do something that would be described as rape.

Original poster

sillymillyb · 12/12/2013 09:05

I just wanted to check in this morning and say thank you for your help last night.

It's very weird thinking about it, but it also makes a lot more sense to me now.

I'm also really sorry other people have had it happen to them - I hated it, and I'm sorry it seems so prevalent.

Thank you again

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 09:50

It strikes me as very sad that so many people can say "yes, my ex used to do that" and that they never thought of it as rape. These sad excuses for men were forcing their dick up you when you were sleeping. It makes me feel sick and angry.

Original poster

sillymillyb · 12/12/2013 11:23

I think the problem is that some men think it would be amazing to be woken up with sex, so they can't make the leap why women might not like it?

I don't want to make excuses, in fact maybe I shouldn't have written the above, but I think that was what my ex thought a little bit. Or maybe how I justified it at the time.

It's all a bit confusing really! I know if I told my ex what he had done was rape he would think I had totally lost the plot. He knew I didn't like it, but equally, I think he thought that as we were in a relationship it was ok. It's scary he could still be doing it actually, but I hope his new partner has more balls than I did and has put him firmly in no doubt that it's not ok.

I'm rambling! Sorry if this upsets anyone, I am typing without thinking if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 11:26

It's upsetting only because you thought it was ok for him to do it, even though HE KNEW you didn't like it. There is absolutely no situation - unless it was pre-agreed in which case it's consensual - in which waking someone up with your dick is ok.

Original poster

sillymillyb · 12/12/2013 11:29

I'm single at the moment, partly to try and work out what are acceptable boundaries in relationships. I think, and hope, things would be different in the future, and I would be able to be clearer in why it wasn't ok and had upset me.

OP posts:

LoisPuddingLane · 12/12/2013 11:39

Well hopefully you won't end up with a tosser like this again. But if you do, you just need to say "I do not consent to this. If you do it again I'll finish the relationship and call the police". Which sounds dramatic but it's actually just asserting your right as a human being not to be violated in your sleep.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2013 12:11

He knew I didn't like it, but equally, I think he thought that as we were in a relationship it was ok

Think about it, why would it be ok to do something someone doesn't like just because you're in a relationship? Shouldn't you treat that person with more consideration than your average stranger, not less? Is he George Galloway or did he just attend the same charm school? (But even George didn't say it was ok, he said it was bad manners!)

Fortunately the law agrees with your friend, not with your ex.

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