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Original poster

My DP doesn't like BJs

29 replies

sebsmummy1 · 11/12/2013 22:54

I feel a bit rubbish as we DTD tonight and I tried to get him a bit more excited as we are TTC and this is the forth night on the trot we have had sex.

He isn't massively comfortable talking about sex in detail, he is happy with dirty talk and innuendos but not breaking it down and talking about the mechanics of it to improve our sex life, techniques etc.

We've been together around three years and before him I was with a guy who loved them. So I guess my technique was what got previous partner off. Current partner doesn't like it and I feel a bit crap about it.

I just tried to post coitally discuss it and he clammed up on me. I imagine he is tired so I said should we talk about it another day and maybe we could try some different moves, a different touch or stroke and he just pulled a face.

Should I just accept some guys don't like oral or is it just he doesn't like the way i do it? I didn't ask that outright question yet did ask if he had ever received one he really enjoyed and he said yes Sad

OP posts:
Lweji · 11/12/2013 23:01

Did you ask him what he liked about that time he enjoyed it?

On the other hand, does he clam up about other things as well or just sex?

justmuddlingalongsomehow · 11/12/2013 23:02

My instant reaction to the thread title was lucky you... Not at all helpful I realise. Try to talk to him about it away from the bedroom, not when you've just dtd etc. if he has enjoyed it in the past perhaps a less pressured discussion would help him to open up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 23:03

Good sex is all about communication. Everyone likes or doesn't like different things and it's vital to get to know each other or it all falls apart. If he pulls faces and won't talk that's a pretty immature attitude, especially if you end up feeling rejected or 'crap'. Quite honestly I would stop TTC until you're on the same page sexually. It's that important

JollySantersSelectionBox · 11/12/2013 23:04

But if you are TTC it's moot for that purpose isn't it?

How does he feel about oral sex on you?

PacifistDingDong · 11/12/2013 23:06

Well, BJs won't get you pregnant, will they? Wink

Sorry.
More seriously though, different people like different things, you offered, he's not so keen, fair'enuff.

Also if you are TTC you don't need to/shouldn't have SI every single night, every other night or 3-4x/week will give better semen concentration.

Original poster
sebsmummy1 · 11/12/2013 23:09

Actually our sex life is very good. We have lots of fun with it, lots if different positions, variety. I am a bit filthy, him less so but I have filthed him up. I do most of the initiation which is fine. But I guess I'm a giver and if my technique is crap that's fine, I guess I just want to improve it, but need him to communicate to me as we go so I know what feels good and what doesn't.

All I know so far is sucking balls is not great, nibbling shaft and licking isn't that good. Sucking head is ok. So all a bit negative really.

I did ask what he liked about the great BJ he had in the last and he said it was a long time ago so can't remember.

OP posts:
PacifistDingDong · 11/12/2013 23:10

He does not want a BJ - listen to what he is telling you.

Original poster
sebsmummy1 · 11/12/2013 23:13

Pacifist interestingly I said to my fertility acupuncturist that I understood every other day is better than every day because of sperm concentration and she said that she had just completed a book and had researched it thoroughly and every day during the fertile window is the best approach. Plus making sure that your partner is very aroused.

He is happy to give me oral and his technique is great because I let him know when he is hitting the sweet spot. No complaints there.

OP posts:
Original poster
sebsmummy1 · 11/12/2013 23:15

Ok. We'll I guess I shall just have to believe he doesn't like them and it's not just bad technique and stop doing it.

OP posts:
PacifistDingDong · 11/12/2013 23:17

No disrespect to your acupuncturist, but I'd like to see her research.

It only take ONE semen cell, so everything else, arousal, position, every day/every other day, legs in the air or not etc etc is just window-dressing IMO

Good luck.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 11/12/2013 23:31

It doesn'tt sound like he completely dislikes them then.

At what stage did you try this?

I can see why you feel a little upset though as think I would feel the same.

Original poster
sebsmummy1 · 11/12/2013 23:40

As part of foreplay so before actual sex.

He is away tomorrow so I might try and have a talk at the weekend when we are less tired and mucking about for fun and not procreation.

We are definitely different characters when it comes to communicating. I am quite 'no holds barred' talk about everything, nothing is off limits. He is a little more quiet and reserved, almost prudish.

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Original poster
sebsmummy1 · 11/12/2013 23:43

As an aside he doesn't masturbate. Even when he was single he said he didn't really, so I wonder whether he doesn't really even know what he likes. Always tricky to communicates your likes to someone else when you are not sure yourself!!!

OP posts:
MrsTrellisNorthWales · 11/12/2013 23:55

My ex partner (I'm male despite name) didn't like having oral performed on her. Nothing to do with the the way I did it - as I was about go down on her for foreplay the first time we slept together she stopped me from doing it, saying she just didn't like it. Similarly, she didn't live giving BJs either.

There's nothing wrong with someone NOT liking something sexually. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not doing it right. Don't take it personally.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 12/12/2013 00:03

There could be any number of reasons he isn't that in to it. It's even possible he has a history of abuse?

I think.. and maybe I am generalizing here (although just quickly confirmed with dh Grin).. that while men might have an idea of "the best blow job" that for most men there is no "bad blow job" iyswim?

So I don't think it is you..I think it is him. And tbh if you are making him feel uncomfortable you really need to not push it.

goodasitgets · 12/12/2013 00:22

It could be anything - but I hate oral (I'm female)
Different partner/technique etc etc, no difference. Very very occasionally I can stand it but I usually say I don't like it as its easier than them starting and me going "um, actually"

BadLad · 12/12/2013 02:11

I think.. and maybe I am generalizing here (although just quickly confirmed with dh ).. that while men might have an idea of "the best blow job" that for most men there is no "bad blow job" iyswim?

I disagree with that. This week I have been subjected to a description of my colleague's antics with the woman he picked up on Saturday night, and one of his comments was that "her blowie was awful".

OP, some men just aren't into them. I'm one of them. Rather than actively disliking them, they just do nothing for me. Consequently I don't like getting them, because there is always an expectation by whomever is doing it that all men love them, and that they will be ready to orgasm in no time at all.

That's not an issue now that I am married and comfortable talking about it with DW, but it was in the early stages of relationships when I was in my early 20s.

Isetan · 12/12/2013 05:06

HE DOESN'T LIKE THEM! I'm confused, is there a rule that all men should?
His oral skills (couldn't resist) could do with some work but your listening skills are terrible.

str8tothepoint · 12/12/2013 05:45

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JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 05:52

Lol at 'filthed him up'...

JeanSeberg · 12/12/2013 05:53

... the two of you sound completely mis-matched in every way. Do you already have kids together?

MistressDeeCee · 12/12/2013 06:05

My DP doesn't like BJs either. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. OP not meaning this in a bad way but, sounds as if you could be making your man feel sexually pressured. Maybe he doesn't want to go thru a full on blow-by-blow (sorry I can never resist seriously corny double entendresGrin) account of what he does and doesnt like. Just have fun getting on with stuff you both like

Original poster
sebsmummy1 · 12/12/2013 06:22

Thanks guys xx

Yep, we have a beautiful one year old who is the light if our lives Grin

I am going to listen to the consensus and respect his words. He said he enjoyed them 'sometimes'. So sometimes it shall be.

OP posts:
TheFillyjonk · 12/12/2013 06:28

I know it's hard as you confidence is knocked and you're comparing yourself to the other BJ person, but you have to respect what he is saying when he says he doesn't want a blowjob. If he really doesn't want one, your wheedling and attempts to carry on will really drive him further into his shell.

I used to hate being fingered by my ex as the way he did it reminded me of past sexual abuse; I didn't want to tell him that so I just told him I didn't like it. He kept trying and I became more and withdrawn the more he wanted to discuss it and demand why I didn't like it when all his exes did. Eventually telling him that he reminded me of my rapist really upset hi more than any hurt ego possibly could.

The penis is also very sensitive and varies in sensitivity - he may have gone off blowjobs because of this. Is he circumcised? A lot of the time, I cannot BEAR oral as my clitoris is too sensitive, but sometimes I can.

Don't make this an issue - carry on doing and exploring what he likes. If you show him that you listen to him in the bedroom, he will trust you more. Then he may be willing to open up and experiment with you.

Good luck, and happy DTD!

Original poster
sebsmummy1 · 12/12/2013 06:47

Oh gosh that sounds awful for you both TheFilly. I imagine he was devastated when you made that connection and yep, there is nothing worse than feeling pressurised into pretending you enjoy something you don't.

Have been in that situation before and you start to do things out of politeness for fear of offending the person. I think open dialogue is the best idea, I feel like a couple should be able to freely discuss their sex lives with each other as it's healthy and most likely to result in a positive change ie darling I really like it when you do x, more of that please.

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