Relationship down the pan, is it MIL or DP?

[jadorecakesnbiscuits]

Evening all. Bit of a long one but at my witts end

Me and my DP have a 6 month old son and have been together for just over 4 years, he is a little older than me, we moved in together 2 years ago.

MIL has always been quite overbearing, when i would travel to visit my partner in the early days when he still lived with his parents, if we would go out to a bar for drinks his mum would ask why we were going out......at 9........on a Friday night. She would actually make quite a fuss about it, if we had reservations for dinner (which was very rare) she would get quite annoyed and ask why we were wasting money on food when we could just eat what she had cooked.

Now a few examples of what has been going on in the run up to my sons birth and the months after which have been hard for me, every time i got an item of clothing or toy for my son when i was pregnant she would have a go at me, saying i was wasting my money and that other people would buy us things or that they wont fit him for long, i eventually had to hide things to avoid her having a go at me, she would even tell her friend infront of me how much "money i had wasted" which was not a lot, just H&M things, asda ect.....not exactly Gucci loafers.

When i was due to give birth, she asked DP if she could be present at the birth, he said that he thought it should be just me and him (which i was surprised about because he usually is a yes man to her) so she came to see me on an evening that she knew i would be alone and basically put the thumb screws on me saying it would be cruel to deprive DP of the emotional support he will need during my labour, as it will be hard on him aswel, i politely nodded but stuck to my guns and said no, when i did go into labour she rang the ward every hour, ofcourse they cant tell anyone anything on the phone and apparently according to the receptionist she got quite stressed and manic on the phone, we couldnt answer our phones to speak to her because there was a baby coming out of my privates obv.

I decided to BF DS and during visiting hours i was struggling to help him latch, his latch had been fine but being surrounded by people made me flap a bit, she came over, put her hand around my breast and started feeding it into my sons mouth, apparently to DP this wasnt an invasion at all, and him and his mum couldnt see why i was so shocked by it, i was actually paralyzed with absolute shock at what was happening, i couldnt believe the line that had been crossed, i wanted to cry. But the way i reacted upset MIL (all i did was put my breast away and stroke my sons head, no shouting) DP made me out to be a bitch again and i beat myself up again. Whatever.

Now she is trying to tell me what hours i should and shouldnt be working when i return to work in Feb, telling me not to buy my son xmas presents and telling me that when my family come over she wants to come to "to see them". I live far away from all of my family and friends so dont get to see them often, i just want it to be about me and my family not about me running round making drinks for MIL, my partner works 9-5 over an hour away then his evenings are filled with family meals, care work and other activities that i cant be part of because i am at home putting our son to bed, alone. (yes they go for a meal once a week, about 8 of them because family is important but he doesnt put his son to bed all week or read him a story)

Im not a mousey person but i like to avoid confrontation, mainly for my son but also because i fear sticking up for myself will leave me being the villan as usual, i dont really see a future if his mom will always have so much power over us, i dont want DS to be confused about who is the woman of our home, i want to be the powerful female figure in his life, should i leave? Am i a bitch? Im only 22 and i dont know what the eff to do for my sons future or my sanity

You are 2 years younger than me.
My DH buys me massive bars of galaxy chocolate, he works, im a SAHM to our 2 dd's and its 'our' money.

You are being abused. You need to get out.

Just seen posts about your family and his general attitude towards you. Sorry they aren't supportive. I second Women's Aid.

Never fear. While you're in the bank tomorrow, they can sort out your online banking too. It takes very little time to open up an additional account, because they've already done all the anti-fraud stuff when they opened your original account.

You'll feel so much better once you've done this, and it will mean that your next pay check remains entirely within your control. You can pay your share of the bills and keep everything else.

..and yes, I did probably half the feeds (DW was formula feeding) at night and was working full time.
I suspect many partners do the same.

Sorry, but he sounds like a spineless stingy mummy boy wanker.

Good luck

You may have to write off the savings, unfortunately. But you can absolutely prevent him from siphoning off your income in the future.

he told me i cant do this we have a child and he will talk to me later

Told you that you can't do what exactly?

He can't tell you what you can and can't do anyway. Having a child makes no difference. He is not the boss of you.

You don't need his agreement to leave him, or change your bank account, or go away for a few days, or eat a chocolate bar, or anything else.

I think you might find it very, very useful to have a chat to women's aid because somewhere along the line you've started to believe that he is the boss of you. You are (and I am 100% certain of this) a capable woman who can make her own decisions, manage her own finances and generally run her own life. You just don't fully realise this yet.

You don't need his permission to do anything jadore. Don't tell him any of your plans, just put your money in your account and go and stay with your mum or sister, when you are away from him you will think more clearly. I had 35 years of a woman like this in my life, it won't get better you will only suffer more and more. Please don't stay with him, but also don't tell him any more. You and your baby should be his new family now and they are not. I'm afraid there is no hope for you as a family.

But he can't prevent you from doing anything. You are in charge of yourself. Sort the banking out -take all your id- and then go -you don't need his permission.

Having a child together is no reason to stay, he sounds awful. Go stay with family, if you can get a job near them then do so and save for your own life without him controlling your finances or time.

You're two years younger than me too, I don't have children but my fiancé and I share our finances and it's our money, neither of us get 'pocket money', that's not normal.

Are you alright?

Have you seen the 'Still haven't moved out threads?

Her story was pretty much identical to yours.

Except he slung her out of the home, pretty much, she's in a refuge now and awaiting a non-mol order.

Don't fuck about with this, get yourself, whatever money you can get, and get yourself to safety.

Be smart, get advice

Move back home ASAP.

can i ask, do any of your partners work and still help with night feeds? I have never had help with a single one, no exaggeration he has not fed our son during the night so i can rest once.

Of course he did. Even when exhausted..because actually you are tired too.

You need to leave this guy.. it isn't just his mother, he is an abusive twat. and your dd won't know anything different if you do it now. and your mil won't get your baby.. your dh isn't the primary care giver and isn't even around. That's why they will try and scare you..becasue it's all they have and know they won't stand a chance

You're being abused, OP . This isn't normal and is NOT the right way for a relationship to be. I'm sorry I cannot be of more assistance right now (am working) but the other ladies on here have some excellent advice.You are not an object that belongs to anybody, you're a person with value and needs-they're most definitely not being met. Please do something before it continues to get worse. hugs xxx

OP - one thing jumped out at me. Your MIL says she doesn't understand why you are not going back to work full-time - that is because when you do go back fulltime, she will manipulate you and your 'd'p into her looking after your dc. For gods sake, don't let her!

And i second all the advice on here - phone WA, go to CAB, get your own bank account and don't let anyone tell you what you want. You don't need anyone's permission to leave, or eat a bar of chocolate, or anything. You just do it. If you want to leave, that is enough.

'D'p can still be 'father' (although he doesn't seem to know what that entails) and not in a relationship with you. DO NOT MARRY HIM - he is abusive, emotionally and financially.

Ok so we had it out a little this morning after he got back at 2am from visiting friends in London, he told me I can't do what I'm doing and that I'm being cruel leaving, he said I need to wait until this evening to talk to him, even though I've wanted to talk for weeks and he's pushed me aside, so as he's getting in his car I look out of the window and his mom is getting in with him, she has drove to our house to go to work with my partner for some reason??? Her car is outside, I can imagine my name will be shit in that car this morning but now I am wondering if he plans to bring her in to talk to me this evening???

Sounds like OW in your marriage is your MIL. Is there anyone in rl who you can call on today to come over and be with you.

No unfortunately Cjel everyone is working or to far away but that has certainly put me off waiting to see what he has to say this evening, the probability that his mom will be following him through the door and talking through our problems with us, fuck them all

I think that just about sums it up, are they going to be able to move money or anything that you should be on top of? be carefulx

OP, sorry your family is not supporting you in getting away from this pair of manipulative wankers. Where is the child benefit going? Child tax credits? You need your own account, and to see CAB re. your tax rebate. Hope you get out today, remember that these people do not get to dictate what can and can't happen, they haven't got a leg to stand on with regard to you staying or with custody of ds: YOU are the primary carer and the authorities will support YOU. Please contact Womens Aid. Also call police on 101 if you're worried about their reaction today or stopping you leaving with ds. Hugs for you and

dear god, jadore, your partner is married to his mother not you.

Sorry, but you're second best, at a guess you will always be second best and so will your child.

He sounds dreadful. You are absolutely right to get out. Now.

Have a look at this thread Have-you-left-and-been-happier and then consider that most of the women on there were told by everyone else to stay - but that most of them are far far happier out of the relationship than in.

Please listen to everyone else here :s you won't be alone, you do have support here

You are being horribly bullied.

Please realise that you are entitled to do what is best for YOU. If you want out, you want out. You don't need his blessing (you will never get it anyway).

It doesn't matter what his mom and he think of you.
It doesn't matter if he says you're being cruel: his opinion of you is his opinion of you. You won't change it. You don't need to be swayed by it.

You don't have to listen to him and his mom rant at you this evening if you don't want to. Can you be out? At a friend's? Seems like he has no problem being out with friends till 2 am when you have a small child at home...

Start putting yourself first. Start planning your exit: line up a sole bank account, legal advice, good friends with sofa beds and a listening ear, and Women's Aid. There is plenty of support out there, you just need to reach out and ask for it. Mumsnet is an amazing emotional support, while you go through this, so keep posting.

This man and his mother are a pair of bullies, and between them they are going to destroy you. It's going to be the hardest thing you do, but you CAN do it. And you will be free, and so proud of yourself, once you are out the other side.

I'm still quivering with horror about the breast thing.

Of course you have every right to split with your child's father. Couples with children do split up, it's really quite common. He doesn't get to own you just because you were impregnated with his sacred sperm. As for your family, they don't live with him so why would their opinion be more valid than yours?

I would say be wary of the child residence thing, get everything nailed down in writing and preferably with legal backing at as early a stage as possible. Ensure your status as primary carer is a matter of record. MIL has no claim on your son on her own account but his father is a different matter, as he has parental responsibility and you know what he would do with that. For himself I'm sure he would be happy with occasional access visits as that's practically what happens already! But for his unhinged mother - who knows?

There could be a happy ending to this - DP may suddenly wake up to what he's lost, come round and turn into a proper partner - but I wouldn't hold your breath. Those apron strings are tight round his throat. He may never learn, or may suddenly wake up to it twenty years down the line when his third marriage is about to go the same way. Meanwhile you have to do what is best for yourself and DS.

If you are going to stay and have this conversation with him this evening, I think it would be beneficial for you to start writing down what you want to say to him. Make a list of what changes you want to see in order to consider this relationship worth continuing with. This way you are likely to keep your focus during the conversation and not get diverted by whatever he comes out with. And be aware that he will use every tactic in the book to get you back under his control...

1. No conversation regarding your relationship will take place with his mother present (non-negotiable)
2. He does not discuss your private conversations with his mother (non-negotiable)
3. You require full equal access to all finances including savings. He is not your father - he does not give you pocket money (non-negotiable)
4. You and DC take priority over extended family (non-negotiable). You need to work out what this actually entails (ie 5 hours is not enough, decide what you consider to be more reasonable and ask him how he intends to compromise)
5. You want to change your engagement ring as it no longer holds the same meaning to you (non-negotiable). If he complains, ask him if he really wants his fiancee to feel that way about her ring. If he says you are overreacting, then just state this is how I feel, my feelings are important.

See if you can think of any others. He sounds like a total wet lettuce to be honest. Mummy has got him exactly where she wants him and he will be too scared to risk her anger..much easier to gang up against you. You are fighting a dynamic that has been in place for years, it's not even about you at all, it's about his mother's need for control.

From your perspective, you need to start telling yourself and believing that you are worth so much more than this crappy treatment. You dont need anyone else to validate it for you, you know this isnt right for you, you know the relationship with his mother isnt healthy, and you know its not sustainable for the future.