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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please don't feel you need to respond I just need to get this out.

35 replies

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:16

I hate my ex. I hate being around him. I really totally utterly hate his fucking guts and it kills me to have to be around him.

Our child has a hospital appointment today. He got the phone call to say the appointment was happening and sent me a text to say "I will take her"

He has a history, in my opinion, of being controlling and trying to minimise me as a parent. So I replied with "don't I have the right to go to"

And all hell has broken loose.

We share parenting. I know custody isn't the right word but my brain won't find the right one right now. She was there last night but today is my day as it were and I should have responsibility today.

He has told me I have his permission to attend the appointment today.

I don't need his permission. I will be there by hook or by crook.

He has a car and is taking our child. I have to get there by bus. He stood on my door step and yelled at me. He yelled at me on the phone.

It is all me. I am always wrong. Why am I wrong to want to be there for my child? I said I had questions I wanted to ask the doctors and he said I could write them down then he would ask them for me. But I don't know what all the questions are until I hear the doctors.

OP posts:

Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:20

He won't let me arrive with her or leave with her. We don't have an actual set days arrangement because I was so stupid and wanted to keep it all nice for the kids and that means I can't make him give her back.

If you recognise me please don't out me I have name changed for this.

I want to be there. I want to find out what is wrong with her and he doesn't want me to be there. He says I take everything all the wrong way and I twist things. That's what he screamed at me yesterday.

But I always ask him do you want to come does it suit is it ok if and he never does. He just announces and dictates what is going to happen.

I cannot do this with him any linger.

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Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:23

He is emotionally cold and disconnected. I don't think he knows how to do social interaction. He can't behave in a caring way. He does enough that SS wouldn't be interested but he can't emotionally care. If he tells a joke it's an off joke. I can't explain it.

I have to find a better different way to do this because this isn't working. For me. Even if I am twisted and a horrible person this isn't working for me

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3mum · 11/12/2013 07:25

I get some of this too. We have set days but my ex is always trying to wriggle round them by booking theatre and cinema trips on days when the children are supposed to be with me and by booking his sister and her children to come on weekends which are my weekends with the children (they love their cousins).

I think it's a deliberate ploy to be controlling and irritating and i think the only way out is to have set days and stick to them. In the future I'll be saying no to anything which is organised for a day which is not his. I'm afraid I think leaving things to goodwill doesn't work when only one person shows goodwill.

notarealgrownup · 11/12/2013 07:25

He is still controlling you and being a complete twat.
I would tell him that unless he starts treating you with a lot more respect then you will look into making the co parenting arrangement formal and get some legal advice.

MissAnnersley · 11/12/2013 07:26

My reply to the I will take her text would have either been, great I'll see you there or I would just have turned up.

I've been where you are and I really do sympathise. To be honest in these situations the best thing is to communicate as little as you can.

For years I slaved away being reasonable and essentially being controlled by my ex. It took huge energy and effort to break those habits but I have now and we rarely communicate.

Of course you are not wrong to go to the hospital! You know that so go ahead and do the right thing for your child. I know it's not easy though. Hope it goes okay.

Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:26

He's not emotionally cold when he's souring and angry at me. Then he's capable of emotion but it's anger. Only ever wnger. I thought it would stop when we split but it hasn't. Every chance he gets because of the kids he is controlling me. Angry. I can't any more it has to stop how can I make him stop

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Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:28

That was supposed to say shouting. Not souring.

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Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:28

And thank you. I just feel so broken. I cannot keep doing this.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 07:32

The first thing that strikes me is ... why did the hospital call him rather than you? If you're the resident parent (I'm assuming you are) then you should be the first point of contact for all important things like hospitals, schools, doctors etc. Was the shared parenting agreed legally/formally or is it something that has just evolved or that you've been pressured into?

Finally, if anyone stands on your doorstep and yells at you.... anyone ... just call the police and have them removed. Verbal abuse is not acceptable.

headlesslambrini · 11/12/2013 07:33

legal advice and formalise the arrangements.

mamas12 · 11/12/2013 07:36

Well done for getting this far
Obviously you have to be at the appointment and when you are there do not look him in the eye
Address all your questions to the doctors as a reasonable person would of course and look after your dc
You really need to disengage from him stop talking to him and just email or text
Stop going to the door try and get someone else to do that
Be strong for your dc and stop giving him headspace

Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:37

Cognition there isn't a resident parent. We do strict 50/50 and he aggressively promotes his rights to be an equal parent.

We have a shared care arrangement. Sorry. I thought I'd put that already. It's the worst thing I ever did. I should never ever have agreed to it but he wanted it and the mediator said it was a good thing for the kids and I wanted to encourage and keep their relationship with hi but it was and is the worst of worst ideas ever.

The hospital have both our numbers. I do not know why they phoned him first.

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Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:38

The shared care equal 50/50 is the care arrangement that is formalised. That's what is written in the judgement of divorce.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 07:38

One of you must be the resident parent. Who gets the Child Benefit or tax credits, for example?

Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:44

Cognition. I don't want to argue but I could show you my judgement of divorce if I get a chance to scan it in. Neither of us is a resident parent.

Or rather both of us are.

It causes all sorts of minor issues in other areas but neither of us is a resident parent as such.

I get child benefit, but that doesn't mean anything given the terms of our judgement of divorce.

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notarealgrownup · 11/12/2013 07:44

So you both have equal parental responsibilities. That does not give him the right to abuse you.
Keep all contact with him at the absolute minimum and don't allow him to alter the terms if the arrangement.
Surely it's possible to review these things legally if they are not working or is it too late now?

Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:46

I could get it reviewed legally but that would be extortionately expensive and I just need to find a way to get through today first

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CarryOnDancing · 11/12/2013 07:48

I don't know your back story but from your post it does sound like you have been so ground down that you are letting him behave that way.
By replying "don't I have a right to be there" you are opening communication on an issue that doesn't need discussing. It sounds antagonistic and he might see it as you being self involved. Of course you have a right to be there and by opening up the question you are letting him think he has control over the answer.
As a pp said, I'd have replied "ok great, I'll meet you there at x and then I can take her with me as planned. Let's hope everything is ok"

You can keep communication open but you need to stake your claim on the fact you are 50% of your DC's life. Try talking matter of fact and with conviction-only ever talking as a parent and not about your feelings. It sounds like you ex only needs to hear facts and not feelings as then he has less to twist and control.

Good luck, it really sounds awful. Just remember, your relationship with your ex has changed-you need to make your claim on the new situation. I also agree that you need something formal in place or he will drive you insane!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/12/2013 07:49

BTW... did the mediator know that he was an abusive bully? I suspect not. And how old are the DCs? Babies or school age? Is 50/50 actually working for their schedule? I think you're going to have to box clever here rather than getting stressed and that means a few things

Cut all contact except what is absolutely necessary. No phone-calls or texts. E-mail only so that you can.....
.... keep a record of all communications. i.e. You need to start building a case against him in order to challenge for resident parent.
Instant involvement of the police DV unit if he is 'shouting on you doorstep' or similar aggressive behaviour
Adhere strictly to the contact schedule with no flexibility for any reason. Even if this is at an inconvenience to yourself.

I'd also consider some longer-term measures e.g moving to a different town. Not hundreds of miles away but just far enough that it makes it difficult for him to organise mid-week residence when children need to be at school.

Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:52

I can't move. Kids are in school I can't move them.

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mammadiggingdeep · 11/12/2013 07:55

Everything that cog said. Totally agree.

Op, keep posting here. You do sound ground down and when you feel like that you can't see the wood for the trees.

Original poster

Noflamingoshere · 11/12/2013 07:56

He isn't an abusive bully it's me I am too sensitive to the stuff he says and I take it all the wrong way.

And sometimes I even think that might be true.

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mammadiggingdeep · 11/12/2013 07:56

Next time he shouts at you, call the police. Start getting it on record that he is abusive. Then you'll have evidence when you want to change the terms of the arrangement. He's bullying you.

mammadiggingdeep · 11/12/2013 07:57

He is a bully and he's done a number on it so that you think it's you! Are you 'sensitive' with other people in your life or just him??

KingRollo · 11/12/2013 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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