An update to a wedding dilemma - now it's open warfare! Sorry, it's long!

[ponygirl]

I started this thread in March (here ) to discuss the brother's failure to invite my dh to his wedding.

Well, in the end I decided to go to the wedding. I hadn't said anything to my db about how upset and hurt we were at my dh's exclusion because it felt so difficult to say anything and the longer I left it, the harder it became. So, I went to the wedding and was genuinely very happy for them and it was a lovely day.

When it came to deciding about the party, my dh felt that he wasn't able to go. He asked me not to go too, and although I was disappointed to miss a family occasion, it was important to me that I support my dh over this. I also felt that it was important to tell my db and his wife why we had made the decision that we had. I discussed this with my mother and she agreed. So, a couple of weeks ago, I wrote to my brother congratulating them on a beautiful day and telling them how happy I was for them. I then said that Ian had been hurt and disappointed not to be invited and we consequently didn't feel comfortable attending the party. That was all. (One of my attempts to keep things pleasant was that I wrote my letter by hand, so I don't actually have a copy.) This is the text of the letter I received last Friday:

"What can I say.

[SIL] and I are very hurt and offended by your letter and [your dh's] actions. Now that you have put the issues in writing it has taken things up to another level. I only knew of the problem because [SIL] sensed it during the wedding reception, when it was too late to do anything about it.
We spent weeks planning our wedding. We wanted to be fair to everyone. Everyone, including you said that we should do what WE wanted. We canvassed opinions from all our families, you included, on what we proposed to do to celebrate it. I told you over the phone that if you had any 'issues' you were to put them to me in advance and we would consider them. You didn't.
The fairest way to resolve the various dilemmas in a sensible and practical way was to invite our sisters, but noth their families, our parents, and our closest friends to the wedding and reception and to hold two separate parties in XXX and XXX for our relatives and friends there. This would save us the enormous expense of holding one event in XXX for all and our guests the enormous expense of holding one event in XXX for all and our guests the cost of travel and accommodation that would be incurred. Neither XXX or XXX [SIL's sisters], OR their husbands for that matter, had any trouble with this and they were more than happy to come to the event in XXX.
between the wedding and the two parties we have invited over 120 people. Your husband is the ONLY person to have said that he weill not be coming because he wasn't invited to the wedding. He has put himself and you out on a limb. If he's got a problem then too bad. We couldn't care less that he's hurt and disappointed. Once we decided on our plans back in April that was that. We never wish to see [your DH] again. We will not tolerate another example of his petulant behaviour, this time at our expense. This WHOLE ridiculous situation is of his own making and we want nothing to do with it. Sadly, we feel that it is you and your children who will suffer as a consequence as they will be missing out on a great family occasion, which will include [members of my/our family]. We WILL have a fantastic time anyway.
The saddest post-script to this is that you want us to lie, on his behalf, as to why you cannot attend the party. We think this dishonest is pathetic, he doesn't want to come but you haven't the guts to tell the truth to anyone else. It is cowardly.
I say these things with a very heavy heart. We love you. If you need us then we will always be here, you are not alone, just call. Where things go from here I don't know but we only arrived here thanks to [your DH].
Lots of love XXX and XXX

1. Paragraph 2 is complete lies.
2. Paragraph 4 is completely offensive (I think?!).
3. Paragraph 5 is also a lie. I said I would tell my family that we just couldn't make it because my mother told me that they were concerned what they should say.
4. The final paragraph I find just sick.

Anyway, I've canvassed a few friends opinions, but more perspective can only be good. What do you think? Incidentally, their argument in the second para I could have coped with. It's the way they've done it that shocks me...

Thanks you so much if you've made it all the way through.

I have drafted a reply. This is it:

I was horrified and devastated to receive your recent letter. I could never have imagined that such things would be said to me by people who claim to love me. The hatred that seeps from every line is utterly shocking.

I am writing now to clarify a few points that you raise in your letter. I should probably telephone but I would like to be heard without interruption and so that what I say will not be misremembered in the heat of the moment. You have both expressed your thoughts and feelings clearly and now it is my turn to do the same.

In the first place, aside from vague conversations about what you may do for your wedding, I was party to no consultation. The first I knew that [my DH] would not be invited was when you rang me to tell me what had been decided.

Secondly, you did not give me an opportunity to raise issues. You were extremely definite that you would only do what you wanted and invite who you wanted to be there. Clearly, this is where my error lies. I should have expressed my shock, but I did not feel able to, and the more time that passed, the harder it became to say anything. When it came to the matter of your party, I understood entirely why Ian felt the way that he did. It was a joint decision that we would not attend. However, it was important to me that I be honest with you and explain the reasons behind the decision. I tried to do this in the mildest possible way.

[My DH] was upset at not being invited to your wedding because he believed that we were part of a family. As such, he was genuinely thrilled, as I was, when you announced that you were to get married. He simply wanted to share the celebration of such a significant moment. Imagine how you would have felt if we had excluded [my SIL] from our wedding. But such an act would never have occurred to us. We have always included you, as we did at my birthday party at [somewhere really nice and expensive!], and for our consideration not to be reciprocated in this way was deeply upsetting. I felt that I was being asked to respect your marriage while you showed deep disrespect to mine. I can only conclude that there is a history of dislike on your part directed towards us, of which we were completely unaware.

Obviously, it is your prerogative to see or not see people as you choose. I, however, will not be staying away from family gatherings to save your embarrassment. I have neither said, done nor written anything of which I am ashamed or which I would not share with any member of our family.

Finally, there has clearly been a misunderstanding with regard to what we say to family members. My understanding from Mum was that you were concerned at what to say. Any evasion from me was, ironically, to protect you. You can be sure that this is no longer the case and that I have already taken steps to clarify with our family my reasons for not attending.

Good on you, ponygirl - it seems you have been the grown up in this situation. I'm amazed that your dh wasn't invited. I know that budgets can restrict the number of guests but it would never even occur to me not to invite a b-i-l!!

oh dear. Could your mum not intercede and explain both sides rationally to you both? Your reply is going to aggravate rather than placate imo, as his did.

Was he the only in-law not invited? I think it is, like you say, undermining your relationship with your dh. How odd not to invite him, particularly if you were not sure why. I think you have worded the letter well, it might all kick off though unfortunately. If my dh wasn't invited to my db wedding I wouldn't have gone, it seems so unfair to keep him out of the day.

looks like it was all the i-ls from the OP. Its tricky if you are the only ones complaining - what do the other i-ls think?

I agree with meowmix about potentially aggravating the situation but I can't imagine what else you could do. I am deeply shocked that a wedding was planned and your HUSBAND was not invited...ok maybe if it was a recent boyfriend but a husband? It's a given that family members get invited then, depending on your budget, you prioritise other people in order of closeness and importance? I am always hesitant to post on threads such as these but I feel so much sympathy for you. What a horrible horrible situation.

That reply is only going to make things worse.

For a start, I'd remove the whole bit from "But such an act would never have occurred to us...." to "I can only conclude that there is a history of dislike on your part directed towards us, of which we were completely unaware. " In fact, I'd remove any accusations and leave it at how hurt you are.

Once you start exchanging "you said this, you did that" comments back and forth it only detoriorates.

Thanks for your replies. I know that I'm aggravating the situation a bit, but I thought on the hole I was being quite restrained .

I drafted the letter yesterday and plan to send it tomorrow. I wanted a couple of days to cool down and read it again. And canvass some opinion (that's why I'm here...). I do feel that I need to address the inacuracies in their letter and express how hurt I am.

My mother is really upset that could write such things to me, but she doesn't want to get into a row with them herself. She's annoyed because she's been party to all my thoughts about it and knows that they have misrepresented what happened.

Will give more thought. Keep the comments coming, it does help. Thank you.

Do I have this right? They only invited blood relatives to their actually wedding? So no inlaws at all were invited?
If that was the case I am sorry to say that, tacky a way it is to save money at a wedding, it was not exactly unfair for your dh not to be invited.
Now I am not defending them, they should have just scaled down the event to be able to afford their whole family. But as they diddn't and as none of the rest of the inlaws are complaining about it I would actually just let it go.
Soupdragon is right don't get into a slanging match, just say you are hurt that they have felt that way. Life is too short to lose a sibling to an argument.

The thing is, SD, the whole tone of their letter sounds like there's been some long-held bad feeling which we have genuinely had no idea about. That thought is really upsetting.

The lies and the hate and spite alternately make my blood boil and make me weep.

Carmenere, I could cope with a debate about the rights and wrongs of the whole wedding invitation saga. I felt it was important that they knew how we felt, and I said it in as mild and gentle way as possible. It's the way they have chosen to repond that I have an issue with, not necessarily their reasons. I thought we'd discuss it to clear the air and then move on. That doesn't seem possible now.

Oh, I know. But is it worth it? Yes, writing your letter will make you feel better but it won't actually solve anything. From the looks of your brother's letter, they've already made that mistake - the "correct" response from them would have been "we're terribly sorry you feel this way... thought we'd explained it... your decision not to come to party... hope you'll change your mind..." blah de blah.

Let them know how you feel, ask how a similar situation would have made them feel but leave the recriminations in your draft. Writing 2 letters is good - vent your full feelings in one and then write one that you'll actually send.

The thing is Pony, they have written that response in a very defensive manner and they have done a frankly silly 'we don't want to see you again' strop. They are obviously suffering from massive bride-itis.

The grown-up and sophisticated way for you to handle this is for you and dh to go to the party and wish them well for the rest of their lives (they are going to need it). Yes they have been offensive but it was generally offensive and not pointedly (as it is now).
A magnaminous gesture of peace from you would allow you to win this battle. So what if they think they have won? Let them but don't lose your brother over this, it's only a party.

Good post carmenere

Hmm, I agree that going to the party would be the sensible adult thing to do. But now that things have got to this stage, wouldn't them going to the party just bring on more stress?

Life is too short, and families too important, to have this sort of fight, imo.

Overall I agree with Carmenere, and I would not have refused to go to the party in the first place. I also, as an outside objective observer, don't see the long-held bad feeling in their letter that you do.

But if you are going to send the letter then I would suggest a few rewrites. As you have it written you are getting the same slightly petulent emotional tone that they have coming across in their letter, and I don't think that's going to help anything.

I'd suggest something closer to:

I was horrified and devastated to receive your recent letter. I am writing now to clarify a few points that you raised. I should probably telephone but I would like to be heard without interruption and so that what I say will not be misremembered in the heat of the moment.

We did have vague conversations about what you might do for your wedding, but the first I knew that [DH] would not be invited was when you rang me to tell me what had been decided. I do not remember your giving me a specific opportunity to raise issues, although I appreciate that your recollection is different. With the benefit of hindsight you are right that I should have expressed my feelings at the time, but I did not feel able to, and the more time that passed, the harder it became to say anything.

When it came to the matter of your party, I understood entirely why [DH] felt the way that he did. It was a joint decision that we would not attend. However, it was important to me that I be honest with you and explain the reasons behind the decision.

[DH] was upset at not being invited to your wedding because he thought of us all as one family. He was genuinely thrilled, as was I, when you announced that you were to get married and had looked forward to sharing the celebration of such a significant moment. We both felt at the time (although I appreciate now that this was not your intention) that he was not being treated as a family member, in the same way that we would treat, and have treated, [SIL] for example.

There has clearly been a misunderstanding with regard to what we say to family members. My understanding from Mum was that it was you who were concerned at what to say. I am glad that that is not the case and will clarify with our family my reasons for not attending.

I am very sorry that our actions have caused you hurt. We did not wish to do that at what should be a happy time for you.

Ignore the bit about their never wanting to see your DH again. The more that's pushed, the more entrenched it becomes and the harder it is for them to back down.

weddings are very tricky. I wouldn't bother writing back, because it's going to turn into a who's-hurt-the-most & that's getting silly.

I expect the other in-laws were surprised, but just got on with it (all taking behind everyones back).

I also feel that if you felt that strongly about your DH not being invited, you should have declined the wedding invite.

A few years ago, I was invited to a friends wedding. Other friends (x 2 ) had their DP's invited ( they were co-habiting) - the decision was based on that to keep numbers down ( by one?!) Anyway, I went & DP came to the evening do. I had a bit of a face on in the evening . Friend said she was really sorry ( about 3 years later & I said, yes, XX (now DH) was disappointed & then changed the subject.

I realise it's different & difficult with families, but i think in this case, you've just got to get over it & move on.

BTW I found out the other day my dad didn't invite HIS girlfriend to my wedding & I didn't even know he had one !

sorry, is the party soon ?

Well go with hubby, make him get over it - have a fab time, drink as much drink as possible & everyone's leftovers & buy them a half price present

Ooo that's the naughty side of me coming out !

What a strange wedding though, never, ever heard of sister of the groom's hubby not being invited. The word tight-wad springs to mind. What a weird reply to your letter!

Oh god .. please don't send that

you really need to rise above this

If I were to write back I would write something like

Dear xx and yyy

We are family and we love you.

When you have had time to reflect on this properly we will be at the end of the phone.

We wish you the best for the future.

ponygirl and ian

I think LeahE has edited your letter really well, if you are going to write I'd go with that or very similar to that - it shows up your brother's letter as that of the silly self centred person and this one sounds sensible and grown up.

oh, and as soon as you can, renew your vows and don't invite your brothers wife

Agree with Twig.

What they have written is ridiculous and a complete overreaction but they seem to have contracted a bad case of groomzilla and bridezilla - you need to be the grown ups here.

Agree with SD and carmenere and Leah's letter is also good.

Have to say, having read their letter to you, im not seeing what you are seeing. I think you should try to be bigger than this as someone already said. I dont think its as personal as you two are thinking it is.

I agree too that despite feeling hurt as you both are now, for the sake of future family relations you should rise above this as best you can. Your brother and SIL's future children will be your children's cousins etc. Think you should try to pacify the situation (altough I feel hurt on your behalf about the initial decision not to invite your dh and others as in my mind too spouses are part of the family) and LeahE's diluted edition of your letter is much kinder and shows understanding and sort of offers out an olive branch. It is clear that you are (or were) close to your brother and are genuinely happy for both him and your SIL.

I would do my best to resolve this now while you still can and persuade dh to swallow his pride (and hurt if he can) and attend the party and somehow agree to disagree about the whys and wherefores of who was invited and who wasn't to the reception and move on from this.

I also can't see any underlying previous issues in your brother's letter, so I think, if at all possible be as diplomatic as you can, ignore the 'I never want to see [your dh] again' thing that your brother probably scribed in the heat of his moment and try to move things forward for a settled future relationship between yourselves and your brother and SIL.