An update to a wedding dilemma - now it's open warfare! Sorry, it's long!

[ponygirl]

I started this thread in March (here ) to discuss the brother's failure to invite my dh to his wedding.

Well, in the end I decided to go to the wedding. I hadn't said anything to my db about how upset and hurt we were at my dh's exclusion because it felt so difficult to say anything and the longer I left it, the harder it became. So, I went to the wedding and was genuinely very happy for them and it was a lovely day.

When it came to deciding about the party, my dh felt that he wasn't able to go. He asked me not to go too, and although I was disappointed to miss a family occasion, it was important to me that I support my dh over this. I also felt that it was important to tell my db and his wife why we had made the decision that we had. I discussed this with my mother and she agreed. So, a couple of weeks ago, I wrote to my brother congratulating them on a beautiful day and telling them how happy I was for them. I then said that Ian had been hurt and disappointed not to be invited and we consequently didn't feel comfortable attending the party. That was all. (One of my attempts to keep things pleasant was that I wrote my letter by hand, so I don't actually have a copy.) This is the text of the letter I received last Friday:

"What can I say.

[SIL] and I are very hurt and offended by your letter and [your dh's] actions. Now that you have put the issues in writing it has taken things up to another level. I only knew of the problem because [SIL] sensed it during the wedding reception, when it was too late to do anything about it.
We spent weeks planning our wedding. We wanted to be fair to everyone. Everyone, including you said that we should do what WE wanted. We canvassed opinions from all our families, you included, on what we proposed to do to celebrate it. I told you over the phone that if you had any 'issues' you were to put them to me in advance and we would consider them. You didn't.
The fairest way to resolve the various dilemmas in a sensible and practical way was to invite our sisters, but noth their families, our parents, and our closest friends to the wedding and reception and to hold two separate parties in XXX and XXX for our relatives and friends there. This would save us the enormous expense of holding one event in XXX for all and our guests the enormous expense of holding one event in XXX for all and our guests the cost of travel and accommodation that would be incurred. Neither XXX or XXX [SIL's sisters], OR their husbands for that matter, had any trouble with this and they were more than happy to come to the event in XXX.
between the wedding and the two parties we have invited over 120 people. Your husband is the ONLY person to have said that he weill not be coming because he wasn't invited to the wedding. He has put himself and you out on a limb. If he's got a problem then too bad. We couldn't care less that he's hurt and disappointed. Once we decided on our plans back in April that was that. We never wish to see [your DH] again. We will not tolerate another example of his petulant behaviour, this time at our expense. This WHOLE ridiculous situation is of his own making and we want nothing to do with it. Sadly, we feel that it is you and your children who will suffer as a consequence as they will be missing out on a great family occasion, which will include [members of my/our family]. We WILL have a fantastic time anyway.
The saddest post-script to this is that you want us to lie, on his behalf, as to why you cannot attend the party. We think this dishonest is pathetic, he doesn't want to come but you haven't the guts to tell the truth to anyone else. It is cowardly.
I say these things with a very heavy heart. We love you. If you need us then we will always be here, you are not alone, just call. Where things go from here I don't know but we only arrived here thanks to [your DH].
Lots of love XXX and XXX

1. Paragraph 2 is complete lies.
2. Paragraph 4 is completely offensive (I think?!).
3. Paragraph 5 is also a lie. I said I would tell my family that we just couldn't make it because my mother told me that they were concerned what they should say.
4. The final paragraph I find just sick.

Anyway, I've canvassed a few friends opinions, but more perspective can only be good. What do you think? Incidentally, their argument in the second para I could have coped with. It's the way they've done it that shocks me...

Thanks you so much if you've made it all the way through.

I don't really see the problem if all in laws weren't invited. It would be different if it was just him that wasn't invited.

I think the problem with weddings now is that people expect to be invited & parents etc expect you to invite everyone and their dog along.

Several good friends have got married and only invited us to the evening do, which doesn't bother me or OH. It is their wedding and it's up to them who they invite. They do seem to be trying their best to accomodate people by having 2 receptions in convenient locations & inviting people to these.

Sorry I haven't been back - have been out drinking with friends!

Thank you for all your comments, they are really helpful. I am going to mull over it, over night and decide tomorrow. Thanks again for taking the time to think about it and respond.

HMM, only read the first two posts so apologies if this has progressed already.

i think both you and yuor Dh were right to be a bit miffed at him not being invited. if numbers were VERY tight i cold understand not inviting him to the ceremony and then comeing along to teh evening party..but ot n9ot be invited at all is plain offensive.

i think your brothers letter was pretty imature and he is clearly written it whilst angry. i think your letter will only aggrevate the situation but i dont think its out of order....i just dont think your brother is in any mood to listen to your side of things.

Not inviting in laws to their wedding is unusual but so what? It's their call. Your dh should not have taken it as a personal rejection.To feel upset(for a bit) is understandable, but hurt?

Why? No matter how queer you think their wedding arrangements were it is their day to do whatever the hell they want.

If they had only wanted to invite bald octegenarian Welsh amputees called Gwynneth and hold the ceremony on top of mount Snowdon in the nude IT's THEIR CALL.

I am one of four. I dearly love my two bils and my sil but the idea some sort of a do with just my siblings and parents sounds wonderful.And cheap.

Isn't the whole point of having a party later so that they CAN invite a much wider group, including all the in laws?

I think it was incredibly rude of you to reply to the party invitation by saying your dh was hurt and dissappointed not to be invited to the main show and as a result you "didn't feel comfortable" attending the party.

There is NO way of communicating this that sounds polite or kind. It is just palin small minded, and , yes, petulant.

Get over yourselves! This is not about you and your dh.

Now... your brother's reply . He takes over- reaction to an art form and makes your behaviour look like the height of De Brett's social etiquette.. "we never wish to see your dh again" . What planet is he on? Is he a shift worker who spends too much time watching Trisha and Jeremy Kyle?
Have you ever noticed that some couples view getting married as sort of being like the king and queen for the day? And then for the next few months while they bore all their friends witless with photos and videos of their " BIG DAY"?

I think your brother's wedding has gone to his head.
I can only assume he wrote it in haste after getting your letter.

Apart from all this do you and your brother actually LIKE each other?

If I was your mother I would get the two of you together and clonk your heads together then make you hug and make up!

Families are too important to allow stuff like this to fester.

I have just read my post and it comes across as a bit harsh.
Sorry . This was not my intention.
Hope you can make things up with your brother.

Agree with Carmenere

the benefit of my kind of letter (whilst you're mulling it over) is that

on the one hand its direct and to the point .. can't be misinterpreted easily

on the other hand you could send it with a supercilious feeling of 'god you're so immature, and we're so mature and it won't be down to us that there's a family rift'

also .. it'll make them feel like right numpties when they got over their wedding-zilla phase

I agree with Twiglett. There is no point arguing the toss on this one. Twiglett's very brief letter shows them that you are mature & loving despite their behaviour.
Please don't send your letter. It is eloquent & well written - but it will not improve family relations or score you any points in this particular battle.
Big hugs to you though - not a good situation to be in.

I'd tear up his letter and would not send anything.

TBH I would think your mum is agreeing and sympathising with both sides, and hoping to God the row simmers down.

I prefer Twiglett's letter. Short, to the point, no room for misinterpretation.

In not so different circumstances my mum got into a letter-slanging-match with her brother and it all got v nasty, letters returned unopened, letters being sent with disguised handwriting so they'd be opened inadvertently (!) and in retrospect I wish I had advised dm to leave it and rise above it too. She's still festering about and they don't speak so nothing was gained.

I would just say - I regret the tone of your letter - I hope we can all treat this as water under the bridge. We were upset that Dh was not invited to the wedding, although we respect that was your decision - which is why I did come to it. However, we would feel unconfortable coming to your party. We hope very much you have a great party.

There have obviously been miscommunications over this - which is sad - but there is no real reason not to remain civil to each other.

That way you stay adult and don't resort to squabbling, feelings are not ruffled further, and things you might regret later will not be said.

Try this.
Ask yourself what you want to achieve by this time next year (or in 5 years time).
a) a civil family relationship where you can attend family gatherings with dh and db together being polite to each other and you?
B) a divided family where you and db are no longer in contact and dh cannot attend any future family event?

if the answer is b then fairplay, say what you need and live with the consequences

if the answer is a then talk to your dh and explain thaht although you understand his hurt it was obviously not meant intentionally by db and that you need to both swallow your pride and go to the party with big smiles on your faces.

There is no right or wrong answer. Many people on MN have cut family ties for very understandable reasons and are better for it, but being miffed over a wedding invitation doesn't seem enough for what could be a permanent rift.

Buy a new frock, go to the party with your dh and have a bloody good time