How do I convince DH that this is not acceptable?

[Summer96]

DH is abusive to me... Not physically but verbally. He has episodes where he will scream shout and throw things, threaten to break things in the house and will scare the DC. He thinks it's his temper and blame me for setting it off Don't want to leave and worried about external agencies contacting social services if I get in touch

Please ring women's aid and get to a refuge.

You and the dc can't and shouldn't live like this.

You can't change him.

What Fairylea says.

You won't get into trouble with Social Services for asking for help.

Why don't you want to leave?

it's really scary when you think about leaving, but NO MATTER what he says, Social Care WILL NOT take your children from you if you engage with them and work together to improve your family situation (if they get involved... which they may not even do).

They can't - it's illegal.

Why don't you want to leave? This is an intolerable way to live, for both you and your children.

He is being physically abusive if he's throwing things. He sounds horrible.

Social Services are only ever interested if the mother refuses to remove her children from an abusive situation. Not because she is removing them.

That might be worth considering in your situation.

You can't convince him it's unacceptable, because only he can change himself.

This is abuse. When he throws things, what he is demonstrating is that it could be you he throws next.

You don't have to live like this, there are options for you and your children to live in a safe home, free of the threat of violence

phone women's aid for advice or just to talk. You don't have to do anything right now if you are not ready, but you do need to start gathering your strength.

His violence is not your fault. I bet he is able to hold his temper in front of work colleagues, why should he treat you worse than them, when you are the person he professes to love?

It's hard to leave and scary.
I know, I did it 15 years ago on my own.
The freedom I felt was amazing.
I could live without fear.
I had a 6 year old boy at the time.
He had seen too much.
Leave for the sake of your little ones.
No child should have to see his mother being abused.
Good luck.

By not considering leaving you are ignoring the fact that your children will be harmed by you staying. The longer this situation goes on, the greater the harm they will experience, the bigger risk of long term damage to their mental health, their happiness and future relationships. There is also more and more chance that an external agency will find out anyway (kids talk, schools are very aware of abuse at home) and at some point social services are very likely to get involved. As the children are currently at risk of harm it's a good thing that social services will be involved because the children need to be protected and you need support to facilitate that.
As far as getting your husband to see he's abusive, that won't happen. If you have the money and means to do it secretly buy and read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Call women's aid and tell them what is going on. It's confidential and free. They will support you.
Above all, please try to accept two things - he will not change, and your children are being harmed.

The hardest step to leave is making the first step to leave but really there is no other option here. He acts like this because he wants to and can do so. Does he treat his colleagues or people in the street like this; no but you're his ideal punchbag to use and abuse as he sees fit. Such types are inadequate and actually hate women, all of them. My guess too is that he saw such violence as a child so this is learnt and deeply rooted within him. He won't stop this and he will not change. You need to accept that fact.

Verbal abuse is highly damaging to you and all who hear it; do not forget as well that sound travels. Your children likely hear far more than you realise as well.

Social Services as another respondent stated, would only be interested if you were failing to protect your children from their father's abuse of their mother. They certainly would not act if you were to actively remove your children and yourself from this situation.

You are all being harmed currently by this man, they are learning about relationships from the two of you.

Please talk to Womens Aid and make firm plans to leave.

If someone has reached adulthood and doesn't understand something as basic as how to behave decently & calmly with others, especially children & partners, then they have a serious behavioural problem and no moral compass. If they prefer to blame everyone else for this behavioural problem they also have no sense of responsibility and no intention of changing.

If you don't want SS involved in your life negatively, don't waste your breath trying to convince a bad man to be a good man. It is better to take the initiative and get yourself and your children safe. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are a very good resource. Good luck

Of course it's his temper ... his temper. Nothing to do with you whatsoever. Abusers always blame everyone else.

You must get your dc away from this.

It's not him you need to convince, it's you. You can't change another person's mind, but you can decide what is and is not acceptable for you.

If it's not acceptable to you, then your only option is to remove yourself from the marriage. He isn't about to change.

Why us it unacceptable?
To whom?

To you and the children, right?

So, why do you accept it and keep taking it?

There is only one way to show people that you don't accept their behaviour. Sorry.

Thank you for all your support guys... I guess you are right and he will never change... I need to decide how to move on.. The problem is my family is in Europe and I don't have a lot of support here... Also the kids are still young and they absolutely adore him (he's quite a good dad apart from these episodes) I don't really feel physically threatened by him and can't understand how an intelligent man like him doesn't see the damage he's doing to his life and his kids life... I just wish there was some way of getting through to him but if I try we just end up talking about how I said or did something which pushed him over the edge (he does admit the violence is wrong... Says he'll try and not do it again but I've been hearing this for 5 years)

whilst he is shouting - are you shouting too? shouting for him to stop shouting?

You can't keep allowing this to happen in front of your DC's OP. Phone WA today.

Kids will love even an abusive dad, even whilst they're frightened of him. How confusing must that be for them? He's not a good dad and they won't be able to feel safe and secure at all in their own home because they'll always be waiting for the next explosion.

Children always 'adore' their abusive dads. It's a combination of fear, placating and confused love. They are extra sweet to the scary parent to try to keep him sweet and deflect anger away from themselves. They may believe that if they are 'good' enough daddy won't get angry with mummy. To an observer this can look like adoration but think for a moment what motivates this behaviour.

"Also the kids are still young and they absolutely adore him (he's quite a good dad apart from these episodes) I don't really feel physically threatened by him and can't understand how an intelligent man like him doesn't see the damage he's doing to his life and his kids life... I just wish there was some way of getting through to him but if I try we just end up talking about how I said or did something which pushed him over the edge (he does admit the violence is wrong... Says he'll try and not do it again but I've been hearing this for 5 years)"

You've already had 5 years of this, how much longer will you take this abuse from him?. Its likely got worse over time as well hasn't it. Enough is enough frankly and you and your children really do need to walk away from this now. WOmens Aid can and will help you get out but YOU need to pick that phone up and call them; we cannot do that for you. The hardest steps to take are the ones you need to make to get out but you must do it for their sake as well as yours.

Children will love any parent no matter how abusive they are and he is clearly not a good dad to them because they see him verbally abuse their mum. They could well go onto emulate this behaviour around you. Women in abusive situations as well often write the "good dad" comment because they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case again here.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, surely not this dysfunctional and poor model of one?. Do you want your children growing up thinking that all men actually shout all the time whilst women cower in fear?.

There is NO way of getting through to him, he is also abdicating all responsibility for his actions by blaming you for his actions. This is what abusive types like this man do, he is following a script here and the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. You did not drive him to do this to you, he chose to do this to you. He does this as well because he can (you are still there) and he would have been the same regardless of whom he married.

0808 2000 247 is WA's phone number.

The people you need to convince about this are your children, who don't know that this isn't normal. What if they go to school and ask their friends why their dads don't shout at mummy?

Please get them out of there.

Also it's much easier for children to adjust to a split when they are younger.

Right, they don't 'adore' him - they are learning, thanks to him, to be in a state of hypervigilance when it comes to his behaviour and have probably already learned that one way to stave off the frightening experience of lovely Daddy suddenly turning into a snarling monster is to be happy, smiley and 'adoring' with him.

It's a truly terrible lesson to learn and one that will stand them in good stead in order to progress into their own dysfunctional, abusive relationships.

You can do nothing to change him, but you can protect them.

While he is still blaming you (or anyone/anything else) for the shouting and violence, he is failing to take responsibility for it.

I am one of the very few wives on this board who has a husband who did change. he used to shout, accuse me of all sorts and generally be very frightening. I was having panic attacks, feeling anxious and losing my sense of self. eventually I made it clear I was going to leave.(I had tried everything else).

This sprung him into action. He had hidden from the truth, pretended he was doing no harm or it was for my own good. But luckily somewhere deep down, the kind man still existed. he undertook some online counselling and read a few books - but most of all he showed remorse and willingness to change.

I am not saying things are perfect, but more than a year on, I am no longer walking on eggshells, I live with a man who is on the up part of the abuse cycle more or less permanently.and I no longer worry he will slide into the down part of the cycle. he knows the consequences of doing so.

I am realistic - but now that I can tell him my concerns, things are dealt with in hours rather than days and he accepts when he has overstepped the mark.

All I am saying is that - it rarely happens - that a man sees his own faults. it takes him being shocked into action. You have to be willing to put it all on the line and be willing to walk away. I had felt that i would be happier apart than with him - I was more than willing to simply walk away and this scared him more than anything.

Unless your OH realises how it affects your marriage and accepts his 100% blame - you must consider being alone.