My relationship (long sorry)

[Packupyourtroubles]

Hi
I posted on chat about what I now know to be 'gaslighting' that my partner does. I was advised to start a thread in relationships.
Last night I was reading a thread and went to reply thinking 'how would I feel in this situation' then realised that actually I have been many times.

Since then it's like the floodgates have opened and I'm realising just how dysfunctional my relationship is.

I met my partner 6 years ago aged 17. He was my first love, etc.
when we first got together I was confident, sure of myself and my values, and knew what I would and would not stand for. Since then I feel I have lost every element of myself.

He is aggressive in words and actions. He has shaken me at times and once a few weeks ago slapped me. Most of the time he just punches objects- the dashboard in my car for example, so not hurting me.

He will always, after an argument say 'why did you make me say/do whatever'. I always end up apologising purely so I am not making him angry any more.

If there is something I don't like, for example he talks to lots of females, has stayed the night at their houses- he will say 'I don't have male friends, do you want me to have no friends'- and I will end up agreeing with him, or I make a point and he twists it so much I have no idea what I was trying to say in the first place.

He has cheated on me but I forgave him both times and he did seem to change his behaviour but now I'm realising he probably didn't.

He has sex with me knowing I don't want to, he is controlling and insists I see him every day and wants me to do sexual things I am not comfortable with. I have sort of given up saying no so I realise I am to blame for that.

I got pregnant a year ago and he insisted on me having an abortion. I wanted to keep the baby and know that before I was with him I would not have let anyone tell me what I could or could not do but I didn't question him.

Just for some background we don't live together as I look after my DNephew full time. I care for my partners mum but not full time. We have a joint account and loans but no mortgage etc.

There is probably more that I have left out. I am not sure what I am asking. I feel like I am to blame for a lot of this. I can't see a way out, I cannot imagine a life without him, and at the same time all I want is to be by myself. Since the first realisation last night it has all been pouring into my mind- memories I didn't know I had. I feel terrified but also as if my eyes have been opened- but I can't work out what's next.

Sorry for length

Well, let's see where you are.

You have seen shitbag this morning and he thinks something is up. He texts and calls and you have ignored him, so I expect he will think about turning up at your place tonight, or may even be there when you get in, unless you know he is elsewhere.

The police now know what's going on, but the door isn't secure. I don't think you can stay there until you can guarantee you can keep him out.

Women's Aid have suggested you create a plan before you tell him. But he knows something is wrong, so time is short.

Your first step -and I hope other posters who have been through this will come in now- is to keep yourself safe tonight.

Is there someone who can take you home to get clothes, etc? Staying at a hotel or a colleagues would be great -you need company tonight!!

Then would you anticipate him turning up at work?

Tomorrow, sort out the bank. But locks on the door first. Then tell whoever you know that you have split up with him, and that you have involved agencies.

the you text him -say you don't want to see him again and won't be caring for his mother.

My goodness what a long way you have come from this time yesterday, I cannot say enough how much I admire you for all this. You are very brave. You haven't dithered. You did it. So well done.

XXXXXX

Just want to wish you luck and courage.

You are so young. Bite the bullet and get through this next bit - admittedly difficult and scary - and you will have your whole life ahead of you.

I am home now, I have contacted a locksmith because I don't want to wait around and I don't want him to be able to get in. I'm waiting for the locksmith to come out.
Then I'm going to try to get my stuff together, and go to a hotel. Then I will text him to tell him and turn my phone off.
My sister said she can have my nephew this week and weekend, but I didn't manage to speak to her about what is going on I just felt like it was too much.

I'm so scared but I know I need this, not next week or next month but today while I still feel like this.
Thank you for all your support again because I wouldn't have been able to see things for what they really are without you.

Your action and determination is admirable and you are doing the right thing at this time when you are fired up to seize the day. This is going to liberate you and empower you and be the start of a new life.

I hope the lock is now changed. I hope you have company tonight, I would take up your colleagues offer of help, if not find a safe and comfortable place to be tonight and don't be afraid of getting support via phone calls, internet etc.

Your sister has come up trumps and I'm sure when you talk to her you will find a good friend and support there. Good luck, lots of strength to you x

You've done amazingly.

All you need is some pjs, clean pants, work clothes. Washing stuff. Phone and charger. Money.

Tell the people at home, ask someoe to get the keys cut for everyone.

Make sure you know the hotel you go to so you can tell the officers if they want to come and see you tonight.

When you tell him make sure you say that the police are involved and if he does anything you will call them again.

No matter where you go, for now you need your phone close at hand. Just for the next three months or so.

It is really important to not answer any of his messages no matter what he says. In fact, the more you stand back, the more you see Jekyll and Hyde behaviour.

Once the police have been you will know more about what they plan to do. They will see what crimes they have and decid whether they can make a charge stick or not. I hope they do in your case.

From there it's all about how you then stay safe. When will you go home do you think? Just don't take any chances for a good while. Don't engage with any of his friends.

As for his family, how close are you? These wider relationships have to be factored in.

Also how can you get out of the money thing? I would take the crime ref numbers to the lender and ask to be taken off the loans.

Well done x choose a hotel with a Telly and wifi if poss x

Packup, what a big and courageous step. What you've achieved is a giant stride away from baby steps.. I really admire your courage. In my experience, some of the best things in life have been the scariest at the outset.

The rest of your life starts here. Think about reconnecting with your siblings, if you think any of those relationships might offer you support. It's common in abusive relationships to become isolated from your family and friends. I hope you'd be pleasantly surprised in how they respond.

You do so much for other people. You care for your DN, your ex's mum, you have a managerial role in your work.

You might not FEEL capable but everything you DO says otherwise. Have faith in yourself. The road ahead might not be the easiest in the short term, but it's worth it and you really can do it.

Keep posting here if it's useful. I'm one of many wishing you well and thinking of you..

And take it step by step. These are all the things you have to do, but take them nice and steady x well done x

The locksmith has just called and he is about half an hour away.
It is just me and my nephew who live here so no one else to give keys to.
I am close to his mum, and his one sister. I am going to change my number after all of this is over. I am going to arrange with social services to get an assessment for his mum- I am lucky in that I work closely with social services for my job and so I should be able to speak to the right people quite quickly.
I have packed a bag and am about to book a hotel. Could someone please help me with the wording of my text to him? I have no clue how to do it.
Thank you all again

Packup, you have packed up and left him! Well done! I am so impressed with you. You have done the hardest thing. As someone else said, the rest is clearance now.

Talk to your sister and make sure your DN knows why he isn't going to be with you for a while, so he doesn't feel rejected. Please speak to your siblings.

Re the text. I don't know. Short and simple. Do no be tempted to reply to any of his nonsense. I have never dumped anyone by text so I don't know.

How about: Our relationship is over and I don't want to see you again. I have involved the police. You will need to find your mother a carer as I will not be doing this anymore. Please do not contact me again. I will report any threatening behaviour or contact to the police and I will take out an injunction against you if you come near me again.

Something like that.

I take my hat off to you. I am so impressed.

XXXXX

The locksmith is here now but. Have just got a text from partner being really aggressive, am quite worried he will come here but just hoping and praying that he won't come before I've left, I am ready to leave as soon as the locks are done though.
Honestly I wouldn't have been around today without the support you've all given me today, everything everyone of you has helped so much

How are you doing?

Oh this is one of the best things you will have ever done. so proud of you

WE ARE HERE

ALL DAY, ALL NIGHT

X

Wow pack up you have been so brave and done so well. You are right though, you need to seize the moment now while you still have the drive and the courage. Otherwise he will manipulate and twist the situation and before you know it 20 years have passed..... Sadly I know.

God luck my love and keep talking. We are right here x x

I missed all this as I am only just back from work. I have followed you from your other first thread (under a different name, I directed you here)

You are so clear and so strong, and yes, so brave. You knew all along this wasn't right, you just needed to admit it to yourself. Take any offers from your family/colleagues of a place to stay/shoulder to cry on. If you were my colleague I would be there like a shot.

If your ex turns up anywhere you are...call the police. Your situation is flagged now, they will take you seriously. Stay strong and stay focused, you can do this. You sound utterly capable and utterly mature for a youngster (I am old enough to be your mum, sorry) and you will have a better life than the one you have had for the last few years.

Well done Pack. If he turns up whilst the locksmith is there at least you will have someone with you. Leave as soon as he goes. Don't text until you are away from your house and i think keep it short and sweet for now. For example "relationship is over and i do not want you to contact me again" you could also add that he needs to make some formal care arrangements for his mother as you are unable to continue doing that from now.

Not sure if you might want to put something about why it is over but another more wise poster might be able to advise you on that. Mention the police are involved if you feel it is necessary for your safety.

Packup, de-lurking to say well done, so pleased to see how far you have come in such a short space of time.

Bloody hell girl, you are brave. I really admire you.

If your EX (he's your ex now, or soon to be!) does turn up with all the aggression before you leave, do not hesitate to call the police. For once, put you first. You and your safety, and your future.

Hi everyone I have made it to the hotel there is wifi and apparently security all night so that's good if he did turn up
I have spoken to my nephew he sounds very happy went for a mcdonalds with his mum which is a big treat! And is now at her house watching a film.
I have turned my phone off but I called police and gave them my work number and told them where I am, they are being very good.
I am shaky and scared, I saw him when I was driving away and he didn't see me but it has made it all hit home.
I am not brave at all but I am being given the most amazing advice on here, it is a safety net when I didn't have any security at all, and is much needed.
I spoke to the director and he has agreed that I can do my visits as and when I can, for the next week. I was meant to be on a two day visit at one of our settings but I have cancelled that for now.
I'm not sure what I need to do now. I'm not ready to text him, I have no idea how or what to say. I keep having panic attacks, I am finding this bit the most difficult of all
I can't thank you all enough

You really are brave. Even if you don't think so! And you don't have to text him right now. Wait till you are ready.

So he has a key and usually at your house tonight? When you spotted him was he heading towards your house?

The DV officer should be able to advise you of what to write in a text to him.

Can anybody help to write a text to him.

he, him = cunty

The lock's been changed so he won't be able to get in.

I think keep the text simple.

Our relationship is over. Please do not contact me again.

well done, you are amazing. I would suggest ringing the police and letting them know you saw him heading to your house, just in case he tries to break in. The DV officer is there for you to talk to, as would WA if you need to speak to them.
Really really brave, however scared you feel.

Not usually but I think he was trying to find me, he doesn't have a key anymore because I changed the locks and the trade button to the entrance of the flats doesn't work after 6pm. I will text him, eventually when I can think of what to say- I am so scared of it and didn't realise how terrified I actually am of him
I like the cunty reference tbh!

Or you could just not text him. Changing the lock and not returning his calls is one way of saying "it's OVER sunshine".