What am I doing ? this could be long

[whatamidoing]

brief history: married, 30's, children

DH and I have had a rough patch for about 2 years prior to that there has been DV, which resulted in 2 physical incidents, calmed to temper, throwing things, shouting, at me and kids. Possessive, not liking me going out calling my friends sluts, commenting on what I wear, not liking me working late but liking the rewards. Makes no effort to plan for family but goes above and beyond for friends and his family. Slags of my family constantly. All came to a head and we almost split, I wanted to seperate he promised to change, for 3 months he had. We did the dating again thing, time alone, making sure we talked, etc etc. However the dating has stopped, we had a blow up again where we haven't resolved the issue and I'm still simmering. On the up side he responded really well to an issue I had at work and was lovely. He doesn't initiate sex, but will grope me at all other times of the day.

o.k. so for the what am I doing bit - have gotten very close to another man, he has made it plainly clear he would love to sleep with me, has no intention of leaving his wife, we have kissed and cuddled and I think if opportunity presented itself I'm not sure I would say no to more.

I understand the risks, I know he has a wife and the hurt this causes and I'm not excusing my behaviour. Have had on line relate session to get advice, which basically told me I knew what was wrong and to talk to DH.

I've got issues an affair isn't going to sort them out, but I don't feel as if there is enough wrong in my marriage to end it and disrupt my childrens lives. On the surface we get on, but I feel that there is something lacking, am I just looking for some greener grass. Btw I have never been unfaithful, and morally it is something that I abhor, have spoken to my best friend who knows me and has said I've obviously got serious issues as to even contemplate sleeping with someone else is just not me. We've discussed if I could be depressed, but I can find joy in lots of things, it just seems to be my relationship.

Not sure what advice anyone can give, but maybe reading this back will help

never been in this position and never want to be..sorry can't offer you experience etc. Personally I would say "don't do it" but then you know that was the answer you were going to get. Sleeping with this other guy will make things worse, even if you both just want a casual fling things are sure to turn bad and you, him or both will get way way to attached. You say you don't feel enough is wrong in your marriage but surely there must be things for you to look elsewhere and even to get help from relate etc. I think both you and your dh need to get help from relate and sooner rather than later. I feel for you and the kind of relationship you are in as this is not a normal relationship imo.

It's to easy to get emotionally imvolved with this other man even though you are both sure you wouldn't get that attached.

If you did get involved with this other man, I wouldn't condemn you, but my advice is don't do it

it will end up being incredibly messy - your marriage will be destroyed (as will his)

your marriage doesn't sound great - tbh your dh sounds like a selfish git. Address that before getting involved with anyone else for your own safety and sanity if nothing else

being good enough for a bonk but not much else is going to send you crashing rock bottom after a while, be kind to yourself

it sounds like your main attraction to this guy is that he's not your dh. Making you feel wanted and attractive? Making you feel your worth something better than the partner you currently have. All true but you know it's not good for you to go further with this guy.

Might be a good thing to think why you are into this guy. If it's because of the above, which i suspect a lot of it boils down to, then use that to realise how much more you are worth. Don't sleep with married guy but at least have a good think as to why you are still with mr abusive.

Do not do it. You can't forsee the consequences. Obviously both your marriages could break up, children could hate you. But then there is his wife! Take her into account. What if she goes nuts and tries to burn your house down? Stranger things have happened. Go through any other hell to sort your marriage out or get a divorce, nice and clean, and start dating SINGLE men. This will ruin your life.

Also - I know someone who was in a similar situation. When she went on an anti-depressant her whole outlook changed. If you think you might be depressed you need to sort that out first and foremost as you can never be sure how it will affect your decision making process.

happy daddy you have hit the nail on the head, he does make me feel good about myself, uses terms of affection on a daily basis, texts me every evening to see how I am and obviously doesn't criticise at all, it's a suspended reality. He's told me how he can compartmentalise, and this doesn't affect how he is with his family, and really isn't someone I would have a long term relationship with even if both single, I'd never trust him.

As for DH and I we seem to be going round in circles, it was only when we nearly seperated that he finally spoke to me about how he was feeling. now he's back to being really quiet, if I ask him if he's o.k. he just says yes, he's not shouting atm, our blow up was about 3 weeks ago and since then he had done some really nice things for me, I don't know if this other guy's attention is stopping me from focussing on making my marriage work and that's why I feel there is something missing, we just seem to be plodding and I feel really sad. He has made some comments about my family and the hours I work but that's been it recently.

as I said I don't know what I'm doing, and thanks for the other posts, I have been thinking of his wife and have said on 3 ocassions that we shouldn't pursue things, it actually seems to be me thinking of his wife not him, in reality I won't sleep with him, never had a one night stand so I'm not going to start now.

another question, having had a history of a not very nice marriage (btw i also think DH was unfaithful but have no proof and he denies it)has anyone recovered a relationship and found that lost spark again ?

I felt like I lost a lot of respect for him, and I wanted him to leave so it could just be me and my children, has anyone ever got respect back ?

or is it just too soon for him to have proven himself to me, I'd felt quite good about our marriage again until this blow up where he was an absolute b*stard to me - it's been once in 3 months where it used to be every few weeks, can he really change for good ?

I really do feel for you. You are in an awful situation. I know because one of my very best friends went through something similar.

HER marriage was recovered completely after much hard work. So it is possible. I dont know if it would be possible in your marriage because I dont know the ins and outs of it - you may not even know at this point. I am just scared for you - a lot of bad things can happen when you go down an affair route. This guy, he is being nice to you, and making you feel good, and that is great, but I can guaruntee you that is temporary. And it isnt real anyway.

Maybe you need a break from BOTH men so you can clear your head and make a good decision.

how are you??

not too bad, have stopped all contact with the guy and whilst I am missing him like hell I know it's for the best, hopefully in a while we will be able to pick up a friendship as we do get on really well.

concentrating on DH and whilst things stil aren't brilliant they are slowly getting better, I think the other guy was more of a distraction to make me feel better than anything else.

But I either need to sort it out or move on, it's weird I feel more normal than I have in ages, still feel quite sad, but part of that might be about missing the other guy and I just need to get him out of my system.

thanks for thinking of me

I'm really glad that you arent too bad right now. And I have to say glad you stopped contact with the other guy. It really wont do you any good! I think I can promise that.

I hope you and your DH can work it out but if you cant, you cant. Even though I dont know you I would just be scared for you if you got involved in an affair as I have seen how destructive they can be.

Stay strong - keep doing the good you are doing. Can you try to find the sweetness that once was there (presumably!) between you and your DH? It sounds like he has had abusive tendencies in the past - I hope he has sorted that out, if he hasnt you cant make a marriage work on your own.

I hope you are alright and you feel better each day. I wish you the best of luck! Would like to hear how you are doing again, if you dont mind. Take care!

of course I don't mind.

The longer I'm not in touch with the other guy the more focussed I am on my own marriage, and each day is getting better, and I'm begining to see the loveliness in him.

He has had abusive tendancies in the past, nothing physical towards me in years, and never towards the children, it was the shouting and throwing things that had continued until earlier this year, nothing at all now for months.

I think the thing is that I keep waiting for him to slip up, and one arguement where he was horrible was magnified. I think the other guy has distracted me from what is important, and I've enjoyed the attention at a time when I was very low.

Thanks again for thinking of me, it's strange this is the only place where I've been completely honest with myself !

how long has it been since you have not been speaking to the other guy? How did he take it when you told him that was your decision?

The abuse your DH has shown you is bullying and intimidating - I dont blame you for being fed up with it AT ALL. It will take a long time for you to feel 'safe' around him and NOT be waiting for him to slip up - you'd be silly to trust anyone with that history 100% just on faith alone. Trust takes time to build.

How has he addressed those temper problems he has had in the past? What can reassure you that they will stay in the past?

I hope you dont think I am just nosy! I just really could relate to your post. It's often the internet where you can be yourself as no one knows you.

almost a week, haven't told him, just haven't been in contact with him, but I know, if he stays true to form that he will contact me. It begins fairly friendly, then moves onto more intimate stuff. It'll be then that I will need to be really strong to stop it.

As for DH he hasn't done anything formal to help with his temper he has just stopped, so I suppose it will take time before I relax and trust completely.

It helps to have someone to talk to about this so don't feel nosey, am getting paranoid though - hope you're not his wife !

oh no!!! I promise you I am not his wife!!! Please dont be paranoid! I am a totally neutral party!

I think for a while, in order to get this guy out of your system, you will have to have no contact with him. Its impossible to expect yourself to stay strong when there is some tempting thing right in your path! You will have to be so so firm and he will probably say all sorts of things like 'We can just be friends' etc - MAYBE you can - but I would guess not right now.

Could you talk to your DH and say something like 'Lately I had an epiphany where I thought I should leave, but I realised I really want to make things right with you, I love you & we have a lot of good things together, but I have been feeling really low and alone so can we work on this together, make it top priority?'

Like, let him know he JUST MISSED losing you but you really want to sort it with him. Then maybe he will understand the gravity of the situation without you having to say you were tempted to have an affair, and it might help him help you trust him again.

I am going to try and not contact him or respond in any other way than politely if he contacts me, if he gets overly friendly i'll tell him it's not right and either treat me as a normal friend or friendship over.

I actually asked DH for a split a couple of months ago, he knows how serious it has been, and since I've not been speaking to other guy things have gone from strength to strength with DH, honestly think it was just a distraction, how sad am I

Please dont feel like you are sad! It sounds like you have had good reason to want a distraction, so dont be too hard on yourself. You are only human after all. I think you should be proud of yourself for sorting this out before it was too late.

Thank you

update: concentrating on DH and things are going wonderfully.

Discussed situation with other guy and he is concentrating on his wife (or has moved onto next conquest) and we are now platonic friends.

I am missing him like hell, but am trying to be strong, can't really understand why I am missing the attention so much as I am getting plenty from my DH, but am feeling rejected by the other guy - feels very strange.

thanks for the update! Sorry I didnt see it sooner, I had my baby 4 weeks early on the 8th of Aug and have been reeling from that and coping with a new darling!

Its good to hear from you though and I think you are doing the right thing.

The rejection thing I think is totally normal. Even though you know its the right thing some part of you probably want the other guy to fight for you or pursue the hell out of you or be miserable without you etc. I know personally when I was younger and dating loads of people even when I would dump someone I wanted them to still want me as its never good to feel like you are easily got over. Maybe I am reading what you said wrong though and that isnt the situation at all. If it is, it will fade with time. This guy sounds like a bit of a player which doesnt help.

Can you somehow manage to make your DH pursue you again? Like playing hard to get etc still within the marriage? Every woman wants to feel someone is yearning for her that is totally normal.

no you got it spot on, and you are right it is fading with time, to be honest reading nailpolishes thread has hit a number of spots with me, the emails what was being said, and all along me knowing about his circumstances. and I think it rings true here all he was after was a shag on the side and when he's realised he's not going to get it he's gone looking elsewhere fortunately he hasn't got nasty with me.

I too thank my lucky stars for MN lots of much needed reality checks on here, and yes I'm old enough not to believe the crap he was feeding me but I did.

anyway DH and I are fab now, and I just hope that he never finds out what went on, and I've turned my back on the other guy and am concentrating on me.

and although I don't want him, still want him to want me

oh and CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!

lovely to hear,
well done for being strong in the end. I so want to transmit that experience and understanding to nailpolosh-she's being fed every line in the book and at the moment can't see past that. She will in time.
Good luck to you and your dh and by the way we are still growing stronger and recovering. take care

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