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Original poster

Really dissappointed in my DH

32 replies

dissappointed · 28/02/2004 07:03

I know this has been discussed alot but I haven't the energy to search after a crap nigt sleep thinking about it.

A little while ago I found some videos in DH's wardrobe, Adult videos. I wasn't to upset about it and told him that I had found them. He was VERY embarrassed about it and said he hasn't watched them in ages. Admittedly I was abit curious about them and took at one of them out of the bag...... I was shocked at the pictures I saw. I don't concider myself to be a prude but the picture were disgusting, really hardcore.
I told him that I looked at it and was shocked at the one I saw so he said he would throw them out. He hasn't but think it's more that we both forgot about them that intensionally keeping them.
Anyway heres the bit why I'm so dissappointed. I was trying to install something on the PC last night and messed it up so had to uninstall it and on that page I found some stuff that he's been using and tried to delete. Porn stuff. I feel so sad that he's doing this when he's told me he hasn't watched the videos in ages, I can see why now.
I think we have an excellent sex life but now all I can think is that he's watching those because I'm not enough. I feel sick and sad at what he's doing behind my back.

I know someone will answer that all men do this which is fine but it's the sneekiness of it all that has upset me.

I'm not a troll, I've changed my name as 2 of my family use MN and I don't particulary want them knowing about this.

Sorry for the rambling, just need to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:
changedmynameforthis · 28/02/2004 08:08

I found porn on my computer again after DH telling me he wouldn't do it again (for the last 4 times) and I blew up at him as I hate porn. He insists that he din't download the stuff and doesn't know how it got there. Now he is using Direct Connect and downloading music but this software gives an open port so people can upload from your system. Is it possible that someone uploaded the porn to our system? I want to belive DH when he says he didn't do it but its happened before

ChangedNameToo · 28/02/2004 08:18

Me too. I only looked at the History after a thread on MN. Never thought to look before.
I've taken a different appraoch.
I didn't mention it to him.
Our sex life isn't brilliant...not as often as he'd like.
Once I'd calmed down about it I showed him more affection. IYKWIM He didn't go back to the porn for 2 weeks. I feel I would rather know when he was looking at it. If he knows I know i don't think it will stop him he will just make sure he deletes the history.
Not sure I'm doing the right thing though.

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 08:19

I have no idea how computer work so can't answer your question. Or find a solution to mine.

OP posts:
twiglett · 28/02/2004 09:11

message withdrawn

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 09:12

just confronted him about it and guess what he said "it a bloke thing". I asked him why he downloaded stuf and he said it does it on it own, once you click it downloads so that you can watch a clip or whatever.......is that right? I don't think it is as when I've clicked movie things, obviously not the sort he's watching, it just loads it, nothing is saved which is what I found last night.
I told him that I have this sworded (sp?) image of him at the computer watching this shit and that it repulses me. I also asked him how he would feel if he found I had been doing something similar behind his back.......and he couldn't answer.
Maybe I am a prude after all

OP posts:
lilibet · 28/02/2004 09:21

I found some porn magazines in my ex's wardrobe when I was about 8 months pregnant with ds1. He had been very uninterested in the pregnancy and I was really hurt, I was at that ' beached whale' stage. I put them in the bin and replaced them with a 'practical parenting' 'mother and baby' and similar. It was never mentioned!!

Evita · 28/02/2004 10:20

lilibet, what an excellent idea!

Disappointed, I don't think you're a prude at all. It is hurtful to find out one's partner has turned to other means of sexual gratification. I've had some problems with this in the past with dp. I think it's kind of disappeared now, but I don't know for sure and after being incredibly disappointed in him at the time I now actually don't really care. I never thought I'd say that but it's true. Although I'm totally against porn myself as I find it ugly and degrading I do think blokes seem to have a 'need' for it and it doesn't reflect on their feelings for their partners. I can't condone it in any way and I wish it wasn't everywhere available so easily but I've sort of put it in my mind as one of the more undesirable aspects of masculinity like smelly socks and untidiness.

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 10:37

Twiglett, I don't really have a problem with porn and infact I think I was curious about the videos because it might be fun to watch them together........it was the level of porn that disgusted me. Ok I have only seen one porn film in my life and that was years ago but I'm sure they are not all like the images on the video box.

I'm really not sure I can except the sneekiness though, I find it impossible to tell a little white lie about spending £10 at sainsburys when I've actually spend a few pounds more. I just feel like he has lied to me about it, saying he doesn't need to watch the videos, doesn't want to even but then using this bloody thing to get his kicks anyway.
I really don't think I would have minded half as much if he'd told me before I found out like this.

Evita, well done for not caring about it, maybe I will too eventually.

Lillibet, I LOVE that idea!

The way I feel at the moment I can't imagine I'll ever get the image of him w*nking at the PC when we're being intimate. The thought just absolutley repluses me.

He's out of bed now and we're not talking......were as I feel he should be grovelling at my feet for forgivness. I just feel like I don't know him as well as I thought I did

OP posts:
Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 11:21

I told him that I think I deserve an apology. He claims he already has, but said sorry again.
I've told him everything about how I feel, like I've told you all and he just doesn't get it.

I said I wouldn't be half a mad if he'd told me he used the PC, I don't want to know when or how often. But he said he wouldn't have ever told me about it.

Who is this man? I haven't a single secret from him, not one. Yet this is beyond a my comprehension (sp?) to do this.

OP posts:
Janstar · 28/02/2004 11:49

Yes, dissappointed. It's the 'behind your back' aspect of it that you are most upset about, isn't it?

IMO anything you do that you wouldn't do in front of your partner is a problem. Your question about what he would think if you did it was right to the point.

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 12:45

exactly Janstar.....but he still can't answer it.

it just a bloke thing is all I get.

OP posts:
Janstar · 28/02/2004 12:48

Go into hysterics and smash up the computer. Then say 'It's just a woman thing'.

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 13:01

He threw the videos out, to prove that he didn't want them so I said "well what about the computer? is that going too"

He really just doesn't get it.....not one bit!

OP posts:
Evita · 28/02/2004 15:47

No, he won't get it. Is there an alternative thing you can suggest to him that he would hate you to go behind his back with? I've found that suggesting you might watch porn doesn't really work as I think most men think women aren't into it and seeing as it's so full of women rather than men, who can blame them. Unless of course they're not straight. But then they wouldn't have a male partner and this problem. With my partner I suggested to him that I had been flirting really madly with someone I worked with. (He HATES the idea of flirting). I said to him 'yes, but it's what all women do, it's a woman thing, you want to know you're attractive to the opposite sex.' He was so furious that I'd done this and not told him, so then I told him I hadn't really done this but that his going behind my back made me feel the same way. It got the message home. But as I say, I don't think I've ever really trusted him since. And I've got used to that as it's really quite a few years ago that this all blew up between us.

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 16:08

Evita, I asked him how he would feel if he knew I was looking at men who were more good looking than him, more muscles, fitter, bigger willies to get a thrill. would he mind, would he be happy. Of course he said no but still said it's a bloke thing.

I think we've reached a stale mate really, he has apologised but I can't believe for one minute that he will stop doing it, he'll just be even more sneeky and that kills me

OP posts:
Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 20:08

Okay ladies.....what do I do?
Shall I just let this go? and hope I don't find anything else
Ask him why he needs to do this and hopefully get a better answer than the bloke thing.
He said he was curious but I found 6 or 7 differnet things.......surely thats beyond curiosity?

Ohhhhhh, I don't think I'll ever get the answers really. I hate this and really feel like he's totally disrespecting me by doing all it.

Feel very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 20:31

anyone?

OP posts:
Chinchilla · 28/02/2004 20:33

If you really want an opinion, I would let it go. Porn is not a problem IMO. Other women are a problem. Some old tart with her fanny hanging out is fantasy, not real. Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear

Clarinet60 · 28/02/2004 20:37

I agree with chinchilla, twigglett et al. Porn doesn't bother me. I think if you push further, he might have to take it further underground and go outside the house for it. That would be dangerous. IMO, it's nothing more than elaborate masturbation anyway. TBH, it's hard being inside a marriage and having to compromise about everything, body & soul. I do understand those who have different views, but to me, what DH does in the bathroom or wherever, is none of my business.

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 20:37

No thanks fine chincilla. I wasn't bothered by it until last night when I found it all. Agree about the fannies!!!

I just can't get over the feeling of him lying to me

OP posts:
Chinchilla · 28/02/2004 20:39

I know what you mean. It's the lie, not the porn. However, was it actually a lie, or a white lie to stop you feeling degraded by it?

Clarinet60 · 28/02/2004 20:40

ps, what he said about porn on the computer is true. It's a devil to get rid of and you don't know what you've got until it opens. Sometimes you don't even have to click on something, you just get a pop-up and it stays. (I only know this 'cos of DH's habits.)

spacemonkey · 28/02/2004 20:42

I agree with chinchilla too.

Maybe he is embarrassed about it? I wouldn't want my dp to know the ins and outs of my private sexual fantasies!

Original poster
dissappointed · 28/02/2004 20:42

It the fact that he said he doesn't watch the videos and hasn't in ages because he doesn't need them.........well obviously you don't need them if you're using the computer for the same thing.

As I said earlier I haven't one single secret from him and although I wouldn't want to know WHEN he's doing this it would have been ok to know he DID do it.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 28/02/2004 20:42

ins and outs was an unfortunate pun - sorry

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