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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Nasty MIL!! need to rant

40 replies

WazzaWoo · 09/12/2013 09:38

So my MIL has always been "difficult" but it's going to a whole new level and really starting to upset me. Every Christmas days we split between either my parents and her. It is my mum's turn this year but I get a text from MIL - I appreciate you have a split family but that doesnt help that I can't see you Xmas day! She's very selfish and controlling! Since September it's been arranged that we would go Xmas eve, oh no now we have to drop everything and go Xmas morning in between me trying to cook the bloody dinner! So annoyed! Recently my Dd hasn't been sleeping at all!! Everyone else trying to help out etc.. All she can say is. Oh well you won't be so strict with the next one will you- wtf!
But my SIL can't get enough help from her. Obviously there is more than this but I'm ready to boil!! My DH knows she's a cow but just tells me to ignore it!! I really can't!!
Would love a mumsnet hug, stories of your MILS from hell! Ha.
Just can't have another 20 year's of this!!!

OP posts:

yomellamoHelly · 09/12/2013 09:41

No. Full sentence ...... yadaya As you say there's another 20 years. You need to stay firm.

TheVermiciousGrinch · 09/12/2013 09:42

Just say no.

LineRunner · 09/12/2013 09:44

But who is saying you have to drop everything on Christmas morning and go and visit her?

FetchezLaVache · 09/12/2013 09:44

But you don't "have" to drop everything on Christmas morning and go round, just because she wants you to! She sounds like a nightmare, time to start educating her as to expectations and boundaries. I take it you're cooking Christmas lunch for your DPs this year? Just tell her you'll be really busy and won't have time to go. If your DH wants to take the DCs round for an hour while you're cooking, that's up to him, but there's no way I'd be going, personally.

bluestar2 · 09/12/2013 09:46

I would just say 'sorry our arrangement for Christmas Eve no longer suits you. Perhaps we will catch up boxing day' stand firm if you give in you will be giving in for next 20 years.

MadeOfStarDust · 09/12/2013 09:47

Just say " NO - we have other plans, will see you as planned - and next year we will see you on Xmas day... "

or - get DH to take DD round there for an hour whilst you get yourself sorted.. mine always go out for a walk so I can get things how I like them (selfish on my part - but they don't mind as they get out of "prettifying" the table)

Original poster

WazzaWoo · 09/12/2013 09:47

Oh we DO have too otherwise it's all my fault blah blah!! Yes she is a nightmare. Her way or no way. I'm sick of being the baddy in this but agree it has got to stop and need to be firm! Argghhhh

OP posts:

Xfirefly · 09/12/2013 09:49

stand your ground!! im starting to learnt this now with my own pita MIL. she rang me yesterday to 'remind' us we haven't called for a couple of days

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/12/2013 09:51

Poppycock. No is as I learnt here a complete sentence. It works. Mine is similar. No goes a long way. If you're going to be Lilly livered then you will always feel out upon. Truthfully then the only person who would be wrong would be you, wouldn't it? If you wouldn't take something from a friend why accept from her?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 09/12/2013 09:51

Put not out

Original poster

WazzaWoo · 09/12/2013 09:54

Oh God Xfire!! This is the funny bit.. She couldn't give 2 shits about me or her GD ever until such events as Christmas.Easter etc just makes me so mad!! She never calls to see how GD is etc but wants us all to jump whenever she feels like it. Classic comment was.. Oh doesn't SIL look fab after giving birth!!! She had a c section, hair done before etc, I had horrendous Labour with 3a tears!!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 09/12/2013 09:54

I still don't understand who is forcing you to go.

Is it your husband?

kotinka · 09/12/2013 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

WazzaWoo · 09/12/2013 09:55

OP posts:

TheVermiciousGrinch · 09/12/2013 09:55

No. You really don't have to.

If your husband wants to go, he can go round with the children. If he doesn't really want to go either, but doesn't want to say so and instead would let you take the blame if you didn't go round, then he is the real problem.

Good luck!

Happiestinwellybobs · 09/12/2013 09:55

Oh no, you must stand your ground. My MIL is exactly like this. After years of spending Christmas Day with them or away on holiday, one year we decided that we wanted a quiet christmas at home. Had a meal with them on Christmas Eve and arranged a meal a few days later.

Christmas morning, DH popped round to pick up something we had forgotten, only to find MIL having one of her dramas at the table, being pandered to by FIL and BIL. All because we had chosen not to go round. I was a selfish bitch apparently .

It only got worse over the years. People like this are selfish, spoilt and controlling. You both need to be on the same side, then you won't be singled out for the blame.

Original poster

WazzaWoo · 09/12/2013 10:01

My DH is anything for a quiet life but agree he needs to be On my side! If we dont go it will start a your so selfish etc etc. All my fault etc. Just sick of it!

OP posts:

OvertiredandConfused · 09/12/2013 10:02

You have to say no OP - or rather your DH has to say no. Bluestar has it right - but get your DH to say it. AS long as the two of you are comfortable with what happens you have to learnt to shrug off what she thinks. Oh, and when I find an way to shrug it off painlessly, I'll let you know!

Original poster

WazzaWoo · 09/12/2013 10:05

Ha thanks overtired! I know, I wish I didn't care what she thinks etc but sadly I do... God knows why!!!!

OP posts:

starsandunicorns · 09/12/2013 10:08

Can you just say you have your own family ie dh dd and want to start family xmas your way

I never got the going to families at xmas as soon as I had dd I was told by my mum you have your own family and then dh family never really invited us

Original poster

WazzaWoo · 09/12/2013 10:11

Oh my goodness wish it was that easy! She knows that it is my mums turn but how did she put it.. Thats doesn't help the fact I can't see you! Wouldn't mind if she actually was nice to me and cared about us but for 364 days a year she couldn't give two hoots!

OP posts:

LunaticFringe · 09/12/2013 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache · 09/12/2013 10:24

Thing is with people like that, as I learned when I was married to someone a bit like that, is that you may see it all as give and take in a spirit of compromise, but they don't. They see it as you quite rightly capitulating and agreeing to what is basically their God-given rights. If you think, oh we'll go on Christmas Day so she might cut us some slack at New Year/Easter, well, she won't. The more you give, the more she will take. That's why you need to make a stand. I agree with bluestar2's suggestion as it will make it clear that it's either/or, she CAN'T just have it all her way.

Good luck!

cjel · 09/12/2013 10:43

Care more about yourself and dd and your parents and sayNO NO NO to this 'request'

Vivacia · 09/12/2013 11:20

Do you feel you're being a bit "Yes, but..." with the suggestions here? It's as if there's a game played out here and there's a danger that you're more invested in playing your role than actually solving the problem.

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