Nasty MIL!! need to rant

[WazzaWoo]

So my MIL has always been "difficult" but it's going to a whole new level and really starting to upset me. Every Christmas days we split between either my parents and her. It is my mum's turn this year but I get a text from MIL - I appreciate you have a split family but that doesnt help that I can't see you Xmas day! She's very selfish and controlling! Since September it's been arranged that we would go Xmas eve, oh no now we have to drop everything and go Xmas morning in between me trying to cook the bloody dinner! So annoyed! Recently my Dd hasn't been sleeping at all!! Everyone else trying to help out etc.. All she can say is. Oh well you won't be so strict with the next one will you- wtf!
But my SIL can't get enough help from her. Obviously there is more than this but I'm ready to boil!! My DH knows she's a cow but just tells me to ignore it!! I really can't!!
Would love a mumsnet hug, stories of your MILS from hell! Ha.
Just can't have another 20 year's of this!!!

If you are posting hoping that the combined wisdom of MN can provide you with a way of refusing your MIL's demand request without any upset or name-calling, then - sorry, can't be done, and I hope you are getting that message from PPs! What we can do is be your invisible support and backup in finding the strength to say No and mean it. She isn't the only one whose opinion counts, you know!

My MIL is exactly the same. You cannot 'be made' to do or feel anything unless you allow her to. I know that sounds easy for me to say but trust me it has taken me 9 years and 2 kids to reach this conclusion. Stand up for yourself and your DD - your H has got years of conditioned responses of his own so don't count on him to fight your battles for you.

It might sound harsh but you really need to grow some balls and just say NO. As others have already said if you don't this will be your life for the rest of your relationship (or as long as she is alive).

The key is to remain calm and consistant, even though your blood may be boiling - go into a bathroom and do a silent scream if necessary (from experience ).

You can do this. Don't jeapordise (sp) your Christmas because she is throwing a tantrum.

WazzaWoo,

This is the reality of being in the world of the dysfunctional inlaws; it is not your fault that your MIL is like this, you did not make her this way.

Re this comment:-
"My DH is anything for a quiet life but agree he needs to be On my side!"
Unfortunately by taking such a weak stance, he is neither helping his own self or his own family unit here. He's not completely on your side here because he has not as yet managed to completely sever that unhealthy bind between him and his mother. He basically wants you all to get along (hence his ignore it comment) so he can continue to have a quiet life. It will not happen because his mother is at heart totally unreasonable and disordered in her thinking. He is likely deep in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother and cannot as yet countenance the possibility that his mother is truly ghastly because it would and remains too painful to him to admit to himself.

No is a complete sentence and I would use that as often as necessary.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as it may give you some further insight.

Boundaries both firm and consistent need to be applied here. If she cannot or will not behave she does not get to see you and the children. Also such awful people like his mother make for being toxic grandparents anyway, some people really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren.

By the way I also get the unfavourable comparisons with SIL - its sucks but just ignore it. She plays us off against each other endlessly - you are a player in her mental games - just don't conform to your role. Stand firm.

Vivacia I am trying to explain my thoughts. Feelings and the situation so if you can't advise. Relate or have anything useful to say then please don't! Annielewis and Attila I know you are both 100% correct! I am going to stand my ground. Broad shoulders needed!!

WAZZAWOO - Use that spirit to your MIL, not Vvacia and you'll be fine

'I'm sure you will cope' is the only response you needed to her text. Why are you letting her yank your chain all the time?

Its not going to be easy Wazzawoo - don't forget that she is more than likely used to people doing what she wants at any sign of a hissyfit. You WILL get a backlash for this. Just be prepared, remain calm and remember that you are an adult, and a mother and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

It will not be easy though.

Sending you strong vibes..... :)

I think you were saying that you didn't find my advice helpful, it was said in good faith.

Wow. Are you me before MN?

We (meaning me) used to plan our lives around MIL and her weekly visits. Whenever was best for her,.never us. If we couldnt do 1 week we would get emotional blackmail, guilt tripping...the works!

Theres alot more to this story. I used to feel like we HAD to cater for her, we had to change our plans to suit her, but if she canceled it was fine, it wasnt her fault. etc. She would miss weeks at a time, she once had period pain and couldnt come down. I was in labour and we wasn't making enough time for her.

Things happened.

We dont see her anymore.
Weirdly enough, shes contacted us more now than she did when we was talking.

No is a complete sentence. She has the problem. Not you. She is selfish. You do not have to change your life and plans to suit her, just to keep her happy.

Have this last Christmas day with your Mum and next year spread that Christmas day out.

As children we saw my maternal Grandmother (lovely) on Christmas Eve, Christmas day was just us, my parents and my sisters, boxing day we saw my paternal Grandmother (nasty old hag) and we did it in that order so that she couldn't ruin Christmas for us

I am lucky to have a good relationship with my in-laws so this is how Christmas pans out for me, Christmas Eve is just me, Dh and our children, it is sacred and no-one visits.

Christmas Day - up and presents opened.

Dive in car and 1 hour drive to my sister's house where all my family go for Christmas dinner, present opening afterwards (My older sister works in a theatre so only has 2 days off at Christmas)

Back in car for short 20 minute drive to in-laws, present opening then buffet meal with sil, her partner and parents in law.

Boxing day - chill and relax, 27th back to that theatre where my sister works for their Christmas production and back to hers for food and drinks.

Chill day, then 29th in-laws here at ours for food and chat that we never get chance to do on Christmas Day.

It is hectic, but I love it and it has been this way for 17 years.

Set your own version of Christmas up now. Stand firm, ignore comments from her, I tend to have a mantra in my head with people who are arseholes (sometimes it is from Peppa Pig, when Madam Gazelle says "you are beautiful swan, with grace and beauty") usually when someone was commenting on how huge my pregnant belly was and questioning whether it was twins

Embrace your inner baddie....... it's quite fun.

I get the DH with his 'anything for a quiet life' I have one just like it (although he's not anywhere near as bad as he used to be) The only time I have properly won over the MIL is when I was preggers/hormonal and my wailing and screeching was louder (she was trying to steal our cat at the time).

and remember (and point it out to her if you see fit) Christmas is about the kids, not the grandparents.

Good Luck

Ha yes maybe my inner baddy is crying to come out!! It's nice to know I'm not alone. Will keep you updated. Thank you to everyone that has reassured me to be brave and just say no!! :-D

Remember- you're cooking Christmas lunch for lots of people, you have a watertight excuse not to go! Let that become your mantra :)

Hows it going wazzawoo? Are you being called an evil controlling bitch yet? Stay strong.