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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

no intimacy

31 replies

outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 15:54

ive been with my husband 10 years but since expecting our 2nd child 4 years ago we have hardly been intimate. i only came to terms with the fact he doesnt fancy me about a year ago. i feel such a mix of emotions and i have no idea what to do. he wont talk about it or acknowledge the situation. ive tried to accept a non intimate relationship but i really do miss being wanted. i dont want to break up our family but i dont want to be in a relationship where im not wanted other than to run the house deal with the kids etc. Am i being selfish? im 40

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 16:03

You're not the one being selfish if he's decided - quite unilaterally and without any kind of discussion or explanation - that he doesn't fancy you (he actually said that?) and doesn't want to be intimate. He's being selfish expecting you to just accept celibacy whilst running around after him at home and looking after the DCs

I think you have to contemplate that the family is already dysfunctional and that a break-up, although unfortunate, wouldn't be the end of the world. Then put it to him that, unless he starts talking about what is going on, it's over.... Plain as that.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 16:14

thank you for your post. i understood marriage would be tough but i never expected this. what's really bizarre is that he seems ok with the situation... i feel like i live with a platonic friend i once knew!!! he has never said he doesn't fancy me but actions speak louder than words. there has no been intimacy in years. in the beginning, after the birth of our second child when i mentioned it he said it was just tiredness but that was nearly 4 years ago. my confidence has gone and although i shouldnt rely on someone else to confirm my worth i feel so angry and hurt that he doesnt want me/us back.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 16:26

Who told you marriage would be tough? A bad marriage is tough. A good marriage isn't. So forget what you've been told about 'working at a relationship' because that is just a traditional way of making women put up with a lot of crap.

You've every right to be angry and, in your shoes, I would be as furious about the silence on the subject as I was about the rejection. Assuming he's a similar age to yourself 'tiredness' is not an excuse. If he's really suffering from chronic fatigue he should see a doctor. Ditto if he has erectile problems btw. But silence about something this personal is just not acceptable.

I'll just lob this one into the equation.... any chance that he's seeing someone else?

Roshbegosh · 08/12/2013 16:35

What was it like in the first few years? Hot? Lukewarm? Lots of sex or now and again? Who initiated it? Were the signs there all along?

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 16:40

i cant tell you how much it means just to have someone to talk to...

i dont think he is seeing anyone else he works in the family business not far from home. he has refused to go to the drs and just ignores me until i either stop asking or he walks away.

he is happy enough with the situation but im sure its harder to be in a relationship where your not wanted that be by yourself? our children are 4 and 5 im worried about the consequences if we split up. i cant explain how isolated i feel. i love my children and family but feel like im sacrificing myself as a person. does that make sense

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Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 16:42

roshbegosh - in the beginning we had a really active sex life. too active really but then we became 1st time parents and it slowed to what i thought was normal. but after the birth of our second child it just stopped

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untouchable · 08/12/2013 16:51

It won't change, 7 years and counting. Confidence shot. How long will you wait?

Roshbegosh · 08/12/2013 16:56

That is worrying as he has changed so dramatically. If he won't talk about it or see a doctor then you will have to look at what your options are that involve him not changing. You can't force him to change if he walks away when you try to talk.

You can stay as hausfrau and just accept companionship, have affairs, leave him and hope for happiness elsewhere.

The other thing is to look at your relationship besides the sex. Are you close? Trusting? Respectful of each other? Interested in each other's lives? Do you ever have fun together? Sex going off like this can often be a symptom of a bigger problem.

Or have you changed physically? When did you last get your hair done, wear make up etc?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 17:01

Ignoring, walking away or expecting you to shut up about it are not showing you any respect. This is an important subject and a loving, caring man would want to talk about it and/or fix the problem. So I'm not even seeing 'platonic friends' here. Just one person taking it for granted that, however much they reject the other person, they'll stick around, cleaning the house and providing the child-care services. That's a horrible imbalance, you're bound to feel unwanted, and your DCs, even though they are quite young, will eventually spot that their Mum and Dad don't relate to each other they way other kids' parents do.

Unless you think the man is completely asexual, he's getting something somewhere... porn habit, other woman, hookers.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:12

thank you for your responses, think your both right. - i havent changed much other than signs iv had children. im the same size i was when we met (16) and i do make an effort with my appearance. i dont know if im attractive anymore as i dont look for responses from anyone else. to be honest i have very low self esteem and would prefer to blend in. he doesnt make any effort to be attractive bu tthen never did really. to me he is attractive and i can still see the man i met 9 years ago. our closeness has gone and the respect has been replaced at times by a resentfulness on my part i guess. I become frustrated at times and hurt at others. i thought if i could accept the lack of intimacy it would be ok but i dont think i want to. we hardly ever have time together. when he comes home he is looking for pure escape the laptop the tv playstation etc. we

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Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 18:14

Or have you changed physically? When did you last get your hair done, wear make up etc?

Yep There it is Xmas Hmm

Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 18:16

17 years and counting.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:21

no i dont think i have changed physically and i still make an effort een if im not going out.

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Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 18:21

I believe that my husband is asexual because he has never been overly interested in sex, but I was so young and inexperienced when I met him that I didn’t have a great frame of reference. I can see people reading this and thinking “If he is asexual, surely he wouldn’t have had sex with you at the start of your relationship ? My reply would be that many gay men get married and have sex with women and the same is true of asexuals. A gay man hiding his sexuality from his wife and an asexual hiding his sexuality from his wife are two very similar situations. In both cases the man does not want to have sex with his wife.

Society seems to have no trouble believing that women don’t want sex, but they struggle to come to terms with the idea that a man might not want it. This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out. What woman is going to stick her head above the parapet and say “I live in a sexless marriage” and talk about it frankly and honestly in public. Actually, I can answer that “NONE”. And so women like me who live in sexless marriages continue to suffer in silence.

We feel that we cannot discuss the issue with anyone. We are made to feel that it is our fault. Magazine articles and books on the subject advise women to buy some sexy undies and make more effort with their appearance etc. Though it’s the man who doesn’t want sex, it is the women who are told to make more effort with their looks. If the situation is reversed and it is the woman who doesn’t want to make love, pressure is put on her (marital and societal) to go to the GP to see what is wrong.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:22

to darkesteyes do u regret the 17 years

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 18:25

I had an affair during that time The details are in the link Sometimes i cope Sometimes i dont Since doing regular excsersise ive found that shifting my focus has helped a bit.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:28

yes i think more exercise will definitely help with my frustration.

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Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:30

your right its a hard thing to admit as a woman i feel i must be lacking in some area.

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Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 18:30

I changed physically..,, lost a whopping TEN STONE and my dh STILL didnt want me sexually.
Blaming this on a womans changing physique is mysogynistic BULLSHIT

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:35

wow thats pretty amazing 10 stone. maybe he just got bored of being with me. is it natural to expect the interest to stay?

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Roshbegosh · 08/12/2013 18:40

Hey, no, I wasn't blaming that per se. I just meant that it could possibly be a factor if the vibrant single woman just did ponytail and leggings and didn't care anymore. In that sense she would not be the person he fell in love with but I was not intending to mean it was just the looks but also confidence, self esteem, being sexy, being too knackered for everything. It was one of several suggestions I made and not misogynist, just looking for what had changed that could have been a trigger for the sudden lack of intimacy. Still, you will interpret it how you like.

Roshbegosh · 08/12/2013 18:44

Also I asked right at the beginning what their relationship was like in the early days and the OP was clearly not married to a gay or asexual man. I was not so blunt with the question but that was what had occurred to me. Of course Kate Moss in her underwear wouldn't turn on a gay or asexual man so that would be nothing to do with the woman's appearance, it is a different scenario.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:52

its ok i knew what you meant. i dont dress up every day but i try to look nice and i wear make-up most of the time. he never notices anyway so it would make any difference.
he used to have a high sex drive with me but now nothing at all. we do kiss but as friends do there is no passion its more of a habit really.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 18:57

For as long as he refuses to talk to you, you'll never know the real reason. How can you? If you were a confident person you'd think 'his loss' and you'd be telling him to sling his hook. Because you've lost some confidence you're thinking 'what have I done?' Somehow you have to pin him down and make him - with threats if necessary - have the conversation you've both been avoiding.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 19:10

I will try to talk with him again.

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