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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my husband doesnt want me

15 replies

outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 14:40

ive been with my husband 10 years but since expecting our 2nd child 4 years ago we have hardly been intimate. i only came to terms with the fact he doesnt fancy me about a year ago. i feel such a mix of emotions and i have no idea what to do. he wont talk about it or acknowledge the situation. ive tried to accept a non intimate relationship but i really do miss being wanted. i dont want to break up our family but i dont want to be in a relationship where im not wanted other than to run the house deal with the kids etc. Am i being selfish? im 40

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 08/12/2013 14:45

OP you might be best getting this moved to relationships, you'll get some good advice there.

If he won't talk to you then he isn't willing to be an adult and face up to it, that must be awful.

Op you're young, and you deserve to be happy. You shouldn't have to stay . Better to have 2 parents living happily apart than 2 living miserably together

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 14:48

thank you, how do u move messages?

OP posts:
DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 08/12/2013 14:52

You click 'report' on your post and ask them in the box it provides. I've just done it for you x

Mia4 · 08/12/2013 14:54

You aren't being selfish at all OP. He sounds like he's burying the issue and deluding himself, that makes for very poor communication and unless he's willing to do something about it and meet you halfway then I can't see many other options then staying stagnant as you are or leaving.

Can you go to Relate yourself and get advice from them? Maybe they can help you make your DP see just how you are feeling, how it's affecting your relationship and how important communication is.

It's possible you can get through it by communicating. It may not be that he doesn't want to be intimate with you, he may no longer feel he is able to, for example.

Does he show you affection in other ways? Any other kind of intimacy going on? Cuddle, kissing, spooning etc.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 08/12/2013 14:58

Not selfish. Human. I'm sorry. You deserve to be loved, we all do. Hope it works out.

bochead · 08/12/2013 15:01

"There's no lonelier place on earth than amongst others"

Can you get the emotional support you need elsewhere from friends/family?

I'm NOT talking about a sexual fling as that would be horrid - more that sense of validation you get when a good mate tells you that you've done a fantastic job with kids over a cuppa at the kitchen table iyswim. Everyone needs to feel that their contribution is valued by someone, somewhere, noone is an island.

Do you and your partner share any common interests or hobbies that perhaps fell by the wayside while the kids where young and could now be rekindled?

Do you have the financial, emotional and childcare support to go it alone? As a single Mum I can say hand on heart that married friends often don't see just how much frantic paddling goes on under the surface, despite that organised front I present to world beyond my front door at times.

Agree relationships would be a big place to go.

MNHQ
AmyMumsnet · 08/12/2013 16:20

Hi there,

Thanks for your reports. OP, we've moved this thread to relationships for you.

PenguinDancer · 08/12/2013 16:41

Gosh that's really awful OP :(

It doesn't sound like there is much you can do. If he doesn't want you then accept the fact but you don't have to accept it as part of your life. In this situation I'm afraid I would leave. An unhappy marriage is not a great example for your kids anyway. Do you want to teach them that this is normal?

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 18:48

thank you for all your responses its so good to know im not going crazy.

OP posts:
SqueakyCleanLibertine · 08/12/2013 18:51

Definitely not crazy, or selfish :(

Maybe have a serious talk and tell him you can't go on like this, does he want to work on it or call it a day?

Can you really see the next 30/40 years being happy ones like this?

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 19:16

No I can't it makes me feel sick when I try to imagine our future. I never saw this coming but I know I can't ignore it. I have asked if he wants to call it A day before he said no but then nothing has changed. He knows I'm unhappy but he doesn't appear to b responding either. I feel he wants the problem to go away or for me to make the decision.

OP posts:
SqueakyCleanLibertine · 08/12/2013 19:45

Then, hard as it is you need to make that decision love, he's not willing to try, and is content to know your unhappy, do yourself a big favour and start to move on.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 19:56

thankyou

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 08/12/2013 19:58

I would try one more time to talk to him and say "Look, I dont know if you realise this but the lack of intimacy in our marriage is making me consider leaving you. I dont want to, I want us to stay together and be happy but I cant live in a sexless relationship. I want to resolve this and I cant do it alone. Are you willing to try too?" and explain that that may mean counselling or therapy.

You will know what to do depending on his response. And also you will know if he says the words but doesnt follow through with the actions.

Original poster
outofmymind73 · 08/12/2013 20:18

Your right. I think that we would need professional help due to the seriousness of the situation.

OP posts:
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