Husband suddenly gone cold ,wants to leave and threatens to take children

[Daydream007]

Husband has become increasingly abusive, controlling and aggressive towards me since having money worries and the stress of a new business. He has threatened to take the children from me when his business starts doing well and leave me with nothing. Since September we have spent less time together due to exhaustion of working long hours and a big commute,we don't see much of each other but when we do we are both too tired and stressed to talk properly.He shouts at me and causes arguments over nothing. I'm worried that this atmosphere is damaging to the children and all I want for them is a loving environment . He has told me he wants me out of their lives because I don't do enough for him. I do pretty much everything.I've stopped being physical with him because I have shut off from him emotionally so he can't hurt me. He has started to make things up about me and has said he wants to destroy me. How can someone change like this? He admitted depression years ago and he still is depressed but he has said that he doesn't want to see a doctor because it will go on his record.he is stressed and is using me to vent his frustrations . Advice please.

Earning power has nothing, nothing to do with who gets residence (it's not called custody these days, probably to distinguish it from being in prison!). The way he treats them sounds ghastly.

OP I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

Just know that he's full of it and there's no way he can take the children from you. As he earns more so the courts will deem him able to give you more maintenance. He isn't telling you the truth but is trying to bully you so you will give in. Stay strong, he won't win this one.

If possible try and document his comments and behaviour to you, keep a dairy and any abusive texts/voicemails/emails.

And get legal advice ASAP - CAB are a brilliant place to start and of course are free.

You're doing so well :)

so he is keeping you there with fear? shockingly bad behaviour.

What you going to do now - you can't live like this any more? Damaging for you and the children.

He fell out with my dad because my dad told him he couldn't help us financially any more .

*I now see my mum and he is ok with this because she helps with child care

You have got a full house on emotional abuse Bingo. He doesnt want anyone unless he perceives them as of use to him. You mum was cut off until she had something to offer that made his life easier, your dad was cut off when he didnt have something that made his life easier.

He is threatening you with taking the kids because he knows that he needs you to be the primary carer otherwise he cant get his business off the ground so he uses them to keep you in your place.

Contact WA and leave as fast as you can. Not only will your life improve beyond measure (as will your DC's. tell SS what he did and they would insist he is removed from their lives) but his will crumble.

Fuck him off NOW.

Also, dont know where you are posting from but remove your history from whatever device you are using. Dont save your usename or password for MN anywhere and always use private/icognito browsing.

Take care, we are here for you xx

I don't usually post on threads involving EA as I haven't any relevant experience so leave it to others wiser than me, but your post has scared me OP.

Can you please get yourself out of this awful situation. You need to ring WA whilst he is at work. They will help you.

Please make sure you delete your browsing history etc so he can't see any of this.

This behaviour isn't within the realms of normal. High earning power.... Well he's flipping welcome to it all, although goodness knows how he retains any staff or clients.

Run OP and don't look back....

Decent men who love their families don't behave like this, no matter how much stress they're under.
Your lives will only improve without him.

link to EA thread
You will finduseful links there in OP and lot of help, support and validation while you process all this. also recommending WA. And if you can get your hands on copy of Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that?'

Wishing you strength daydream as this is horribly tough and a lot to deal with...but it is survivable. you will get out the other side.

I note you say 'when he gets his business off the ground'
So he does not haveasucessful business just now? This is another abuser classic .they are always about to be something, about to be better than everyone else. but if that is the case then now is a good time to go while he does not have the money to throw legal process at you. (he wouldn't get sole custody of the kids but he can drag out the legal process longer if he has money).

I would not get entangled in worrying if he has an illness or depression etc. it is like worrying why a crocodile will kill you given half the chance. it doesn't matter why what matters is the danger. look after yourself and your dcs first.

The incident where he dragged the kids out of bed is also worth logging as that us shocking behaviour on his part.

He says I'm thick and useless.

I note you say 'when he gets his business off the ground'

I noticed that too. Funny isnt it that their lives are about to change and when they dont it is our fault?!

He woke your kids up and scared them?
Game over love!

Call WA and tell them what you've told us. Tell them that you need to get to safety, and that you need a place to go, and that he terrorises you and the children.

Go to a refuge, that will trigger legal aid (ithink) then he can piss off if he thinks he'll out-gun you legally.

The CSA will take from him what he should pay, so the more successful he is, the more money you get.

There are people and organisations that exists just to protect people like you, from people like him.

He can't do this to you a moment longer, please get the help you need. Log it with your GP, call the police when you leave if there's a risk he'd threaten you. You are thé only chance your babies have. Don't EVER let them be treated like that again by him.

He is abusive through and through. This is also learnt behaviour from one or even both his own parents. He has used all that tactics that abusers employ to isolate their victims (I include your children in that).

And do not wait until Christmas is over either, you need to make plans to leave now. Seek proper legal advice

Please call Womens Aid today; they can and will help you.

Women's Aid. Today. Tell them everything.

He isn't depressed and his behaviour is NOT irrational - it is carefully designed to isolate and manipulate you.

Stops your mum seeing you for a year after your baby is born - not remotely depressed or irrational, just totally self-serving and abusive.

None of the diagnostic criteria of depression are 'abuses other people'.

Hope you are ok today OP.

Re. legal aid- yes it should trigger LA for custody cases if you meet the means tested threshold.

I disagree with the PP in that I think this man may be depressed. He certainly sounds mentally unstable. That he prefers to abuse his family than seek medical help is unacceptable however and I echo the advice to put your safety and wellbeing uppermost OP, get all the advice and support you need from various agencies & legal sources, up to and including the police if necessary. If he is suffering from an illness, he's going to have to recover on his own time. Not at your expense.

((hugs)) What a dreadful way to live.

Please take all the good advice you can from here. And keep a note of everything he says/does in a safe place and if you can manage to, can you record him on your phone? I did with my Ex and to see the police officers eyebrows raise when I played it back to them was very reassuring because my Ex was excellent at appearing reasonable and nice. Huh!

Your H is bullying you.
Your H is bullying your children.
Your H is bullying your mother.
Your H is bullying your father.

Your H getting away with this because you are all allowing him too.

He is abusive, pathetic and not fit to share your home never mind your bed.

Seriously, send him out to the pub today and pack your stuff and go to your parents and really it is as easy as that when you are all being abused so much and your parents will welcome you all with open arms because they know what he is like.

Even Paul McCartney couldn't get more than 50:50 shared care.

Daydream: leave him.

He will never improve.

Of course you will get custody the the DCs.

Of course his business won't take off - but even if it did he won't get custody.

Talk to your parents and the leave him,
They will be relieved for you.

Best wishes to you and your DCs.

Fucking hell, you need to get away from this man :( he sound derranged, the way he treats you, your children and your parents is disgusting! You need to leave. Please do not stay out of fear. Get your children and go to your parents, they will look after you and breathe a big fucking sigh of relief

How long exactly have you been waiting for his business to 'take off'? Because it hasn't yet and it's just an empty threat isn't it?

When it hasn't taken off he doesn't have the money for those bigshot lawyers he's dreaming of, and when it has taken off he'll have to pay you more child support.

Bet he hasn't told you either of those scenarios, just gone with the threats?

Your thread nearly made me vomit. You are me as I was 15 years ago, in every detail - including the parental abuse. I lived through every single thing you just wrote. Those years are still scarred on me and my children.

But let me tell you this. One day I woke up and I did it. I found somewhere. I ran. I put everything I and my DC needed in the boot of an old car and I went somewhere. I walked out on every single thing. And my life began again. I never looked back.

15 years later, my children know everything I did for them and respect it. They have no contact with their father (by their own choice, they hold him in contempt). I have discovered what it means to be in a loving relationship. I have built an amazing career. I have 2 incredible, high achieving, scarred but now happy, DC. I bless every single day I live and love and flourish. Life is good.

Do it. For god's sake, do it. Find YOU.

Poor children. He is abusing them if he's awaking them at 3am to force them to tell you they would rather be with him.

You need to leave now with them.

Who knows what else he'll do next at 3 am.

Daydream I can't get this out of my head. It is so scarily like my former life. I can only beg you to go. I've never ever done this before, but you can PM me. I don't even know how to pick up a PM!!! But I will find out, if you want to contact me. OMG the waking up of children in the night... making them "choose" in some bizarre midnight power game... banning the father... everything. It's the same. I won't sleep tonight. Praying for you.

There is hope. There is a future. Go.

May I say again OP

DELETE EVERYTHING. Use in private/incognito browsing, set up a new email that you only use for MN and make sure the password is totally unconnected to anything in your life. Also, you can use a screen keyboard if he may have put in a key logger on your pc/laptop so it wont pick up your key strokes, takes longer but is safer.

For PC

Open On-Screen Keyboard by clicking the Start button Picture of the Start button, clicking All Programs, clicking Accessories, clicking Ease of Access, and then clicking On-Screen Keyboard.

I am not Mac savvy so I dont know about that but I am sure someone else will be along that can help you with that.

Take care, we are all with you x