Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had an affair

53 replies

changedmynameimashamed · 07/12/2013 20:15

Yes, I had an affair. More emotional than physical. No hand, blow, face jobs of any kind.

Sorry this is very long. . .

I met my Husband 8 years ago he swept me off my Feet, we got married and have 2 absolutely gorgeous children. One of each gender, have a beautiful home, nanny, cleaner, home help, Husband is paid well and we dont have financial issues.

My Husband goes out whenever he wants, receives text/e-mail messages from women. He goes out and has freedom. I however, gave up all males friends (my own choice), gave up successful work to be a Mother (which I now regret), am indoors most of the time, dont have the opportunity to go out as my Husband gets home at 9pm.

I rely on Wine 'O'Clock and joined an extra marital affairs website. I was invisible, ignored, unnoticed for 2.5 years. In my heart I believed my Husband didnt care about me at all. I got chatting to a man who is married, with children the same age as mine and was as sexually depraved as me. He filled a hole, was funny, sexual, affectionate, lovely and made me feel like a woman again.

My Husband suspected something and put software on my laptop & saw the randy conversations we had. We met up on 3 occasions and kissed, it was wonderful. He made me feel alive again. I want him now.

I dont want to leave my Husband however I cant stop thinking about the other man. My Husband frightened him off with a threatening e-mail about telling his Wife and contacting Divorce lawyers.

Please tell me what you think of my behaviour. I know I will get grilled here and in a way I want to be told how silly I am.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/12/2013 20:21

What's a face job?

Vivacia · 07/12/2013 20:22

"I dont want to leave my Husband"

Why not?

WipsGlitter · 07/12/2013 20:29

You sound bored, lonely and unhappy. You need to work out why this is.

ThePinkOcelot · 07/12/2013 20:31

You might not have a choice whether you want to leave your husband or not. He might decide to leave you!

Monetbyhimself · 07/12/2013 20:33

'Filled a hole'

'Snigger'

LivingWellNow · 07/12/2013 20:33

How will being told how silly you are help you? Shouldn't you be talking to your H about this?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 07/12/2013 20:40

Getting involved with someone else wasnt silly. From what you describe it was selfish, greedy, deceitful behaviour.

If you dont like your marriage do something about it. Talk to your husband. If you dont think he can or wants to change then leave. What makes you contemptible in my book is trying to have your cake and eat it.

cjel · 07/12/2013 20:41

How does your husband hope to make you happy rather than bully someone who does? I wouldn't find that attractive, if he now knows you are this unhappy what has he done to change that?

TheGinLushMinion · 07/12/2013 20:44

You need a very frank conversation with your husband. You also clearly either need to go back to work or get some sort of interest (other than married men) to fill your days.

Bit unclear as to why you would ditch male friends tbh-wtf is that about? Hmm

Fairenuff · 07/12/2013 20:53

Why don't you want to leave, you are obviously miserable.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 20:54

If you want to be wracked with guilt and have fingers wagged at you, I believe some churches offer very good confessional services Hmm Bottom line is that, at some point (and it's getting closer), you'll have to face the music. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, excitement or to feel valued. If your marriage isn't providing that, don't stick around pretending to be happy for the sake of something as shallow as money. Find the integrity to be honest and independent.

Bogeyface · 07/12/2013 21:00

While I dont and have never condoned affairs, I can see why you were so unhappy.

I am as mystified as others as to why you dont want this marriage to end. He lives his life as he likes but doesnt afford you that same luxury. You felt ignored, had no sex life and know that he has been having friendships with other women that may (or may not) be over stepping the mark.

Is it simply because you dont want to lose your lifestyle? If it is then I am afraid that the price for that lifestyle will be your happiness. You will pay every day and get more and more miserable.

Rather than him bullying and threatening this other man, you both should be talking. You both need to understand what led to this and what can be done to prevent it happening again, and that will have to include him stopping the emails/text etc. Are you absolutely sure that he hasnt had an affair himself?

LivingWellNow · 07/12/2013 21:03

I find the whole thing mystifying.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2013 21:19

I'm not surprised you're bored, what you need is a job and a role outside the home. You could retrain, find something you feel passionate about. If Madame Bovary had just found a vocation, that story could had ended very differently.

I think you need to get back all the friends you lost touch with (you say it was your own choice to ditch your male friends, why did you even have to make that choice?)

I highly suspect that none of this will be possible with your current husband, so you may need to get a new one.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 07/12/2013 21:19

If the wronged wife had contacted the OP, threatened to tell OP's husband and threatened divorce if this affair hadnt ended would that have been considered bullying?

It seems a bit much to me to be suggesting that the OP's husband has been having an affair, might as well say the same thing about lover boy's wife.

Both OP and this other bloke have behaved abysmally. If neither were happy in their relationships then they should have got out. Not tried to sneak around getting their jollies on the sly.

SomethingOnce · 07/12/2013 21:19

Did you mean depraved, or deprived?!

Monetbyhimself · 07/12/2013 21:28

I'm fairly sure he meant depraved.

LivingWellNow · 07/12/2013 21:36

Me too.

mrscynical · 07/12/2013 21:44

Why don't you start getting your CV together and finding out what you could do to get back into work. You have a nanny so it is all possible. It sounds as though you gave up your 'old' life when you got married and had children and are now bored silly. You should not be drinking and chatting up married men but I feel you already know that but do not know what else to do.

Concentrate on getting back into work. You will then have colleagues to socialise with and have a bit more confidence in yourself to either talk to your husband and get the married back to what it should be or, if it's not right, to decide to end it as amicably as possible.

You are luckier than most (financially) and you know that what you are up to is not doing you or your children any good. Arrange to see a professional and start working towards what you KNOW is best for you and your family.

TwerkingNineToFive · 07/12/2013 21:47

What you've described is a fare reason to leave a relationship not to have an affair.
What woud you tell your daughter to do if she is in your position in the future? I'm sure you wouldn't say go on some seedy website for a cheap thrill.

Bogeyface · 07/12/2013 23:28

worry If the OP had come on here and said "I go out when I want, refuse sex with DH and he gave up his career so I can live my life as I like, and now the bastard has had an affair" I would reply with "I am not surprised!"

As I said above, I dont condone affairs. Dont cheat, leave. But...as I say, I wouldnt be at all surprised if a man had cheated in those circumstances.

What I cant quite work out is why someone so patently unhappy in their relationship doesnt want to end it. I can only assume it is lifestyle related which is very sad. Not for the OP, she can make her choices for herself, I feel sorry for her children. They dont get a choice and I cant imagine that growing up with a father they rarely see thanks to his job and social life and a miserable mother who will sell her happiness for domestic staff will be any good for them. They will both cheat over the years and end up hating each other, and be the proud parents of seriously fucked up kids who have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like.

Robfordscrack · 08/12/2013 01:06

no Op, what you had is a cry for attention. were you meaning to get caught? I suggest you stay away from this other person and enter into counselling with your husband. he has rightly sent an email telling this person to back off, he obviously does think you are worth fighting for. someone who didn't would have shown you the door.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 08/12/2013 08:51

I can only assume it is lifestyle related which is very sad.

It just seems so cowardly and greedy to me.

Joysmum · 08/12/2013 08:54

A marriage us a partnership. If your life isn't working for you in that partnership you work through it with your partner so you can be fulfilled.

If you don't want to do that you leave.

If your husband knows you are unhappy and doesn't want you to change the things to enable you be fulfilled you leave.

What is a huge no no is going behind a partners back and doing things they wouldn't agree with to please yourself. The moment you put your own wants before your partners needs then you are completely disregarding their feelings and take away their choices about what they want from the marriage.

Either stay and work through things to make it work if you are both willing to make changes, or leave. Cheating shows the ultimate disrespect for your marriage and your husband.

changedmynameimashamed · 09/12/2013 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Swipe left for the next trending thread