Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH don't trust me

51 replies

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 17:33

I don't know what I have to do in order for him to.

Any tips will really help.

We have been together 10 years, married for 2. Have 2 children together.

The only places I go is work, family members and the school run. Very rare I go out with friends.

I have never told him lies and the only secrets are gift wise.

I don't hide my phone and there is no password on my phone when at home only when I am out and he knows the password. He knows all my email account details. Nothing is a secret.

OP posts:
IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 07/12/2013 17:37

So he tells you he doesn't trust you? Does he stop you from going out, seeing friends or family?

cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 17:38

How is he demonstrating that he doesn't trust you, Forty ? And how long has this been going on for?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 17:39

He doesn't but the next day I end up feeling guilty because of it.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 17:40

If you're 'feeling guilty' then there's something not right. What is he doing or saying?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 17:40

I have to say over a year.

Last Christmas he accused me of cheating and we had a very heated argument.

It seems like every time I go out.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 17:42

He basically says that I make him feel suspicious.

I will say I be home but 11, but as it's not often I do go out I tend to let the time run away, so don't come home till later than that.

He ask me repeatly where was I from 11-2 which I answer the same every time.

OP posts:
BohemianGirl · 07/12/2013 17:50

Why is he insecure? previous relationship? parental relationship? is he just a bit iffy about the time?

TBH if hes working an you are at home all day - you could be shagging the milkman, postman, bloke in the corner shop and he woudlnt know - so getting merry with your girlfriends once a year and being late home isnt going to make you play away from home.

On the other hand, living with a neurotic, jealous, fuckwit would make me look to other avenues.

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 17:57

It's getting to the point that I don't want to go out, it's not worth the hassle.

I don't want to split up over a few drinks, to brake my little family up in order to go out.

But I feel if there is not trust there isn't much of a relationship, I refuse to live the rest of my life on egg shells.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2013 18:02

When did this all start, when he accused you of cheating or perhaps even before then?.

That's likely what he wants; for you not to go out. Its controlling behaviour on his part and controlling behaviour like he is showing you (he is perhaps all sweetness and light to the outside world) is abusive behaviour.

This man probably wants you in a cage of his own making.

He's already got you modifying your own behaviour and second guessing yourself. You are already living your life on eggshells which is really code for living in fear.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.

flippingebay · 07/12/2013 18:09

And I bet you don't go out with friends because he doesn't trust you? Too much hassle to see friends as he doesn't trust you?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 18:09

I want him to trust me, to go back before all this bullshit started.

It took a lot for me to make new friends, reconnect with old friends and to start going out again after battling depression and body issues

OP posts:
flippingebay · 07/12/2013 18:10

It's not that he doesn't trust you.. It's a way of controlling you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 18:11

This sounds like classic emotional bullying. Insecure, man whistles up some alleged 'offence' - in your case being unfaithful - and then uses it as a stick to keep you nicely nervous, eager to please and then under control. Very glad you're refusing to kow-tow to this rubbish. Tell him to grow up or push off.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 18:13

If you've overcome depression and body issues that makes a lot of sense. He probably liked you being dependent, vulnerable and lacking in confidence - bullies often do. If he finds a strong, happy, sociable you a big threat that's really unhealthy behaviour.

gamerchick · 07/12/2013 18:16

Do not under any circumstance stop going out to keep the peace. This is his issue, don't make it yours.

Tell him to grow up I totally agree with pp and if he doesn't seek help for his issue then to stfu about it.

It'll end up killing your relationship and he needs to know that.

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 18:30

I will not stay in to pacify him.

I am going out on 20th on a works night out, I am looking forward to it.

I am thinking of relate or couple kind of counselling.

I wish he would talk to me.

Why is it the person who you love the most can hurt you the worst.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 18:35

If you suggested couples counselling, what response do you think you'd get? Be honest. You are working from the belief that if he understood you better, he'd trust you more. Sadly, if you are being subjected to emotional bullying, he has zero interest in understanding or trusting. He thinks he has every right to stop you going out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 18:36

Of course, there is another explanation. Very common for those having affairs to try to divert attention by accusing their partners instead.....

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 07/12/2013 18:46

Woah at the passive aggressive shit

And yh yh to what cogito says. I was accused of all sorts then found out it was him and numerous women.. Appears they like to divert your attention away from them or judge you by their own standards Hmm

headdesk · 07/12/2013 18:47

I could have written this myself. I have no advice because I'm trying to sort it out too.
Too much hassel to go out so I never bothered. But since I started uni it's been 100 x worse. We argue every day about it because apparently we never see each other. I go out maybe once a week, max 2 times, always have to be picked up by 12 or he gets stroppy, I'm never allowed to make my own way home, if I don't reply to texts then I get questioned about it non stop. I get quizzed when I get home 'who was there' 'what did you do' etc all with the pretence that he's just interested but I know him better than that.

Sorry went on my own little rant there. I really hope you sort it!

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 18:56

Welcome to the thread headdesk, hope together we will get it sorted.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 20:17

I just don't know how my perfect little life has came to this.

I am heart broken, can't stop crying and having heart palpations.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 20:32

You said it's been a year or so since he started this. Is there any significance to that timing? eg anything happened around then?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 20:35

I don't know, my head hurts from thinking over and over.

OP posts:
AnUnearthlyChild · 07/12/2013 20:43

Remember.

Its not you.

Its him.

Do Not. Do Not capitulate and stay in. Because he will look for the next part of you to kill off. And the next. Until there is no one left of you.