Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH don't trust me

51 replies

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 17:33

I don't know what I have to do in order for him to.

Any tips will really help.

We have been together 10 years, married for 2. Have 2 children together.

The only places I go is work, family members and the school run. Very rare I go out with friends.

I have never told him lies and the only secrets are gift wise.

I don't hide my phone and there is no password on my phone when at home only when I am out and he knows the password. He knows all my email account details. Nothing is a secret.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 20:48

Lots of people here who have been somewhere near where you are, Forty. It's very hard at the beginning of changes.

Where is he now?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 21:57

He has just came home.

Getting somewhere, it seems like every one of his ex has cheated on him.

For the first time ever I have cried in front of him.

He is not sure about counselling.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/12/2013 22:02

Was he out at work or socializing/something else?

Has he been married before or was that other people he had relationships with?

Halfrek · 07/12/2013 22:34

You say you sometimes go out and come home later than you say.

TBH, that might upset me, how often has this happened, have you let him know you will be late? Text him?

Its not right that he is making you feel as though you can't go out but I can see where he is coming from if you have regularly been going missing for hours.

Should be easy enough to sort out though if he has full access to everything and it isn't very often. Maybe go to couples counselling.

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 07/12/2013 22:57

Maybe I go out once or twice a year.

I don't call or text because I take a cheapy payg phone just for emergency never got any credit on there.

OP posts:
TreaterAnita · 07/12/2013 23:19

What happens when he goes out OP? Does he come home when he tells you he will, or is he sometimes late too?!

Anniegetyourgun · 08/12/2013 00:05

I've only ever had one boyfriend in my life, and I married him. For 23 years he accused me of cheating on him, of planning to cheat on him, of possibly going to cheat on him... in the end I had a bit of a breakdown and tried to have an affair (but didn't actually have one). And then I left him. He never, never learned to trust me. Or perhaps, I wonder now, he did trust me but liked to keep me on the defensive.

I wonder whether every partner your DH had before really did cheat on him, or whether he's paranoid, or simply making it up.

BillyBanter · 08/12/2013 00:09

You said you had been battling depression and rebuilding your life and social life. Is there any correlation there with you gaining more confidence and life outside family and his not trusting you?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/12/2013 01:14

He never goes out, tonight he went for a drive.

If he was late I wouldn't notice as I would be in bed asleep.

I hope not billybanter, it taken me a lot to build this confidence

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 02:12

Every one of his exes has cheated on him? sorry but i also think hes making it up so as not to take responsibility for his own behaviour and abuse towards you.

Joysmum · 08/12/2013 08:31

Or it could just be that he's very frightened as exes have cheated on him. That would be perfectly natural. Nobody on here could know from what you've written, what his motives are (and that means me too).

In my case, I'm so glad my hubby is understanding with me because if my past history. I'm not trying to be controlling, not playing games, there's nothing sinister in how my fears manifest themselves, I just find it hard sometimes thanks to my own insecurities which are nothing to do with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 09:03

What a pile of crap. If all his exes really had cheated on him (which i seriously doubt) maybe - just maybe - it's because he's a miserable bugger that thinks women should never leave the house, and they walk out on him because they can't stand the restriction.

You've been together 10 years. If he was telling the truth you'd have known this before now. Sorry, it's all too much of a coincidence. He chose you because you were insecure and manageable. You gain confidence, go out twice a year Hmm and suddenly you get this sob-story?

Please dry your tears OP. He's manipulating you.

MissScatterbrain · 08/12/2013 09:07

Deflection? Could he be cheating?

Branleuse · 08/12/2013 09:14

when usually mean start getting paranoid about their partner cheating out of the blue, its because theyve done something themselves

Hissy · 08/12/2013 09:44

He went for a drive? Is that usual? How long? Where'd he say he went?

This could be emotional bullying, could be an affair and his deflection. Could be both.

One thing it's not: it's not right.

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/12/2013 15:44

He only goes for a drive when he needs to think.

I don't think he is controlling, I think it may have been to do with the past.

After a long talk we are going to enquire about counselling.

I have told him I will not be prepared to stay in to pacify him and that if he thinks so low of me then the relationship will not work.

He has apologised and has said that in his heart he don't think I would cheat on him. It's just that he is a bit insucure.

OP posts:
Pollydon · 08/12/2013 16:14

Sweetheart, he is controlling you.
You have done nothing wrong.
I was out last night ( meal with friends, drinks after), no problem. Will be out at works do in a couple of weeks, no problem.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/12/2013 16:30

Glad he's apologised.... for now. But don't let him off the hook so easily and judge him by his actions rather than some easy sorrys that mean nothing. If he's insecure it's 100% his problem, not yours.

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/12/2013 18:36

Thank you for all the help.

I didn't even realise that this could be a big problem, until reading this thread.

It has made me so angry at him, why do this now after 9 lovely years together.

I agree it's his problem and he has 2 choices. he can accept the women he married and all my faults or he can leave the relationship.

i refuse to live on egg shells

OP posts:
Jebus · 08/12/2013 18:37

I had this exact behaviour off my ex it is very controlling and will have you walking on eggshells with his insecurities do not put up with it and defer to him in anyway,I also believe he may be projecting.
He has either cheated in the past on others and his judging you by his actions or he is not faithful to you.

In my current relationship when I go out I do not state a time I will be back if on a night out ,as well I don't know how much fun I'm going to have so don't set a time limit on it.
My dp does not question my where a bouts when I roll in at 3-4am that is normal.

I suggest in future you do not set a time you will be back,be vague even.
You should have your phone topped up anyway but txt when you know your heading back for sure and when you are heading back,just for safeties sake.

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/12/2013 22:40

I just hope we can get this sorted.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2013 23:00

Why a year ago?

Could he be cheating?

Darkesteyes · 08/12/2013 23:03

Cogito nails it at 9.03

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 08/12/2013 23:15

I thought it was sorted a year ago. Nothing got mentioned until when i started this thread.

I don't think he is cheating, he don't go out, no suspicious behavior.

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 09/12/2013 08:22

But you said he goes out for a drive? Who does that nowadays with the price of fuel being high?

Also lots of people cheat during work hours - lunchtimes, half days, fake seminars/conferences etc.