Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said "I dont need you"

32 replies

SupermansGirl · 07/12/2013 11:47

So I'm rather emotional right now...iv had an argument with DP and Im 37weeks pregnant.

He said "don't think I need you" and then "your not anyone special".

I am gob smacked he has never in our 4 year relationship said this. I walked away and i haven't seen him since which was 2 days ago.

I want to send him a text to see where i stand i don't want to see him or speak to him on the phone. I am terrible at talking to him in an argument any help suggestions please...

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/12/2013 11:52

I wouldn't text him. I would think about what I wanted and where I wanted to stand.

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 11:54

So sorry. What's the relationship like generally? What was the background to him saying this to you? Have you talked to. Friend in rl? Is someone looking after you? At 37 weeks pg you need some tlc!!!

Original poster
SupermansGirl · 07/12/2013 11:54

Thats my big downfall...I am so insecure and have no will power when it comes to him. I know many people will say he's horrible and to leave him but I really don't think i can.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 11:54

Has he flounced off and gone no contact before?

Vivacia · 07/12/2013 11:55

Yep, what are you personal circumstances in terms of living arrangements, finances and support from friends and family.

Was it normal in your relationship to talk about things such as needing each other and the other being special?

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 11:55

Well I don't think you should leave him if this is a one off reaction to something but if this is pretty common and the relationship isn't equal I think you need to rethink.

Original poster
SupermansGirl · 07/12/2013 11:56

Relationship was perfect before pregnant...we are young and iv given up my dreams including a great job to have this baby because we both wanted it. This argument was all because I said I don't feel happy at the moment with my life.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/12/2013 11:57

"I know many people will say he's horrible and to leave him but I really don't think i can."

Well, I don't think what you've said so far is necessarily LTB territory, but I'm not sure you've got a choice of whether to leave him or not. It sounds as though he's left you. Or has he a history of walking out (and then coming back on his terms)?

Vivacia · 07/12/2013 11:58

"This argument was all because I said I don't feel happy at the moment with my life." perhaps he took it personally? Perhaps he feels the same and it hit too close to home? I'm not saying that excuses him walking out for two days though - that's not an adult way to behave is it?

Original poster
SupermansGirl · 07/12/2013 12:00

If I was to say lets stop arguing he will straight away but then he will just say something again like this next time. Im beginning to think he just doesn't care about me or the baby anymore. And he's gone off me which is heartbreaking when you love someone so much. Im at my mums at the moment and he is at his we were due to move into our flat together in feb. I am not working I had no choice but to leave my job as I work in travel and cannot travel the world with a new born baby...

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 12:00

Does he normally call the shots? Do you feel he has more say, more control? Or is it pretty equal?

Have you got somebody to be with at the mo? Your mum? As hard as it is I wouldn't text him, I'd get on with my own stuff and wait for him to come back and discuss things properly.

What was is you were unhappy with?

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 12:02

X post, sorry.

Glad you're at home with your mum. What do you mean he's gone off you? Lack if affection? How often do you see each other usually? Is 2 days normal? How old are you both if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster
SupermansGirl · 07/12/2013 12:05

He has more control...but thats my own fault iv let it get like that which is why I find it hard.

Im unhappy because I don't do anything at the moment I sit at home cleaning everyday. I left my job, i lost people i thought were my friends. I have my family and him and the baby. Just starting to feel really fed up maybe things will be different when baby is here? Im so excited to meet my bundle of joy.

OP posts:
Original poster
SupermansGirl · 07/12/2013 12:07

Im 20 and he is 22, we never see each other now. Once a week if we are lucky. I understand he is working as much as he can for the baby but he doesn't ever ask me to see him i always have to mention it.

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 07/12/2013 12:12

Can I ask how old you both are? Maybe it's a pressure thing with the baby being so imminent. You need some stability though.

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 12:12

Yes, focus on the baby. Congratulations by the way.

Either way, with it without him you are going to be a mummy and that's very exciting. Have you spoken to your mum about all this- don't bottle it up.

It's pretty normal to feel down in the dumps at the end of pregnancy. Things with friends, work etc will pick up in time. Your baby won't be small for ever. Can you find work in another field once baby is older?

If you feel like he has more control them its time to take it back. When you talk, tell him that you need him to be more supportive, that you would like to spend more time together if possible and you need him to be honest about what he wants. If he really thinks you're not special and keeps disappearing, I think you'd be better on your own. You can't be with someone who makes you feel like this.

scottishmummy · 07/12/2013 12:12

It depends if it was said cruelly for impact in argument or you think he means it
I worry about your emphasis on giving things up for him,be careful you don't resent it
Healthy relationships aren't a giving things up competition.is mutual negotiation

SirRaymondClench · 07/12/2013 12:13

x post sorry

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 12:15

That's a pretty horrible thing to say to someone & a two day silence makes it even worse. If he doesn't want to be around you, and he's unpleasant when you see him, I would not bank on things getting magically better when the baby arrives. To be honest, I would interpret his words and behaviour as the relationship being over. He's moved on. Make a life for yourself and your new baby, get a new job in due course and be with your family and people who actually like you and think you are special. Not this idiot.

Joysmum · 07/12/2013 12:16

I think you have the title of this thread wrong. Neither of you actually NEED each other, the question is whether you want each other?

He told you you're not special. That's the real issue here.

You may not have your baby's father in your life but you will have a beautiful baby to love and raise. These are exciting times for you, even if you are feeling dreadful right now. Good luck for everything xx

scottishmummy · 07/12/2013 12:17

Not one,but later you need to work on your self esteem and not be inclined to give up things fir men

mammadiggingdeep · 07/12/2013 12:18

Scottishmummy- she didn't give the job up for her boyfriend, as I understand it, it's because she's having a baby.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/12/2013 12:18

He is working as much as he can for the baby? Or is burying himself in work to avoid the responsibility? Hmm

This is not good behaviour, but some people are still very emotionally immature at 22. He may learn. He'd better do it quickly though, as his child will be here shortly and his support will be very useful. I would say needed, but you will manage without him if it does come to that, however much you may believe you can't.

scottishmummy · 07/12/2013 12:20

Let the me know things are bit rough and they can let you knowif groups for mums,events etc
Try keep calm.prioritise you and baby
Deal with him later

wannaBe · 07/12/2013 12:38

This is going to sound blunt but....

It sounds as if you weren't at the right place in your relationship to be considering having a baby tbh. Very young, not yet living together and you still living with your parents isn't the ideal situation to plan a pregnancy (and from what you've said it sounds as if the pregnancy was planned.) And having given up your job because the work you do isn't condusive to being pregnant you've suddenly discovered that you're in a different place to all of your friends who aren't yet ready to be considering babies but who are also still out there working while you're not and don't yet have your baby to focus on. And it sounds as if your dp has come to the realisation that having a baby is going to be about not going out with friends and having to work all the hours god sends in order to support the both of you. And at 22 that may well have come as a huge shock to the system, but one which has been easier to deal with by the fact you don't live together, thus giving him the escape he has wanted.

I wouldn't hold off contacting him. We can all say horrible things in the course of an argument, but if he's not normally this reactive then I would put it down to pre baby emotions, which it sounds there are in abundance on both sides. But at the end of the day he is this baby's father, and if your relationship is usually close then you need to work out where you are and where you're going.

Call him, ask him to come over so that you can talk. explain to him how you're feeling, and how having given up work is making you feel. In truth having a baby is a bit like that. You end up at home with the baby and don't get time to see your friends or go out any more, the difference here is that you've done this all before the baby is born and so don't have your lovely baby yet to help absorb the loss of identity. But also be open to listening to what he has to say. Having a baby is difficult for men as well, and he needs to be able to acknowledge what he is feeling too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread