Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DP, OW, our house and my rubbish 8 months

40 replies

walkingthedogs · 06/12/2013 17:44

first time posting but have read many posts and replies and hope someone can hold my hand for a while
DP of 16 years started down the mental abuse road in april, we had brought a house 8 months prior so let it go over my head as I thought the stress of gutting it and his work were to blame. One night down the pub someone told me a woman who has been married 3 times and has had a number of affairs was sniffing round my DP, totally dismissed it as he also knew of her bad name and I trusted him 100% because he is just so nice. told him my concerns about her to which he replied "I wouldn't go near that, she takes every bloke for what she can get then moves onto the next". Another 2 months of mental abuse and then her husband who she had split with messages me to say my DP and her had been meeting up in a woodland carpark (classy), asked DP about it and he said she was in a bad place and needed someone to talk to as she has no girlfriends, I fell for it as he is (was) a nice bloke but told him to stop, which he said he would.
His car then gets spray painted all over with the words c**t, I had a friend that had a fluid to get it off and spent 2 hours helping DP to rid it, asked who would do such a thing and he said OW husband thinks they are having an affair which they are not...again believed him. Every time I mentioned OW or her husband the abuse got worse, sat him down one night and asked why he was so horrid to me, he then said he thought he was having a breakdown. We then thought the best thing was for me to move out for a few weeks as walls were being removed in the house, so I did with the 2 dogs (no children), I spent a lot of time going back to our house though, one Friday I said I would be round and he said no as he was doing diy....but I did.
There she was sat on the sofa with a glass of wine and all he could say was "about time you 2 met" WTF....I asked if they were having an affair and he said nothing but she said with a smile on her face "shut up and go away, he has made his choice and its not to be with you" only reason I didn't slap her one was because she was sat next to my prized marine tank. She sat there while I was asking him questions and didn't move, he gave me no answers and still have none today. I still go round the house most days as I have a couple of hours between work and its easier, but she leaves little trinkets of hers for me to find...hair in the shower, her toothbrush left on sink, hairgrips on the sofa etc he tries to clear all evidence but she is a pro at this.
Fast forward to today, I am in a rented house that I am paying for out my savings that was meant for work on the house, the rent is more than I earn as my work is part time because of our dogs. DP has said he will buy me out of the house but will only give me the £50,000 I put in plus £10,000 compensation...hell no..i am on the deeds as joint owner, the house is worth £350,000+ and he has another house that he rents out, our mortgage is only £50,000. He has said he will see me in court and he will never sell.....trouble is I see past all the bad points and just remember our good times before april...I was a very strong woman (12 years in the forces helped) and am now just a mess.
am going to sound weak but I still love him..alot more has happened but have just put the basics

OP posts:

TeenyW123 · 06/12/2013 18:08

Walking

How in earth can you say you love him after the massive dump he's done on you? Where is your self respect? He checked out of your relationship a long time ago, as with hindsight I'm sure you can tell. You say the bad time started in April, so that's 8 months ago! What you are in love with is the idea of the lovely guy you knew before he started messing about, but as you have found out that person doesn't exist.

As for the house, if you're jointly on the deeds, get yourself to a good solicitor pdq before he dumps some more on you. You are entitled to half the value.

Teeny

Vivacia · 06/12/2013 18:40

This man is going to walk all over you - all over your self respect, your finances... all over you. And they're both going to be laughing at you as he does it. Get legal advice as soon as possible

DidyouseeEthel · 06/12/2013 18:56

When fighting for your share of the house and all assets from the marriage, imagine it's her, not him, you're fighting with - because you are - especially if she has form for taking other men 'for all that she can get'. Imagine that smile while she told you to shut up, and go see a solicitor to claim (from ow) what is rightfully and legally yours.

Original poster

walkingthedogs · 06/12/2013 19:50

We are not married so the only hold I have over him is the house, and I only found out the truth about them just over a month ago when I caught them both together. Have just taken myself off somewhere quiet to try and convince myself of the man he is and not what he was, still raw but reading other posts and replies I know things will get better

OP posts:

Vivacia · 06/12/2013 19:55

Don't make this about "holds over him". Make this about you, your happiness and future.

RatherBeRiding · 06/12/2013 20:40

You need to see a good solicitor asap as other posters have said. The fact that you're not married is irrelevant as you are joint owners. You might be able to force a sale but you'd need legal advice on that one.

And as for still loving him - really? After he's lied to you, humiliated you, cheated on you and generally been a sleazy slimeball?

You don't need him. Get rid fast. Remove all your stuff from the house, tell me that he and his slapper are welcome to each other and you want half the house and he'll be hearing from your solicitor in due course.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 06/12/2013 22:12

Find a way to stop loving him and fast, get angry then get even.
I've never said this before but take him for everything you're entitled to - fuck his offer of compensation.
Get yourself a solicitor, if you haven't already.
Why would you even want him to so much as clean your shoes after he's lied and cheated. He's a bastard.

skyeskyeskye · 06/12/2013 23:31

My solicitor advised me that if you are on the deeds 50/50 then that's the starting point for dividing marital assets. It doesn't matter how much you put into the house initially.

Get some good legal advice and ignore his comments.

SinisterSal · 07/12/2013 00:00

think of it this way - get a solicitor and get your share, otherise she will reap the rewards of your hard work and investment.

later you will see she is irrelevent in all this and he is the one who let you down. But at least by then you will have whats yours and the fight ill be over and you can move on

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 07/12/2013 00:07

Oh my word what an absolute twat he is. It still shocks me how despicably people can treat others.

Get a solicitor QUICKLY and get what it yours.

He has shown no consideration towards you, he probably thinks he's the cat that has got the cream with his new woman and your house.

str8tothepoint · 07/12/2013 07:01

Fucking tear the bastard down what a vile disgusting person. Take him for everything he deserves nothing at all and in fact I'd move back in the house after all your on the deeds and he has no control over you. Why should you struggle while that scum is happy as larry. What a awful person he is just scum.

davidtennantsmistress · 07/12/2013 07:09

Hang on your house, why are you in rented, you have as much right to be there as he does!

Bloody cheek!

Sunshinelaulau · 07/12/2013 07:18

If u really believe that there is something to save then u need to fleece the bastard!! Before she does at least then u'll both have something left when u get back together... However I don't think personally that u should get back together and u should just fleece him anyway... Try and find out which lawyer she usually uses from one of her many exes too... Good luck op x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/12/2013 07:26

Echoing the other advice to get legal advice very urgently. How you deal with the betrayal and sadness of being replaced is a personal matter but, in the meantime, you can and should fight for your financial interest. Best of luck

CerealKillerMom · 07/12/2013 07:56

www.lawsociety.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

You are grieving for what was. Please get some advice before you use up all your savings.

Have you thought about moving back in? You could come to an agreement about space sharing and at least it would help you financially.

tribpot · 07/12/2013 08:09

This guy is a lowlife piece of shit, and I suspect he always was. Being 'nice' apparently covers a multitude of sins.

I think you need to get yourself back into full-time employment. Were the dogs a joint purchase, were they yours from before the relationship, or his?

Fight the fucker for every penny you are owed. He's going to be sucked dry by the black widow, so protect your capital now before it's gone. This is a straight up money problem - there is no relationship any more.

haveyourselfashandy · 07/12/2013 15:07

You need to move back into that house.please think seriously about this,that house is as much yours as his.MOVE BACK IN.Then get a shit hot solicitor and get what is yours.

IDontDoIroning · 07/12/2013 15:12

If you own it 50 50 then you have as much right to live there as he does.
If you aren't living there then he owes you rent for living in his half.
Instruct a solicitor to get what is rightfully yours.

CarryOnDancing · 07/12/2013 16:48

What a disgusting man he his!!
Your self esteem is obviously at rock bottom for you to be finding her things in YOUR house and to still be contemplating positive thoughts about this man.

Please forget about keeping any hold over him and plan the fastest escape route possible.
You invested your heart, mind and money in this relationship-you need to leave with all of it. Please don't let him keep any part of you-it's time to claim it back. Get a solicitor and hold your head up. You are better than him, you certainly don't need him and life can only improve when he's out of it.

He's not a prize so don't even think about trying to compete with this woman. You are lucky you've seen his true colours before investing anymore in your life together.
The relationship is over, your head knows it but your heart won't let you admit it yet as you are still pining for what was as the concept of a loving, trusting relationship. This man has proven that dream can't exist with him.

Please, please, get YOUR money and run away from him as fast as you can!!!

Original poster

walkingthedogs · 07/12/2013 21:54

sorry, but have only limited access to internet so its a hit and miss...have read all replies and have taken everything you have said in, sometimes you need to see it in black and white from people who you don't know, to make the biggest impact on your life...the first reply from teeny made me think, and the last from COD made me realise...whenever I get a "down" moment I will read the comments above and know what a complete arse he now is...saw him today as he wanted the dogs for the night and for the first time, I didn't try to have a nice convo with him, instead I handed them over and left...am trying for the "NC" route (apart from dogs) but the longest I have gone is 3 days before I crumble

OP posts:

tribpot · 07/12/2013 22:12

Hopefully the fact he is trying to fuck you over financially, as well as emotionally, will give you some motivation. I hope so, for your sake.

Did you take the dogs to him? Why couldn't he fetch them from you?

Original poster

walkingthedogs · 17/12/2013 20:42

have told ex dp that I will be moving back into our home after my tenancy ends on this property, I have spent £5500 of my savings for him to have an easy life with her, he is still in our home (although he says our house, his home) I paid for all furniture, carpets, right down to knives and forks etc and its all still there as I only took the basics because when I left I thought it was just for a short while and we agreed I would be back once he got better...great ploy.
I do try to go down the nc route but I know that is what he wants, I now go round to the house every day to do my washing etc and I also know it winds him up to know I can, he has gone down the route of saying that he will change the locks but have told him he must give me a spare set otherwise he is breaking the law, tried to take my car off me so I cant work, told him he cant as my name is on the log, and then threatened to throw my sister out of his other home that he rents to her before Christmas, told him he has to give her 2 months notice...got to give it to him as he is trying...bless

OP posts:

Sleepyhoglet · 17/12/2013 23:22

Bastard. Know your rights and stick to them.

43percentburnt · 18/12/2013 13:35

Speak to several solicitors for free 30 mins, write down everything you want to ask and their answers. Choose the one you are comfy with.

Dig out all receipts for what you have paid for. Keep safe with a friend, away from him. Bank statements and actual receipts. Write everything down.

Check that any notice your sister is given is legal, lots of advice on here when her notice is served, apparently it has to be given on a certain day based on when rent is due or tenancy was signed, quite complicated. So make sure she is treated fairly.

Get angry and channel your anger. He won't play fair so find out what you are legally entitled to.

You can usually 'force a sale' speak to the solicitor. So he may think he isn't moving, however if he cannot afford to buy you out he may well be moving.

jasmine3663 · 18/12/2013 14:16

Tell HIM to see a solicitor - when he finds out how wrong he is he may start to act properly re assets. Also - make sure your sister sees a solicitor or Shelter so that she is not bullied out of her home.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread