do i want too much?

[dryroasted]

i get very annoyed and irritated with dh sometimes over various issues but also know that he can also be very helpful and loving.should i just accept these issues (after all there' only so much about a person you can change!) and be grateful for what i have?

His bad points are :

-very defensive if i'm annoyed with him and gets very shouty and sometimes says nasty things to me

• bit too accepting of things that aren't right (vfedup's post could easily have been mine!)
• can be very quiet /grumpy and doesn't keep in touch with old friends or make new ones , although happy to come out with my friends

good points are:

• does alot for dd,some night feeds etc, even in the week sometimes when he has work if i need to catch up on sleep
• gives me a massage most nights!
• does some of housework
• earns a good salary &not at all mean with money and happy for me not to go back to work
• up side of last of bad points is he doesn't down the pubs with the lads

be grateful for some opinions please!!

I guess it depends how often and to what extent his bad points irritate you. If the shouting/grumpiness was happening on a daily basis then I'd see that as a problem, whereas if it's occasional then perhaps not ...

not shouting/gruminess not on daily basis at all. shouting has been worse the last few weeks as we've been arguing alot recently (think adjustments we're making with having 3 mnoth babyhave been making us both more irrtable!) But not grumping/ shouting not a daily occurrence

He sounds like a home-body. Rather like my dh - and I do find it frustrating that he seems so self-sufficient, has no interest in making friends, and can't seem to understand that I do need friends and society.

But I've decided that the good points make up for the bad ones. I feel looked-after, respected and cherished. Dh is who he is, and if he doesn't complain about my laziness and my disinterest in housekeeping, then why should I complain about what I perceive as his 'failings'. We have found our ballance. It's up to me to fill in anything that I find lacking. I don't want to change him - I don't believe one can really change a person wihtout suffering the consequences oneself.

oh i'm sure he could easily list my good and bad points!!

Think your going through the 'will me and baby be better off on our own' phase. It's very common in the first 6 months after a baby.

I'd love a massage evevry night!

is it?

We've argued so much over the last coupe of months and i don't want baby growing up in a bad atmosphere. hoping the good bits will start to outweigh the bad soon

The early months with a new child can be a real strain. I'm not belittling your feelings, but you, as the mum, have been in the throes of hormonal ups and downs beyond your wildest imaginings; physically, emotionally and mentally knackered; and having to readjust to a whole new way of life. Your dh has also had to readjust - but men I think are much worse at readjusting than women are.

Step back a moment. Choose your arguemnts - is it worth arguing over XYZ? Can you just let it be? Or if it upsets you, can you say 'XYZ upsets me' without saying 'you' to him?

You need to give yourselves time to get used to the new life. Of course, so does he, but you're the one posting and reading these posts.

I'm not saying you're in the wrong - not at all. But the only person you can change is yourself.

I think so.

Relationships are alot about compromises.

aniemac, know you were trying to help but a couple of those posts you attached were actually me when i had difference nickname.It just feels like there's so much wrong and hate him getting so angry when i try to talk to him about things that have updset me. Maybe i need to do it in a different way as he says it often seems like i'm angry with him - which i am. maybe i need to express it in a different way and then maybe he would react less angrily?

Yes, i think you are right DR. You need to look at why these things upset you so much.

I would imagine your dp wonders what he has done wrong half the time to warrant you feeling so angry towards him.

he usually knows what he's done bcos i tell him!he just thinks i overreact and this in turn makes him very angry and he then feels we are wasting out time with bad feeling towards eachother and then he gets even more angry and shouty with me - whivch i hate. The we end up arguing about his shouting! maybe if i try a different approach when i'm annoyed with him this cycle of anger between us may start to fade? he is quite influenced by my behaviour and what i say

I was listening recently to a Relate counsellor and a psychologist discussing on the radio why long-term relationships last or break down. They maintained that it's better to have many small arguements than live in constant suppression and end up having one humdingger of an argument (that may end in violence or breakup), but that the key to these arguments is that they should be about communication and not name-slinging and blaming.

DR, you've made a very good point about trying a different approach. Women often know that they are talking in code to each other, whereas men often cannot decode the female codes. I find it's helpful to talk about yourself and how you feel, and what you want, rather than going straight to being angry with the other person. Even if you are angry with him. It just puts his back up to start from a position of "you are, or do, ABC".

i completely agree that other behaviours can be very damaging in rows, i often sulk or cry hysterically and there's normally no need to. he probably hates it as much as i hate his shouting! good point too about saying how "i" feel instead of saying "he" makes me feell a certain way etc. will makes sure i try this and maybe he will be influence my my "new methods" - here's hoping!!

well i got the chance to put it into practice earlier. Got annoyed with something dh did, and i didn't sulk. Tried to talk to him about it - initially he was very agressive and shouty(as usual) but in the end had a (hopefully) constructive conversation during which we agreed that i should sulk less and he should try to be more gentle when dealing with arguments. have to say it was me doing most of the talking, but he seemed to be agreeing, let's hope it wasn't just to get the converation over with! only time will tell

well having a another good evening, hoefully this new paln of less sulking and shouting will work! Anniemac, sorry to hear you had bad morning - ok now?

new "plan" !

yes it certainly is amazing what effect changing your own attitude and behaviour can have. Last night i managed to stop myslef throwing a sulk because i remembered i'd told myself and dh i would try not to. Hope i can keep it up!