Is marriage worth it?

[wispywoo1]

My DP and I have been together 7 years. We are in a very stable happy relationship and we are both 25 with reasonably good jobs. We bought a house this year however it's in my name as it was all my deposit, I'm the higher earner and it needed to go through quickly (DP had no credit rating). Approx 6 months ago we started TTC but unfortunately it ended in a mc. We curently have no children.

A few weeks a go my dp proposed and we know it would make sense to get married. I like the idea of being Mr and Mrs etc however it's all SO expensive. even small weddings. I know you can get married very cheaply however I only want it to be done once, we don't want to regret doing it half arsed. I really want a baby now but I feel like that may be the wrong thing.

so, what are the benefits of marriage, why does society still place so much emphasis on it? Does it really matter?

Do you want a wedding or a marriage? Because the bulk of your post seems to be about the hassle of a wedding (which you can completely avoid) and a fear that you'll regret not having a huge expensive party.

Well you've said that it makes sense to get married so you must have an idea of what the benefits for you would be.
If you don't want a big expensive wedding, don't! I didn't and never regretted it. But we did celebrate with a tiny ceremony with just very close family (7 people in total) and then to the pub for lots of drinks. Cheap and lovely. Marriage and wedding are two different things and one is much more important than the other.

What's worth more to you? The union with dp or some flashy party that let's face it is forgotten about within a year?
The wedding can be as simple as you want!!! Just do it! Eg vintage theme, bake your own cake etc I bought ours in m&s, dress was in January sales from debenhams
Hire a village hall for a buffet party? Booze from sainsburys etc

Keep it simple - it's one day of your lives together

I wouldn't. If you put the deposit in and have larger income. You stand to lose a lot if you do ever separate. I'm not saying you will. But why expose yourself to that risk. I wish I hadn't anyway.

Yes, I'm very happy in my marriage so I'm going to heartily recommend it!

I'm old fashioned and have to say it is worth getting married. I had a very big wedding. Wish I had a small quirky wedding that was more me than half the guests being parents friends Etc.

Small doesnt have to be half arsed at all!!!

Congrats on your engagement

no the thing is we don't want a big party/wedding but finding that quite hard as everywhere seems so expensive and everyone places so much expectation on a wedding. My worry is having a small doo and maybe regretting it in a few years? Or do more people regret it the other way around?

What exactly are the legal benefits of being married when the female is in a better position than the male? from what I see it mainly only benefits the worse off, sorry if that's totally wrong!?

amazingness your idea of a wedding is exactly what I'd love but nowhere seems to allow this near me (I.e. bring own food/drinks).

Marriage law is to protect the non earning/no assets partner, and simplifies inheritance for kids if wills aren't made. If you earn more, and own the house, there's not as much in it for you legally. Your only benefit is social if that's important to you.

After living together for several years, we decided on the Tuesday, we told friends and family on the Thursday - after we'd got licences sorted - and those who wanted to attend did.

Simples. That was in 1993. We are still together.

Who really needs to spend thousands on a big frock and a dinner for people you don't really care that much about?

My worry is having a small doo and maybe regretting it in a few years? Or do more people regret it the other way around?

I regret it the other way around. I didn't really care about weddings, so I let other people make decisions and plans. We didn't have a huge wedding, but traditional service in a church, with a traditional evening reception, and I really just went along for the sake of it myself. I do wish now that I'd stuck to what I wanted myself: a small civil ceremony followed by a relaxed meal with just our families. I'd have felt happy and relaxed instead of stressed and uncomfortable.

Still, it doesn't matter that much. We've been married for more than 10 years and I'm very happy with DH.

We had a big traditional wedding,except no evening do.we just left early evening for our honeymoon,but 30 odd years ago that was still quite normal.Now I see so many couples sweating over wedding details,going into debt or turning into complete bridezillas and hope neither of our DDs will want to do that,for their and our sake.Recently two nieces married in the same year.One had the big 'do'.She was so stressed before and busy on the day she barely spoke to us and our DCs who had travelled to be there.The other niece wore a £50 e-bay dream and everyone brought food to a village hall and there was a lovely local band.Guess which one was most fun and had the loveliest atmosphere?
I would marry the same person in a heartbeat ,but a simpler wedding would have suited me fine.
I'm like BRITTLE In my heart I would have preferred something much more low key. But it's the rest of your lives that really count.DH and I have been through many ups and downs but are very happy.its the rest of your lives together that counts.Enjoy it!

Meant to say E bay dress not dream.Sorry!(It was a gorgeous dress though)

We got married in a registry office in the lake district, so not where we live. Me and him and a lovely couple who 10 minutes before had been out doing their Saturday morning shopping before my oh accosted them and asked them to witness our marriage. We all went for lunch afterwards and are still in touch. I have no regrets whatsoever and wouldn't change a thing.

Marriage has a lot of very sound, legal, practical, financial benefits for two people intending to have children together, own property together, and other ways to merge two lives on a permanent basis. You can achieve a lot of the same things by drawing up some papers with a lawyer, of course, but a marriage certificate is a relatively cheap short-cut. So if you take the bouquets and vol au vents out of the picture completely what you've got is quite a useful contract.

At the moment, ironically, you're actually in the better position because you're the sole home owner. So you're quite right, a lot of the tangible benefits at the moment would be for him rather than you. Should you split, for example, it would still be regarded as your house, not half his. Should you die without a will, he would potentially be homeless as your property would go to whoever can successfully argue they are your next of kin. He'd also be liable for inheritance tax if your estate was over a certain amount.

Will you regret a small/cheap wedding? I think more people regret the big fancy expensive wedding if it all goes wrong. :) Quite a lot go for renewal of vows 10 years on when maybe they have more cash.

Hi OP,

My DH and I have been together a similar length of time and we are are similar age think i may be in denial I'm closer to 30, DH really wanted to get married I was a bit about all the traditions and expectations that come with marriage. We had discussed getting married over the years and when we were looking for a holiday we found some of the hotels had fantastic deals on weddings so we booked at holiday and got hitched while we were over there, i bought a cheap dress and used the left over money from dress budget to buy the wedding ring i wanted and I had a beautiful sunset beach wedding with honeymoon/dress/rings for about £3500.

No guests
No drama
No worries

The only thing that stressed me was how extremely hard it was to explain to the registrar that I would be keeping my own name and he insisted on calling me MrsMydhs1stname

Congratulations on your engagement, the only thing you will regret is not doing it the way you wanted. I got earache from the PIL about the no guest rule, but they got over it. They had no choice.

Well its defiantly worth it for your DP, who would get spousal rights to your house if you split up.

Whether that's in your interest- is something for you to decide!

RE The Wedding: Just think of it as planning a party. People need food, drink and music to have a good time. You can do that as expensively or cheaply as you want.

We had a small wedding with only 30 people. I do not regret it for one minute and neither does DH. People still tell us it was a fantastic day, as it was so relaxed.

We've been married 24 years and know that that one wedding day does not make a marriage.. It's the days which follow.

I love being married

Another thought, you are only in your mid 20s now, are you always going to be the higher earner? If you take a career break to have dcs, will you then become dependent on him?

Personally, I had the big wedding and don't regret that, I can see where you are coming from wanting that, it is something you only do once.

If you want the big wedding, can you save for a year for it, then TTC honeymoon onwards, you'd still only be 27 whe you had your baby, there's no rush. (But trust me, if you have a baby first, you will never be able to afford the big wedding!)

This is a very trivial shallow point compared to all the other advice on here, but: when I read about / hear about other people's weddings (whether real life friends or when reading biographies or books about a music scene or something) I always think it is so cool when people have small, immediate, exquisite, no fuss weddings. So stylish, such lightness of touch.

I was in the same position, I wasn't actually the higher earner by the time we married, but I had been for many years and all the deposit for our house came from the equity in the house I owned previously. The house is still in my name, but 13 years and 2 children later and that is fairly meaningless. We had a smallish wedding (50 people) - I would have had smaller, my mum really wanted much bigger, it was a compromise. If anything I wish I had held out for smaller.

I'm not sure why I felt it was important to get married really, I have never used Mrs or DH's surname, we still maintain separate finances by and large and both still work. It is very much the normal thing in both our families and my circle of longterm friends, I would say that of the longstanding couples I know (I'm in my 40s now) 9 out of 10 or thereabouts are married. It just seemed the right thing to do.