Is marriage worth it?

[wispywoo1]

My DP and I have been together 7 years. We are in a very stable happy relationship and we are both 25 with reasonably good jobs. We bought a house this year however it's in my name as it was all my deposit, I'm the higher earner and it needed to go through quickly (DP had no credit rating). Approx 6 months ago we started TTC but unfortunately it ended in a mc. We curently have no children.

A few weeks a go my dp proposed and we know it would make sense to get married. I like the idea of being Mr and Mrs etc however it's all SO expensive. even small weddings. I know you can get married very cheaply however I only want it to be done once, we don't want to regret doing it half arsed. I really want a baby now but I feel like that may be the wrong thing.

so, what are the benefits of marriage, why does society still place so much emphasis on it? Does it really matter?

To me it shows a real sign of commitment to each other come what may. If you are no the romantic type, then look at it like a contract.
Personally, I would only bring children into this world with a very sound foundation, rock solid commitment, and for me that is marriage (provided that I sincerely love the person and want to actually stay with them!) Because it is true that some people get into marriage just for the sake of it, which doesn't work.
I don't understand why people have no second thoughts about having child with someone, but wonder over marriage.

"Lazyjaney it's totally incorrect to say that the only benefit to the higher earner is social."

Your points 1 and 3 are very situation specific and require staying married, ie do not apply in the case of things going wrong. Point 2 is expiring so irrelevant, and 4 and 5 were exactly the points I made.

"Don't base it on what MNers tell you, many of whom have no idea what they're talking about"

See above.

Chunderella, italics don't carry across paragraph breaks, so you need to put a ^ both ends of each paragraph.

My DB and I both had quiet weddings with only immediate family present, and a party after for pretty much everyone we'd ever heard of. In mine the party was the same evening, but DB had a fairly elaborate event the week after. Getting married does not have to mean a big posh do, however much other people may try to push it onto you. It's not their wedding!

(OK, I'm divorced now, but only just short of our 25th anniversary, and I really don't think the absence of a formal wedding party a quarter of a century earlier was a factor. DB and SIL are still going strong to the best of my knowledge.)

Have you talked about childcare will you be the full time working breadwinner - because you earn more? this might make sense financially but might well be the wrong emotional decision for you.....

If that is clear then multitask - I would crack on and do what your heart says -- go for both now ...! sounds like you want the small quirky and intimate wedding - so prioritize getting pregnant and then you have 9 long months (or more if you decide to wait) so plan your wedding.

Only thing that is concerning me is -- the no credit rating (why?) - do you have any doubts about the sustainability of the relationship? - are you looking to marriage to legally protect the assets you bring to the marriage?

everyone places so much expectation on a wedding

Only if you believe all the PR of the whole industry that has grown up around the wedding industry (who have an obvious vested interest in convincing everyone that there are only a limited, and expensive, set of ways of celebrating.

"Only thing that is concerning me is -- the no credit rating (why?)"

Bingo. That is what got my antennae pinging as well.

IMO as more and more women are now the breadwinner/asset owner, it's very important to pick apart the romantic soft focus woo from the hard edged legal and contractual underpinnings of marriage.

The woo is almost entirely based around reinforcing marriage as a good option for the woman being the child rearing dependant. This can bamboozle women who are the breadwinners, there really is not yet a good narrative for them.

No credit rating is not necessarily an issue - I doubt my DH has much of one to this day as he has never had a mortgage or loan, just a credit card, which hardly gets used, a current account and that's about it. We have never bought cars or furniture on finance, always had PAYG mobiles etc.

I agree about the no credit rating does not necessarily mean something bad has happened in the past.

Dd1 has just left uni, when she went to get a contract phone from Apple, they initially turned her down as she's never had any credit before. It was sorted in the end, but they advised her to get a zero percent credit card and to just use it occasionally, to build up a credit rating.

op, all the social and emotional implications aside (which you can also get without getting married), getting married is basically a legal contract. And unless you have a good pre-nup, it benefits the party who is less well off financially. In your position today, since you are the higher earner and own the house in your sole name, you would be worse off if you married and then something would happen in the future. IME it is so important for the woman to remain independent and protect herself. Today you are in love and believe either you will always be together and love each other forever, or that he is a good person so if you ever split up you could trust him. But people can change over time and bad things happen in life and you never know, so better to protect yourself.

The best time to think about these things and protect yourself by things like a prenup is when you are both in love and willing to work together and be cooperative. Because if the relationship turns sour one day, then you definitely can't count on both of you being cooperative and coming to a reasonable agreement.

I don't mean to sound negative about this, but I was in your situation when I met exh, higher earner, financed 95% of the equity deposit, and trusted that we'd either stay together forever or he'd do the right thing. I got burned. Never want to marry again - cohabiting is a wonderful option when you're the woman and the higher earner.

DS2 is about the same age as the OP's DP and, I am fairly sure, doesn't have a credit rating. He's currently living with me having previously lived in shared houses with friends, and doesn't borrow money. I've suggested he gets a credit card just to build up a rating. My observation is that DS2 is good with money, it's just that there's nothing to prove it!

ps I am told pre-nuptial agreements are not worth the paper they are written on under UK law. Can anyone in the know confirm?

Annie in 2010 the UK supreme court ruled that a pre-nup is binding

see here

For the avoidance of doubt though better not to marry I suppose

Being married has made absolutely no difference to our day to day life. But having the legal stuff in place may be useful and prevent stress and problems in the future, so probably worth it for us.

We had a small but lovely wedding, without needing to go to huge expense or a lot of trouble. I don't regret it in the slightest, there's no way I'd have ever wanted a big traditional wedding.

I wouldn't worry about other people's social expectations, that shouldn't matter at all (and it's perfectly acceptable these days to live as an unmarried couple). And I would separate the marriage and wedding parts in your mind. Marriage is a legal contract: get as well-informed as you can, and decide whether it's something that makes sense for you and your partner. A wedding is a ceremony and/or a party. You can have those any time you want, regardless of what you do about the contract.

The other thread (linked above) is quite informative about the benefits/risks of marriage vs cohabiting.

thanks very much for all the replies, they are all very helpful! As to the 'no credit rating' my dp has never had anything other than one phone contract and the house was an ex repossession so we needed to move very quickly to avoid being gazumped. Plus, as I said, the deposit was my savings entirely.

regarding work and childcare, next year I will earn 50% more than dp and could probably cut down by a day or two and our earnings would be equal.

I'm starting to think running off to Gretna Green wouldn't be to bad!