Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separation & Nativity

31 replies

FushandChups · 05/12/2013 16:13

Sorry - should probably be in AIBU but am quite honestly scared of posting in there.

Anyways, separated from DD's father beginning of the year. She started school this September so her first nativity. There are 2 showings and H thinks we should go to one each - DD will love that apparently.

I think we should go to the same one so she sees us together - it's an important occasion and I know that having us both there together would make her really happy (she has been struggling with the break up).

What do you think - would a rep at both performances be best (me by myself at the first one, him with (I suspect) his girlfriend at the second one)

Am prepared to be told IABU but please be gentle as am a bit sad we can't even agree about a bloody play Sad

OP posts:
yeahyeah75 · 05/12/2013 16:18

I don't think you're being unkind for wanting to put on a united front for her, will your ex agree to it if you explain to him that she is struggling?

Irishmammybread · 05/12/2013 16:28

Hi Fushand Chups , I'm sorry you and your DD are going through a traumatic time.
I just wanted to say that ,though not separated,DH and I have been going to Nativity plays every year since 1997 with a succession of children and have never been to a performance together. It's a small school, tickets are usually limited and we've always felt ,especially when they're very young, it's nice for a child to look into the audience and see a familiar face so I usually go to the afternoon and DH to the evening, most other parents do something similar so I don't think it would look odd if you attended separately though I do see your point about wanting her to see you together.
Sorry, that probably didn't help at all!

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 16:32

just tried to call and he hung up on me with him adamant that he won't attend whichever one I am going to...

So that's that I guess Sad I have tried explaining that DD needs to see us together at the important things but he doesn't get it.

Maybe it is me - I know we're not together but I also know he's probably taking his new gf which fucks me off even though I know I can't stop him Sad

OP posts:
Poledra · 05/12/2013 16:32

Just from another perspective, DH and I have attended different performances of our children's school plays. Usually it was because it saved us getting a babysitter for the younger children, or because our work commitments meant we couldn't be at the same one. As long as the DCs knew which parent was coming to which performance, they were quite happy with it.

I appreciate this is a different situation to yours, but hope it might help you.

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 16:33

Thanks Irish - that's his point, that this way she sees someone at both performances.. Ah well - I get to bask in her glory all by myself at least!

OP posts:
Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 16:35

Thanks all - I don't know why this has bothered me so much. .. just her first one, I guess!

Well, decision has been made but appreciate all your comments.

OP posts:
Monetbyhimself · 05/12/2013 16:41

Don't fight him on it. You'll be much more relaxed if he's not there. Children are incredibly adaptable and she WILL probably enjoy having one of you at each performance. Hope uou enjoy the show Smile

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 17:00

Agree about being more relaxed and there are more important things in life - I don't get bothered by the way he talks to me anymore but it bothers me when it involves the kids.

He makes out he's some god among men because he gives a shit about his children but then does really nasty, petty things supposedly in their best interest but actually are only to his benefit (not this argument btw, lots of other things!) Ah well - i need to properly disengage, and trust me I'm much better than I was!

OP posts:
Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 17:08

Just out of interest - what do you think about him taking his new gf... is it as inappropriate as I think or do I just accept she gets to share the big stuff in my DC's life? She was the OW and so was pretty much involved since the day he left - he basically wishes I didn't exist and would happily have nothing to do with me ever again except for the DC.

OP posts:
clam · 05/12/2013 19:45

I'd let this one go - pick your battles.
Do you really want to see him playing happy families with his OW in tow?

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 19:53

Absolutely not Clam - cannot think of anything worse. I think that's why he's pushing for separate performances as i doubt he'd bring her if I was there.

I could be doing him a big disservice really as it seems like the majority here think us going separately isn't an issue.

You're right - pick battles, am not going to 'win' this one and actually, he's not being as unreasonable as I first assumed (although he is still an unreasonable twat about lots of other things Smile)

OP posts:
BackforGood · 05/12/2013 20:00

I think your dd will be delighted that there is someone at each of the performances. I also think that this is already a long standing relationship (if you've been apart a year and she was the OW before that), so, however hard it is for you now, the sooner you accept the fact that he is now with this OW, the easier life will be for your dd, and, importantly for your own stress levels. You don't have to like it, obviously, but it makes sense to accept it.

meditrina · 05/12/2013 20:02

DH and I have often gone separately, so DC have someone at each performance (and because it removed need for babysitter for the evening performance).

Though I suppose it is a little different when each half of an intact couple goes separately, than when it reinforces a separation.

But on the basis of "pick your battles", I think this may be one to let go.

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 20:12

Good advice BackForGood and I do accept it the majority of the time - his whole family have welcomed this new woman and now ignore me which has actually been harder. I grin and bear it when DD comes back from weekends telling me all about daddy and X and shows me all the naff stuff she's bought her...

This just seemed a step too far but I'm probably overreacting because it's her first school play and seems like a massive next step... oh the joys of co-parenting Hmm

OP posts:
TheRobberBride · 05/12/2013 20:13

I think you and your ex should attend separate performances. It will be lovely for your DD to have someone she loves in the audience both times.

I don't really understand your desire to present a 'united front' TBH. If you were both keen on the idea then fair enough. But if he doesn't want to I wouldn't push it. Harsh as it sounds, your DD will have to get used to the idea that her parents no longer come as a pair.

I would take heart ftom the fact that your ex is interested enough in his DD to want to come to her nativity. My DD is also in Reception but my ex will not be attending her play as he'd rather not take the time off work.

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 20:19

And you're right too Robber - it's not harsh, it's the truth Sad I just worry as DD hasn't been coping that well in general, this might have been a good opportunity to reassure her that we're 'friends' but will let it go... onwards & upwards and all that!

OP posts:
pinkbear82 · 05/12/2013 20:31

I'm sticking my neck out here, As a snubbed partner who was told be DPs ex that if I go to the school play she will stop all contact DP has with his girls.

Your situation is a little different. DP and ex divorced 6 years ago, I've been with do for 3 (so not the ow in that sense) and we have a 6 months old dd together according to ex w the replacement child.

I get it's not easy to see the ow but as we have the girls weekly and I have been part of their lives for three years and look after them and do things with them, to then be excluded from birthdays and things such as the school play really does hurt. I don't try to be, nor want to be their mum, I don't slag her off, despite knowing she does me, and I tell the girls how important their mum is. When great aunt beryl gets to go, but only sees them yearly, it kinda stings a bit more.

Grin and bear it op, if for nothing else your lo won't feel awkward or that you and the ow don't get on (even if you don't) do the best acting ever and include her to an extent. If she is a cow or bitches then fine, shut her out. But try first. Other wise it becomes a bitch fest and that's just as rubbish as seeing them together.

Feel free to ignore me, I know every situation is different and nothing is ever black and white. At the end of the day what ever is best for your little one is the most important thing. Good luck.

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 20:43

That sounds tough PinKBear and as mentioned, I do grin and bear it most of the time and I am not trying to exclude her as such - they have separate do's for things like birthdays etc and if anything, I am excluded Sad (the point i made earlier about his family just shutting me out) but thanks for your point of view.

I know she is a major part of my DC's lives (I also have a 1yo DS) it just felt like one of the first big 'firsts' iykwim and i resent her experiencing them at the same time as me.. but that's life now i guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 20:45

Oh - and I've not met her and am sure she isn't the horrible bee-atch that I want her to be. I would also never slag her off - that way madness lies Smile

OP posts:
yetanotheranyfucker · 05/12/2013 21:48

Sorry, I mean this in the nicest and gentlest way possible but I do think YABU to argue with him or try to persuade him that you need to go together. It's one thing to suggest it, but he's perfectly entitled and reasonable to say 'No thanks' and then for it to be left there.

YANBU for wanting to do something lovely for your little girl or for feeling frustrated and sad about the other things he does.

TBH if she is struggling with the break-up, it's a lot better for you not to appear together with him even if it seems cruel Sad. Children can have reunification fantasies and it's really better for them to have them gently and consistently reinforced that mummy and daddy are separated. Highlight the fact she'll have someone at both performances and how cool that will be.

GhettoPrincess001 · 05/12/2013 22:29

Could you go and sit separately from each other. Or does that kick off a whole new round of who gets to sit next to DD ?

Original poster
FushandChups · 05/12/2013 23:22

Thanks again - I think this thread has made me realise IABU and maybe I should apologise to keep things amicable...

I guess the whole OW thing is a bit of red herring in that I can't stop him, I would never tell him that she couldn't attend and so I will be sucking it up regardless really.

It's what's right for DD which is important and having someone there both days will be good for her...

OP posts:
anapitt · 05/12/2013 23:24

it doesn't matter either way

Mrswellyboot · 05/12/2013 23:34

My only thoughts are at least your little one will know for sure it is over now, whereas it might have given her a little spark of hope if you were together. It. Thus might be for the best. I think he is thoughtless bringing ow though this soon.

Cabrinha · 05/12/2013 23:36

I don't think I'd bother apologising! But let it go, don't best yourself up.
In the nicest way, I agree with those who have said DON'T try to present a united front. You are not united. It will probably be easier for your daughter not to see you together, if she's struggling.
Btw, I've just booked 2 separate performances for myself and STBXH, also split early this year, also first school nativity!
My daughter told me last week she wanted a family holiday with mummy and daddy. She wasn't upset when I said no (and how hard is it, when the truth "daddy shagged prostitutes and mummy hates him" isn't for their ears??!!!). But doing united front at Xmas play (which initially I thought we could / would) would just make saying no to holidays together more confusing for her.

Go, enjoy the show and having her all to yourself after!