I think STBX is trying to control me

[Notanothernamechange101]

I split up with STBX about 6 months ago. It was a long time coming and there were many reasons, primarily that he is awful with money (and constantly racks up debts behind my back) but also I'd had enough of his selfishness. He does absolutely nothing round the house and very little with the children unless prompted - anything he does is accompanied by eye rolling and complaints that I don't ask him nicely enough. Just for info, we are not married and have two DC (4 & 1).

Sadly a few weeks after we split, our eldest DC was diagnosed with a very serious illness that he is still receiving treatment for. For that reason we postponed him moving out but he mention the other day about looking for somewhere after Christmas. This evening we had a conversation (reluctant on his part) about how things might work when he moves out and I am feeling very unsettled about it now. I feel like he is dictating everything and that I have no control over the situation.

Firstly he said that he would probably rent a room to start with to save up some money. Which means of course he can never have the children, or certainly not to stay. He said that he would see them at mine and that would be his base when he has them. He said he will "babysit" (his words) for me at my house if i need him. The reason he would struggle to afford a flat is his debts, so I don't think he should assume i am going to facilitate him seeing the children. To be honest I would probably go along with it for the DC sake, but he didn't even ask me, just told me that's how it would be. I think it will be confusing for the children but also I know it will end up with me running around after the children while he sits on his arse. He says this wont happen, even though he acknowledges thats exactly what happens now.

We then discussed how access will work once he gets a flat. We agreed in principle one day/night each at the weekend (as DC are still small) but he is refusing point blank to agree to a specific day (i made it clear it would be very flexible and i would swap around as needed - i don't have much of a social life ha!) and insists that we will sit down each month and go through our diaries to agree the next four weeks. I'm not happy with this as i think it will be more confusing for the children and it means I can't plan anything without consulting with him first. He will then invariably ask me what I am doing and I will have to put up with his stupid digs about what I'm up to. I think he doing it to try and control me but he says he's not and that I'm controlling him if I expect him to commit to a certain day.

In the end I gave up as we were going round in circles. I don't think I am being unreasonable but he is so adamant that I am in the wrong that I start to doubt myself. I know in theory I should just tell put my foot down but I am desperate to keep things amicable for the DC's sake - my poor eldest has been through so much these last months and still has months of treatment left, i just couldn't bear to cause him any upset. I thought once we'd split up I wouldn't be under his control anymore but it feels like nothing is really going to change. I'm normally a very strong character, i have the support of great family and friends so how does he manage to make me feel so powerless?

Would welcome any thoughts/advise.

(I have to pick DC up in a bit so may not get back on until this evening).

No, he moves out.

He takes them out, you hand them over on the doorstep. No overnights, but that is fine. he's not ready anyway, hasn't put in any of the groundwork and you don't trust him.

If you want a babysitter, you will pay for one. If your STBX wants to be a parent and take HIS children out that's another matter entirely.

he doesn't get to spectate your life. Got that?

(((HUG)))

It will only change if you decide to change the way you deal with him. he is still the same person. Splitting up with him, him moving out...none of this will change him.

Assess your boundaries, it is not unreasonable for you to make plans more than 4 weeks ahead. So, make some plans and say..."as we are being flexible about weekend days I have plans on X day and Y day, which day on these weekends would you like?.

You can only change the way YOU deal with him.

he makes you feel powerless because you are afraid of appearing unreasonable and being accused of putting your children's needs below your own.

You are not unreasonable and you won't ...so best you decide how to play it to make sure you can survive as a single parent...energy wasted on him is energy robbed from your DC and yourself, and they need you....

Yes he is trying to control you. Tell him if he wants to dictate access he's welcome to go through the courts but until the he can have them on x day. Don't have him over either. He can take them out until he has a flat sorted. Once he's out he's out, letting him back in is a recipe for disaster.

My guess is he'll be awkward for a while but then he'll eithernot bother maintaining contact with the dcs (because he can't control you through them and doesn't want the hassle of looking after them)

PS I talk a good talk but am still "digging the foundations for boundaries" myself as I have a VERY controlling ex and a total fear of being unreasonable!

good luck.

and if he crashes through the boundaries, just erect them again.....stronger the next time

good luck

The accepted norm is for contact to be on a regular basis. I guess there may be separated parents who decide to arrange visits on an ad hoc basis (eg if work is a shift pattern which is only known a few weeks in advance) but it's more usual for parents to arrange their shift pattern around contact with DCs. It's certainly not reasonable for him to expect to get together every few weeks to arrange contact - I suspect he wants to plan his social life and then expect you to be flexible around that. If he has a rented room, DCs can stay over in that room. If that's not suitable, then he collects from your place and has a day out. It's certainly not on for him to come and sit in your home - it's your home, and private to you! Dig your heels in OP, you are not being controlling - it's about meeting DCs need for contact while living your separate lives.

Sorry... Or he'll man up and get some maturity. The first one is the more likely one :(

Remember that he knows the children are your weakness. It's not up to you to magic up a good relationship between him and them, that's his responsibility. It's hard but you have to accept that someone who uses them in power games isn't worth having contact with.

What an arse! My STBEXH is the same, lazy git with no sense of responsibility whatsoever, luckily our DD is almost 12 and realises what a tit he is and chooses, at the moment anyway, to not see him (despite my encouraging) it does mean that we end up doing all the work, and they get to live a life they like with no responsibilities, but if our DC are happier as a result, then its worth it.
Keep firm as Hissy says do not let him decide your life, yes it will still feel as if he is controlling parts of it, and until your children are older and can decide themselves then there will always be decisions to be made that you wish you didnt. You will be much stronger when he is out of your hair, and he should be able to see his DC at his home, however small, as long as it is dry, warm and safe!

Good luck, and (((hugs))) here too x

Yes, he is. Don't let him.

My ex tried to lay down all these stipulations too. In the end, it came down to him rarely seeing his son, because he would never agree to fixed dates and times. He would call out of the blue asking to come round, and get pissed off when I said now. So your ex's controlling ways may bite him on the backside if he's not careful.

sounds like my ex..thought he could have his cake and eat it by only visiting the DC's at my house and not having them at his..thus he also got to "keep an eye on me"..I kicked him into touch and told him how it would be from now on..he is now playing poor me..its manipulation..and yes controlling..he moves out..he has DC's at his..my ex used to be offering baby sitting..now I pay a lovely 16 year old to baby sit..take control..he does not dictate to you..

If you are certain the relationship is over I would say first and foremost, get him out. The last thing you need is him digging his heels in and refusing to leave. Nod and smile, agree to the first 4 weeks and then a 'see how it goes from there'. Put NOTHING in writing that you are not happy with.

& get thee to a solicitor if you are married, but do not say anything until he has actually left.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. It is a relief you dont think I'm being unreasonable. I didn't think I was but STBX is so sure of himself it makes me doubt myself.

I am trying so hard to keep things amicable. I have offered him as much or little access as he wants. I was willing to forget maintenance to help him afford somewhere he could have the children, but its never enough. He just won't take any responsibility for the relationship breaking down. As far as he's concerned I ended it, so he is the victim and have to agree with anything he says otherwise I'm not putting the children first.

Things are complicated by DS being ill. He has cancer so can't go out to crowded places when his immunity is low and is often tired and wants to stay at home, so I can't really insist on him taking them out. With that in mind I was thinking of the following compromise:

If he insists on getting a room, he can see them here but only on agreed days and only for a specified period. After that I expect him to make his own arrangements.

Once he does have them regularly at his, I want to agree things at least three months in advance. Seeing as he will have the other 5/6 days to please himself, I don't think that is too much to ask.

I will have to make it clear that if we cant reach a compromise we will have no choice but to go down a more formal route. He definitely doesn't want that.

All your advice make sense snd i am very grateful - just reading your words makes me feel stronger. One thing in particular jumped out at me:

he makes you feel powerless because you are afraid of appearing unreasonable and being accused of putting your needs before your children's

I nearly cried when I read that at it sums up in one sentence exactly what the problem is. I know I handle him all wrongly. I always get emotional and think that if I can just get him to listen to me he will see reason... but of course he never does. I need to detach from him and stop reasoning and explaining. Im just not surebhow - I havent managed that yet in 10 years

It does complicate things with your DS having cancer (and I am very sorry to hear that ) because as you say, he can't be out in the cold or at soft play or anything like that where fathers normally take their DC.

For that reason only, I can see that seeing them in your house would be a good thing, but you do need to set some ground rules. Maybe you go out while he sees them, but make sure you lock away anything that you dont want him to see or take.

But once he has his own place, then things would be different.

You could go to mediation to talk things through with a neutral third party, and see if you can come to a reasonable agreement.

but it does get easier once you have enough space (mental and physical) away from him to sort out you feelings, the facts and what is right.

hang on in there

And i am so sorry about your DS. It is a brutal disease, and brutal treatment...I hope he and you cope and flourish.

Are there any grandparents where X could have the children for the day and be out of your hair but in a safe, calm and warm place for DC?

I used to find a useful trick with wanker ex was to think "if I went out onto the street and asked the first 20 people about this, what would they say?". MN is the online equivalent! So, is regular, predictable contact best for children? Yes. Is it reasonable for separated people to try to share personal space a lot? No. Is it reasonable for someone to take out an immune compromised child into public if this is a risk? No.

Also, if you need time to think about something, take it. You don't have to decide in the moment.

Thank you. It's a very difficult time as you can imagine, even without all this. DS is doing well at the moment though, and please god if all goes to plan his treatment will finish in April/May. And then it is just agonising scans every 3 months . Poor little lamb has been through so much, i just cant bear to make it worse for him.

One of the things STBX said yesterday is that he thinks I am cracking up over DS - because I get extremely upset and anxious in the lead up to his scans. He's right in a way but i do t think i sm reacting any differently than anyone else would in the same situation. i was thinking of going to see if the doctor could give me anything to take the edge of the anxiety but I am reluctant to do so now in case he uses this against me in the future.

Sky I asked him previously to go to mediation but he refused

foolonthehill unfortunately he is not close to his family and they don't live near either

MrsTerry that is a good point. I am the sort of person who wants everything sorted now, but he won't be going anywhere soon so I have time on my side.

Having read a couple of other threads on relationships at the moment about people further down the line, it has made me realise I really need to start as I mean to go on.

Hopefully the other threads show you that you're right too, and that you can make it through this?

You are, and you can!

We're here for you, you know that right? :)

Thank you Hissy, it means a lot, it really does.

go and see your doctor. If they think you need anti depressants, then it will be for a good reason. My doctor likened them to armbands, that keep you afloat until you learn to swim again.

The lady that I see through the Family Support Network about getting help for DD practically begged me to take them as I was in such a state, so professional people do not use them against you where children are concerned.

Is it only in the lead up to DS treatment? That's understandable!

Why not try Rescue Remedy in the meantime, it really helped me with panics when I had agoraphobia.

Worth a try lovey!

(works faster than ADs and no side effects!) :)

Try deep breathing to keep you calm when he's twisting everything arse about face. Breathe in through your mouth to a count of 3 and out through your nose to a count of 5. Do it 3 times at least. Try it while he's talking and you may be surprised by the difference it makes to your aility to reply reasonably and calmly.

Obviously I worry constantly about him, however most the time I think i cope better than I could ever imagined possible, basically because there isn't any choice. I'm also lucky to have very supportive family and friends.

I will admit in the lead up to his recent scan, I struggled. I still did everything that needed done in terms of the DC but I was very anxious and tearful and on one occasion I broke down to him and admittedly was pretty hysterical - that's what he is referring to. I didn't think it was unatural behaviour given the situation though.

Will give the rescue remedy ago, but good to know it wouldn't go against me if I did ever need ads.

I will give that a go Jux. I was just thinking earlier that I need to stop reacting so much to him, stop trying justify myself and that might help with that.