I think STBX is trying to control me

[Notanothernamechange101]

I split up with STBX about 6 months ago. It was a long time coming and there were many reasons, primarily that he is awful with money (and constantly racks up debts behind my back) but also I'd had enough of his selfishness. He does absolutely nothing round the house and very little with the children unless prompted - anything he does is accompanied by eye rolling and complaints that I don't ask him nicely enough. Just for info, we are not married and have two DC (4 & 1).

Sadly a few weeks after we split, our eldest DC was diagnosed with a very serious illness that he is still receiving treatment for. For that reason we postponed him moving out but he mention the other day about looking for somewhere after Christmas. This evening we had a conversation (reluctant on his part) about how things might work when he moves out and I am feeling very unsettled about it now. I feel like he is dictating everything and that I have no control over the situation.

Firstly he said that he would probably rent a room to start with to save up some money. Which means of course he can never have the children, or certainly not to stay. He said that he would see them at mine and that would be his base when he has them. He said he will "babysit" (his words) for me at my house if i need him. The reason he would struggle to afford a flat is his debts, so I don't think he should assume i am going to facilitate him seeing the children. To be honest I would probably go along with it for the DC sake, but he didn't even ask me, just told me that's how it would be. I think it will be confusing for the children but also I know it will end up with me running around after the children while he sits on his arse. He says this wont happen, even though he acknowledges thats exactly what happens now.

We then discussed how access will work once he gets a flat. We agreed in principle one day/night each at the weekend (as DC are still small) but he is refusing point blank to agree to a specific day (i made it clear it would be very flexible and i would swap around as needed - i don't have much of a social life ha!) and insists that we will sit down each month and go through our diaries to agree the next four weeks. I'm not happy with this as i think it will be more confusing for the children and it means I can't plan anything without consulting with him first. He will then invariably ask me what I am doing and I will have to put up with his stupid digs about what I'm up to. I think he doing it to try and control me but he says he's not and that I'm controlling him if I expect him to commit to a certain day.

In the end I gave up as we were going round in circles. I don't think I am being unreasonable but he is so adamant that I am in the wrong that I start to doubt myself. I know in theory I should just tell put my foot down but I am desperate to keep things amicable for the DC's sake - my poor eldest has been through so much these last months and still has months of treatment left, i just couldn't bear to cause him any upset. I thought once we'd split up I wouldn't be under his control anymore but it feels like nothing is really going to change. I'm normally a very strong character, i have the support of great family and friends so how does he manage to make me feel so powerless?

Would welcome any thoughts/advise.

(I have to pick DC up in a bit so may not get back on until this evening).

Why would you tell x if you need to take meds to get you through this? It's not his business.

Any way, taking care of your own health is a good, grown up and right thing to do and no-one in the court system would see it as anything other than that...certainly couldn't be help against you in any way. Anxiety and depression are fantastically common...and all the more so when dealing with a series of hard life events at once.

Don;t be scared of the meds if you need them...arm bands is a great analogy...

You're right actually, it's none of his business. I think because he's still living here I have to remind myself sometimes that we are not together anymore and I am not answerable to him.

The 'cracking up' comment is a classic control trick. He tells you you're going crazy to disorient and undermine you. Using your great love and anxiety for your son against you is disgraceful.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with a man who is so selfish and immature that he wants to arrange ad hoc contact around his social life rather than establishing a reliable routine that's best for the children.

Honestly, I don't think you're going to be able to negotiate amicably with him. That would only work if he were willing to meet you half way. He's not. Anything he doesn't want to do he won't do. Every single month you're going to have to be involved in discussions about contact and he will change his mind, cancel at the last minute, bugger you about and upset the children.

Life cannot be all on his own terms when there are children involved. I don't know how mediation works but (and I doubt it would have any effect) but I would be assuming you will have to do at least mediation and probably a court case to set contact terms he cannot argue with.

Don't let him make you doubt yourself, see his manipulations for what they are.

I think you should remind him as much as you remind yourself that the relationship is over, what you do is none of his concern.

Hello OP,

I have no experience here but after reading some posts just wanted to add.

No loving father would allow anything to come between the relationship with their children, even if this meant losing the control they need to have over their x.
Wild horses wouldn't stop my dh and if it means your x has to get his act together then he will if his dc are important to him.
I hope this makes sense.

I think you will also find that your anxiety and unhappiness over your poor boy's illness will get more manageable when you are not having to devote time to worrying about your arsehole XP. Remember he doesn't matter. He's dumped. His opinion of you is irrelevant, and you don't have to get his permission or approval for things. If he won't be sensible about contact, stop discussing it with him and tell him you will sort it out with a solicitor. And get him out of the house as soon as you can. Best of luck.

Antidepressants can be fantastic at helping dampen down the anxiety fight or flight reaction. Your ex need never know you are taking them and I certainly don't think you would ever be judged by any court for needing help with anxiety when your child has such a serious illness even if he did know. For your ex to be using the way you feel over your son being ill against you at a time like this, is just horrendous. I would advise you go out as soon as your ex arrives to have the kids at yours until he gets somewhere he can have them, then if he wasn't agree to regular days take it through the courts if necessary. Wishing you and your son all the best with his treatment, hopefully he will be back to full health soon as then your ex can take the kids out for contact anyway. Take care.

Thank you again for all your support. I have just been reading all your comments. They are much the same as friends and family have said but I started thinking maybe it was just because they love me or because they only hear my side.

I really, really don't know if he genuinely believes himself to be in the right, he is at pains to assure me his friends would/do agree with him. I guess it doesn't really matter either way and I need to stop even concerning myself with what he is thinking.

I really don't care what he thinks of me anymore and I no longer care what he says to other people about me (its taken a while to get here as I naturally want people to think well of me). I keep repeating that saying "those that matter know, those that don't know don't matter" in my head!

I am however terrified of him saying anything to DS - perhaps i am misjudging him but if for example I said he couldn't see them here, I think he would tell DS that he would love to see them but mummy wont let him come round. I just couldn't bear my poor boy to go through that.

I text him earlier (discussions always lead to a row, but also so I had it in writing) and said that we could sort out the other details later but that one point I am not happy with is arranging contact on a monthly basis. I said that if he didn't agree to a permanent day, I want it agreed 3 months in advance. He came back and said fine but reminded me that he had committed to have them the days I go to my hobby (twice a month) so he wasn't that unreasonable. And then put "I accept your apology!!" I reminded him that since I would be committing to the other 5/6 days a week, 2 days a months really wasn't that much to ask! Prat!

Will rethink the ad thing too given what you have all said.

To be fair he didn't say it horribly, he said he was concerned about me. I just think if he was really concerned about me there are plenty of ways he could show/support me rather than making my life more difficult.