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Original poster

Mil disappointed with girl during pregnancy

31 replies

Blahhhhh · 05/12/2013 04:47

Hello all
To set a background have been married a couple of months and am currently 23 weeks pregnant. I live quite a way from mil but have always got along with her very well until the other day :(
Firstly she has done so much for me that I was genuinely shocked at her reaction. Probably why it has a affected me so much?
Anyway the other day DH and I found out the sex of our baby. It wasn't picked up in a normal scan so we paid for a private scan. I wasn't bothered either way of sex but DH is very excited and wanted to. But wouldn't keep it to himself if we did. So against my better judgement (and to make DH happy and feel more involved) went. And overjoyed that we're having a gorgeous girl. And DH was too. Can't wait to hold his little girl.
So went and saw his mum and told her. And the first thing she says 'oh doesn't matter' wtf! Then proceeded to say a lot of backward stuff about how people may say things etc so leave it a while before telling anyone. The 'atleast everything else is ok' DH told her there's no problems with a girl and for her to shut up basically.
Since them I've been so upset. Kinda just wanted her to be happy and not have to get used to the idea of a baby girl. It's ridiculous. Spoke to DH and apparently my feelings are stupid. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it as I don't want friends etc to think bad of her as she has been amazing up until now. So currently in spare room. Have slept a little but feeling upset that my feelings are stupid.
Ltb is not an option as I don't want to but how do I deal with this?

OP posts:

YoDiggity · 05/12/2013 04:50

Is she Asian?

Original poster

Blahhhhh · 05/12/2013 04:51

Yeah I am too
But she's not usually so bothered? If that makes sense.

OP posts:

Chottie · 05/12/2013 04:59

Sorry, but your MiL is completely out of order. You and your DH are expecting a healthy, perfect baby girl, that is something to be celebrated with joy and happiness. Congratulations to you and your DH.

As a GM and a MiL I just cannot understand your MiLs attitude. Please tell whom ever you wish that you are expecting a little girl. Your baby, your rules. If MiL doesn't 'come round' to the fact you are having a girl, that is her problem. Please do not let her attitude take the edge of your pregnancy and baby. I know MN doesn't believe in hugs, but I'm sending one anyway {x}

YoDiggity · 05/12/2013 05:03

I guess by her saying 'it doesn't matter' she thinks she's being very enlightened and right on about it all, but if that's her first reaction then it clearly does matter - old ingrained beliefs and habits die hard!

The reason I guessed you would probably be Asian was not just the MIL's reaction but more because of the private scan you paid for to find out the sex. Most non-Asian people are not quite so desperate to know that they'd bother to go to those lengths if the standard scans were inconclusive, so perhaps it matters to you and 6your DH more than you are willing to let on.

Original poster

Blahhhhh · 05/12/2013 05:06

I know that's how I feel. Apparently she needed to get used to the idea of a girl. And is apparently overjoyed again. But it's just shitty to have to have listened to all that? I dunno. Feel like it's just changed our relationship for a while atleast. I have a dd with a prev partner and she's amazing with dd which makes this whole reaction even more surprising. She's apologised to DH since but I dunno

OP posts:

Original poster

Blahhhhh · 05/12/2013 05:09

Me and DH (as far as I'm concerned) wanted to find out from excitement. DH has been looking at names, clothes etc since so I know he's happy

OP posts:

GoodnessKnows · 05/12/2013 05:13

Your DH is probably used to / hardened to his mother's ways. That's all. He expects you to be able to turn the other cheek too. I can understand why you're so upset. Men aren't so easily bothered by the unwittingly cruel and insensitive comments of others.

Original poster

Blahhhhh · 05/12/2013 08:37

Yeah maybe. Was I right to tell him? He didn't say a word to me before work. Ridiculous.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 05/12/2013 09:03

Talk to her. Honestly and openly about how it made you feel, and how it threw you a bit because she is such a brilliant DSGM to your own daughter. She's a woman, you're a woman, your daughter is a girl and you don't think any of you are lesser than a man.

It is hard to overcome cultural conditioning, and I think things like birth bring that out in surprising people. My own MIL was awful around our wedding, because she felt she was losing her son and couldn't control that, but she doesn't have good relationships with anyone and isn't someone you can talk with as she completely lacks the capacity for reflection. If your MIL is able to talk with you, then I'd try for that.

Congratulations on your lovely new dd.

CailinDana · 05/12/2013 09:13

Your MIL isn't the problem. She said some really tactless things and then apologised. She's great with your daughter and likely will be great with your new little girl.

The problem is your husband, who says your feelings are "stupid" and gives you the silent treatment.

Curlysuewhataboutyou · 05/12/2013 09:19

Oh wow I knew some cultures still see women as inferior but before they even get out of the womb is just redicilious! I honestly feel for you that is awful but be happy that you have been blessed with the gift of a child and ignore her comments.

MysterySpots · 05/12/2013 09:23

My MIL was disappointed because DD1 wasn't blonde. Another IL was disappointed because 2nd DC was a girl. 'Never mind we'll love her anyway' Great, thanks. She's very blonde but that doesn't seem to make up for it. Honestly I can't believe how much some GP commodify their GC, as though they are toys for them to play with, or show off about. Although in your case she has apologised so she has some insight. And it sounds like she will adore DD when she arrives. It might be worth having a chat to see why her initial reaction was like that. It may have been a cultural reflex that she is now embarrassed about.

MysterySpots · 05/12/2013 09:25

Yes agree your husband shouldn't be calling you stupid although if this out if character he may be embarrassed by his mother

Meerka · 05/12/2013 09:34

It must be disappointing but give it a bit of time and let it go. She sounds absolutely amazing overall and if you weigh it in the scales this stings and is hurtful becuase it's such a precious time - but she is trying hard and she sounds like she's generally a really good mil. Just with a very strong cultural conditioning, which she's trying to fight. Some mil's are bloody awful nightmares heh, cherish the good ones!

Maybe in a few days you could make a comment that "you appreciate it's hard for her but you hope she can be truly glad it's a girl in a bit of time"?

You husband is being a little bit silly yes :) this is a very sensitive and precious time for a mother, as well as a father.

Meerka · 05/12/2013 09:35

and congratulations on your baby daughter :)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/12/2013 09:51

I think you're massively overreacting and, if you're going to survive in life, you need to develop a much thicker skin, find some assertiveness and not take everything so personally. People have opinions.... especially about babies/children because everyone's either been one, met one, been a parent themselves, seen a magazine article etc and they won't always chime with yours. Get used to it. If you're unhappy with someone and either say you're unhappy with their opinion or ignore their opinion. Don't scuttle off, say nothing and stew....

MommyBird · 05/12/2013 10:11

My MIL said the same with DD2.

'oh it doesn't matter, she'll still be spoilt' [hmmm]

no congratulations btw.

We don't see her anymore.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 05/12/2013 10:14

"Spoke to DH and apparently my feelings are stupid."

So his feelings are so important that you have to have a scan you don't want to find out the gender of the baby you are carrying.

But YOUR feelings are stupid and if they annoy him he will just ignore you.

What a fucking prince of a man you're married there.

MadeOfStarDust · 05/12/2013 10:23

my MIL had 2 boys herself, both boys have had 2 girls each ..... she was almost apoplectic when we had our second girl as we only want 2 kids.. and it was going to be her last grandchild

but it is all "ok" now as BIL got divorced... so "he will probably want more children if he meets someone else" ....

littleducks · 05/12/2013 10:32

My MIL said some odd stuff. She had 3 sons so was happy that first 2 gcs were girls, as she had always wanted a girl (poor dh as he is youngest son).

Then other SIL had a boy and two girls. I was expecting her to be happy no matter what with mine, but she was wanted boys again by then (as there were 'too many girls' in the family). I had a girl and then two boys and didn't tell her what I was carrying for my first two pregnancies to her great annoyance. She loves the children and they adore her so I mostly ignore any stupid comments and occassionally point out how much she has upset me.

specialsubject · 05/12/2013 10:36

breeding will out. She is stuck in the stone age and it looks like your husband is too.

he'd better change quick or else.

Imnotbeverley · 05/12/2013 10:47

I have had a similarly infuriating reaction from my mother over the fact that I am having a boy... My DM had 3 girls- what she always wanted apparently, then my DSis has had 2 boys. Clearly she was hoping for a girl out of me, and I have to say that it has very much affected our relationship. Sarcastic comments to others in front of me along the lines of "I was hoping for ANOTHER (as if there are hundreds) boy, I'm SO thrilled", and telling me stories about "poor so and so has just found out she's having another boy". She has also lost interest in my pregnancy (compared with before we found out the sex).

Honestly, although it does sometimes make me feel a bit sad, more than anything I just think that she is being a fucking idiot and can piss off if that's how she's going to be. However I do suspect that it will change when she meets the baby (due next week so we'll soon find out!).

People are strange, try not to let it affect your excitement. Congratulations.

caitlinsurrey · 05/12/2013 12:19

Its a little old fashioned but some people do think boys should come first. I would take it with a big pinch of salt and don't let it upset you. In our family its all boys and my DH nan loves girls so much when DH step sister had a little girl 3 years ago she's the apple of her eye and treats the girl completely differently from the boys. Not too fair on my sons but oh well. Yeah try not to let it get to you :)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/12/2013 12:47

How disappointing, she probably could have bitten her tongue off once she'd had time to reflect. Glad she is back to her normal supportive self.

DH was probably still simmering, he must have been embarrassed. Lots of people do harbour whimsical notions of doting on a mini version of their adult DC so it's not just about culture or patriarchy. He prefers not to dwell on it, I think you made your point by sleeping apart.

Completely see why you were taken aback at MIL's immediate response but try not to let this spoil the rest of your pregnancy. Until that moment you were happy and loved, I bet if she could rewind she'd react differently.

Original poster

Blahhhhh · 05/12/2013 14:22

Donkeys I think you're right. She does regret what she is but according to DH she has a point. As a boy would've made it easier for us lol stupid really.
DH needs to just be ignored for a while as petty as that sounds! Feeling better today tbh so just gona ignore it and whatever is said. It's just put a dampener on the pregnancy so will look at baby stuff tonight and that will bring the excitement back :) x

OP posts:

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