Crazy and controlling dh - relatively minor incident but please help me cope

[princessx]

I need to share my husband's (he is definitely not dh) unbearable behaviour. Hopefully someone can help me cope.

Background: we have a terrible relationship anyway and I've actually filed for divorce 2 yrs ago but didn't take it any further.

I had to make an important phone call tonight and I needed to get the children asleep first. There was no way round it, I had to tell H my plan, knowing that would be an open invitation to him to try and ruin things.

I simply wanted to say: I'll get the kids alseep as normal. Then I'll phone the woman. Please could you deal with the kids if they wake up.

Well, that meant he came into my room under the pretext of wanting to see the kids and spent an hour having a go at me about anything that came into his head. Then when there was only 45 mins to go until I had to make the call he cranked up a gear and started getting hysterical with the kids screaming and laughing. Winding them up as much as he could.
Finally he left the room and I was settling them down (I have a toddler and a baby) then when I'd turned the light out he came in turning on the light saying he needed some socks and having a go at me for not having washed enough socks for him, even though I'd specifically left a clean pair on his bed to avoid this very situation. By this point there was only 10 mins until I had to make the call. I ended up shouting at him to leave the room as I had to bf baby to sleep. Cue him to have a massive go at me for shouting in front of the children.

I slowly bf baby to sleep knowing I've already missed the agreed time for the call. Next minute H turns on all the lights in the hall and baby's room and starts hoovering with our really powerful dyson. Last time H hoovered? Never.

He knew I had to transfer the baby from my bed into his cot in the next room. This is almost impossible even with complete darkness and silence. I get out of bed leaving baby precariously in my bed next to my wide awake toddler to plead with him to stop.

Finally get baby into cot and make call 30mins later than I should have, only for baby to wake up during the call. H hollers for me to get baby for ages, as painful as it is for me to leave the baby, I ignore both of them. Next minute H has brought screaming baby into my face and stays holding him there, forcing me to end the call.

This situation is so much worse because it was H who was forcing me to make this call in the first place, and who put me in a situation where I had to make the call.

Can you believe the stress I'm living under? Can anyone help me cope?

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult, but none of my friends can appreciate what that really means. But this is the sort of behaviour that turns you mad.

He wants to isolate you totally. That's why he's saying no to all childcare choices, and why he wants you out of work altogether. If you are totally dependent on him for everything then he can do what he likes and you will lose sight of normality.

Get out. Ask for a refuge place, anywhere. It'll be better than staying with him.

Princess, you can get legal aid where there is abuse. This is abuse. When you talk to womens aid ask them for a recommendation for a solicitor who deals with abuse cases.

Good luck - and don't underestimate your strength. You've hung on to your job with an h like that, imagine how much easier everything will be without him...

Princess - are you OK?

oh God, this made me feel sick with fear. And you are living in it? The kids are living in it. It is just too appalling for words.

I'm not sure why WA were no help last time but do try again. Personally, I would get an urgent referral to a refuge so you can smooth your feathers and make plans (you would also get automatic legal aid). Its just too awful and yes, one of the worst things I've ever heard on here (which is saying something). Frankly, your friends are barking, or unpleasant ( excited when you were splitting up??? sick!), dump them too.

Do get the ball rolling - tell any and every official bod the true extent of this horrific abuse eg HV, GP, WA. Get it documented.

You have to get away, like, now. I think you're going to have to let go of what you have and almost literally run for your lives. You may well get a lot of it back but imo it helps to mentally let it go in order to save yourselves. You'd be better off in a shed than with this

btw refuges are great places these days! And you'll meet a lot of people just like you - because what makes you vulnerable and tied are the kids, regardless how much potential income you have. If it was just you, you could walk; not so simple when kids are involved. DV is no respecter of class just in case you think it is

Oh my god OP, you have the patience of a saint! How do you do it? I would be hiring a hitman by now.

Princess, you can show WA this thread if you don't know where or how to start. Hope things are okay. Take the opportunity tomorrow to get copies of everything - take a pic on your phone if necessary - and I'm sure you could get out this week with help from WA.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but be careful that you're not minimising the situation when you seek help. It's become so normal for you. But it isn't normal. It's awful, abusive and dangerous.

Take care

Please read your post to WA, any other incidents write them down in a similar way and read them out.

Make sure you take copies of all documents, pension, wage slips, p60, savings, shares etc etc. leave with a friend.

Keep a diary of incidents, maybe on here so he cannot find them.

He is clearly a very horrid man, please get out.

What about commuting to London, renting in bedford or northants. Train is £7000 a year, rent £600 a month (3 bed house in okay area in Northampton or Kettering) plus an au pair - sorry not sure of the cost. You won't be well off but you will keep your job and be safe. Bedford would be 4k season ticket plus £850 rent plus au pair. Not ideal but surely better!

Am guessing your take home is £2500 if no pension etc. plus £1752 per annum child benefit, what Csa would u get? Assuming £350 - that's approx 3k a month total. Less £1200 for rent and train, less au pair, internet suggests £100 a week (sorry if this is wrong). Leaves you £1400 for everything else, £1050 if he doesn't pay maintenance.

Looks like your husband has some MH issues.

Until you both acknowledge this is the case and put a plan together that will help keep his issues under control, you have no future as a couple/family.

When I read that this kind of thing seems minor to you I was very

Glenshee there is absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest her husband has mental issues!

A vile abuser, yes.

But suffering with MH issues?!

It's nothing to do with 'mental health'. In fact, with this abusive types, being abusive is measured, controlled, deliberate... because it is a very successful mechanism for the abuser. It inflates his ego. Does he sound like the type who'd sit down and talk about how he should be less abusive

We all have mental health the same as we all have physical health.I'd say that anyone who is thinking that his sort of behaviour is ok, must have some problems with his mental state of mind not being healthy surely? Not that he has a disease but he definitely doesn't have 'good' mental health

Hi op
I agree that you need to leave asap, especially as he's trying to stop you from returning to work and he is stalling your childcare plans. Do not let this happen!

Good luck

calculating and abusive yes. he is abusing your children too.

Glenshee "Looks like your husband has some MH issues"

O RLY? What's your diagnosis?

OMG..this cruel man wants to up your stress levels, drive you to distraction then when you end up ill due to his aggressive emotional abuse and gaslighting, he won't give a shit. He'll up the ante until you're a depressed mess. & you've got 2 young children how DARE he. Yes, you'll leave him and he'll be left to regret the mess he's made of his life..or, he'll find another woman to attempt to destroy. Negative misogynist bullies feed off this kind of thing.

Very rare that I say LTB but in this case, what other option is there?! You sound sensible enough to have no intention of living with this idiocy for years anyway OP. Whatever happens in your future it'll better than having him ranting in your ears, and your DCs growing up in the unkind and abnormal atmosphere he's creating. The noise levels alone of his shouting and raving must be a killer. This man wants you to have a horrible life, without a doubt. Don't give him the option.

Good luck OP, you've had some brill advice from other posters on this thread, and I've a feeling you'll take it. NO man is worth putting up with this situation for..

Glenshee, probably an idea to look into domestic abuse, how it works, what abusers do. It doesn't have to be violence or hitting; the OP's partner is doing a good enough job of destroying the OP from the inside out without hitting her. MH issues? could be, but irrelevant here. It is more likely a personality disorder which, incidentally, is notoriously immune to treatment of any kind (not that someone with a PD would seek treatment)

sorry, qualifying: not that someone with PD like this would seek treatment. He gets his kicks from what he's doing to her, he gets off on it.

Princess, legal aid is available in cases of domestic abuse. You've just got so used to your circumstances, and his behaviour that you don't think that applies to you.

Phone WA and tell them of this 'minor' incident and see what they say. There is nothing minor about this at all. It is all about control. He wants you to make a phone call. He also wants you to fail. So he does this. He sets you up and ensures you can't do whatever it is. It will drive you mad; but what he's really after is for your confidence and belief in yourself and your abilities to plummet to such a low level that you end up completely captive and subservient.

Thanks all, no chance to phone WA now as mil from hell is here now. Believe it or not she is a worse version of him.

Thanks for all your support. I'm really considering my next move carefully as I upped and left last time and was homeless living with nothing and trying to keep my poor little toddler happy. I have to say I really did regret it at the time. We weren't living rough, but going from friend to friend with a bag of our possessions, plus I was pregnant, it was a really horrible time and I really don't want to be homeless again.

I'll keep posting here to get an outlet for the strength. If anyone has inspirational stories of how they left that would be great.

Also I've found GPs not very helpful in the past. I suppose I've just hinted at problems but I need to spell it out in black and white. I have a rash that flares up whenever he's tormenting me. When I've tried to explain to a Gp they just pull a sympathetic face then prescribe me some cream.

Thanks to the poster who gave prices commuting from London - def something to think about.

My sister gets a rash that flares up when she's stressed too. Tell them why you're stressed - it's because you're living in a viciously abusive environment.

Please, please phone WA. They WILL help you! Start building a supply of cash, start looking at cheaper commuter towns, start pricing au pairs etc., pack some bags, keep important documents, start reclaiming your life!

You can email WA too, princessx
www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010018

I can understand your fear of leaving, considering what happened last time. It sounds as if you did it alone, with no outside help. But WA can help you. They've helped many women in the same situation. Hope you can contact them soon.

If it helps to post here, please do. Sometimes seeing things typed out on a page can really help, in itself.

Hi Princess, my heart bleeds. I hope you get to put a call in to WA soon.

I am absolutely certain that you don't need to have a perfectly coherent spiel ready rehearsed for them! Stuttering and stammering and umming and ahing is probably something they hear often, and they will help you to tell them what's going on. Good luck with getting the help you deserve x

I'm sorry, if I behaved even half as bad as that my wife would part my plums, and be fully justified in doing so.

I hate to think of you wandering about like a nomad, pregnant, toddler. It's just too awful

There is no need with the support networks available in this country (I assume you're in blighty? Which, although not perfect, at least has services in place for just this sort of eventuality, thank goodness).

You seem to feel it's hopeless, that there's no hope for someone in your position. This isn't true. There is a way to get out - which puts kipping on peoples' 'sofas' in the shade. There is conclusive support out there.

Do email WA and c&p what you wrote here. You may find it easier to write it rather than say it?