Crazy and controlling dh - relatively minor incident but please help me cope

[princessx]

I need to share my husband's (he is definitely not dh) unbearable behaviour. Hopefully someone can help me cope.

Background: we have a terrible relationship anyway and I've actually filed for divorce 2 yrs ago but didn't take it any further.

I had to make an important phone call tonight and I needed to get the children asleep first. There was no way round it, I had to tell H my plan, knowing that would be an open invitation to him to try and ruin things.

I simply wanted to say: I'll get the kids alseep as normal. Then I'll phone the woman. Please could you deal with the kids if they wake up.

Well, that meant he came into my room under the pretext of wanting to see the kids and spent an hour having a go at me about anything that came into his head. Then when there was only 45 mins to go until I had to make the call he cranked up a gear and started getting hysterical with the kids screaming and laughing. Winding them up as much as he could.
Finally he left the room and I was settling them down (I have a toddler and a baby) then when I'd turned the light out he came in turning on the light saying he needed some socks and having a go at me for not having washed enough socks for him, even though I'd specifically left a clean pair on his bed to avoid this very situation. By this point there was only 10 mins until I had to make the call. I ended up shouting at him to leave the room as I had to bf baby to sleep. Cue him to have a massive go at me for shouting in front of the children.

I slowly bf baby to sleep knowing I've already missed the agreed time for the call. Next minute H turns on all the lights in the hall and baby's room and starts hoovering with our really powerful dyson. Last time H hoovered? Never.

He knew I had to transfer the baby from my bed into his cot in the next room. This is almost impossible even with complete darkness and silence. I get out of bed leaving baby precariously in my bed next to my wide awake toddler to plead with him to stop.

Finally get baby into cot and make call 30mins later than I should have, only for baby to wake up during the call. H hollers for me to get baby for ages, as painful as it is for me to leave the baby, I ignore both of them. Next minute H has brought screaming baby into my face and stays holding him there, forcing me to end the call.

This situation is so much worse because it was H who was forcing me to make this call in the first place, and who put me in a situation where I had to make the call.

Can you believe the stress I'm living under? Can anyone help me cope?

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult, but none of my friends can appreciate what that really means. But this is the sort of behaviour that turns you mad.

He is absolutely vile.

It's great that you're planning to leave. You will feel like a new person once you're living away from him!

while you on mat leave you noly need a studio. do something to get away from him. then sort out finances. follow thru with the divorce. solicitor can get you back into the house and occupy it.

Please go and talk to WA, see if you can get out to a refuge, and be rehoused by the council. this is vile.

You can't have children living in all this, you can't live like this.

Sorry to be blunt but your husband is, at best, a Psychopath.

Get out now. If not for your sake, but for your children.

I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire

Princess, not sure if you are still her but wanted to check in. I am thinking about you. I hope things are going better for you today..

Just checking in OP I hope things are ok

My god. What an awful human being!

Get the hell out of there!!

Hmm thanks for all your posts. Looks like it's unanimous - he's a psychopath.

We have actually just moved to the outskirts of London, mainly for the reason that I will actually be able to support myself. It meant leaving my (admittedly very small) support network). Now I'm living somewhere where I don't know anyone but him.

I had such a bad experience trying to get benefits last time. I was heavily pregnant, also with a young child and I couldn't even get housing benefit, let alone on a waiting list. I couldn't even get an appointment with citizens advice bureau. I'm not joking, they wouldn't see me. My family didn't help at all. My friends all came to see me once after I'd left him, but that was it. But that wasn't actually helping as I had to cook them a meal etc, so I ended up more tired and poor than before.

I didn't even have anyone to help me with the birth or look after my toddler while I gave birth. I the end I actually had to ask H to come with me to the birth, and my toddler was in nursery.

I'm definitely not making excuses, just that's it's really hard out there. For me, leaving was the easy part, it was actually supporting myself that was so hard.

I've phoned women's aid once or twice, but they weren't much help. But I'll probably phone them again soon just to keep myself sane.

Please keep the support coming! It's good to have you understand and be heard.

Wow, that all sounds dreadful. If I lived closer, I'd have you round and cook for you!

Do an online benefits checker to see what you're entitled to. Then you can just apply direct for the ones you know you can get.

If you commute to work anyway, would you consider moving into a refuge somewhere else in London? It would give you time and peace to plan your next move.

You could start on a plan right now and take some time to leave. Just keep a low profile.
~

For example, looking for a job elsewhere in the UK, or closer to your family.

Making a diary of all the abuse he comes up with and so on.

Also seek legal advice.

As you have a baby can you talk to HV, so that some of it is on record? You can also talk to your GP about the mental abuse you're under.

I think he has the potential for physical violence, so be careful.
How did he react when you left?

Heavens, the saddest thing is that you need reassurance that its bad. It is bad, really bad, the freedom you will feel when you get rid of this vile man will be incredible.
As lweji suggests, take your time if you can bear to, and ensure that you get all the help and support you can for afterwards. I really hope that you make it out next time, I think I've read on here that it often takes more than one attempt to leave so don't worry about that.
In the short term continue to disengage from this tosser as much as you possibly can.

Thanks for your messages. Yes I will keep a diary. Things are actually getting much worse day by day. The only problem with lawyers is that I don't get legal aid, so have already spent around £8000 on fees last time. I was actually considering just separating for 5 yrs and letting the divorce happen automatically.

I'm back at work in jan, so I'll start trying to look for another job then.

The problem with having left then gone back to him is no one wants to hear how bad it is now. It was quite exciting for everyone when we were splitting up. But no one wants to hear how bad things are now, so I feel much more isolated than before.

I'm looking forward to going back to work to have a bit of normality in my day again.

What he's doing now is saying no to all my childcare options, and pressurising me to quit work to look after the children. I can't go ahead and book childcare anyway as my salary alone doesn't cover it. It's soooo unbelievably stressful.

If (when) he forces you out of employment, will you have maternity pay you have to pay back? Please factor this in to your calculations, my guess is that he has.

There is no coping mechanism for this amount of stress. You need to leave.

He's a fucking arsehole and you'd be entirely justified in throwing the nearest heavy object at his head. Of course then he'd make you out to be the abusive one.

Of course he wants you to quit, you know why, don't you?

Make plans and get out.

What childcare options is he saying no to? Does he have to have a say in then?

This reminds me of a story I heard about a women who was due to do an online exam. Her dear husband changed the password to their computer so she couldn't log on. She missed the exam and failed the course because she was so ashamed to tell her tutor what had happened.

Of course it's nothing like what he did. But I'm sure he'd be capable of such a thing.

I'm fuming on your behalf. Leave the prick and live a happy life and watch him eat his heart out.

I am hoping that you will ring WA, tell them you and your dcs are in danger from this mans appalling behaviour and need to get out. I'm sure you will find them helpful then and they will take the place of friends and family carrying you through the stages of getting settled.

There will never be a god time to do this as he will always make you believe you need him in some shape or form.

You don't need him. Ring WA as soon as you can today.

My god, your post brought me out in goosebumps. He is seriously, seriously awful. You poor woman, I can't imagine how dreadful it must be to live with a creature like that.

You will find the strength to leave him, and you will be able to make it work, one way or another. To go on living like that is untenable.

I don't know much about claiming benefits, Csa etc, but others on mumsnet do. Reach out to anyone and everyone who could help you get away from this situation.

Thanks folks - feeling a bit better already! I just phoned women's aid but wasn't sure what to say so hung up before they answered. I'll try again now, thanks

well done for being brave enough to try. You will be alright , peaceful and happy again.xx

You will be ok. You can do this. You just need a plan & most definitely don't give up work. Phone WA again. Good luck.

I agree, read them out what you wrote. Posters quite often say on here that their friends' reaction is less extreme than those of people on Mumsnet. I think there are a number of reasons for that, but often I suspect it is because, out loud, it is much harder to say all the words, to give the very precise detail that indicates the scale of the thing. If you need to read it to Women's Aid, do that.

Don't let him force you out of work!

Phone WA again they will be able to help you.

The people who care for you will still care for you when tins is done and this bastard is out of your life.

And we're all here for you.

As others have said, this is the most disturbing thing I have read on here. Obviously there have been other things which are more violent or vicious - but this is just... I don't know.

It's really calculated, for one thing. It's almost like he crafted it so that you'd find it hard to convey to anyone just how bad things are, IYSWIM. You know, so people would say something like: "Oh so he woke the baby? That's a PITA" or "Hey, he was hovering! Probably only trying to help."

It's the sort of thing I'd expect to see in a film about really sadistic, insidious DV. Because that's what it is.

Good luck. Get out of it.

He sounds really vile. Myself and dh can have a volatile enough relationship but there is no deliberate cruelty. He is a soulless creep. I real hope you can get free of him.