OK, I admit, I have an anger problem... Now what?

[FullOfTestosterone]

Can anyone help?
I have always had a very short temper, but now is ridiculous... I am really angry all the time, and manage to get upset even with a three year old because she spill milk by mistake!
My blood really boils, and most of the time I manage not to do something stupid, but I am always digging at people and sounding like a scarry mummy...
I want to stop! But don't know how!
Have seen Gp, who send me to the psych. I've just learned the waiting list is a year long!

What else can I do?!?!

I am exactly the same and am currently waiting for intensive treatment with a psychologist (4 months wait)the consultant who did my assessment said that it is my anger at my situation coming out ,but i will shout ,argue at anyone for anything .
for you because i know how tiring it can be .
Does your gp think that your anger problem is depression related?could anti-d's help?They didn't work for me but they might for you!

Ok.

Every time you feel that rage bubbling up in your stomach, go and get yourself a glass of cold water.

Make yourself not react until you have drunk it. It is really really hard, and sometimes you won't manage. But everytime you don't lose your rag is a brownie point to you. If you need to do something physical, go upstairs and thump your bed, hard, until you are sweating.

I have a rage problem too, BTW, but I am lucky enough to live in an area that offers NHS councelling! This is how my counceller has told me to approach this.

PFNM, you know? you have the best name! {blush]You always reminds me of kegels when I see you post!

It is exhausting isn't?!

I am daily willing to divorce my husband, leave my work and give up the kids. So pissed I am with everybody! Dh think I like to argue, which just angers me even more!

GP did diagnose me with PND - because I was so desperate when I went to see her.... But as time passes, and I get a bit of handle on life with two LOs, is becoming more and more clear to me that anger is the problem....

Did you get any suggestion of what to do while you wait to see psych?

Colditz,
Do you manage to do that when you are with the kids?

Most of the time I manage, sometimes it all gets away from me and ...

It's like my temper takes over my mouth. I say things I really don't mean, I behave in a way I would be horrified to see in anyone else.

I am also waiting to see a psych. The counceller says that behind anger is fear, and there may be some truth in that, because I hate to show when I am scared.

humm... I got referred to a PND study, and the interviewer asked me the best questions ever. Of course he decided I was no a good subject for their study, but he definetely help me see clear how irrational I am.
Anyway... He did ask me If I was afraid people were going to abandon me... I think I do... but I can't see a connection with my anger. Wonder if he was up to something...

Are you scared your stability is threatened? Do you have particular trigger?

I don't mean for day to day minor explosions, like 3 spilt drinks in 10 minutes, I mean when you would go absolutely fckn nuclear, screaming, swearing, crying, throwing things.

No sorry they didn't suggest anything,but coming on here helps me to forget things and is cathartic!
I struggle to stay off the ciggies which used to help me calm down.I know exactly how you feel and me and dp literally fight every day ,the times i have told him im leaving and have stood and screamed and screamed like a lunatic in his face and he makes it worse in the way he reacts to me ,like you said -like you argue for fun.I have to stop myself from self harming when im angry or from hitting someone else .This is why i daren't return to work at the moment because i will only offend someone or get so upset!
Available for a chat if you ever feel like it

Humm... I really need to find a cure for day to day...
Today, I could see clearly the fear on my poor DD's face when she did something very minor. I don't want to ruin her life! My dad was always mental, although very smart and sweet most of the time. I hated him when I was a teenager, and now I totally understand him, and am becoming like him! Have to stop this for DC's!

PFNM - what's up with our DH's? Half of the time I am screaming at him, and the other half wondering why does he put up with me?

Competley agree fot.
I know what you mean about the fear in your dc's eyes and the guilt makes you feel so much worse !

I see your point, FOT, but the thinking is that when you find your big trigger and start dealing with it, your irritability at the little triggers will drop.

My dad was like that. Lovely the majority of the time, when he wasn't dragging me around by my hair.

I hate irrationality! Does that make any sense?
I feel like half of the world are selfish, useless morons! Isn't it horrible?!
Sometimes I go mushy inside and think how wonderful people are... Then, I go out, and everything irritates me! The person that doesn't hold the door when I am carrying a baby and holdingf the hand of a toddler. My stupid neighbor that has to hoover his car at 9PM, although all the houses in the cul de sac has small children. and don't gte me started in politics!

But you are right, the little things don't bother me in the few days I am nice and relaxed... Perhaps I need to move to an island in the middle of the pacific?

I cannot believe that someone else thinks just like i do!I could have written that .

LOL! PFNM!

If you promisse to be perfect I'll let you in my island...

You, and a shrink to sort us out!

ouch.

can i join the irrational anger club please? i have actually been doing really well at changing it for a long time, but i often feel it lurking there under the surface, especially at times of stress. im MUCH much better than i used to be, and, hopefully, continue to improve as my mum was an unpredictable madwoman when i was growing up (and good in lots of ways too, dont get me wrong) and i sooooo dont want my kids to feel that way about me! no doubt they'll have their complaints, but i so dont want that to be one of them.

I recently read quite a good anger management book, got off Amazon, by Alice Katz called 'It's not personal'. It's a bit American, but has some very useful tips, including how to deal with your own anger and that of others (whether it's aggressive, passive or passive-aggressive people). Worth a try!

Nappies gallore,

Very interested in your experience. How did you manage to get better?

I woke up this morning decided to do be calm, and is not even 12 and I already scream bloody murder to my dh because he is so THICK! I am sure it is my fault... but I can't help it! it drives me insane!
Any tips and suggestions would be great!!

Gemmitygem,
Would take a look at the book!

it has a chapter on dealing with kids which is quite good. I'm 6 months preg with first and have a short fuse, so thought I'd try and get some hints before the baby comes!

Wish you all the best with it!

the basic premiss is that the things people do that get you really, really wound up, are not (usually) done with that aim in mind, and once you really understand that, you will get less angry. e.g. you get angry because you think 'that sodding neighbour is DELIBERATELY making that noise just to get at me', but if you think about it that he is just mowing the lawn or whatever because that's the best time for him to do it, you don't feel quite as angry..

Some mini strategies that work for me sometimes are:

• trying to see it from the other person's point of view, realising they've got their own failings and are muddling along, not actually trying to get your goat
• trying to see the funny side of what they're doing that irritates me
• try and laugh at myself and say things to myself like 'Come on Gem you old battleaxe, just chill out!
• pretend to myself that I am very chilled out, as if I was acting, like a game, to see how chilled out I can react to a situation, and then think 'wow, that wasn't that hard'
• deliberately try to be chilled out over one issue with DH and watch how grateful he is and how much better things feel between us.
• make a break and decide to myself: I can't be bothered to get angry about this.

oh, another helpful one: if something enrages me, take no action right away, either verbal or physical. Give it one hour, or at least 10 minutes. Then watch how much it fades..

these do help a bit, but really find that hormones make it worse!

This is all sounding so horribly familiar . Until a few years ago I was really calm and gentle - I used to lose my rag from time to time but not very often and only with DH. Now I boil over all the time - mornings and evenings are real stress points. The bit about seeing fear in your child's face really got to me...I once chased my DS#1 upstairs yelling at him and he was cowering on the bed before I burst into tears and ran out. Bless him..he came and found me and tried to comfort me which gave me a chance to apologise. I always apologise or at least try to explain when I do this but it horrifies me. DS#1 is a particularly trying child at times although fundamentally pretty damn wonderful. What really bothers me is that he seems to have my temper and my example obviously suggests that it's OK to let rip sometimes. He must be pretty difficult because even my DH (mildest person you could wish to see) shouts from time to time.

On Friday morning one of my neighbours said that her son had heard me shouting at DS#2.... apparently according to her lad I'm really scary...That really helped me to get things into perspective and I've been trying to keep things together since then.

Life just gets on top of all of us from time to time. We've got 3 youngish kids and both DH and I work and we have constant minor money worries...the usual things. It all gets too much I think.

Gem, you are absolutely right. I think the main thing I need to try to do it is not react immediatly.
You see, I always thought this was my best asset. I am quick to react, and that many times leads to problems being solved before they ever happen, IYSWIM. The thing is, that this is also my biggest problem. I have a very hard time putting myself on anyone else's shoe because I don't understand why isn't everybody ON all the time like me....
I think I know the answer.... is exhausting! But I just can't convince myself that anything is not my business... Morally I can't justify turning my blind eye if I could be doing something.
I guess what I am just really self-righteous!
I will definetely take your advice though, and try to at leats increase the time before reacting so I can think straight!

Joelallie,
DH and I are also fulltime workers and parents, and I do think this definetely makes things worst. It would really help to take a day out and relax to reset the stress levels....
Can you do that? Can you take a day off of work and do nothing? or do you have family close by (we don't!) that can give you a weeked day to yourself?

I realize the other day that DH was scared of me! He is double my size and my strenght! I had to laugh! I said what do you think I could do to you? So rest assured, I am the biggest monster around....