anyone else the high libido partner?

[ifIsaynodontjustaskdad]

I've always had a high sex drive, my dh not so much. 3 Dd later and I am always the one initiating, he does the male equivalent of lying back and thinking of England.

This is destroying my self esteem and making me very insecure (I have a history of being cheated on).

We have three preschoolers and both work long hours, but I don't even get a hug unless I initiate it.

Is this normal? I'm so frustrated it's not true. I love him but I don't feel that he sees me as an attractive woman any more, or even someone he has to make an effort with. I've tried giving him space and not initiating anything but after two months I cracked. I even tried buying the board game monogamy to get him to talk about it, but he just made a face and said it wasn't his thing.

What can I do? I do feel low libido partners hold the cards in relationships. How do I make him fancy me again. I feel really lonely.

You're not alone IfISayno, it's true low libido partners do hold all the power. It's painful, but it can't be the other way round for obvious reasons.

The loneliness, unattrativeness, frustration and low self esteem are part and parcel of this kind of relationship and if I had any answers I'd tell you. You can have spadefuls of sympathy and empathy though!

Have you talked to him about it all?

It's true, as Keepithidden says, they hold all the power. You can't change this and can only leave the relationship to help yourself.

Thanks keepit. I've tried to talk about it, bit it's just so embarrassing. Its really hard not to sound demanding or like I'm giving ultimatums.

I've read a lot of threads here from the low libido perspective and there is a lot about them feeling coerced by the higher libido partner, which is why I have backed off. I'm a very touchy feely person, I'd like sex maybe twice a day, at best it's twice a month, but I will have started it. I love him, I don't want anyone else, but I do want to feel desired and not like a burden.

When I raise the topic he gets aggressive and defensive in his language, silks and walks off.

I don't think it's a physical issue, no ed, but rather that he just couldn't be bothered with me, though I'm not sure he could be bothered with anyone else either

Same here. It's caused countless rows and heartache over the tears. I have absolutely no self esteem and feel pretty awful about myself. I have two older DC so am also coming to terms with an empty nest in the next 2 years... God knows how I will deal with that, as I feel as though the only affection I get is from them ( and the dogs)
I love him very much but often feel as though we should have split up, not so much because I want more sex but be Because I would like to feel better about myself.
To answers sorry

Inpraise I'm so sorry. That is what I don't want to happen. Intellectually I know I must be attractive because random men do hit on me, but dh is the only man I'm interested in, he's the only one I want to attract, and in some ways that makes it worse if that makes sense? He's an amazing dad, and a lovely guy, but I don't even get a kiss on the forehead unless one of the kids makes a big deal of it when he's kissing them goodbye.

I wouldn't even know where to start to try to seduce him, which is what one friend suggested. I think I could prance around like a lapdancer and be told it's embarrassing..

It's horribly embarassing talking about it I know, I've tried too and I feel like a sex pest or overly horny teenager! So yeah, I can see why you're reluctant to go down that route again.

Yes about the coercion thing too, it's horrible andm sickening when you've been told your pressurising someone you love so much into doing something that you feel they should want to do as part of a loving relationship, but they don't want to. Backing off is the only option, sadly it just makes you feel worse and gives them the 'green light' that you're happy in the relationship.

I've recently started counselling, on my own, with Relate to try and figure out a way through. It is helping to articulate my thoughts better in my own mind, I'd recommend it. I have previously thought about trying some Anaphrodisiacs, unfortunately the herbal ones don't work very well (Monks Pepper and the ilk if you want to Google it) and the prescription ones tend to have dodgy side effects (plus there's no way I'm asking my GP for them!).

Inpraise how does your dh react when you discuss it? The tears are all on my side here.

Keepithidden I'm on antidepressants though they don't appear to have had that effect, I was really hoping they would. If there are any anaphrodisiacs I would give them a go, but I've not heard of any that work.

I've tried backing off but he assumed that it meant everything was fine, like you said. I dint have a Bob (battery operated boyfriend) it is affection like hugs and stroking I am missing

Is relate expensive?

Isn't it donation-regulated? I'm sure you only donate what you feel you can afford. The waiting lists can be long. Would you consider individual therapy via your gp?

He might be an amazing guy but it sounds like, even without the sex, he's giving you no attention whatsover so no wonder you feel rejected all the time. I couldn't be in a relationship with no affection and to have sex with someone I have to not only love them but actually like them iykwim.

Either he makes an effort to change or he doesn't but if you are looking for a tactile relationship, you may have to cut your losses and find someone that is a better match for you.

I assume this wasn't an issue before you married?

Men's sex drives diminish as they get older. How old is he?

He's mid 30s. He worked away a lot before we married, as did I, so I think I just noticed it less, plus I'm besotted so I think I thought I'd get used to it, but I'm not.

What I'm about to say comes from personal experience. Very personal and quite recent too.

You're correct in that you must (necessarily) march to the beat of his drum. Please don't do what I did and attempt to coerce your partner into having more sex. It very nearly destroyed our (otherwise good) marriage. I approached it from a "this needs fixing, I can improve it" perspectiove- which was acutally more damaging. We were managing more than twice a month, but it felt as if I was constantly having to push for that!

The best advice I was given was to ...erm....self service. Sorry if taht's TMI, but whilst it's no substitute for real sex with your wife (I wanted her to want me if that makes sense) it did take the edge off things and improved my mood a little - and meant that I didn't pressurise my wife anywhere near as much. We still have mis-matched libidos; however, when I backed off, she found her feet (a little) and initiates alot more often. It's not perfect, but it's defninitely improved.

I have backed off, but it doesn't solve the feeling of rejection as you've said I want him to want me. The more I back off the less intimacy we have, it really is all driven by me and it's just so hurtful. He does thoughtful things like making me a cup of tea, but I don't get a hug. It's not like I always want sex, but affection ate touching would be good. I don't think self service would deal with that lack?

Self service won't make up for the lack of affection, it will give you a sexual relief and nothing else.

I don't think it's unfair to ask for an honest conversation. Complaining about pressure is a cop out nobody should stand for.

As an example: You wouldn't stand for a man who wasn't contributing financially without an explanation. If he tried to say the pressure from you for him to get a job made it less likely it'd be to the GPs for ADs/counselling to sort it out and if he wouldn't you'd label him a cock lodger and show him the door.

No, you're right, it won't. I know it's a horrible feeling. One thing you said which resonated with me was the validation from strangers. I felt almost disloyal - though I have to admit, it did make me feel like I didn't have two heads.

When this blew up for us, I turned here for advice, and on the whole got a pretty hard time - justifiably so to a point

I handled it differently, but the fundamental point was the same. Things have got better, my wife now understands where I'm coming from (so set your stall out clearly - not don't threaten) and things have improved. Sadly, there is no cure, just incremental improvements.

No matter how much you love him he's just not the man for you, I feel. Not really. He's failed to make you as happy as you could be with someone else.
As a man I've spent many years of my life in a similar situation. I just eventually realised that I'd married the wrong person. In my case it just added to several very crucial choices and decisions that I got wrong in my life.
You slowly realise that your partner just doesn't have it in her (or him) to be the way you want them to be and the way that would make you really happy, such as being very tactile and physically affectionate towards you and positively wanting sex with you. They're as incapable of this as others are of climbing up a vertical rock face. They can't reinvent themselves and become someone else.
So, if therapy didn't make any difference in the end, but you really don't want to walk away, you just resign yourself to continuing to live with and to love a less than ideal partner for you.
Of course you can find some happiness like this but you envy other people sometimes, people with the kind of partner whose nature is what you always wanted so much, but somehow didn't quite realise at the time. It's all just too bad but you get on with life.

I am seriously considering having a ons as I am so desperate for a bit of affection. My dh rarely wants to have sex-once a month if I am lucky,I would like it 3 times a week. He never kisses me or gives me a cuddle either

It is one of the main reasons our marriage is failing. I have tried to talk about and he gets very defensive and angry and says he is just tired. We did try Viagra last year but it made no difference whatsoever.

I don't see how anything is going to change as he would never go for counselling and I have to admit that I am getting desperate

Hey OP, I am in a similar situation to you. But DH blames it all on work. I've always had quite a high drive, and the first two years were great: equally initiated and always accepted. Now in year 6, I am the sole initiator, and even have to make pre-requests, e.g. how about saturday morning? Work comes first for him, and I have to accept that he wants a promotion, and until he gets that, I'll get next to nothing.

I've broached the topic of a battery buddy, but he just laughs it off, asking if its "that bad". It is. DH is mid 30s as well, doesn't drink much, but equally doesn't do ANY sport due to work committments. Whereas I do TONNES of sport to exhaust myself. I don't really like self-service as I think that its mean, but equally, I don't want to look back later, and think " oh, I should have done it more!".

Have you tried going away on holiday for a short break with a pool and sauna etc? That worked for us last time (2 years ago).

Thank-you for posting as I am really worried we are heading this way. It's always been clear that I am the higher libido partner. This didn't matter as initially we were both on a wave of passion, like the OP he works away a lot, and also we had some technical problems, mainly my vaginismus.

But now I constantly feel like I initiate. He doesn't turn me down (yet) but I am fed up of always initiating. I tried backing off to see when he would, but it turned out that this meant never as he assumed as I was happy. While I was waiting the lack of intimacy made my libido shrivel so then I didn't want it either, it was all horribly horribly depressing. And then I had so many hangups my orgasm disappeared as I was finding each encounter stressful. So then I felt bitter that I wanted sex but when we did he found it satisfying (having not wanted it in the first place) and I didn't.

Gosh this sounds v crap written down. At least it helps to hear others in the same position even if it looks like there are no easy fixes.

OP - Relate charges on a sliding scale. I'm using their email counseling service which is just under £30 a time. I'm rubbish at talking face-to-face (one of the reasons for the counseling!) and figured email offers a more flexible service and I can think and articulate about my responses more.

TeaAddict - Sport is good for me too, something else I can recommend to the OP. Exercise takes the pain away for a while and being physically exhausted makes it easier to sleep next to my wife.

Coping strategies is the MO for me, until either DW or I make a decision one way or the other.

I have a high sex drive. Once a day would be about right for me and I like a variety of what I would call quick shags and more meaningful emotional encounters. Intimacy is not always important, I like sex.

As women, I think we're conditioned to not believe we like a shag, that we need love and all the buggery bollocks that goes with it in order to enjoy sex, so, we feel guilty when we just like fucking!

On top of this, when men realise that we really enjoy sex (as individuals) they seem to think this means we will be unfaithful (this is my experience).

We're fucked by the cultural expectations our society places around sex.

Jeez, the simple answer is communicate, tell your partner what you want. In an ideal world we'd make our own agreements but we're all so socially constrained it's hard.

I have no answer...

As women, I think we're conditioned to not believe we like a shag, that we need love and all the buggery bollocks that goes with it in order to enjoy sex, so, we feel guilty when we just like fucking!

Brilliant!

It also works the other way, as a man I think we're conditioned to believe we like a shag and all the buggery bollocks is just that - bollocks. Unfortunately this is wrong for me (and I suspect a lot of blokes), which is why a ONS/wank/prostitute* just doesn't work.

• Ignoring the Feminist/coercion/sex trafficking aspects.

Ah well, that's cultural expectations for you.