anyone else the high libido partner?

[ifIsaynodontjustaskdad]

I've always had a high sex drive, my dh not so much. 3 Dd later and I am always the one initiating, he does the male equivalent of lying back and thinking of England.

This is destroying my self esteem and making me very insecure (I have a history of being cheated on).

We have three preschoolers and both work long hours, but I don't even get a hug unless I initiate it.

Is this normal? I'm so frustrated it's not true. I love him but I don't feel that he sees me as an attractive woman any more, or even someone he has to make an effort with. I've tried giving him space and not initiating anything but after two months I cracked. I even tried buying the board game monogamy to get him to talk about it, but he just made a face and said it wasn't his thing.

What can I do? I do feel low libido partners hold the cards in relationships. How do I make him fancy me again. I feel really lonely.

Hope the namechange works

Yes. Im the partner with the higher libido and it's chipped away at my self esteem and confidence over the years. I've now got to the point where I've given up even trying to initiate anything because it's hurt so much being rejected. DH is kind, thoughtful and great fun to be with which is why I've stuck at it. He's also a great dad.

I have fantasised leaving him so many times but can't do it because he's downright lovely, he just isn't very interested in sex. When I talk about it, it just seems so petty too. It's not petty, it hurts and it hurts a lot.

completely agree - men are screwed [excuse pun] we're all screwed because there is a refusal in western 'developed' conciousness and sexual politics to accept that, sometimes, we just like doing it, because, somehow, there has to be all this shit around the act.

NCT it isn't petty, it's a fucking defining characteristic of being human!!! the sooner women get to grips with the importance of their sexual well being to relationship success the better. You're undermining your SELF at the moment.

Most people solve this problem with infidelity IME.

Also agree with jayho Re western Sexual politics.

keepithidden , true, sport is brill, but when you're doing like 3 different types a week (aerobics, running, swimming or rowing), you start to feel like a freak. I feel funny at the leisure centre seeing other men look at my figure, knowing that DH is taking it for granted / not fully utilising it (?). Plus if I do too much exercise then I get more horny and irritable too.

Those who've tried talking it out with their other half how did that conversation go?

Did you have to be blunt? "We have mismatched sex drives and the constant rejection and lack of physical affection is making me feel rejected and sad" or more subtle? Of so how?

I tried it both ways. In fact, I tried every single approach I could. The fact is that you can't make somebody want you. I was actually having what some might call "regualr" sex (say on average once a week) but becasue of the way I'd behaved, it amounted to little ore than a "box ticking" exercise on her part - which frankly made me feel even worse.

please don't go down that road. The only answer is that you learn to live with it (I'd let it consume me) and hope that it gets a little bit better (which it has for me). Or, you find someone with whom you're more compaitable. It's safe to say that my wife never properly understood the effect it was having on me.

There is no easy answer I'm afraid.

Actually, one thing that did help is that we made more of an effort to be tactile. it felt a little bit forced at first, but it does feel like we've got to a place we can both live with. That's meant me compromising more than her. She's been unwell lately, so that's got her off the hook! :-)

Thanks for the thread OP it's been a good read for me and has helped me a lot.

For me personally I've experienced it where DP hasn't been interested at all and it's driven me mad. I'd lay their wide awake unable to sleep after he'd rejected me and he'd be snoring away happily.
It really does make you feel hideous doesn't it? Then comes the whole "does he fancy someone else" thoughts. Then eventually I'd tire of it all and stop trying altogether.
Then he starts trying weeks later because I'm not interested then I think "is he thinking of someone else" and all these silly thoughts.

Can't win
It's a cycle that has repeated a few times since we got together, not helped by the fact I found some messages to two ex's he'd sent weeks before I had his child. Nothing too bad might I add, but still it hurt like mad and made me question his feelings towards me.

I have recently took up running and it seems to tire me out so sex isn't an interest ATM. So ofc he tries every night now!!

ifIsayno, I approached it by asking him if he was happy with everything bedroom-wise, or if he could change anything, what would it be. He stated a few preferences, e.g. weekends rather than weekdays, mornings rather than eves, etc. Then I asked around it. Then finally stated what I would change, i.e. the frequency (or the lack of it), but that I would try to understand how he felt due to work (we both have stressful jobs, with him on fasttrack to management), and not pressurise him. But then equally I told him how I felt, and as I work in a male environment anyway, I would prefer to know that my hubby found me attractive etc, rather than playing to the games at work/away. That last chat was probably in spring, and not too much has changed. So I think that we'll probably have to discuss it again in the new year. Plus my MIL stays for long periods, so that messes up spontaneity.

OP - I approached it by saying I missed the intimacy, not just sex. We agreed it was something that had diminished and things did get better as far as non-sexual intiamcy was concerned: hugs, kisses general affection.

When I've broached the sexual side, then it ends up with being told that "this normal for a family with small children" and "All her friends are the same". Which is fair enough, it didn't make me feel any better though so I suggested counselling, which was assumed to mean I wanted a divorce! So I sought professional help on my own...

Hopefully it'll give me the skills to communicate my emotions without applying any blame.

I don't really have much advice for what to do re: higher/lower libido but I think you could address your differences through the "5 languages of love" www.5lovelanguages.com/

It sounds like your DH is an "acts of service" guy, so he thinks he's demonstrating his love by doing things for you, like making cups of tea, and noticing things that need to be done that make life easier. However, as a "physical touch" person, you need to feel desired in order to feel loved.

This doesn't mean that you're not compatible, but it means you need to be aware of each others sides and cater for that, and also acknowledge when the other person is doing something to show they love you in other ways.

I think the biggest issue here is the lack of affection /attention and unwillingness to talk about your needs within the relationship.
Sex aside, to not even kiss your wife goodbye unless encouraged to by the kids is a sorry state of affairs. Was he affectionate before you got married and had children? Is he interested in you, does he talk about future plans, what you both want? He sounds disconnected on more than just a sexual level.

Yes, if someone doesn't want sex then you are right they do to a certain extent hold the cards but to refuse to even talk about it is really not fair and would have the potential of being a deal breaker for me.

And, I hate to say it, but making you a cup of tea is a poor example of how he is attentive, I think your self esteem is so eroded that your expectations are really low.

Jayho made the best comments so far, and pointed out we are constrained by our socio sexual mores.

Perhaps we should look at our European neighbours who often have a more tolerant view on extra marital arrangements, such as the cinque a sept, a well accepted French erm, activity.

Taking a lover can save your marriage, should one be able to separate sex from love.

So - now I'm a target for sailing into MN's wind.....

no beachside, not all of us are up for extramarital affairs, despite what the media might portray. My DH is european and does not agree with them either, and for that matter, he comes from the most sexually liberal country that even has nudist beaches and naked saunas are commonplace, as is prostitution legal (pensions paid).

Some of us still have christian principles. Why should we be tolerant of extra marital affairs? Marriages can be saved, yes, it requires a lot of hard work, discipline and humility, but there is not always a need for an extra set of genitals, thank you.

I think that callani's suggestion sounds most helpful.

The worst place to be, every TV programme/film/written article on sex makes you die a little inside

I am divorced and been single AGES so no sex but that's ok because there is no expectation of it whereas when you are with someone you love and fancy but it's not forthcoming it's horrendous

I never found an answer

Hi All,

At first I thought it was just the sex I was missing then I realised it was intimacy as a whole.

For my wife I am like a much loved old family car; useful, loved in a way, not attractive, gets serviced as few times as required to keep going, not really interested in how it works, idea that it might want something is outlandish, you take a ride if you need to but otherwise stick to more enjoyable activities.

No idea if they were with another person they would be different.

For me, she is a Ferrari. And I'm a fanatic. I want to know everything about them to get the most enjoyment, I ask loads of questions and feel I know what she likes and doesn't.

It took me a while to figure all this out and now I just feel trapped, depressed and disappointed. I like to think I am quite a competent communicator and when we talk about it my worst fears that she just isn't bothered is confirmed.

I've resigned myself to just havope...ing a shit life and so I smoke and drink too much.

Just recently I've started investing again in other friendships where the other party appears to actually be curious about me and want to ask questions, remember the answers and understand me.

She is actually lovely and there is no ill intent. It's just a massive lack of emotional intelligence, curiosity, proactiveness ....

So, sorry no answers here. Anybody?

Sorry, OP - we split up because of it. My husband never initiated sex. Started tailing off in y3, staggered on another 12 years doing it maybe twice a year. He would never discuss it. "Oh, we're just out of the habit," he would say, if pressed. It made me feel rejected on a deep, deep level. Now I have a partner who loves and enjoys sex, and I am much happier. We didn't have children, though, so I felt in the end there was little to lose by splitting up. We did try Relate; there are also specialist sexual counsellors, perhaps it is worth you insisting on a discission with a professional therapist.

Just came across this thread. I'm in the same position. My DH is not that interested in sex. I used to pester him and it caused dreadful rows. Once during a row he told me to shag someone from work. Which he apologised for saying. Anyway I have learnt to live with it .
Not easy at all. So frustrating.
He is happier talking a lot to me (mainly about himself)and showing his love for me in other ways cooking for me etc. he's not tactile at all.