shocked, sad and confused. (engagement related)

[namechange111]

I am a regular but have namechanged so i'm not outed.

Myself and my partner have been planning all year to get engaged. By planning I mean he said he would start saving for a ring. He has quite old fashioned views and wants an 'expensive' ring. I, on the other hand, couldn't give a shiny shite about the price. I'm not materialistic in the slightest. I would be quite happy to pop down the registry office with just close family and a small social club do after. But he wants the whole big shabang. Fair enough, we agreed to compromise.

We have had numerous conversations about it over the past year. All seemed fine...until last night.

The subject of weddings was brought up and I asked him if he had saved enough for the ring with it almost being the end of the year and all. It transpired that he hasn't saved up at all. Not only that but he now wants to put off the engagement. I have to admit I was taken aback and a bit hurt so I left it at that and went to sleep.

Today, I have been speaking with him and told him how hurt I am. Not only hurt but confused. He said he loves me more than anything and still wants to marry me, he was just having a wobbly. I asked what has brought all this on and he says it is because a few months ago his Step Sister broke up with her fiance, and he doesn't want that to happen to us .

I calmly explained to him that lots of people break up everyday for lots of different reasons. But none of that affects us in any which way. I said that if other peoples relationship troubles are affecting his own, then he obviously isn't ready or mature enough to make such a huge commitment. Also the fact that he is quite obviously insecure within our relationship would not been a good start to engagement.

Aside from that, his Step Sister's relationship ended only a couple of months ago. So if he truly planned to marry me why hadn't he been saving before that?

The whole thing has left me feeling very confused about our relationship and what we both want. Up until now I thought we were both on the same page. But obviously we are not. I am quite unsure of what to do now. I have said that getting engaged is now out of the question as it is unfair on both of us. But where do we go from here? For me, this has changed everything. I know marriage isn't the be all and end all, but I really was under the impression (after A LOT of marriage talk this year, we even went ring shopping together!) that this is what he wanted too. Especially since he was the person who first suggested engagement!

I know it's a very first world problem, i just really needed a rant.

It is something I don't know much about, you're right.

I dunno, I look at 23 year olds and they seem so YOUNG to me, with so much ahead of them to be worrying about this kind of stuff.

As I say, I'm not feeling great today, and I don't seem to be able to think properly, much less articulate myself, so I'll leave you all to it and log out.

Good luck though OP- I hope you find the answers you're looking for

She already has a 4-year-old. This guy is not on the same page. And that's okay. But not for her to invest further in the relationship if she wants marriage and kids. There are those who do.

He is leaving work now. My son has gone to his grandmothers for the night.
Think I'm going to suggest he picks up some mulled wine on his way back and we will sit and have a good chat.
Communication between us has always been great, or so I thought. So this shouldn't be a problem. I will report back later tonight.

Thank you all for your opinions and suggestions. And don't worry BOF , I completely understand that a lot of people will see my age as an issue. Before I discovered my health issues I would have thought the same. But they have changed everything.

Just like to add, I got married at 20, DH is the same age, we are expecting our first baby in 8 weeks, we are 23. Age shouldn't be an issue here unless either you or DP see it as an issue.

Good look with your chat tonight, I hope you get some answers.

I don't think age is an issue, either. When you are confident about the person you are with, you are able to commit.

I know people who got married very early and I know people who dragged it for a decade until they finally left, only to have children or to marry other people soon after.

If he doesn't want now, I'm not sure he'll want it later. What will change?

Haven't read all the replies.....

But. If he's said he was going to save all year - we are in the last month after all - and hasn't done shit that would be very telling to me. (How is he with money in general?).

I would also be suspicious if he is "using" other people's split-up to stall - like you say, people split up every day... And people every day make that commitment again to stay together.

If it were me, I would be looking at 2014 with a fresh look at my independence.

just reread my post - I sound really harsh when I said "I don't blame him from wanting to maintain the status quo" - what I meant was if he wanted things to stay the same tat would be a fairly "normal" thing to want, but not all the while planning to marry you/stringing you along.

Good luck tonight.

Good luck tonight OP.

I'm sad to say I agree that this man loves you, but doesn't want to marry you right now (which in turn means having children - according to his criteria). He's not wrong for wanting to wait, but he is wrong for stringing you along.

I respect you very much for not 'forgetting' your pill to create a happy accident by the way. A lot of women with less integrity might have done. But I also agree that you need to find another method if its affecting your health.

I agree that it is crystal clear that this man does not want to marry you. It doesn't sound like he's all that keen to have children with you either, given that he's putting that behind getting married, which he's blatently stalling on.

I think you have to accept that that is his choice and focus on what you want. If you love each other, is that enough? If it's not, then you may have a painful choice to make.

He isn't wrong to not want to marry you, or to not want a child with you. That's everyone's right. To want or not want to marry. To want or not want to have children. There cannot be a 'wrong' in that respect.

He is wrong for keeping you dangling with promises that he clearly has no intention of keeping. If he was honest, then you would be able to make an informed choice. It seems like he wants to keep you in a relationship but is not willing to be straight with you.

That's not fair.

BeCool I know what you meant I wouldn't blame him either. I just wish (if that is the case) he would be honest about it. I was under the impression he was ready. He did instigate the idea of marriage, after all.

LastOneDancing 'forgetting' my contraception has never or never will be an option, that's for sure. My first son was a genuine accident. I was very lucky it was with someone who loves him to pieces.

He will be home soon so I am signing out making it look like I haven't been on Mumsnet all day

back later

I think he does love you but i suspect he feels pressurised by the time-frame.
He know that as soon as you are married then you will want to TTC.

In an ideal world, you have to decide, do you want more children or do you want him more. Problem is, you may miss your window if you wait for your DP to be ready.

From a practical point of view, i would also switch to a barrier form of contraception to try and preserve what fertility you have so that you can have another child either with your current partner or another one.

I hope it goes well tonight OP.

My view is you can't put much stock in any general reassurance about him wanting marriage and wanting kids. The key issue is does he want those things with you and in the short-term? It's very important you get these specifics as you may have some tough decisions ahead of you.

I think it is a tough ask for a 25 year old to go into this. Some people may step up following accidental pregnancy etc but this probably isn't on the timeline of most 25 year olds. But if he loves you he has to accept that you come with special circumstances.

Also come off the pill. Why is he making no compromises at all?

Slightly off topic but if you do come off the pill then you can do ovulation tests. I have endometriosis so my periods are never the standard 28 days (plus they are unsure if one of my ovaries even works) and so I bought ovulation prediction strips off the internet.

Pee in a cup, dip in the predictor strip and it will tell you if you will ovulate within the next 24 hours. So I used this to conceive ds2. Sometimes I would have to test for about 6 or 7 days.

Fingers crossed for you tonight.

Good luck.

I must point out that yes, you are doing most sacrifices here. Given he knows this is affecting your reproductive health (he is aware, isn't he?) then he could offer to wear a condom. Men can own contraception too. And I say this as someone who as use condoms for years for other health reasons.

You need a conversations with clear follow-up. Not just lovely words.

"My Doctor has already told me that being on hormonal contraception will ruin my chances even further. But I have stayed on it for him"

Um, whatever else you do, stop taking hormonal contraception ASAP.

Why on earth are you risking your fertility "for him"?

You don't owe him (or ANYONE) that kind of sacrifice.

That is a crazy thing to do.

please excuse my grammer i am on my phone again.

we spoke. at length. it wasn't the engagement or the marriage that bothered him. it was the having children.

he has gone to his mums for the night. i'm going to open a bottle of wine and try not to cry

My best friend had 2 children over the age of 35 with PCOS. I would forget about kids for now and sort out your relationship with him and whether you wish to continue with it. You are really young still. You should be enjoying your life, not fretting over shit like this.

Sorry you didn't get the answers you wanted name change but it does sound like you have your answer there. If he doesnt want children and you so desperately do then its time to go your seperate ways.

Sorry namechange. You can cry - you're allowed to feel very disappointed, he should have said this months & months ago instead of stalling.

But at least now you know how the land lies. You can take some control back rather than waiting in vain & make some decisions over how you move forward.

Disappointing for you but understandable given his age, he has got his whole life to have children. You do at least already have a child

Maybe you've spoiled his xmas surprise OP

But then.....

Have that talk.

Monty really - why post on a thread when you haven't read the OP's posts? Especially in relationships?!

111 I'm sorry :( Did he say why it's a problem - given you already have DS?... and why he hasn't been open/honest with you about it - especially given your fertility issues?!

I'm not surprised you're confused - a) it's the last thing you want to have to face b) he's telling you one thing and doing another.

You're going to have to talk to him. He's been dangling the marriage thing, then scuttling off when you take him at his word. For a year. He needs to tell you what's going on - he might be scared, but he might be not going to marry you. You probably know deep down which one it is. For what it's worth, I think the stepsister story smells of bullshit.

But cover both bases by starting to look around - for new places to meet men, new ways to live well without him. A bit of independence never did anyone any harm.

It's a horrible situation to be in - I really feel for you.

I have PCOS. And endometriosis. And myometriosis. I've had 3 miscarriages. However, I also have 2 children, aged 4 and 1, and I am 37. I was on the pill for a decade before we started TTC.

Fwiw the consultant gynae just fitted me with a Mirena coil (hormonal) when he did a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy - said that it'll help with the endo/myometriosis, won't worsen PCOS and wouldn't affect fertility once removed (ie just remove if I want to get pregnant). Personally I'm not convinced by Mirena, but if the consultant is sure that it has no lasting impact on fertility and doesn't worsen PCOS maybe you need to think about asking for a referral/second opinion? I've never heard the comments made by your GP - I was originally prescribed the pill to help with the PCOS and nobody suggested any negative impact on fertility. DH and I have been together 15 years so we wouldn't have left it so late if we'd been given any hint of a time bomb!

I do think that maybe your gp's comments have caused needless or out-of-proportion fear, and this is placing a lot of pressure on your DP - who is still very young. Enjoy your son, enjoy your relationship with your DP, and maybe get some better advice on how best to manage your PCOS/fertility. The fact you've already had a child - without trying! - means that the condition is likely to be less of an issue than you fear.

Oh, and I found vit D supplements the single biggest aid to managing PCOS.

Good luck!

OP you have my sympathy. It's an awful situation to be in at 23, & difficult to magic up that mature man who will want to have children. Perhaps someone a but older, or just someone nicer who will be honest with you.

It sounds like you need to get out of this relationship & thank your stars you found out now. Other guys would have had the back bone to be more upfront about their feelings on having children at 25. Your bf is in the wrong to have given you a year of hope that everything was moving in the direction you wanted, and it wasn't. The deception is intolerable.

I know he probably thought he was playing for time & he might end up feeling the way you do but it's selfish with something so important to you.

Have you asked him what he's going to do 5 years down the line when he's married to you but you can't have kids, as his current plans are leading towards? He needs to grow up fast. You're already there & he's got to catch up or be left behind.

Stand firm on this.