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Original poster

shocked, sad and confused. (engagement related)

83 replies

namechange111 · 04/12/2013 14:16

I am a regular but have namechanged so i'm not outed.

Myself and my partner have been planning all year to get engaged. By planning I mean he said he would start saving for a ring. He has quite old fashioned views and wants an 'expensive' ring. I, on the other hand, couldn't give a shiny shite about the price. I'm not materialistic in the slightest. I would be quite happy to pop down the registry office with just close family and a small social club do after. But he wants the whole big shabang. Fair enough, we agreed to compromise.

We have had numerous conversations about it over the past year. All seemed fine...until last night.

The subject of weddings was brought up and I asked him if he had saved enough for the ring with it almost being the end of the year and all. It transpired that he hasn't saved up at all. Not only that but he now wants to put off the engagement. I have to admit I was taken aback and a bit hurt so I left it at that and went to sleep.

Today, I have been speaking with him and told him how hurt I am. Not only hurt but confused. He said he loves me more than anything and still wants to marry me, he was just having a wobbly. I asked what has brought all this on and he says it is because a few months ago his Step Sister broke up with her fiance, and he doesn't want that to happen to us Hmm.

I calmly explained to him that lots of people break up everyday for lots of different reasons. But none of that affects us in any which way. I said that if other peoples relationship troubles are affecting his own, then he obviously isn't ready or mature enough to make such a huge commitment. Also the fact that he is quite obviously insecure within our relationship would not been a good start to engagement.

Aside from that, his Step Sister's relationship ended only a couple of months ago. So if he truly planned to marry me why hadn't he been saving before that?

The whole thing has left me feeling very confused about our relationship and what we both want. Up until now I thought we were both on the same page. But obviously we are not. I am quite unsure of what to do now. I have said that getting engaged is now out of the question as it is unfair on both of us. But where do we go from here? For me, this has changed everything. I know marriage isn't the be all and end all, but I really was under the impression (after A LOT of marriage talk this year, we even went ring shopping together!) that this is what he wanted too. Especially since he was the person who first suggested engagement!

I know it's a very first world problem, i just really needed a rant. Sad

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/12/2013 15:32

In which case he isn't prevaricating because he just hasn't got round to it , it is because he doesn't really want to - now or in the near future, if at all.

lola0106 · 04/12/2013 15:32

Is there a chance at all he is trying to make you think he hasn't saved up, when in fact he has a ring and wants the proposal to be a surprise?

aujordoui · 04/12/2013 15:35

Tell him it's over then. You can't waste your life like this.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 15:42

Maybe he feels like you are pressuring him into something that he isn't ready for if you have been sending him screen shots of rings and clearly expected a proposal by the end of the year. He may well see his future with you but is not 'there' yet.

Or he may not want it at this moment in time.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you, but the whole wanting to get married and have a child before its too late thing may not be a good enough reason for him to do it before he feels ready.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2013 15:42

Doesn't matter how old they are, she has a health condition that limits her fertility.

Original poster
namechange111 · 04/12/2013 15:45

I am 23 and he is 25. I am aware we are both young, hence me thinking he just isn't ready. My problem is my fertility. every day that passes is another day of my already very crap fertility gone.

I love this man completely. He is a fantastic partner and (aside from this problem) treats me like royalty. He is fantastic with my son and works extremely hard to take care of us.

I just really resent the fact that he is stalling. Yes, selfishly because i know each day my chances of having another child are disappearing. My Doctor has already told me that being on hormonal contraception will ruin my chances even further. But I have stayed on it for him and to avoid an unplanned pregnancy. I just can't stand the thought of waiting anther couple of years only to find out i can no longer have children.

He has been to GP appointments with me and understands the seriousness of it. But yet he is still stalling.

OP posts:
aujordoui · 04/12/2013 15:46

Does he want children?

LIZS · 04/12/2013 15:47

My Doctor has already told me that being on hormonal contraception will ruin my chances even further. But I have stayed on it for him and to avoid an unplanned pregnancy. Seems like you are making all the sacrifices here. He isn't ready and may not be in time . How would you feel to be in this position in a few years' time , he agrees or you give up and move on then discover it is too late :(

givemeaclue · 04/12/2013 15:50

It all sounds very serious and lacking in the fun of just being together at your age.

Original poster
namechange111 · 04/12/2013 15:50

He says he does want children - once we are married. But he is stalling the marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange111 · 04/12/2013 15:52

I know it is all very serious, givemeaclue. But unfortunately, I don't have time to waste.

Don't get me wrong, we have a lot of fun together. i laugh until it hurts every day that i am with him. we have a very good, strong and loving relationship. Which is why this has come as such a shock.

OP posts:
SantasLittleLineRunner · 04/12/2013 15:54

It's the dissonance between what you thought you'd got and what you've now got (since last night) that would worry me.

Floggingmolly · 04/12/2013 15:54

He doesn't want to marry you. There is no other explanation for his insistence on saving up for an expensive ring you don't particularly want; and then failing to actually do the saving Confused
It's a delaying tactic pure and simple and you don't have time to delay any further. And he doesn't treat you like royalty if he's not being honest with you.

LIZS · 04/12/2013 15:54

Would you still want to be with him if children weren't an option ?

Original poster
namechange111 · 04/12/2013 15:57

I would like to say that I would be with him no matter what. If he, for instance, discovered he couldn't have children, i would of course stay with him and try different alternatives.

If he said he didn't want children, I would have to leave.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 04/12/2013 15:58

I agree it sounds like he just isn't ready to commit to marriage or having a child. Which, to be fair, is probably true of many 25 year old men. Obviously your fertility situation complicates things here, but still, if someone doesn't want to/isn't ready to be a parent, there's not much anyone can do to change that.

It leaves you with a difficult decision, of course, but only you can make that choice.

JRmumma · 04/12/2013 16:00

This might not be very helpful and i 100% understand your reasons for wanting to be sure your relationship is 'for keeps' before you have another child, but if your fertility is your main concern then maybe think about whether marriage is actually necessary and if not then don't focus on it and focus on having a child together (if that's what you both want obviously).

Also, what happens if you do get married but then he is not ready for children?

Twinklestein · 04/12/2013 16:05

Do you think he maybe isn't ready to have children yet, or maybe he's unsure about commiting to someone who may not be able to have a child? Have you talked about that?

I would ask him, if he loves you, to tell you straight where he is and not waste your precious time.

BOF · 04/12/2013 16:09

You are both FAR too young to be getting married, really you are.

Have you seen a specialist about your fertility? I am finding it hard to get my head round the doom laden scenario you are painting- you may well find there are other options. It just doesn't seem like a great idea to me to rush into marriage at the age of 23 for the purpose of reproducing.

I don't know, I'm not explaining this very well (I'm really shattered today), but it just doesn't seem at all sensible to me.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2013 16:16

How patronising! She was a mother at 19, fgs. My husband and I got married when he was 23. We had our first child when he was 25. Still together 12 years on.

BeCoolSodaPop · 04/12/2013 16:16

How long have you been together? I met Dh when I was 22 and he was 21. He was still at uni, I had already graduated and was working.

We moved in together after a year, got engaged 3 months after that and were married at 25 and 24 respectively. So 3 years from when we got together to when we were married.

From the word go, I knew Dh was the one for me and he felt the same. We have now been married for 14 years.

Your situation smacks of you making sacrifices especially with regard to your fertility - why can't he wear a condom rather than risk your chances taking the pill?

He maybe waiting to see if something better comes along; keeping his options open so to speak. Which is why he dangled the shiny engagement ring promise to you, surely it puts you on your best behaviour for a year.

If he really wanted to marry you more than anything then you would be engaged right now. Actions speak louder than words.

And I had fertility issues, we weren't trying, I just became ill. After 18 months of medication and surgery, at 28 years old I was told that I would probably end up having IVF to conceive, they would try clomid if we tried for 6 months first. It was a shock, we weren't ready for children despite being married and financially stable we were too busy having a whale of a time together.

But we talked about it for hours, and realised that this wasn't something to mess around with. So we decided to try, 2 weeks later I was pregnant. It was a shock but a nice one. Ds1 is now 10. So for me the fertility bit is critical for you.

DontmindifIdo · 04/12/2013 16:18

I don't think you are wrong to want marriage before getting pregnant again, marriage doesn't stop relationships breaking up, but it does mean that if you are the lesser earner and the major carer for the children, you would be in a safer position if the relationship did end.

Anyway, I think you need to stop putting him first. Stop using the pill, but tell him you want to use condoms (refuse sex if he won't wear one) and avoid having sex on your most fertile days. You should stop fucking with your future fertility just to make things a little more comfortable for him.

Tell him you want more children within the next 2 years, you want to be married first, so that's his timeframe. If he doesn't want that, then fine, you'll give him 6 months to make his mind up and take action (not just words, actually propose, or if he doesn't want to do that, start planning a wedding at least - repeat you are happy for a registery office wedding and no engagement ring, perhaps he can continue to save and buy you the bling he wants as an enternity ring), then once the 6 month grace period is up, you'll consider his words to be lies and will end your relationship and start looking for a man who will give you what you want.

It's ok for him to not want to be married, it's ok for him to not be ready for DCs, it's not ok to lie to you.

BeCoolSodaPop · 04/12/2013 16:19

BOF for me I had run out of medical options to delay having children. No cure, tried all the drugs, had a the surgery just have aggressive form of my illness.

I read everything I could on the matter, overhauled my diet, tried alternative treatments ie acupuncture, chinese herbal medicine. Still the same outcome.

BeCool · 04/12/2013 16:22

I would say he doesn't want to get married and is constructing lots of barriers for whatever reason (doesn't want to commit, feels you are both too young, likes things how they are etc).

All these barriers to marriage have been constructed:
Must get engaged
To get engaged you need a ring.
Ring must cost X amount which must be saved for.
Saving not occurring so not ring, no engagement, no marriage.
PLUS - relatives engagement is broken boo hoo what does this mean for us?!!
Wants a big expensive wedding, bur if there is no ££ for ring, imagine how long a wedding will take so save for?

All the while you are saying you don't want ring, you are happy for a low cost wedding, you just want to be married.

You are clearly NOT on the same page here.

You already have a child and have fertility issues. You are both very young. I don't blame him for wanting to maintain the status quo for a while, but he isn't being honest with you. You have told him how much marriage and another child means to you. If he was to say outright he didn't want this in the foreseeable future what would your response be? Because as I read it this is what his actions are saying.

I don't think he is being honest with you - maybe he's a jerk, maybe is afraid and just not brave enough. But it seems quite clear to me not only are you not on the same page, but you're not even reading in the same library .

Original poster
namechange111 · 04/12/2013 16:23

BOF, one of the conditions i have is PCOS. there is no cure, or even 'proper' medication for that matter. At the moment I am on the highest dose of Metformin, which is actually a diabetic drug. But all that does is keep some of the symptoms like excessive acne under some sort of control. there probably would be other options for me later in life. But to be honest, if I have a chance to have my own child i would like that ore than anything.
At the moment I am only fertile about once a year. But i still menstruate, so it is near impossible to tell what month of that particular year I am able to conceive.

My fertility isn't my only reason for wanting to marry my partner. But it is the main concern for us not marrying.

OP posts: