DH on gay porn chat sites - help!

[veryconfused2]

I have just has an awful shock and found my DH of 3 months had 2 secret email accounts. They were being used to access cross dressing chat sites and a gay chat site which was targeted at men into cottaging (I had to look it up to discover what it meant). It seems to be mainly dirty messages and he is adamant he hasn't met anyone.

He last accessed these sites a month before our wedding and then I found he had logged on to the linked emails, to delete pictures of himself in MY underwear he tells me.

He says this wasn't about his sexuality but thrill seeking and that he needs to get an interest instead. He had been on these sites for about / years he tells me.

I never suspected this as he is normally very honest and always at home.

We have a child who has special needs so it is not as simple as just separating as that would cause so many issues for my DS.

I don't know what to think or do, so just want some perspectives really.

And he will continue to lie to you.

He has certainly drip fed the details. I was stupid enough to believe him when he told me he couldn't remember the sites he was on. I found it by googling his username and restoring the account!

Counselling is made for situations like this. Relate or some other such thing.

Hope you can both work something out.

And the lying was there from day 1 as I found eBay records of underwear purchases from when first together. That was good in anyway as it confirmed it had not been a reaction to anything I had done

God no, none of this is your fault at all

Don't even go there

Exactly, of course you aren't at fault but you fell for someone you didn't really know. I don't mean re sexual idendity, but in how he was prepared to exclude you from what he wanted because he saw him as being more important that you.

I've posted this before but hubby and u married to make the other happy, we didn't marry to make ourselves happy. I can't help but wonder if he ever thought this way about you and therefore maybe you deserve to break free to find someone who would. Only you can decide but there's certainly lots of questions that need to be asked and resolved if your relationship can be salvaged.

He is living a lie and he has involved you in it now. You don't have to go along with it.

First, he should apologise for lying to you. He should accept 100% of the blame for lying. He should disclose absolutely everything. None of this 'can't remember' crap.

He should recognise that you have married him under false pretences and now you need some time to decide whether a) you want to stay and b) if you are able to stay.

If you think you can live with this new person, then you might start by addressing his 'addiction'.

He calls it an addiction because he thinks this absolves him from blame. In reality he is choosing how to behave.

On top of all of this, you have the fact that he cheated on you. The only tangible reason you can give for staying with him is that you think you need him to help you cope with your son.

The whole situation is a mess, it's no wonder you can't think straight. Take your time.

Imho, I think you should ask him to move out so that you can have some space to decide what you want and also to see how you get on on your own with your son.

Tiggy if he was sending pictures of himself to women, rather than men, would you still say this:

Try to think of it being a part of him that he's kept bottled up inside of himself for years. He's hidden it because he hates that side of himself and just wants to be normal, or because he loves you but knew he could never tell you because who would want to be with somebody like him.

Well, he now says he may be bisexuals and has been looking at images of what can only be described as shemales- ie with boobs but cocks! This is all getting too much for me to process so I have booked counselling. Needless to say I am very hurt that this has gone on since the day we met and all of the run up to our wedding and 2 days after! He says he compartmentalised the 2 parts of his life but I just can not get my head round it

Sexuality is a fluid and complex thing. Gay/straight/bi/whatever mean nothing. The real issue is the lying by omission/lack of honesty.

I am starting to wonder if I can excuse the lying by him being confused but I can not get my head around how any sane person could do this so close to their wedding!

If you don't want this to be part of your life, that is completely your choice.

You are not obliged to "get your head around it"

if you cannot, I for one would not blame you

he sold you a lie, that is the bottom line, knowing that if he had been clear with you from the start you may not have made the decisions that you have

I have some sympathy in that he may not have been clear with himself for some time, but now he is the choice is yours whether you stay with him or not

Mist that is pretty much my thoughts on it. I feel like I have been cheated out of the chance of a proper relationship and he has brought my DS into this and as I see it, he is the one who will suffer

Your DS doesn't have to suffer if you split, but he certainly will if his mother feels unhappy, trapped and not living the life she was promised