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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH on gay porn chat sites - help!

63 replies

veryconfused2 · 04/12/2013 08:40

I have just has an awful shock and found my DH of 3 months had 2 secret email accounts. They were being used to access cross dressing chat sites and a gay chat site which was targeted at men into cottaging (I had to look it up to discover what it meant). It seems to be mainly dirty messages and he is adamant he hasn't met anyone.

He last accessed these sites a month before our wedding and then I found he had logged on to the linked emails, to delete pictures of himself in MY underwear he tells me.

He says this wasn't about his sexuality but thrill seeking and that he needs to get an interest instead. He had been on these sites for about / years he tells me.

I never suspected this as he is normally very honest and always at home.

We have a child who has special needs so it is not as simple as just separating as that would cause so many issues for my DS.

I don't know what to think or do, so just want some perspectives really.

OP posts:
bragmatic · 05/12/2013 07:59

Agreed with Fairenuff.

Cut your losses and move on.

Original poster
veryconfused2 · 05/12/2013 08:28

He has been something with females. I have also found a video camera site he is registered on, which was set up less than a month before our wedding ffs!

I think he is either ill or a pathological liar as he claims he can not remember how many websites he is on. He seems distressed that he can't remember. I have told him to go to a counsellor and that I wanted tape recordings of the sessions. He refused and started saying it was private. Really annoyed me as I need to know everything now not his glossed over version.

It is DS (his stepson, my son) that makes me not leave him yet as he has ADHD and autism and the last thing he needs is a change in his life. He is also very difficult to manage with his ADHD and as he gets bigger I genuinely fear if I can physically manage him with his ADHD

OP posts:
TiggyD · 05/12/2013 09:51

Sound like he's at least bi. Many men like transvestites because they can sort of convince themselves they're not gay when they have sex with them. Hmm

Andy1964 · 05/12/2013 10:52

I think he is either ill or a pathological liar as he claims he can not remember how many websites he is on. He seems distressed that he can't remember.

He will try to cover his tracks, he will lie. He will be very ashamed of what he has done and immensely embarrassed.

I have told him to go to a counsellor and that I wanted tape recordings of the sessions.

This will just make hime more secretive and is probably not the way to deal with these issues.

He refused and started saying it was private.

Ahh, yes. Now he is more secretive.

Really annoyed me as I need to know everything now not his glossed over version.

Yes you do, but like I said you need to be patient.

You were given some very good advice by both me and sammyad yesterday.
I will now put my hands up and admit that I was like your husband several years ago, my DW was just like you too, wanted to know all the answers.
Unfortunately you will not get all of the answers in one go. It's very embarrasing for a man to admit that he has crossdressed, contacted both men and women online, been on webcam online.
He will be feeling very guilty and alone at this time with little or no support. He deserves to feel like this, I did.

If you truly do value your marriage then please take the advice that sammyad and I gave you yesterday, we have both had first hand experience of this and we have both come out the other end with healthy loving marriages.

Feel free to PM me if you would prefer to talk in private

sammyad · 05/12/2013 13:04

What you said about not remembering struck a chord OP - my DP didn't remember doing half the things he got up to. (He admitted they'd obviously happened, faced with the evidence, but I believe genuinely didn't remember specifics). As Andy says, embarrassment is likely to be a huge factor, as is repression of a part of himself he doesn't like, and will be frightened you will leave him over.

Also, just a thought, as his DS has ADHD - could that be something your DH has as well? He may never have been diagnosed/ only have certain traits, but it can cause impulsive behaviour, poor decision-making and an appearance of poor empathy, as well as memory problems. (Again, personal experience with DP.) It can appear completely inexplicable, pathological behaviour to those who don't have it!

I'm not in any way trying to excuse your DH - what he has done is a betrayal, and unacceptable. But betrayals can be got over, given time, and understanding (not the same as excusing) how and why it happened is a good place to start. It is completely possible for both your relationship and each of you as individuals to grow from this point. Really keeping fingers crossed for you.

FluffyJumper · 05/12/2013 13:19

I am sure no decent councillor would allow a third party to insist on recording sessions. I have never heard of this and there are obvious reasons why this is a bad idea.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 05/12/2013 13:33

It is DS (his stepson, my son) that makes me not leave him yet as he has ADHD and autism and the last thing he needs is a change in his life. He is also very difficult to manage with his ADHD and as he gets bigger I genuinely fear if I can physically manage him with his ADHD

Okay. I'm going to say this in complete sympathy as someone who is in the process of separating and has a son with similar disabilities (and I'm also concerned about physically managing him as he gets older and stronger). So please take this comment as it's intended and not as a snipe...

You cannot stay with a partner simply for him to be a convenient bouncer or physical containment personnel for your DS. This is completely and utterly irrelevant to your relationship with your partner.

If you have concerns about physically managing your DS, you do what I (and other parents) do... you speak to his paediatrician and find out about courses or classes that will teach your appropriate and safe restraint holds to keep both you, your DS, and any others nearby safe in the event of a meltdown. You get both yourself and him involved in some type of "anger management" programme NOW or speak to his paed or OT and get anger management techniques and start setting strategies in place NOW, so that when he is a hulking pre-teen and teen, some of the groundwork is already laid and you can head off the worst of it (hopefully).

But do not use him as a reason to stay with someone in a relationship. It's not fair on you or him.

Fairenuff · 05/12/2013 16:52

You can stay with him. But, as you now know that he is cheating on you and you are willing to accept it, you will have an open relationship. At least, open on his part.

If you are waiting for it to be an easier time to separate, when do you think that will be? What age is a good age for your son? Realistically, there is never a good time, it is always difficult, no matter when you do it.

So, there's your choice - stay with a cheating man, or go through the difficulty of a separation. Not much of a choice but, in the long run, which do you think would be best for you and your son?

Andy1964 · 05/12/2013 17:15

Fairenuff
You can stay with him. But, as you now know that he is cheating on you and you are willing to accept it, you will have an open relationship. At least, open on his part.

My DW would not descibe me as a cheat or our relationship as open, in fact she would be quite offended!

Sometimes couples work quite hard after shock revelations rather than just give up at the first sign of trouble. Quite often, when they have been through difficult times they find themselves coming out the other end with a stronger bond and love than ever before.

Fairenuff · 05/12/2013 17:19

Yes Andy that might be so in your relationship. But OPs dh has been lying to her about his sexual activities with other people. That's cheating.

Original poster
veryconfused2 · 06/12/2013 12:24

An update- I now have evidence of over 800 messages and photo exchanges some the day before our wedding ffs and after! I also know he was a cross dresser from the day we met now as have found evidence of underwear purchases. I am devastated by this but not for myself so much as my poor DS as he is the only one who will suffer.

OP posts:
Original poster
veryconfused2 · 06/12/2013 12:27

That is good advice Alice and I know exactly where you are coming from. My DS Has a lot of behavioural therapy and Ritalin, he can be a little angel when the Ritalin is working with him but he literally can not cope without it. I just feel so guilty as I have worked so hard for him to get him into the best school and all that feels compromised now.

OP posts:
Original poster
veryconfused2 · 06/12/2013 12:30

That is good advice Alice and I know exactly where you are coming from. My DS Has a lot of behavioural therapy and Ritalin, he can be a little angel when the Ritalin is working with him but he literally can not cope without it. I just feel so guilty as I have worked so hard for him to get him into the best school and all that feels compromised now.

OP posts:
Original poster
veryconfused2 · 06/12/2013 12:31

Sammyad- I can see what u are saying but him doing it the day before our wedding I don't know if I can handle. He admits know he was lying as couldn't face it. Very easy to find the evidence with google though

OP posts:
sammyad · 06/12/2013 12:56

Completely understand what you're saying OP. This must be so difficult for you- so sorry you're going through it.

entertumbleweed · 06/12/2013 17:49

I've also been in a similar situation though my partner had actually met a man on two occassions. We worked through things with help of an experienced sexual counsellor. Turns out straight men on gay sites is more common than you think but I know how mind blowingly difficult it is to process. Happy to chat more via pm :-) though obviously your situation might be very different if he's totally honest and committed to you then there might be a way through.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2013 20:24

I am so sorry OP. This must be so very hard for you to take in. I know a lot of posters are being very cool and suggesting that you should empathise/accept him like this, but you have been living a lie.

He has been cheating. What do you want?

superdooperpenguin · 06/12/2013 20:39

OP - I am so sorry this happened to you and DS! I understand all your worries surrounding DS but agree with Fairenuff - what do you want? I know I'm being blunt but your DH sounds as though he will never change, given his record in his previous marriage. If you truly think your partner is capable of change and want to try again then go for it - but only if he is 100% willing to reciprocate your effort. This is only my opinion and means nothing in the grand scheme of things in your life - but I think he's betrayed you and DS hugely. You both deserve a better and truer life than this xxxx

Original poster
veryconfused2 · 06/12/2013 23:41

The problem is he is a nice guy and we do get on. He is great with DS (who is his stepson). My main concern in all this is DS. I only cry when I think about DS. I have spent the last 3 years getting him diagnosed with ADHD and finally into a mainstream school and I am so frightened of undoing that. I just don't know if I can get over this though, he clearly has an addiction.

He wants to stay together and says he loves me and DS. It is like he is 2 people though, split personality almost. I think we could have a good platonic relationship but anything more I am not sure

OP posts:
thecook · 07/12/2013 00:13

OP - Try the Beaumont society.

In my opinion it is usually straight men who cross dress. I worked in the adult sex industry as a maid for many many years and can confirm this.

TiggyD · 07/12/2013 10:10

It is like he is 2 people though, split personality almost
Try to think of it being a part of him that he's kept bottled up inside of himself for years. He's hidden it because he hates that side of himself and just wants to be normal, or because he loves you but knew he could never tell you because who would want to be with somebody like him.

It's not an addiction.

Try Transpartners rather than the Beaumont Society.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 10:31

I'm with fairenuff.
If this were a completely straight guy cheating on his wife, people wouldn't be minimising it and looking for reasons for you to overlook it

The guy is a lily-livered, deceitful, conniving, common or garden cheat

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/12/2013 10:32

I also think there is lots more you haven't yet discovered Sad

Original poster
veryconfused2 · 07/12/2013 10:43

He describes it as an addiction and all I can say is it must be pretty out of control to do it the morning before our wedding and 3 days after return from honeymoon.

He says he has been like it for 6 years or so but wasn't always like it. He reckons it was a reaction to depression but it is unclear as to if he was depressed because he had been hiding this or used this as a reaction to depression. My gut reaction is that surely most guys would use mainstream porn if that was their reaction to depression??

I don't think he would admit to me if he were a genuine CD as I think he feels that will mean the end

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/12/2013 11:09

There's a lot of focus here on what he is, what his likes are etc.

To my mind, there's only one thing that matters in a relationship, that you both appreciate, acknowledge and respect the wants and needs of others.

It is perfectly possible to be bisexual and be happily married to somebody for whom all things sexual should just be kept between yourselves if that is understood and respected.

This man wasn't honest with you so he took your choices away from you. In other words, his wants over ride the fact that you deserved to know him fully and make your own choices about what you find acceptable.

So for me, it's not about his sexual desires or identity, it's the fact that you've been continually lied to.