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Original poster

DH lied about women on business trip - can I trust him?

45 replies

spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 11:35

This is my first time posting so I hope I get all the jargon right! I only looked at mumsnet talk for first time yesterday so total beginner I'm afraid.

Background is I've been married to DH for 11 years, have 2 children age 13 and 10. We've had difficult times before, I had quite severe PND and DH has always worked away so times were hard but we got through it.

He recently went on a 3 wk business trip to Hong Kong. He was working with a male colleague as he often does. We skyped and texted/whatsapped (is that a word?!) almost daily.

The problem is that I found out when he got back that 3 female colleagues had also been there...not an issue in itself but I wondered why he hadn't told me before going (he said he didn't know before that 2 of them would be there and thought he had mentioned the other one). But I also asked why he didn't mention them at any point for 3 weeks....he said he doesn't know. He also then told he had been sightseeing for the day with one of them - when he originally told me about the sightseeing he made it sound as if he was alone.

So we are having these discussions/arguments and he is saying I'm over reacting and I can trust him and he hasn't done anything etc. And I am (slightly obsessively!) going through his whatsapp chats with me (on my own phone) to piece together exactly what he said he was doing and when....then I notice that he had been on whatsapp at like 3am that morning so I ask him why and ask him to see his other chats. But he says he was only on there because he couldn't sleep as he was so worried about all this and to delete the app and he has removed it from his iphone.

And thats where I'm stuck really. I've had no reason to doubt him before but he has clearly lied several times over about this trip. I do actually believe him (just) that he hasn't been physically unfaithful. But I have no idea why he has lied (he says he doesn't know) or why he deleted his chats (at first he said he didn't know and has just admitted there was a comment from one of these women that he thought I wouldn't like...about him being good looking).

I need to know if I am over reacting? Is this just a big fuss about nothing? Can I trust him ever again? What on earth is he thinking?

He is in pieces and is really really apologetic but I just hate him right now and feel like he has broken my trust and lost all respect. Any views or advice would be really appreciated.

I feel like I need some perspective. Sorry this is so long - I tried to keep it to the point but there are too many points Confused

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 03/12/2013 11:51

Hi normal :)

Is this the only issue you have ever had with infidelity & trust with your DH? I agree it sounds odd, particularly the 3am deleted chat & the deleted good looking comment.

Do the female colleagues live in Hong Kong, could it have been a simple sightseeing day because she lived there & offered to take him? If not do they usually work in close proximity when in the UK?

Original poster
spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 11:57

I would say it's the first time he has given me any reason to doubt him. As far as I know he is usually truthful and trustworthy. He has spent years working away with various women - some I know and some I don't and I must say I've sometimes struggled with jealousy but just tell myself not to be ridiculous!

The female colleagues are all British and live in UK. Not really close to us but they have all worked together at various points. They are all married too. I've not met any of them.

I'm pulling my hair out because it's all so weird Sad

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 03/12/2013 12:05

How did you find out about these women being on the trip as well?

Was the one who the "good looking" comment was from the same one he went sightseeing with?

The comment does sound odd - I don't think i've ever texted anyone about their looks unless I was joking (e.g. "happy birthday you sexy f*cker" to a friend) or I was going out with them. It's different from commenting face to face isn't it?

Original poster
spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 12:20

The fact they were there too just came out in conversation a couple of days after he got back. He didn't exactly tell me - I think he just mentioned a name and I said 'oh were they there?' and he said yes, I told you....that started everything really!

No the good looking comment was from one woman who he works with quite regularly. The sightseeing was with one I've not heard of before. He knows he should have told me about the sightseeing but again just says it's because he didn't know how to bring it up and then it was too late.

I think the comment (don't know for sure because I didn't get to read it grrr) was something like 'I'm watching xyz movie with xyz hunky movie star in it - you look just him'. The reason his reaction is so odd is that I don't even find that particularly worrying...I might say that to a male colleague?

It's almost like he's worried about nothing - which makes me think there must be more to it

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 03/12/2013 12:22

The lying is very odd, and of course you're wondering what's behind it. I can only infer he deleted Whatsapp because there was incriminating stuff on it - a harmless text telling someone they're good-looking doesn't justify deleting the whole thing. The 3am thing is not good either.

Does he have form for lying? Or is this new?

Vivacia · 03/12/2013 12:24

If he's as upset as he says he is then he would be willing to give you access to stuff, not deleting it.

In your situation I would ask him if there was anything he should be telling me. I guess he'd say no either way and then I'd agree to move on. I'm not proud of saying this, but once things had gone quiet again I'd be checking up on him like no man's business after a couple of weeks.

Twinklestein · 03/12/2013 12:24

Why would going sightseeing with a female colleague be an issue?

If I were abroad with a male colleague I'd just say 'went round the coliseum with Jimmy'.

LastOneDancing · 03/12/2013 12:24

Did he think he'd get earache from you if he was in the company of women? have you (or a previous partner) been a bit jealous over stuff like this?

Just a thought.

Original poster
spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 12:28

Twinklestein - the lying is new. The whole situation is so odd I can't get my head around it...I would love to believe it's all nothing and just caused by some odd reasoning in his head that it would be better/easier not to tell me anything about these female collegues being there. But I can't realistically think that is the case?

OP posts:
Original poster
spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 12:29

LastoneDancing - I have to admit I have been jealous in the past - but like 10 years in the past. But yes he could have thought that. Bloody idiot!

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 03/12/2013 12:30

Either he's cheating (or wants to?)

Or he fears your irrational jealousy.

Original poster
spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 12:32

His answers to all of my questions point to him being really really sorry for not telling me. And to him having no idea why he chose to delete any potential reassurance that his contact with them was 100% professional.

But I can't move past there being another possible explanation - the really obvious one.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/12/2013 12:34

We have this intuition for a very good reason.
I used to travel with work and mainly with male colleagues and there was never anything in it to be honest.
The only thing that rings bells for me in your OP is the deleting the entire app so there's no chance you can ever get to the bottom of it.
That's odd and overkill and would have me worried.

Original poster
spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 12:35

FluffyJumper you are 100% on the button. I just wish I knew which it was!

That's why I wanted to get some perspective here - am I being irrational? It is possible......but so is his wanting to cheat Confused

OP posts:
Jan45 · 03/12/2013 12:47

Well I would say him not knowing the women were going is a big fat lie, ofcourse he did, they were travelling from the UK just like him, so there's lie number one for a start. Sorry but I think you're perfectly entitled to be annoyed and hurt over this, it's all sounding very fishy, go with your gut, it's never wrong.

Twinklestein · 03/12/2013 12:47

I don't think you're being irrational, it's that your husband's irrational behaviour is cause for concern.

Why would he lie awake worrying at 3am about nothing?

Ginwitch · 03/12/2013 12:52

Sorry you're upset. All I can't offer is to say I completely understand how the not knowing is crazy making. My OH lies by omission too I'm (95%) sure he hasn't cheated however it's the little lies which send me into over analysis on every level. It's a hard place to be because you can't ignore your instincts but then on the other hand insecurity and anxiety can make ones thinking a little fuzzy. Without actually being there you will never know so you need to try and figure out if (you are still unsure whether he is lying) you can trust as live with the uncertainty or you can wonder forever and make yourself ill.

Mine lies to avoid arguments -he's always been like this- and it drives me completely crazy and my response is to tell him I can't trust him unless he is honest and he gets angry because I any trust him. Not ideal no but were working in it.

Your DH's intentions may have been entirely pure and he may have felt a little uncomfortable with what this college was saying hence deleting the texts as if you had form for jealously he would know there would be a fall out so of course to avoid any argument got rid of the 'evidence'.

Sorry on iPhone so hope not to incoherent.

Ginwitch · 03/12/2013 12:53

Can offer!

Ginwitch · 03/12/2013 12:55

He is still very much in the wrong I forgot to add and you have more than every right to be very upset. I would be very cross with this situation.

katieks · 03/12/2013 12:57

I'd make it clear to him that you are mega-annoyed and disappointed! And then drop it. Tell him next time just to be honest, because if you find out anything fishy then the trust is forever gone and so is the relationship.

(I say this as a hypocrite though, there are numerous time by husband has 'omitted' things that I later found out, but he reckons they were all because I would be jealous, disapproving, etc, etc so he justified it as trying to 'protect' me)

Noctilucent · 03/12/2013 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 13:06

Thanks all. I've been very upfront with him about how disappointed, angry and upset I am about this. He started at the very beginning to try to say that if he had said anything to me about other women being there then I would have gone crazy. This is actually not true and I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will not be blamed for his poor decisions/lack of integrity. Whether he feared my reaction or not, as a decent adult he should have found a way to talk about it - that's what adult partners do.

He is very clear that I will not be taking the blame for this in any way! If my reaction now is irrational then it's his lies and deception that have created it Angry.

Of course, he's off on another trip next week and it's me thats left feeling like I need to check myself into the nearest mental health provider as I swing between over analysis and 'getting on with it'..

OP posts:
Ginwitch · 03/12/2013 13:08

I'll be following you shortly, I'm sure! Grin

weirdthing · 03/12/2013 13:16

Something is not right. Have you looked up these women on facebook etc to see if they are his type?

Ginwitch · 03/12/2013 13:20

Weirdthing

How will that give OP a definitive answer to whether he cheated or not? I anything I'd guess it would make her more anxious.