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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH lied about women on business trip - can I trust him?

45 replies

spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 11:35

This is my first time posting so I hope I get all the jargon right! I only looked at mumsnet talk for first time yesterday so total beginner I'm afraid.

Background is I've been married to DH for 11 years, have 2 children age 13 and 10. We've had difficult times before, I had quite severe PND and DH has always worked away so times were hard but we got through it.

He recently went on a 3 wk business trip to Hong Kong. He was working with a male colleague as he often does. We skyped and texted/whatsapped (is that a word?!) almost daily.

The problem is that I found out when he got back that 3 female colleagues had also been there...not an issue in itself but I wondered why he hadn't told me before going (he said he didn't know before that 2 of them would be there and thought he had mentioned the other one). But I also asked why he didn't mention them at any point for 3 weeks....he said he doesn't know. He also then told he had been sightseeing for the day with one of them - when he originally told me about the sightseeing he made it sound as if he was alone.

So we are having these discussions/arguments and he is saying I'm over reacting and I can trust him and he hasn't done anything etc. And I am (slightly obsessively!) going through his whatsapp chats with me (on my own phone) to piece together exactly what he said he was doing and when....then I notice that he had been on whatsapp at like 3am that morning so I ask him why and ask him to see his other chats. But he says he was only on there because he couldn't sleep as he was so worried about all this and to delete the app and he has removed it from his iphone.

And thats where I'm stuck really. I've had no reason to doubt him before but he has clearly lied several times over about this trip. I do actually believe him (just) that he hasn't been physically unfaithful. But I have no idea why he has lied (he says he doesn't know) or why he deleted his chats (at first he said he didn't know and has just admitted there was a comment from one of these women that he thought I wouldn't like...about him being good looking).

I need to know if I am over reacting? Is this just a big fuss about nothing? Can I trust him ever again? What on earth is he thinking?

He is in pieces and is really really apologetic but I just hate him right now and feel like he has broken my trust and lost all respect. Any views or advice would be really appreciated.

I feel like I need some perspective. Sorry this is so long - I tried to keep it to the point but there are too many points

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 03/12/2013 13:21

I kind of inferred that if the lies had been about jealousy then this situation would have happened many times before. If you have had always had a tendency to jealousy & this is the first time he lied, then this time is different. So why now?

And anyway that doesn't explain 3am texts...

prh47bridge · 03/12/2013 13:28

him not knowing the women were going is a big fat lie

I've often been on business trips and found when I arrive that other people I wasn't expecting are also there. With a larger company it is very common. You know people who work elsewhere in the business but you don't know their movements. They may not be on the same flight as you. Indeed, if your company has several offices in the UK they may not even fly from the same airport. It may be that this is a lie but we certainly cannot say that for sure on the information the OP has posted.

tummybummer · 03/12/2013 13:37

I'm sorry but he is clearly lying to you. Ask him to restore his Whatsapp and the history for you to read. It can be done. Google it. If he refuses to do this, you have your answer.

Slipshodsibyl · 03/12/2013 13:50

Over three weeks he might well have had chats which were quite friendly and which he felt you wouldn't like should you see them, given past jealousy. Business travellers are very aware that partners might be suspicious and are often worried that friendship with colleagues might be misconstrued. And to be overseas for three weeks is a long lonely time so friendships do grow but not necessarily become sexual. It is possible he was socialising at 3 am but doing nothing wrong. I can see why he didn't tell you, can't you? In the absence of evidence I think you should relax.

Noctilucent · 03/12/2013 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 03/12/2013 14:12

Looks like there's some recovery software here you can download for a trial run. NB this is for when chats have been deleted, not the app itself.

A couple of suggestions here.

You know the saying "it's the coverup, not the crime" - that seems to apply here. It doesn't really sound like anything happened on the trip but possibly there was just enough flirting to make him panic and over-react when back in the UK.

He needs to do what he should have done from the start: be completely honest and put all his cards on the table. It's only courtesy, when away from home for an extended period of time, to say who you're with. Of course he should go sightseeing with a colleague, female or otherwise. And maybe you wouldn't have liked it, and when he got home you could have had a conversation about trust - but nothing like the one he's now got to have.

I wouldn't hesitate to go out with a male colleague on a business trip - I kinda have to, as I basically have no female colleagues. BUT I am always up-front with DH about it. I expect him to have no problem with it, but I don't expect to conceal it from him and for that to be okay.

Equally your earlier jealousy must have been quite oppressive for him, but that seems to be long in the past now.

Original poster

spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 14:14

weirdthing - I don't even know their surnames!

OP posts:

Jan45 · 03/12/2013 14:29

Oh great, he's clear you are not to blame....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/12/2013 14:31

Deleting stuff at 3 am doesn't sound like an innocent reaction to your questions, sorry.

MissScatterbrain · 03/12/2013 14:34

Don't look them up on FB - people who cheat often go for those who are not their usual types. The attraction will be the ego boosting attention from the other party - affairs are usually about egos and self esteems.

The lies and deletion are suspicious and he should be doing everything he can to reassure you by giving you access to his phone and allowing you to recover the missing files.

If there is nothing, a good chat about boundaries and how affairs usually take the form of taking several steps from a friendship into a full blown affair would be a good idea - this is a good link to read

And remember that instincts are usually spot on.

Original poster

spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 14:46

sorry, was away talking (ie. rowing again)

I'm really finding all your views and advice helpful so thanks.

Tripbot - thanks for that, DH has just gone out but I've emailed him the link to the recovery software so will see how that goes later

OP posts:

Joysmum · 03/12/2013 16:49

This is something I can really relate to.

Hubby and I have a fabulous marriage...now!

In the past it hadn't been easy. My previous partner cheated on me and I was damaged by it. Hubby loves me beyond everything and honestly thought he was helping me by omitting things he thought I'd struggle with. What didn't realise was that the lying was suspicious and more hurtful than anything. So after tiki g about he appreciated I didn't need protecting, I needed to be able to trust. Since then, no problems with omission and I can deal with my occasional pangs of insecurity more effectively.

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/12/2013 17:58

There may well be nothing too much to it. He may have had a few over friendly 'chats' via text or whatsapp, which he KNOWS are inappropriate and which you wouldn't like, hence deleting them. It doesn't mean that he is or wants to have an affair.

Personally, it would drive me demented trying to figure it out. He needs to get the WHATSAPP back so you can read all the chats. There may be flirty stuff going on - how would you feel abou that? Again, I would struggle with it, but I am being a hypocrite as I have had flirty bantery texts with a male friend. My husband ended up reading them and wasn;t happy. I had absolutely NO INTENTION of taking it further, and nor did the man in question. It was just banter. But I realised I would hate to read texts like that on his phone so put a stop to it. I hope that he's just being over paranoid and there was nothgn bad to hide.

Original poster

spectacularlynormal · 03/12/2013 22:08

Quick update. The whatsapp recovery software doesn't work .
However managed to restore the phone to an icloud backup...but only from a couple of days ago and the other chats had clearly been deleted before that point....only my chats were restored. DH has said he just can't understand this .

It actually doesn't help my state of mind to keep trying to pinpoint specifics and 'prove' things one way or the other. I clearly need to move on, assume it was a bad decision around 'protecting me' as opposed to any negative intent. Try not to drive myself to distraction thinking of what else it might be and focus on rebuilding.

I agree with comments around flirty conversations/over familiarity and then being worried about OH seeing them...I have done the same myself in the past so can't really stand in judgement on that one. I guess I just have to trust and get on with it

Thanks again for taking the time to comment - it has honestly helped me get some perspective on a horrible situation and something I feel too embarassed to even talk to friends about.

OP posts:

tribpot · 03/12/2013 22:36

Try not to drive myself to distraction thinking of what else it might be and focus on rebuilding.

Shouldn't he be focused on rebuilding? This was his fuck-up. You haven't over-reacted on this occasion, even if you have in the (distant) past. He's very remorseful but he's been caught out in another lie - the other Whatsapp convos were (apparently) deleted long before he claims to have done it, but he didn't deny he was on it at 3 a.m. So what was he doing at 3 a.m.? Did you have a read of these instructions?

I guess I just have to trust and get on with it

And he has to be trustworthy. Which he isn't currently demonstrating.

Look, it probably was all innocent but it's very bloody convenient that there's mysteriously now no proof. He needs to come up with a strategy to make you less nervous about his next trip away. Beyond 'you will just have to trust me'.

gingerpig · 03/12/2013 22:44

if you reinstate whatsapp it asks you if you want to restore your conversations. I did this after accidentally deleting it

gingerpig · 03/12/2013 22:50

oh sorry just realised you tried that and it didn't work. I really feel your only option is to let this one go and keep an eye out for any other dodgy behaviour once the dust has settled. not easy though...

jadeddazedandconfused · 04/12/2013 06:54

He must have deleted the conversations. I have had total uninstall wattapp a few times and when I reinstall it all my conversations are still there.

Lazyjaney · 04/12/2013 07:29

Nothing here except deleting whatsapp is overly suspicious.

My experience of working overseas is you do get to know team mates very well, to a level those back home may not understand/appreciate.

I find it rather interesting that you now admit to deleting inappropriate texts yourself in the past OP........Maybe you need to extend the same understanding and forgiveness to him that you do to yourself?

Twinklestein · 04/12/2013 09:58

Hi OP I totally understand your desire to move on, and it's probably nothing more than inappropriate comments. However I would warn against accepting that the lies were to 'protect' you. Lies are only ever to protect the liar. I would be firm with him that his dishonesty is no favour to you.

And, once someone starts lying you end up not being able to trust a word they say. He needs never to lie again in this context or he will seriously undermine in the relationship.

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